everyoneComesHereOnc Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 It had been 3 years since we were together. We hadn’t spoken for 2 years. At the start of the year she emailed her apologies and asked to get back together.Claimed I was love of her life etc. Things fall apart before we can sort out seeing each other more regularly due to Covid. She blames me for mixing up Covid rules as an excuse to end it. I block and advise I don’t want anything else to do with her because of the pain it has caused She emails from a different email address and tries to start breadcrumbing me I ask her to work out her feelings if she really needs to take such action I was going through some personal stuff which actually was bigger than the break up at that point. She wasn’t interested Two months later she emails out of the blue and makes up some excuse why we can’t be together and suggests good friends I tell her no and she goes crazy on me. Last week (four months later) she turns up with her friend at my house asking to be together and if we can work it out. Obviously I’m more reluctant by now but agree we can meet up and have the conversation. It brought a lot of stress having her come.back out of the blue. We text a bit and then within two days she says she wants to be with me and make things work but because of a weak excuse she can’t just now. She has contacted me around 8 times since the relationship ended nearly 3.5 years ago. Around 6 times in the first 8 months. I would have been happy to have sorted stuff if she genuinely was going to put the effort in but it’s clear she’s just playing games. All blocks are in place but I feel she will just repeat this cycle and it scares hell out of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 51 minutes ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said: Last week (four months later) she turns up with her friend at my house asking to be together and if we can work it out. All blocks are in place but I feel she will just repeat this cycle and it scares hell out of me. Excellent. True, it will be the same old nonsense. She probably just got dumped. Was she unstable when you dated? Does she drink or have mental health problems? Ignore her. If she persists tell her you'll get a restraining order. Link to post Share on other sites
Author everyoneComesHereOnc Posted July 23, 2021 Author Share Posted July 23, 2021 There was as far as I know someone in between her last attempt with me and the latest. That’s not been too long a time and it’s not exactly been easy to date given things. She was pretty stable when we dated. Started coming out at last 2 months - reckon she has some past trauma that causes mental health issues. Kind of thing you don’t normally talk about openly. I’d spoke to her for about 30 minutes in the front yard. I’d asked the questions if she’d just been dumped, it looks like I’m the back up plan etc. She claimed it was always me and that me thinking otherwise said more about me. I didn’t block her immediately after her weak excuse. I went for a walk to clear my head. She double texted asking if I wanted to talk about it. I just blocked. There didn’t seem to be anything worth listening to. This suggests she was realising I was going to walk from it instead of putting up a fight. This seems the behaviour from narcissists. Feigning interest when she knows that going to someone’s house, asking for another chance then dumping then 2 days later is completely out of order. It takes two unwanted advances for a restraining order here. Presumably that’d be the next two. If she spaces them out that could be best part of a year or maybe even years she could try this. I’d hope giving someone false hope is considered suitable for a restraining order as it’s not violence etc but still troublesome. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 On 7/23/2021 at 11:37 PM, everyoneComesHereOnc said: I’d hope giving someone false hope is considered suitable for a restraining order Are you serious? Link to post Share on other sites
Author everyoneComesHereOnc Posted July 25, 2021 Author Share Posted July 25, 2021 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Are you serious? Yes if she contacts me every few months and tries the I love you routine I don’t think that’s nice at all. I can’t live my life this way. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 (edited) 1 minute ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said: Yes if she contacts me every few months and tries the I love you routine I don’t think that’s nice at all. I can’t live my life this way. It's not nice but it absolutely not grounds for a restraining order. Not even close. Restraining orders are for people whose physical safety is being threatened, not for people with hurt feelings. You will be laughed right out of the police station if you try to get authorities involved. Block her. Simple. Done. Edited July 25, 2021 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Author everyoneComesHereOnc Posted July 25, 2021 Author Share Posted July 25, 2021 Two forms of unwanted contact should be enough where I am. It’s a case of pay a lawyer and court should approve as point of routine. It’s clearly abuse. I might be sill enough to have dealt with her but we haven’t been together for years. She shouldn’t be creating emails to contact me or coming to my door. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 (edited) 15 minutes ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said: It’s clearly abuse No, it is not. Especially when you continue to respond to her. If you want any judge to take you serioulsy, you need to stop responding to her first. It might indeed be a good idea speak to a lawyer right now who can inform you how exactly this all works. You don't appear to understand it very well currently, nor what consitutues "unwanted contact", exactly. At the moment, it just looks like you're mad at her and want to get back at her. Edited July 25, 2021 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Author everyoneComesHereOnc Posted July 25, 2021 Author Share Posted July 25, 2021 (edited) Yes the thing is I have to stop conversing with her. That’s not as easy said as done. I kinda figure yes I speak to her I’m letting her in. If I maintain a stonewall she’s blocked it’ll be her own problem. I can’t handle this anymore. It’s not acceptable. Emotional abuse is a crime in the UK. If I as a man had contacted her after the relationship ended years ago many times I’d have been in trouble by now. It’s not sour grapes. She may simply be emotionally unstable it may be vindictive but what’s happening is not good. Edited July 25, 2021 by everyoneComesHereOnc Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 4 hours ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said: She shouldn’t be creating emails to contact me or coming to my door. Agree. If she persists check the stalking laws in your area. Stalking is a crime as well as trespassing. Do you want to take it to extremes? Probably not. Block, delete and if it persists get a restraining order. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said: Yes the thing is I have to stop conversing with her. Exactly. Your continued involvement with her is going to get you totally dismissed from a lawyer's office, nevermind a judge's chamber. As someone who has experienced emotional abuse in a relaitonship, I have to say that I don't really see that in your description of events. Inconsiderate and hurtful behaviour, yes. False hope, sure. But emotional abuse? That is not the same thing. Are you leaving something out about her that would lend more support to that claim? Edited July 25, 2021 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Author everyoneComesHereOnc Posted July 25, 2021 Author Share Posted July 25, 2021 I used to get silent calls etc before she reappeared she denied it. They do seem to have ended. Living with the constant push pull on your emotions even years later ain’t good. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 12 minutes ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said: Living with the constant push pull on your emotions even years later ain’t good. Of course not, but you are not doing enough to help yourself here either. You have to block her everywhere. And if she somehow manages to get through or shows up at your door - do not engage. Link to post Share on other sites
Stret Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 7 hours ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said: Two forms of unwanted contact should be enough where I am. It’s a case of pay a lawyer and court should approve as point of routine. It’s clearly abuse. I might be sill enough to have dealt with her but we haven’t been together for years. She shouldn’t be creating emails to contact me or coming to my door. Ok, so you're in the UK. No, a mere contact is not nearly grounds for restraining order. Not even grounds for Police Informal Notice on harassment. What you read about law on Citizen Advice and similar sites is not how you want it to be - courts have high standards and intimidation must be such to cause you alarm or distress of the kind that a threat to your physical or mental safety would be. What you're describing is mere annoyance or not even that - a ping pong game between former lovers. My advice is to tell her in a very direct language that you don't want her talking to you in any way, approaching you, emailing, etc. Then stop answering to her emails if she continues. Easy. You are so far almost as guilty of having a contact as she is. Perhaps on some level you enjoy being the centre of her attention? You are obviously still hurt if you're thinking of calling police on her. For your own sake, get that out of your head and move onto something more peaceful and less angry. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 On 7/23/2021 at 12:58 PM, everyoneComesHereOnc said: She has contacted me around 8 times since the relationship ended nearly 3.5 years ago. Around 6 times in the first 8 months. I would have been happy to have sorted stuff if she genuinely was going to put the effort in but it’s clear she’s just playing games. All blocks are in place but I feel she will just repeat this cycle and it scares hell out of me. Based on history, she’s not going to be the person you want/wish for her to be. When you let go of that thought you also let go of her permanently. It’s good that she is blocked. Expect random numbers and emails from other addresses. Always delete and block again. Move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author everyoneComesHereOnc Posted July 25, 2021 Author Share Posted July 25, 2021 I never start communication with her. I wouldn’t as if you are dumped well that’s it. For the first 6 months after dumping she contacted 3 times. Then all went quiet for 2 years. Massive proclamation of love. Doesn’t last 3 weeks for us to fix up things. Then contacts 2 months later. Via another email address. Wants to be friends. Gets told where to go. Then appears at my door again proclaiming love. Within 2 days she’s saying she can’t do it just now but wants it to work between us. I let her know I won’t give her the satisfaction of calling her for what she is. She replies “an angel”. She then texts later asking if I want to talk about it. I’ve never replied and blocked her. I’ve never initiated It’s all her Different emails, silent calls etc My mistake was letting her back in after 2 years and in general dealing with her On here time and distance can be considered a good thing Ive got to hold my resolve I kinda figure it’s probably coming given her history I don’t get off on it. I would have loved for her to come back yes but she’s not coming back truly so that’s that. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? The character is based on someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. There was extreme stalking, calling, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 19 minutes ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said: Ive got to hold my resolve I kinda figure it’s probably coming given her history I don’t get off on it. I would have loved for her to come back yes but she’s not coming back truly so that’s that. Yes, of course. I hope you do. Breaking up and giving up on someone sometimes happens at different times. Let go of what you thought could be and set yourself free. You’ll find so much peace that way and in time also be able to meet someone new. Link to post Share on other sites
Author everyoneComesHereOnc Posted July 25, 2021 Author Share Posted July 25, 2021 Since there was a 2 year break in contact I’d thought I was free. Worked on myself, dated other people etc. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 But that’s not really it. ”I would have been happy to have sorted stuff if she genuinely was going to put the effort in but it’s clear she’s just playing games. “ You’re still open to working things out with this ex and leaving room for reconciliation. Try being more honest with yourself..the door should stay shut permanently. She doesn’t respect you and the sad truth is you will never really know if she has mental health issues (not your call). All you know is that she’s no good for you so time to close the door. Link to post Share on other sites
Author everyoneComesHereOnc Posted July 25, 2021 Author Share Posted July 25, 2021 25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? The character is based on someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. There was extreme stalking, calling, etc. I watched it about 6 weeks ago. It was chilling. A great movie. I maybe struggle to equate that she just wants the control. The offering the old relationship back is just a way to gain whatever feelings she needs to hear from me. She then throws me away again. It’s went on too long and I clearly can’t take the fact she offers everything back but won’t actually put in the work to make it work (which is less work than you’d think). It feels Im being toyed with. She’s gone now but given history I feel she’ll continue to try this. She gets angry if I tell her where to get off. There’s nothing for me in this apart from pain. The fear of more pain when it likely comes in 5 or 6 months worries me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author everyoneComesHereOnc Posted July 25, 2021 Author Share Posted July 25, 2021 2 minutes ago, glows said: But that’s not really it. ”I would have been happy to have sorted stuff if she genuinely was going to put the effort in but it’s clear she’s just playing games. “ You’re still open to working things out with this ex and leaving room for reconciliation. I need to be harder. Last time she contacted via email I told her where to get off. Obviously she upped it to a personal appearance to break my resolve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 Keep doing your part as you’ve resolved in not responding anymore. I don’t like saying this but she’ll find someone else to torment and get a reaction out of. It doesn’t have to be you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author everyoneComesHereOnc Posted July 25, 2021 Author Share Posted July 25, 2021 3 minutes ago, glows said: Keep doing your part as you’ve resolved in not responding anymore. I don’t like saying this but she’ll find someone else to torment and get a reaction out of. It doesn’t have to be you. I’m ok with her being with someone else. She clearly was in that 2 year period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26, 2021 Share Posted July 26, 2021 4 hours ago, everyoneComesHereOnc said: Obviously she upped it to a personal appearance to break my resolve. And it worked, didn't it? If there is a next time, don't respond to her emails. If she shows up at your door, don't open it. Link to post Share on other sites
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