Nats_16 Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 As shameful as it is I foolishly fell in love with a childhood sweetheart. He came back into my life almost four years ago whilst he had a fiancée. Long story short we have been having a full blown affair with 3 D-days until he ended the relationship with his fiancée back in February. Since then they continue to live together and he has told me he is trying to get another mortgage and buy her out as he wants a future with me, he tells me he loves me and wants his life with me. He has not introduced me to friends or family, will not associate with me on any social media, does not stay over at my place, we can not spend nights away, when we go out is has to be out of his area he lives in. I repeatedly tell him that I am not happy with how slow he is doing things and he tells me to be patient as he promises me I will get what I want from him once the house is sorted. Please please offer advice as I am going out of my mind. Each and every day now we argue and I feel such bitterness towards him for dragging the whole thing out this long. Surely if he wanted to be with me he would move heaven and earth to make it so. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 (edited) Four years is a long time to wait for someone to chose you. I think the telling thing here is that he has not been in a relationship since February and you’ve seen no change in behavior - he hasn’t introduced you to friends and family, he doesn’t take you out, he won’t stay over… I have to ask the obvious question - if he was single, would you stay with a man who does this? Would you tolerate this kind of behavior? Because, he is now apparently single - and he still hasn’t chosen to be with you. IDK Nat - either he didn’t actually end the relationship or he’s keeping you around while he gets things sorted and until he is ready to date again. Nothing here says he is excited to finally to be in a legitimate relationship with you. Sorry. Edited July 24, 2021 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 I am sure you love this guy but you have to seriously ask yourself why you have spent the last 4 years hanging around a guy who has a fiancee he lives with and who has no doubt built a future with... despite his engagement being seemingly "over" since February... He is stringing you along and you are allowing it.  1 hour ago, Nats_16 said: Surely if he wanted to be with me he would move heaven and earth to make it so. Yes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted July 24, 2021 Author Share Posted July 24, 2021 Thank you for your replies, I think deep down I know the truth but when your feelings take a hold of you they seem to over rule your head. I feel so fed up and so angry with him and also with myself and have no idea how to move on. I have ended things with him in the past and he goes to all extremes to contact me with promises and I falter. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 If there is a discrepancy between his words and actions, believe his actions. And, if it’s a choice between your head and your heart, go with your head. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 Q: When do you decide enough is enough and walk away once and for all? A: When you decide you love yourself more. That's what did it for me! 💜 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted July 24, 2021 Author Share Posted July 24, 2021 Thank you, you talk sense, it’s difficult to know what is real and what is not when you get in so deep. He does a lot of talking but his actions tell me that he is not actually doing anything to sort his living arrangements out. He makes one excuse after another and tells me that he can’t be honest with his ex or let her find out about me as then she won’t co-operate when it comes to the sale of the house…. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 He's still keeping you a secret. Whether or not he's still with his fiance makes no difference. He's not making you part of his regular life. When someone truly cares about you they talk about you to others and want you to meet the other important people in their lives.  Stop settling for being in hiding, it destroys your confidence and self esteem. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted July 24, 2021 Author Share Posted July 24, 2021 All of what has been said is true and deep down I know so as I am not normally this naive, but I have let him trick me into thinking he is actually genuine when he is clearly not and all his excuses I have fallen for. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 Simple, tell him you will not see him again until he's broken his engagement and moved out. If they own the house together and she wants to stay she can buy him out. What he tells you is bull. The fact that he is going home to her after your dates, sleeping with her, she knows nothing about you nor does his friends and family has made you the OW and that's what you'll be until you start putting your foot down and mean it. He isn't married with kids and can't leave. He's a single man, not married and can break up anytime he wants. Chances are if his fiance knew about you she'd leave him anyway. If he told her he's fallen in love with you I guarantee it would speed up the process. Has he told her he's in love with you? What did he do after the D-days? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted July 24, 2021 Author Share Posted July 24, 2021 After the d days he was kicked out Into the spare room and has been there since. They no longer go out together and seem to live fairly separate lives, his excuse for not telling her or anyone about me is because he is worried she will not play ball when it comes to the house? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 2 hours ago, Nats_16 said:  I feel such bitterness towards him for dragging the whole thing out this long. Sorry this is happening. Until you pull the plug on all these lies and disrespect you'll grow more bitter every day. You need to stop allowing it, he's on a free ride. Tip: he's not leaving her, otherwise you wouldn't be a secret. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Nats_16 said: After the d days he was kicked out Into the spare room and has been there since. They no longer go out together and seem to live fairly separate lives, his excuse for not telling her or anyone about me is because he is worried she will not play ball when it comes to the house? What is his idea of "playing ball"? What does he want? Do you have proof that he is sleeping in the "spare room"? How do you know they don't go out together and live separate lives? Edited July 24, 2021 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 2 hours ago, Nats_16 said: As shameful as it is I foolishly fell in love with a childhood sweetheart. He came back into my life almost four years ago whilst he had a fiancée. Long story short we have been having a full blown affair with 3 D-days until he ended the relationship with his fiancée back in February. Since then they continue to live together and he has told me he is trying to get another mortgage and buy her out as he wants a future with me, he tells me he loves me and wants his life with me. He has not introduced me to friends or family, will not associate with me on any social media, does not stay over at my place, we can not spend nights away, when we go out is has to be out of his area he lives in. I repeatedly tell him that I am not happy with how slow he is doing things and he tells me to be patient as he promises me I will get what I want from him once the house is sorted. Please please offer advice as I am going out of my mind. Each and every day now we argue and I feel such bitterness towards him for dragging the whole thing out this long. Surely if he wanted to be with me he would move heaven and earth to make it so. He broke up with her? How painful and devastating for the both of them. I would tell him “Fabulous. When you’ve got your act together, come see me.” Why should you stay for this? Be free to live your life and if your paths cross again, so be it. He’s warped and tied up right now, always has been since you reconnected. Why start a life with someone like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted July 24, 2021 Author Share Posted July 24, 2021 He wants to buy her out and says that if she gets wind that he has continued to have anything to do with me then she won’t agree to move out. I’ve made myself known to her time and time again and I think he has managed to calm things at home and keep the status quo whilst also continuing to lead me down the garden path. I hate this. I know I deserve someone who would shout from the rooftops about me and be proud to have me as part of their real life but the heart wants what it wants. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 Honestly, why would you want to be with a guy that would do that anyway? He lied to his fiance, slept with another woman (you), etc. He is not trustworthy and is not 'the prize'. You are. Even if he does 'get out' will you ever really trust this cheater? Run. Seriously - go cold turkey from him and don't accept being less than being a clear number one to your boyfriends.  2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 7 minutes ago, Nats_16 said: but the heart wants what it wants. When they post their wedding pics on social media you'll feel even more bitter. Is that what your heart wants? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 (edited) 37 minutes ago, Nats_16 said: He wants to buy her out and says that if she gets wind that he has continued to have anything to do with me then she won’t agree to move out. I’ve made myself known to her time and time again and I think he has managed to calm things at home and keep the status quo whilst also continuing to lead me down the garden path. I hate this. I know I deserve someone who would shout from the rooftops about me and be proud to have me as part of their real life but the heart wants what it wants. Yes, you do, my dear. By that time you’ll be so sick of him too you’ll have no qualms telling him to shut it and come in for dinner. If he’s worth his salt he’ll make room for you but until then don’t sit on the sidelines like this. It’s no way to live. Why waste your life and your energy with this push and pull with another woman’s man? Are you able to live with yourself after that? There’s been enough damage if she knows about you. Walk away and save yourself and your conscience. This is rotted from the inside out. Let things be for now and move on with your life. Edited July 24, 2021 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted July 24, 2021 Author Share Posted July 24, 2021 Thank you all for your wise words, in my hearts of hearts I know he is no good for me and brings nothing except for torment and angst to my life, the bad times far outweigh the few hours in a week we spend together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 1 hour ago, Nats_16 said: He wants to buy her out and says that if she gets wind that he has continued to have anything to do with me then she won’t agree to move out. My partner was in this situation during his divorce. This is what lawyers are for - He consults a lawyer and she has no option but to move out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Nats_16 said: Thank you all for your wise words, in my hearts of hearts I know he is no good for me and brings nothing except for torment and angst to my life, the bad times far outweigh the few hours in a week we spend together. Do you have friends and family to lean on? I don’t mean talking about this unless you want to. I mean people who love and care for you, whom you can spend time with and take yourself out of this routine of responding to his limbo situation. If he ever sorts it you both can meet again later. The reason for your bitterness and resentment is due to waning trust and belief that he’s interested in being with you. That’s something that he has to realize and work on. A relationship with little trust won’t work. If you sensed his momentum and interest in you matches what he says it would be different. Edited July 24, 2021 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 (edited) 47 minutes ago, Olivia24 said: Its easy for me to tell you to move on but i have been in situations where my heart wouldnt let me listen to reason. You talk about this situation as if you have no control here. You do! People fall in love all the time and they still use their head to assess whether the relationship is a good and healthy relationship for them. I love my partner - we waited three years to live together but when he asked me to move in with him - I said no. What he was asking was not in my best interest (for a variety of reasons). My heart said yes, my brain said - we need to talk about this. We did, we did some problems solving and made some compromises, and then I could say yes. It’s much the same for you - people who follow their hearts and not their heart AND their head find themselves in all kinds of difficult situations. It’s no excuse to say - “he says sweet things, I have strong feelings for him, etc…” HadMeOverABarrel is correct above - when you decide to love yourself more than whatever feelings of love you have for this man, your decision will be really easy… Edited July 24, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nats_16 Posted July 24, 2021 Author Share Posted July 24, 2021 I can tell that he does have feelings for me but I think they are not strong enough to make any kind of sacrifice for. I have said to him that he should just come clean with his fiancée/ex and deal with the consequences but he will not do that. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Olivia24 said: You are correct but people do really dumb things sometimes for "love" or what they thought was love. I just know its hard to let your brain win out sometimes. Sure, but this is four years later… That’s 1460 days. There have been three D-days. He’s not even married to the other woman. There are so many red flags here… Respectfully, she does not find herself in this situation because she has “followed her heart.” The truth is, an emotionally healthy person with any kind of self respect would not hang on to a very one-sided relationship for this long… Kindly, I think there is more going on here… Edited July 24, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 2 minutes ago, Nats_16 said: I can tell that he does have feelings for me but I think they are not strong enough to make any kind of sacrifice for. I have said to him that he should just come clean with his fiancée/ex and deal with the consequences but he will not do that. He wouldn’t have strong feelings for you because he knows what you’re willing to settle for (second place). I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. I second loving yourself, before anyone else. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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