How do you and your partner split costs?

[Sarpur14]

Me and my partner have been together for 8 years, one child together and another on the way.

We have always split household bills 50/50. He has things like expensive sports subscription but I've always paid towards it. I completed all home improvements, bought all furniture, put the deposit down on our home, pay for all things relating to our child. My husband would contribute £100 per month (said it was all he could afford) despite earning £30,000 per year. I left it as I manged fine on my wage. Covid hit and I've lost £800 pcm. We still pay 50% bills (fine) he pays more towards one of our joint debts which I covered for 2 years previously. 

When my wage dropped we discovered my husband had huge debts and a gambling problem. Gambling has been addressed, he is paying off the debt. It has left us struggling a huge deal. I asked this week for £5 towards something for our son, he said he couldn't afford it. Today he has had an afternoon in the pub and spent £30 (not much but considering he couldn't afford £5 for something for son I am annoyed) I am pregnant and while he was having drinks I asked for l some food. He added this amount up in front of me and said I would need to pay it back. He ate the food too. I didn't want to make a scene. 

I feel hurt and annoyed. I don't feel like it's been fair. I'm facing the 6 week holidays, with £30 per week to entertain our son. He pays £50 a month into savings for things for the baby. I will be expected to pay the full cost of entertaining our son while he works. If we go to the cinema we pay 50/50 but I am off over the holidays and my money will go on our son. Im not sure if I'm justified in feeling hard-done by. Someone help please.

[Weezy1973]

When we got married we got a joint account. It’s no longer my money and her money. It’s our money. The key for us is that we’re both on the same page. We’re generally savers more than spenders, but have no problem splurging from time to time. Neither of us has to ask permission if they feel like buying something for themselves. But as we’re both savers at heart, this doesn’t happen much. 

[Wiseman2]

You need to throw him out and petition for child support on behalf of your children.

Supporting children is not an optional hobby after drinking and gambling. It's the law

Stop paying his debts. Pay for yourself and your children only.

Once you throw this parasite out, the government will garnish his wages to support his children before be pisses it away at bars and casinos (which you're allowing).

 

[basil67]

Following on from @Wiseman2's comment, I have to agree - this is nuts and you'd be better off out of it.  But are YOU at the end of the line here?  Or do you want to stay together and find a workable solution?  And out of curiosity, how did you get lumped with paying for everything your child needs?   Is he not the father?

In answer to how we manage our finances, we have a joint account which we can both use.  Of course, bills and mortgage come first, things like child expenses and family holidays get second priority and discretionary spending comes last. 

 

 

Edited July 25, 2021 by basil67

[d0nnivain]

How to split the expenses isn't your problem.  A lack of financial transparency is.  

The most equitable way to split expenses is proportionally based on income.  So if you make $50k & he makes $100k, you pay 1/3 to his 2/3.  In the face of an income loss, you adjust your budget downward meaning that expensive sports subscription has to go.  It's probably a trigger for the gambling so all the more reason that expense has to go.  

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

The most equitable way to split expenses is proportionally based on income.  So if you make $50k & he makes $100k, you pay 1/3 to his 2/3. 

I agree and this is how I would split house hold expenses.

I'd also set a budget for everything... including entertainment/activities.  If there is no money (left in the budget) for entertainment that month then activities will have be free stuff.  Playgrounds, walks in the park, hiking trails, camping in the back yard... stuff that is free, but still entertains the child.

 

[Els]

The thing that stands out most to me is why on earth are you having ANOTHER kid with this person!?!?!? What kind of father contributes $150 a month to his child, frittering away the rest of it to sports subscriptions and drinking, and then asks his pregnant wife to "pay him back" $5 for food?!?!?

He is wrong, but you're not hard-done-by. You enabled his behaviour all this time, and then enabled it further by agreeing to have another child with him. You should have left and filed for mandatory child support ages ago.

[glows]

That would upset me too. And I would have left. How is it that his gambling has been addressed? He is still gambling but now with alcohol and drinking? 

How can you stay knowing he asked you to pay him back for food while pregnant with your child together? This makes no sense unless he sees the two of you as separate entities not married or with a life together. Was he drunk when he said that or sober? 

I’m not sure what you mean by entertainment for your son. Is this food and necessities also in addition to going to the cinema? Why do you have to go to the theatre if money is tight? Going to the park is free, beaches usually are free. There are at-home activities that cost very little. Are you struggling to afford the cinema etc or do you feel like he should have given you money as well? Are there other ways to have fun that don’t cost anything?

There’s a lot of resentment and single-mindedness. Neither of you are on the same page about your family. This would worry me a lot. ..Or whether he is capable of being a family or father.

Edited July 25, 2021 by glows

[BaileyB]

On 7/24/2021 at 4:36 PM, Sarpur14 said:

My husband would contribute £100 per month (said it was all he could afford) despite earning £30,000 per year.

Now you know why he couldn’t contribute - he was gambling away money that should have gone to supporting your family. 

To answer your question, we totalled all expenses and divided it equally (we make a similar salary). We put that money into a joint account from which all expenses/bills are paid. We then have individual accounts that we use to pay for individual expenses. We tend to split joint expenses - ex. he will pay for dinner one week, I will pay the next. It all kind of works out. 

[S2B]

Quote

 

When my wage dropped we discovered my husband had huge debts and a gambling problem

 

Who is “we”? 

[Sarpur14]

I dont know why I said 'we' I meant me. Its frustrating when I am left to cover everything for our son while he spends his money on himself or what she sees fit. I have lots of plans for my son that cost very little or nothing, but it would be nice to do a day out maybe once every 2 weeks. 

We argued about the food thing he said if I couldn't afford it I shouldnt have asked for it, and that he would have drunk less if he had known in advance id want to eat. I don't know, I can't get through to him. 

I do feel like I enabled it, and I am annoyed at myself for that but I can't change that now. I can only change what happens moving forward. I think that is it, that he sees us as separate entities even though I've done so much in the past to support us. For example renovating our home, but he says we wouldn't have had it if it had been him. (Our kitchen had no working facilties, kind of essential) 

He isn't gambling anymore. He has paid off x1 of his credit cards in 6 months by being frugal. He now seems to want to escape in other ways (drinking with friends) and resents not being able to do this. 

Because of his debt, he has only slightly more left over a month than I have even though is wage is 3 times mine. 

Since talking about it he has said he will give £50 towards entertainment for the 6 weeks which I think is fair. He is still having the same amount of money but he is going to pay the minimum on one of his credit cards rather than overpaying it which worries me. 

There is a lot of resentment. He entered a contract for the sports subscription, so will have to pay a few to leave early if we cancel it. 

I dont feel like I can make him see. To be honest I'm scared to address it with him because he says all I do is argue, and this is draining for both of us. 

[Els]

What sort of a father is he otherwise? Does he do at least half of the childcare, ideally more to make up for the lack of financial contribution? Does he spend much time with his son?

[pepperbird2]

When our kids were small, I stayed at home with them, and we only had one income. For a lot of reasons, it's what was right for us, but money was always very, very tight.

I was able to go back to work about ten years ago, and since my job allows me to work from home, it's a good fit for our family. We both put our income into the same account, and we also have a savings plan that we both contribute to. I pay the bills using both our income- I always have. We set it up that way a long time ago, since my husband would be away for months or over a year at a time, often incommunicado ( he was in a very specialized trade in the military until he retired and went to work as civil servant ).

My best advice to you would be to sit down with him and  set up a budget. If that doesn't work, have him take care of the finances on his own for a few weeks. Let him see where the money goes.

[Daisydooks]

On 7/24/2021 at 5:36 PM, Sarpur14 said:

Me and my partner have been together for 8 years, one child together and another on the way.

We have always split household bills 50/50. He has things like expensive sports subscription but I've always paid towards it. I completed all home improvements, bought all furniture, put the deposit down on our home, pay for all things relating to our child. My husband would contribute £100 per month (said it was all he could afford) despite earning £30,000 per year. I left it as I manged fine on my wage. Covid hit and I've lost £800 pcm. We still pay 50% bills (fine) he pays more towards one of our joint debts which I covered for 2 years previously. 

When my wage dropped we discovered my husband had huge debts and a gambling problem. Gambling has been addressed, he is paying off the debt. It has left us struggling a huge deal. I asked this week for £5 towards something for our son, he said he couldn't afford it. Today he has had an afternoon in the pub and spent £30 (not much but considering he couldn't afford £5 for something for son I am annoyed) I am pregnant and while he was having drinks I asked for l some food. He added this amount up in front of me and said I would need to pay it back. He ate the food too. I didn't want to make a scene. 

I feel hurt and annoyed. I don't feel like it's been fair. I'm facing the 6 week holidays, with £30 per week to entertain our son. He pays £50 a month into savings for things for the baby. I will be expected to pay the full cost of entertaining our son while he works. If we go to the cinema we pay 50/50 but I am off over the holidays and my money will go on our son. Im not sure if I'm justified in feeling hard-done by. Someone help please.

We pay a percentage based on what each of us make. I make about 40% of our total income, so I cover 40% of our bills. 

Your husband would make me lose my cool. Youre being treated unfairly. Youre contributing everything you earn while he is able to have fun. Thats not equal at all. 

When I made less I contributed less

Edited July 27, 2021 by Daisydooks

[Crazelnut]

This isn't about splitting costs. This is about a total lack of respect and selfishness. Your partner treats you as an annoyance and an afterthought. His desires are more important to him than your needs. What exactly are you getting out of this R?

[Caauug]

When we were M it was joint set up and no kids. After a number of years I noticed a lot of funneling of funds off to her family. Talking didn't change much, never enough money in the account for good items. Her niece and nephew went to private schools when there mother was a single mum with a not so good income and no help from the father. Her spending went down hill from there with racked up CC's. I ended up separating the accounts. Now, she pays for some food and anything else she needs, clothes, personal care, her car etc. I pay everything else, mortgage, all bills, rates, both health cares, my car etc. She does a very good job of running her account at zero funds. Mine is always surplus.

Not everyone has the will power or maybe the knowledge to manage money. I was fortunate to have good parents when it came to this. I had the chance to see how they were brought up, when every cent was accounted for in a household ledger. A detailed description was entered with every purchase or every sale from the farm. Just think, to buy something, get the ledger (book), write in the date, detailed description, price, do the math to find find out how much you still have, count the funds left, pay for the purchase. Forget that coffee and donut at the drive through... 

[RecentChange]

On 7/24/2021 at 10:13 PM, Weezy1973 said:

When we got married we got a joint account. It’s no longer my money and her money. It’s our money. The key for us is that we’re both on the same page. We’re generally savers more than spenders, but have no problem splurging from time to time. Neither of us has to ask permission if they feel like buying something for themselves. But as we’re both savers at heart, this doesn’t happen much. 

Same, although at heart he is a spender rather than a saver - but knows *I* am a saver so he practices self control.

We have been together since we were young and very broke. We co-mingled funds almost immediately as it was the only ways to get the bill paid back then. These days splurges over $1k are discussed, otherwise we are free to treat ourselves - and usually encouraged to!

I know many couples do it, but I just can not imagine "splitting" costs, nor keeping tally, paying each other back etc. It's so foreign to me. 

OP, what you have described wouldn't be okay with me for a moment, gambling? Debt? Oh hell no.

I earn a very good income, and happily share it with my husband, because he can be trusted. I wouldn't be able a trust a man like yours.

There are certain core values which successful couples see eye to eye on, finances are a major one. And trust. Trust is critical. 

[Weezy1973]

17 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

There are certain core values which successful couples see eye to eye on, finances are a major one. And trust. Trust is critical. 

Yup exactly. It’s easy to have a joint account and not worry about where the money is going when you trust your partner. 

[gamboolman]

On 7/25/2021 at 12:13 AM, Weezy1973 said:

When we got married we got a joint account. It’s no longer my money and her money. It’s our money. The key for us is that we’re both on the same page. We’re generally savers more than spenders, but have no problem splurging from time to time. Neither of us has to ask permission if they feel like buying something for themselves. But as we’re both savers at heart, this doesn’t happen much. 

What Weezy said

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Warning: you're being a bit too casual--actually no, you're being HUGELY too casual and definitive--about your husband having stopped gambling. People who gamble, lots of them, have a real compulsion, if not addiction. They slip back into the old habit all the time. And stress is one of their triggers for slipping back. The problem is that it's often a psychological lack of resilience that leads to frequent stress, which leads to the destructive behavior.

Please, stop thinking "he's solved the gambling problem." One, gamblers and other people with problem behaviors are great at avoidance lying. They might try to avoid directly lying, but they lie by omission and hiding all the time, so much so, that often they have to be made aware of how much they're hiding from their partner. And people who don't deal deeply with their addiction, often to a "transfer" addiction. A close relative of mine stopped drinking and then stopped smoking and put on nearly 100 pounds. He stopped one addiction, but he hadn't gotten to the root of the weak coping skills. So it doesn't surprise me at all that suddenly your partner is drinking a lot. He likely needs to be in a support group and/or intensive therapy to get a hold of that gambling problem. So for example, in a support group on in therapy he would be guided to find ways of having fun that don't involve gambling or drinking. I have a close friend who was an alcoholic and a drug addict. After he got sober, he began to golf--a lot. He loves golf. That's his constructive and not-very-expensive way of having fun. 

The problem in your marriage isn't money. The problem with your marriage is that you guys have a bad marriage. And I frankly it seems the real problem seems to be that you picked a terrible partner--and are in denial about it. That's the problem. Money is just a symptom. If you "solved" the money issue, trust me: you'd have him betraying you in other ways. 

 

Edited September 4, 2021 by Lotsgoingon