How do you keep peace in the extended family?

[Alpacalia]

I mentioned in a previous thread that my female cousin, with whom I am quite close, was in the process of going through a divorce.

I spent months on the phone with her, listening to her cry and doing my best to be there for her.

Her spouse did some really heinous things (which I won't go into too much detail about), but she has recently decided to give her marriage another chance. I know I have to hold my tongue at this point, but what irritates me is that he is attempting to gain my favor, which is difficult for me because I know the torment he's put her through, and quite honestly, I believe she's being foolish to stay with him, but it's not my place to say so.

She and I have already had a quarrel about it, after I explained that I really don't want to hear about their relationship anymore.

Naturally, I felt bad afterwards which is something I want to avoid.

Edited July 25, 2021 by Alpaca

[basil67]

I've been through this with my sister and her ex-h (ex being the operative word) and I know how wearing this can be for the support person.

From what I'm seeing here you've got some good boundaries there.  It's entirely reasonable for you to stop being her confidante.   What was she saying to you when you quarreled?

And as far as the estranged husband goes, it would be foolish to believe that he's changed so quickly and as such, you're doing the right thing.  Sure, if he shows change over a period of years, then perhaps you could give him another chance, but it's far too early to be sucked in now.  If you see him at a social engagement, being polite but distant with him is really all that is required.  And block him on social media and your phone.  

Edited July 25, 2021 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I've been through this with my sister and her ex-h (ex being the operative word) and I know how wearing this can be for the support person.

From what I'm seeing here you've got some good boundaries there.  It's entirely reasonable for you to stop being her confidante.   What was she saying to you when you quarreled?

And as far as the estranged husband goes, it would be foolish to believe that he's changed so quickly and as such, you're doing the right thing.  Sure, if he shows change over a period of years, then perhaps you could give him another chance, but it's far too early to be sucked in now.  If you see him at a social engagement, being polite but distant with him is really all that is required.  And block him on social media and your phone.  

Thanks basil67.

I said that if I were in her shoes I would walk because if she stays with him she is risking her overall wellbeing because he's not magically going to change overnight.

She replied with "no offense, but I'm stronger than you."

I felt like that was such a low blow for her to say that while at the same time tried not to take it personally because I think she was just on the defensive.

Edited July 25, 2021 by Alpaca

[basil67]

Yeah, when someone says "no offense, but....."  you just know they are about to come out with something offensive.  On the flip side, if she's stronger than you, rest assured that she won't need to be a drain on you this time around     And honestly, I'd hold that line.

[glows]

There's a ripple effect with divorce. It sounds like you were in the crosshairs. Keep up your good boundaries and don't feel bad for setting them and maintaining them. You have a clear conscience and nothing to worry about. If anything she may remember her harsh words to you in time and regret them. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alpaca said:

  what irritates me is that he is attempting to gain my favor, which is difficult for me because I know the torment he's put her through, and quite honestly, I believe she's being foolish to stay with him, but it's not my place to say so.

Sorry this is happening. You have leveled with her and that's a good thing.

She's proceeding at her own peril, but you did your job as a loved one.

Don't hesitate to cut the husband off. He's manipulating the situation, so avoid any contact with him.

[Donnas]

She needs to make the choice.

You can only support her when she ready to step out.

But if its abuse you sure need to keep let her know she is loved by you and deserve better.

But at some point the person gotta make the choice herself.

And advice her to either way seek a therapist.

Because just get back together wont help. 

 

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, Alpaca said:

what irritates me is that he is attempting to gain my favor, which is difficult for me

You said your piece to your cousin & she has made a different choice than you would have made.  She's a competent adult.  She gets to make her own choices even bad ones.  If you love her, support her by not abandoning her but you don't have to enable him.  See her, not them.  Make sure she's not isolated & is free to change her mind again. 

As for him sucking up to you, just sit & observe.  Let him do what he's going to do.  Take it with a grain of salt.  A friend recently told me her trick for dealing with difficult family members.  Whatever they say, especially the stuff that makes you want to scream, you respond "oh."  Just "oh."  No other comments.  You can change the inflection but nothing more.   The person gets acknowledged that you heard them but you haven't agreed with them nor have you started a fight 

Good luck. 

[Alpacalia]

Good advice, thanks everyone.

[Happy Lemming]

17 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I felt like that was such a low blow for her to say that while at the same time tried not to take it personally...

Many years ago, I hit my wall with my sister.  There is only so many times you can turn the other cheek when someone puts you down.  I severed ties 25 years ago and haven't talked to my sister since.

She never reached out to me (during these past 25+ years) and I have made no attempt to contact her.

My life is better that she is no longer a part of it.

It may be time to just "throw in the towel" on this individual and sever ties.

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Many years ago, I hit my wall with my sister.  There is only so many times you can turn the other cheek when someone puts you down.  I severed ties 25 years ago and haven't talked to my sister since.

She never reached out to me (during these past 25+ years) and I have made no attempt to contact her.

My life is better that she is no longer a part of it.

It may be time to just "throw in the towel" on this individual and sever ties.

Thanks!

Yes, it stung a little at first, but afterwards I found it comical - all things considered.

15 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

It may be time to just "throw in the towel" on this individual and sever ties.

Certainly, something to keep in mind, that’s for sure.

Sorry to hear about your falling out with your sister.

[Lotsgoingon]

This is a really tough one: how to be authentic and reasonably kind to someone who has bent your ear over a problem and then makes what we think is a dumb decision.

Very hard to deal with. I don't think anyone in your situation comes to some easy sense of peace. Part of you wants to scream, WTF?! Part of you wants to scream, "and you bent my ear for hours and then you go BACK to him?!" 

But you're polite so you (and most of us) don't say such a thing. 

I think the onus here is on your sister. Having taken up hours of your time, she could have said, "thank you for listening. you really helped me, and I think your thoughts are good, but I'm feeling like I want to try again." That would be a good thing for someone in your sister's position to say. 

I'm gonna cut to the quick. Be really honest here: does your sister have a history, a pattern, of making dumb decisions? Because if she does, then really you want to limit her time for bending your ear in the future. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

This is a really tough one: how to be authentic and reasonably kind to someone who has bent your ear over a problem and then makes what we think is a dumb decision.

Very hard to deal with. I don't think anyone in your situation comes to some easy sense of peace. Part of you wants to scream, WTF?! Part of you wants to scream, "and you bent my ear for hours and then you go BACK to him?!" 

But you're polite so you (and most of us) don't say such a thing. 

I think the onus here is on your sister. Having taken up hours of your time, she could have said, "thank you for listening. you really helped me, and I think your thoughts are good, but I'm feeling like I want to try again." That would be a good thing for someone in your sister's position to say. 

I'm gonna cut to the quick. Be really honest here: does your sister have a history, a pattern, of making dumb decisions? Because if she does, then really you want to limit her time for bending your ear in the future. 

Yes, it's a real pickle!

(For the record, she is my female cousin, not my sister.)

I stressed that it was ultimately her decision. I had some choice words for her and she said she completely understood and that she wanted my honest opinion, which I gave, and I ended it by saying that I simply do not like your husband, and when he tries to make nice with me, it makes my skin crawl, and I don't want to hear about your relationship anymore.

And she's since agreed not to bring him up again with me.

She hasn't so far since our "quarrel."

To her credit - she did express how much she appreciated my time and that I was there for her at such a low point.

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I'm gonna cut to the quick. Be really honest here: does your sister have a history, a pattern, of making dumb decisions? Because if she does, then really you want to limit her time for bending your ear in the future. 

No way, no how. At least not until this.

But I agree that I am limiting my time, and I began to withdraw the first time around. She only recently told me that she's attempting to work on her marriage and that she's giving it "a year."

Edited July 25, 2021 by Alpaca

[Cookiesandough]

I think what you did is the best way . “I respect your decision, but I don’t agree with it and I can’t like him after what he’s done to you” just be polite, but minimal contact with him. I had to go through similar, but with a friend. She always makes horrible dating decisions, gets mad when I don’t agree, then comes using my shoulder when I turn out to be right. I get it, it’s frustrating when 

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Sorry to hear about your falling out with your sister.

Nothing to be sorry about, again my life is better with her not in it.

It really is part of my distant past, just because we share the same mother and father doesn't mean we have to talk to one another or be friends.

That is the beauty of being an adult... you get to make the choices for yourself, they are not forced upon you (as when you were a child).

21 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Her spouse did some really heinous things
 

I would just distance myself from this whole mess, the last thing you need is to be involved if/when the police are called.  That way (when the police come knocking on your door) you can truthfully tell them "I haven't spoken to her in years, I have no idea what was going in her life."

 

[Alpacalia]

Just now, Happy Lemming said:

I would just distance myself from this whole mess, the last thing you need is to be involved if/when the police are called.  That way (when the police come knocking on your door) you can truthfully tell them "I haven't spoken to her in years, I have no idea what was going in her life."

 

😂 That's fantastic.

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

😂 That's fantastic.

Well a few years back, I sold a house (I had been working on) and had to move quickly.  So I picked an apartment complex near where I worked.  I didn't really do much research, as I didn't really have time.  The buyer wanted a quick close and I didn't want to lose the sale.

Any who... A few months after living at this apartment complex there was a knock on my door (just as got home from work).  I opened it up and my next door neighbor was bleeding horribly from his chest.  He said "Help me, I've been stabbed" then he collapsed in my door way. I called 911, grabbed a towel and applied pressure (to the wound) until the police and paramedics arrived.  I really thought he was going to die in my arms.

Long story... short.  This neighbor was a drug dealer who got stabbed in a drug deal that went bad.  A police detective interviewed me and berated me about what I knew about him, his contacts, his comings and goings, and basically everything.  I told the police detective I knew absolutely nothing about the guy, other than his first name.  I never saw him with anyone and I had been at work earlier that day.  The detective kept accusing me of holding back information and not telling everything I knew.  At that point, I just stopped talking and refused to answer any more questions and told the detective, I've already told you everything I know about the guy, there is nothing else to say.

[Alpacalia]

41 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Well a few years back, I sold a house (I had been working on) and had to move quickly.  So I picked an apartment complex near where I worked.  I didn't really do much research, as I didn't really have time.  The buyer wanted a quick close and I didn't want to lose the sale.

Any who... A few months after living at this apartment complex there was a knock on my door (just as got home from work).  I opened it up and my next door neighbor was bleeding horribly from his chest.  He said "Help me, I've been stabbed" then he collapsed in my door way. I called 911, grabbed a towel and applied pressure (to the wound) until the police and paramedics arrived.  I really thought he was going to die in my arms.

Long story... short.  This neighbor was a drug dealer who got stabbed in a drug deal that went bad.  A police detective interviewed me and berated me about what I knew about him, his contacts, his comings and goings, and basically everything.  I told the police detective I knew absolutely nothing about the guy, other than his first name.  I never saw him with anyone and I had been at work earlier that day.  The detective kept accusing me of holding back information and not telling everything I knew.  At that point, I just stopped talking and refused to answer any more questions and told the detective, I've already told you everything I know about the guy, there is nothing else to say.

Wowee.

No good deed goes unpunished I guess.

Well, that’s better than me.

(I hate to admit this but...)

I was driving in Golden Gate Park at night once (which I’m sure you know is not the safest) and what looked like a man (turned out to be a woman) came blazing down the street on a bicycle like Speedy Gonzales high as duck, flew off the bike, face-first on the concrete (no helmet). A couple walking bystanders went over to check, but I’m thinking it’s a trap, I’m going to get robbed and I sped off. 

Edited July 26, 2021 by Alpaca

[Happy Lemming]

22 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Her spouse did some really heinous things...

I'm just wondering what comes after "heinous"... I mean if her spouse did "heinous things" to her and she went back, what will he do next.  And do you really want to have to explain all of this to a police detective - who thinks you know more than you are telling or not telling the whole truth. 

12 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

No good deed goes unpunished I guess.

 

Oh... I've learned my lesson... Look through the peep hole before you open the door.  If I see someone bleeding, I'm not opening the door.

13 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

...but I’m thinking it’s a trap, I’m going to get robbed and I sped off. 

A lot of times it is a trap/robbery/scam.  Trust me, I'm going to keep driving like I didn't see a thing.  Lesson learned.

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I'm just wondering what comes after "heinous"...

Hmm. Satanic, maybe? 

Well, I'll just say, very unsavory. 🤢

18 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Oh... I've learned my lesson... Look through the peep hole before you open the door.  If I see someone bleeding, I'm not opening the door.

That or hang a sign on the door, go away... no one's home (PS. this house is being monitored by ADT) 

😊

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I think what you did is the best way . “I respect your decision, but I don’t agree with it and I can’t like him after what he’s done to you” just be polite, but minimal contact with him. I had to go through similar, but with a friend. She always makes horrible dating decisions, gets mad when I don’t agree, then comes using my shoulder when I turn out to be right. I get it, it’s frustrating when 

Thanks Cookies! Fortunately, this is a first for her, married for 10+ years with children. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

First, she only told you her version of events. He wasn't there to give his side.

Second, talking crap about your partner behind his or her back and creating enemies for them is a red flag. I would be hesitant to trust this person with my own personal information.

 

[ShyViolet]

Stay out of other people's drama.  Even if it's your cousin.  You were right to tell her that you are not going to engage in discussions with her anymore about her relationship.  You don't need to be someone's dumping ground for their problems.  If she is going to make bad decisions then she needs to deal with it like an adult, and all the consequences that may come along with it.  You would be smart to distance yourself.