Anyone who can weigh in on the mentality of this cheater who hit on me?

[Cookiesandough]

Just when you think you’ve got people figured out 
 

 

I met my ex’s friend at a local establishment to buy something from him. We’ve hung out a few times out and about and he and my ex seemed like pretty good friends. Then he got a gf and we used to talk about going on a double  date 
 

So after I purchased the stuff,  I noticed he seemed tipsy. He convinced me to get a drink with him, during which time he tells me this strange stuff about how he and his gf are in a “relationship of convenience” and it’s “not going to last”. He said she used to be a stripper and she messes around with girls on the side and recently told him he can see other people too so he’s redefining the whole “relationship” thing and prefers to call it a “partnership”. He said he doesn’t like the idea no one owns anyone and it’s “not like he’s going to marry her.” “Well, maybe” 
 

So basically just your standard cheater faire, but I was kind of surprised even drunk he’s being that forward, especially considering he’s friends with my ex who I recently broke up with. 
 

Also want to mention this guy is is unattractive for days and completely gross for all manner of reasons. Like if sleeping with him would save all humanity —sorry, you guys are fcked. 

 

But forever the researcher, I decide to see how far this rabbit hole will go, so I started messing with his head/playing along. I’m like “totally. Why box yourself in with monogamy? It’s unnatural.”

 

He’s like “I have a business trip to Tennessee on Wednesday. You like Tennessee? I’m going to ask [his gf] if it’s ok, but I think it’d be fun. I could get two beds”

 

I was like “why’ two beds’?😉One works too” and “also, why ask your gf? I’m certainly not going to say anything.😏” He said, “You don’t think I should?Ok, maybe I won’t.” 

 

I said, “but what about [my ex]. What do you think he’d think of it?😟” He’s like, “yeah… haha that’s the problem!” I said, “aren’t you guys…friends?

 

”Idk. Are we?”I’m laughing this whole time. 

So we said bye, it’s been great, we hugged and I said yeah fortunately you’re not gonna remember any of this and he said yea maybe not but to hit him about about how I like the stuff and I said yea I’ll contact him, , lol 

My question is this: wtf? I mean I get he and his gf might have their own thing going on, but what about as a buddy to my ex? He knows we recently broke up and told me   (@Happy Lemmingwas right ) that he is doing better  this time around, but wtf would you do that to a “friend”? Also what’s going on with his gf? Do you think Bc she’s been messing around he wants to do the same with just anyone who will? Or did he pick me Bc of my ex? Is this just the product of being drunk for him? Because I’ve been around people that have been drunk plenty of times but doesn’t mean they pull that stuff. 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Like if sleeping with him would save all humanity —sorry, you guys are fcked. My question is this: wtf? 

He seems a bit creepy, try not to go out drinking with him.

[Cookiesandough]

You’re right and I’ll try not to 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

It seems like he’s looking for a way to boost his ego and morale after feeling dejected and confused by what his gf has told him. I doubt he even thought so far as to wonder about your ex. He only agreed with you because you mentioned it. 

I’d think of his proposition as a dumb inebriated one and put it out of your mind. I think you may still have feelings for your ex? 

[Cookiesandough]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

It seems like he’s looking for a way to boost his ego and morale after feeling dejected and confused by what his gf has told him. I doubt he even thought so far as to wonder about your ex. He only agreed with you because you mentioned it. 

I’d think of his proposition as a dumb inebriated one and put it out of your mind. I think you may still have feelings for your ex? 

Ty for the thoughts on it. You may be right. Well, the reason why I even went out for a drink with him is because he said that he wanted to talk about my ex over a drink. Because I hadn’t spoken to my ex since I broke up with him/blocked him. I just wanted to know how he was doing. So this guy told me that my ex is doing a little bit better this time around. He also told me that he thinks my ex  seems too controlling/possessive and has too many standards for a rships, so he understands why I did it. He said he has high standards for their friendship. That was the first thing he said when we met up. He asked me what I’m doing to get all my bf’s so stuck and I was messing with him, so I said “idk. We just had a connection. And I’m really great it bed. “ 

lol

no. I have absolutely no feelings for my ex anymore. That’s why I broke up with him

 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[kendahke]

Cheaters gonna cheat... it's how they're wired.

 

[Cookiesandough]

Yea, I suppose so. I just didn’t think that you would be that bold about it. And to your friend too. That’s dirty. People shock me every day. They’re so weird. Also, I forgot to add that after I mentioned my ex/his friend he said “this is such a bad idea” and we both go  “but that’s why it’s so much fun!” I guess so. 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

He feels comfortable around you.. most of all though I think he’s stinging quite bad due to tension or disagreement in his own relationship. He mentioned he doesn’t see it lasting and he just admitted his friend is controlling so he really has nothing left to lose if his gf and friend are poor examples of human beings, right? (in his mind)

You probably come across as one person he might respect or can be candid with. Either way, best to stay away.

[kendahke]

9 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yea, I suppose so. I just didn’t think that you would be that bold about it. And to your friend too. That’s dirty. People shock me every day. They’re so weird. Also, I forgot to add that after I mentioned my ex/his friend he said “this is such a bad idea” and we both go  “but that’s why it’s so much fun!” I guess so. 

He's lying in someone's face; either yours or your ex's.  Even though you've got nothing for your ex anymore, it has to suck to have a so-called friend eager to plunge a knife in his back by trying to get you underneath him... and don't be surprised when he goes back to your ex and tells him that his seeing you was all your idea and you tried to get him in the sack-anything to get out from under the bright spotlight of consequences. For him to toss his "loyalty" to his boy away like he did says that they do not have the freindship your ex thinks they have.  I'd make that the last time I ever dealt with him in this lifetime.

[Cookiesandough]

22 minutes ago, glows said:

He feels comfortable around you.. most of all though I think he’s stinging quite bad due to tension or disagreement in his own relationship. He mentioned he doesn’t see it lasting and he just admitted his friend is controlling so he really has nothing left to lose if his gf and friend are poor examples of human beings, right? (in his mind)

You probably come across as one person he might respect or can be candid with. Either way, best to stay away.

Ty. I don’t know why he would. We don’t really know each other that well. Just hung out a few times while he was friends with my ex

 

but he was also drunk. So that might have made him feel more open. Even so, I never really believed that he would be so bold. One of the first things he asked me was “you are still trying to be friends with [my ex]right? “And I said yeah I want to be cool with him I don’t want him to hate me. 

 

Then he tells me he and his gf aren’t serious and he wants to go to dinner with me.. But what would stop me from running and telling my ex he hit on me/told me all that stuff, Bc he knows how much my ex likes me/has feelings still . even if his relationship with his gf is “unconventional” and she would be ok with it like he says, it’s still a crappy thing to do to your friend. 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

7 minutes ago, kendahke said:

He's lying in someone's face; either yours or your ex's.  Even though you've got nothing for your ex anymore, it has to suck to have a so-called friend eager to plunge a knife in his back by trying to get you underneath him... and don't be surprised when he goes back to your ex and tells him that his seeing you was all your idea and you tried to get him in the sack-anything to get out from under the bright spotlight of consequences. For him to toss his "loyalty" to his boy away like he did says that they do not have the freindship your ex thinks they have.  I'd make that the last time I ever dealt with him in this lifetime.

Oh my gosh… that would be so funny.  That is so conniving … I love it. I like the way you think, Kendahke. You cover all bases. Or maybe you’ve seen most of it. 
I am pretty curious about the relationship now. They seemed pretty close, at least that’s how my ex felt. But I  guess not on his end because he said “I don’t know” when I asked if they’re friends. I said “obviously not good friends” and he said “what kind of friends do you think we are then?” 

Oh I’m definitely never going to see him again and already found another place to buy stuff next time. 
 

 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

He knows we recently broke up and told me   (@Happy Lemmingwas right ) that he is doing better  this time around...

Yes... he probably didn't let himself get as invested the second time around.

I was dating this one woman for about 2 years, she dumped me... then came back 6 months later.  I was careful not to get too attached as I knew she would be leaving me, again.  Sure enough about 3 months later, I was dumped again... but I was expecting it and not as surprised. 

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

... she messes around with girls on the side.

The bi-sexual thing is one of my main deal breakers.  I'm OK with competing with other guys (for a woman's attention) but not both women and men.

Your ex's friend's relationship with this woman sounds almost like an FWB relationship or modified FWB relationship.

Edited July 25, 2021 by Happy Lemming
spelling

[glows]

Your ex will have his own thoughts about the break up though, Cookies. He wasn’t good to you. If he was controlling you’re conditioned to bending to his needs/wants to appease someone like that. You broke out of that but are still worried over what he thinks of you. That has to stop.. don’t let that overtake your thoughts or keep you from finding love with someone else. It’s too much wasted energy over someone of the past. He’s entitled to being upset and negative and if he can’t move on that’s on him.

[Cookiesandough]

My ex was not that controlling to me ?. That is what this guy said to me though. He said that he got the impression that my ex has too high expectations from his rship and friendship . I didn’t see it that way. I think you’d have to have pretty low standards to be friends with this guy. And as for possessive, I guess the fact that my ex didn’t want me to sleep with others and vice versa would constitute as possessive to this guy… 

 

 

 

Not  really worried what my ex thinks about me, honest.  More just curious on how he was doing since the break up since since he offered to buy a drink and talk about some stuff about him, I was curious. I’m happy to hear that he is better than he was last time

Edited July 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yea, I suppose so. I just didn’t think that you would be that bold about it. And to your friend too. That’s dirty. People shock me every day. They’re so weird. Also, I forgot to add that after I mentioned my ex/his friend he said “this is such a bad idea” and we both go  “but that’s why it’s so much fun!” I guess so. 

To be fair, he was just drunken blathering about what's going on with them.  He didn't really get bold until you invited it. 

[S2B]

What a jerk!

he’s letting you know clearly he likes to cheat!

he just wanted to know if you were his willing affair partner.

why didn’t you shut that crap down? 
 

ya know - when someone really wants to break off any relationship - they do that!

he’s just fishing for sex.

[Cookiesandough]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

To be fair, he was just drunken blathering about what's going on with them.  He didn't really get bold until you invited it. 

Oh wait, basil, were you there? Because that’s not how I remembered it. So this is my fault huh.  How did I invite it? He is the one who wanted to go to dinner/see other people.  I just went with what he was offering to see if I was clear on what he meant by it 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

What a jerk!

he’s letting you know clearly he likes to cheat!

he just wanted to know if you were his willing affair partner.

why didn’t you shut that crap down? 
 

ya know - when someone really wants to break off any relationship - they do that!

he’s just fishing for sex.

Ty for your perspective. He kind of said though that his gf said it’s cool for him to see others… that could be a lie.. but I’m thinking more how he had the gall to do that to his friend. He know how messed up he’s been about us because he told me. 
 

&  I guess I never see the need to “shut it down” Not doing anything about it is plenty good enough. I’m just here for a good time, not to moderate anyone’s morals. 

[basil67]

22 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Oh wait, basil, were you there? Because that’s not how I remembered it. So this is my fault huh.  How did I invite it? He is the one who wanted to go to dinner/see other people.  I just went with what he was offering to see if I was clear on what he meant by it 

I didn't see it as an invitation.  In your shoes, I would have simply interpreted it as drunken blathering and I certainly wouldn't have gone on the ride with him.

You know, he may well remember this conversation and think you're up for it.

[Cookiesandough]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I didn't see it as an invitation.  In your shoes, I would have simply interpreted it as drunken blathering and I certainly wouldn't have gone on the ride with him.

You know, he may well remember this conversation and think you're up for it.

I guess I don’t everyday. meet with friend’s of an ex bf who, even drunk, within 10 talk about how they’re in a casual partnership(though all other things, including fb, suggest otherwise) and want to know if I’ll go on a business trip and share a room with them even though they know it’s a bad idea with my ex being involved, basil. Sorry. I guess I was a bit curious.
 

But you’re right, it’s not his fault,  it’s mine for assuming that a man could ever resist the wiles of Jezebel…xD 

 

it’s my fault for flirting as a totally single person with no ties to these people whatsoever lol. I’m completely fine with him remembering. Everyone’s free to have memories. 
 

 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

I guess I don’t everyday. meet with friend’s of an ex bf who, even drunk, within 10 talk about how they’re in a casual partnership(though all other things, including fb, suggest otherwise) and want to know if I’ll go on a business trip and share a room with them even though they know it’s a bad idea with my ex being involved, basil. Sorry. I guess I was a bit curious.

He offered the business trip AFTER you started playing games and thoroughly agreed with how silly monogamy was.

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

But you’re right, it’s not his fault,  it’s mine for assuming that a man could ever resist the wiles of Jezebel…xD 

You were both wrong.  Him for being drunk and blathery and you for baiting him to further drop himself in it.   Look, even if he was hitting on you when drunk, it's happened to all of us.  A drunken (married) friend of my husband got all gushy and gooey at me recently, but I left it alone because he was drunk.  I certainly didn't go baiting him to see how far it will go and then complain about it.

 

 

[Cookiesandough]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

He offered the business trip AFTER you started playing games and thoroughly agreed with how silly monogamy was.

You were both wrong.  Him for being drunk and blathery and you for baiting him to further drop himself in it.   Look, even if he was hitting on you when drunk, it's happened to all of us.  A drunken (married) friend of my husband got all gushy and gooey at me recently, but I left it alone because he was drunk.  I certainly didn't go baiting him to see how far it will go and then complain about it.

 

 

Well excuuuuse me, it’s not happened to me before. Ex’s friends flirting with me, yes, but this guy was one of the few people that my ex had leaned on after we broke up the first time(my ex told me that)  and  it was much more than just flirting.
 

What I did was just flirt. Harmless flirting is NBD but propositioning someone who you know your close friend is hung up on is basically just drawing a big sign that says “looking for drama”. He wasn’t just venting about his bad rship, he asked me to go to dinner with him this week, and to see if I was clear on what he was talking about, I started responding back. I didn’t “invite “ anything, merely played along/encouraged it because why not 

 

But I know everything is my fault, Basil, so I guess we could just leave it at that

 

Also, I think that is equally messed up of your husband’s buddy

Edited July 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[elaine567]

I had this happen to me, my ex's good buddy, decided I was just what he wanted. 
Good looking, rich, very classy, oodles of potential, but i was so cut up and  and hurt by my no good ex I turned him down.
How idiotic was I?
Could have changed the entire course of my history...

[Cookiesandough]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I had this happen to me, my ex's good buddy, decided I was just what he wanted. 
Good looking, rich, very classy, oodles of potential, but i was so cut up and  and hurt by my no good ex I turned him down.
How idiotic was I?
Could have changed the entire course of my history...

Lol, I love you so much, Elaine. You crack me up. Unfortunately, this guy is not good looking, rich, very classy, nor has one modicum of potential… he’s complete gross. otherwise, maybe I would. I understand regretting that though 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

Also, I have actually dated an ex’s friend before under way less shady circumstances, so I know what drama that causes 

 

This guy saw all that drama go down, heard my ex vent about it, so for him to have been all over me last night at a bar my ex goes to  alone is  pretty ballsy. Also, my ex has actually helped this guy out on many occasions, loaning him stuff, designing flyers. More  I’m thinking about it, more screwed up it gets .

 

Is this just how some people are when they’ve had a few drinks in them? I mean he wasn’t loaded or anything, he was lucid and seemed pretty aware. in fact , I think I’m telling myself he was drunk to make myself feel better. But we’re just going to go with that 
 

 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough