Change in behaviour after second meeting in person

[Graegh]

Hey there,

I've met a really nice and lovely girl that is very similar to me in terms of personality. We met on the Internet in October 2019. Let’s name her K. To be honest, the next 2 months after we had met, probably were the best time of my entire life. I’ve been so extremely happy. We've been texting on Messenger every day.

One day K. told me she liked me. I didn't really know what to do, I was half a year after a breakup, and didn't feel ready for a new relationship. I just shied away a bit and started avoiding the 'love', 'likes' and 'relationship' topics.

In January 2020 we had an argument, I can't remember what it was about, but we stopped talking for a month. After that time she texted me on Messenger and I apologised. She said it was okay, but the talk wasn't really taking flight. Everything was a bit dry and snippy. We talked less and less, and when in June 2020 she started dating another boy, we stopped texting completely.

In August 2020 I started thinking about her and missed the times when we talked. I wrote her a ‘thank you’ letter, in which I also apologised for my wrongdoings again. I sent it to her using an app, on which we met for the first time. She texted me in October 2020 on Messenger and asked me how it was going for me etc. I told her about the letter, she read it and she was really moved. Either way she stopped texting after a few days.

She texted me in February 2021, we texted for a few hours, but she stopped responding in the end.

In June 2021 K. texted me again and I learned that in April 2021 she broke up with her boyfriend and she has a hard time. We started texting every day again. After a few days she said her feelings towards me came back and about a week later she started to say ‘I love you’ to me. We decided to meet when I was coming back from my holiday with my friend in the beginning of July. Everything went very well, we were a bit shy, but that’s natural, I guess. We ate lunch together and we all went back home. She told me she was so happy that we finally met, and that she loves me. I was really happy as well. A few days later, there was a possibility of meeting again. So I drove almost 400 km (about 250 mi) to where she lived. When I arrived I bought her a big bouquet of flowers. She was happy, but still a bit shy, or that I only thought. I hoped it would pass, but she was acting very weird, was tense and didn’t even want to hug (even though she said on Messenger she would like to hug and cuddle a lot). She was a bit dry towards me. She only said 'I love you’ once, when we were getting to sleep.

I was supposed to stay 5 days, because her then-visiting cousin was going to be away. But something happened and the cousin had to come back 2 days earlier. There was not much room for everyone, so I proposed that I leave. She had literally no objections. I understand her, but that was a bit sad for me that she didn’t even try to make an objection to my proposition. She just said she’s angry at the situation and that she was sorry about it. Then she was worried if I was angry at her for it, but I said no.

The next day after she received the information about her cousin coming back I left in the morning and stopped somewhere on the road and texted her that I’m sorry for being a burden (I felt like one), for being boring and unfunny and that she probably expected someone else instead of what she got. She said she was sorry for behaving weirdly and that she wasn’t ready for a relationship and that it all was a bit weird for her.

Since I arrived back home, I've felt like she was trying to avoid me and she acted very oddly. Yesterday, I asked her why she was avoiding me and she told me that she just couldn’t get over her ex and the fact that I tried to hug her a lot, kiss her forehead a couple of times and hold her hand once or twice on our second meeting in person was a bit weird for her and she didn’t really like it to be that fast (even though I asked her like a million times if she’s 100% sure she’s okay with it). She told me she can’t hug or spend time with any male, because her ex just keeps popping up inside her head. Then, I asked her again, why she was avoiding me, just to make sure, but she told me she wanted to use her phone less (she’s active on Messenger a lot, so I’m not very convinced about it). Before we met in person she was on Messenger almost 24/7 and responded immediately to my messages, but now she takes a long time to respond or even see the messages, even though she’s active.

What can I do? Should I give her time? Or should I leave immediately? I really want this one to work out, I feel like she’s very special and I don’t want to lose her. She doesn’t know what she feels right now. She’s so distant. I feel like she’s avoiding me and it’s killing me. I’ve already did harm to myself once. I don’t want to be intrusive or pushy, but I also want to feel wanted, not to feel like trash. I can't think what I would do if she started dating someone else.

Sorry for this post being a bit lengthy and bitty or incorrect in some places, but I’m not an English native speaker and I needed to have my thoughts written down fast. I hope I can count on some advice. Thanks a lot in advance.

[glows]

You have very low self-esteem. Is this something you’re aware of and trying to deal with? Please do not self-harm. Talk to your doctor, find a specialist or get a referral to speak to someone. Don’t keep apologizing to her, no more notes, messages or phone calls on the PC or via phone. 

She was on the rebound and you were available so became the easiest choice for her. Keep your distance and if it means ending any communication it’s best to do so. Work on your confidence and self-esteem. You didn’t need to apologize to her for a single thing from what I’m reading. And you also owe her nothing. 

Care for yourself first before her or anyone else. If your paths are meant to cross again, that’s fine, but now isn’t the right time.

[Graegh]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

Is this something you’re aware of and trying to deal with?

Yes, I am aware of it and I'm trying to change my thinking.

I will try to keep my distance. And thanks a lot for your response, I really needed that.

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Graegh said:

Yes, I am aware of it and I'm trying to change my thinking.

I will try to keep my distance. And thanks a lot for your response, I really needed that.

Glad to hear this. You deserve better than this, frankly. At least she is honest with you about not being over her ex. Her saying “I love you” so soon is a red flag. Too much too soon is a sign of unfinished business and overcompensation for lost opportunity someplace else. Usually individuals do this while still in the throes of a break up or soon after a break up because those deeper feelings are fresh for someone else. You can take this as a lesson for the future and something to keep an eye out for. I think you already sensed this. Trust your instincts.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Graegh said:

I learned that in April 2021 she broke up with her boyfriend and she has a hard time. We started texting every day again. After a few days she said her feelings towards me came back and about a week later she started to say ‘I love you’ to me

Pretty convenient, no?

Disappears when she starts dating someone (naturally), reappears when they break up and suddenly her feelings are coming back. Odd coincidence, that. My guy, this had "rebound" written all over it. She knew you would be available to her and she was hurting and lonely from her break-up, so she came looking for you. Not cool. I doubt she had malicious intent, but she's also handling her pain from her ex very poorly rather than taking the time to process the split and heal. 

As @glows already mentioned, saying she loved you so early on is a red flag too. It's the sign of someone on the rebound, and of someone who is emotionally immature. Most adults would recognize that real love takes a lot more together-time (in person) to develop. She's either got a very different definition of "love" than you do, or she tosses around the word without much thought. 

In short, I think you would be wise to realize that this is not going to work. She didn't "come back" to you for the right reasons and you deserve someone who fully reciprocates your interest and loving heart. 

[Graegh]

21 hours ago, glows said:

Glad to hear this. You deserve better than this, frankly. At least she is honest with you about not being over her ex. Her saying “I love you” so soon is a red flag. Too much too soon is a sign of unfinished business and overcompensation for lost opportunity someplace else. Usually individuals do this while still in the throes of a break up or soon after a break up because those deeper feelings are fresh for someone else. You can take this as a lesson for the future and something to keep an eye out for. I think you already sensed this. Trust your instincts.

 

Well, she said she thought she was ready for a relationship when we texted, but when we met in person, she suddenly realized she isn't ready yet. I have literally no idea what to think or even how to feel about it. I have no idea why I didn't see such obvious cause and effect of her actions.
The funny thing is, she told me she still had some feelings for me, when I confessed to her that I would like to become a priest (don't judge me haha). I guess she thought she would miss the opportunity of having someone to help her with her struggles, but well, who actually knows...

 

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Pretty convenient, no?

Disappears when she starts dating someone (naturally), reappears when they break up and suddenly her feelings are coming back. Odd coincidence, that. My guy, this had "rebound" written all over it. She knew you would be available to her and she was hurting and lonely from her break-up, so she came looking for you. Not cool. I doubt she had malicious intent, but she's also handling her pain from her ex very poorly rather than taking the time to process the split and heal. 

As @glows already mentioned, saying she loved you so early on is a red flag too. It's the sign of someone on the rebound, and of someone who is emotionally immature. Most adults would recognize that real love takes a lot more together-time (in person) to develop. She's either got a very different definition of "love" than you do, or she tosses around the word without much thought. 

In short, I think you would be wise to realize that this is not going to work. She didn't "come back" to you for the right reasons and you deserve someone who fully reciprocates your interest and loving heart. 

Yeah, as I've already mentioned, she told me she was ready for a relationship when we texted and when we met for the first time, but somehow suddenly realized she's not ready when I met her the second time lmao
Two days ago, I told her that if she wants me gone from her life, I'll never contact her again. She said, however, she wants me in her life and wants to text and chat with me and that if it were different, she would not respond to my messages. And yesterday, she stopped responding altogether. I have no idea what sh*tty ghosting games she's trying to play right now, but I'm not going to get myself caught up in this madness.
Too bad she made me fall for her, promised me it would be great, she would help me, I promised I would help her as well, and now she left me like a bag of trash. I'm not even angry. It's just unbelievably upsetting, especially since I would've never thought she'd ever pull a stunt like that.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Graegh said:

She said, however, she wants me in her life and wants to text and chat with me

Tough cookies. What she wants is not important. You need to look out for yourself now.

This girl is immature and selfish, OP. You need to wake up to that reality. She wants you to entertain her and stroke her ego while she is still hung up on her ex. That is not fair to you. Her "interest" in you is not to date you, but to have you around as a back-up to fill in the gaps when she's lonely and wants attention. 

You are going to have to learn a few lessons here: don't invest in someone you have not actually dated in person, and by dated I mean not just meeting up a couple times. Don't just take someone's word - watch their behaviour with you. Don't expect someone else to be your key to happiness. It hurts, I realize. But you are in control here. You don't need to let her waltz in and out of your life when it suits her. Read the writing on the wall, even if you don't like what you're reading. 

[glows]

On 7/26/2021 at 1:54 PM, Graegh said:

Well, she said she thought she was ready for a relationship when we texted, but when we met in person, she suddenly realized she isn't ready yet. I have literally no idea what to think or even how to feel about it. I have no idea why I didn't see such obvious cause and effect of her actions.
The funny thing is, she told me she still had some feelings for me, when I confessed to her that I would like to become a priest (don't judge me haha). I guess she thought she would miss the opportunity of having someone to help her with her struggles, but well, who actually knows...

 

Yeah, as I've already mentioned, she told me she was ready for a relationship when we texted and when we met for the first time, but somehow suddenly realized she's not ready when I met her the second time lmao
Two days ago, I told her that if she wants me gone from her life, I'll never contact her again. She said, however, she wants me in her life and wants to text and chat with me and that if it were different, she would not respond to my messages. And yesterday, she stopped responding altogether. I have no idea what sh*tty ghosting games she's trying to play right now, but I'm not going to get myself caught up in this madness.
Too bad she made me fall for her, promised me it would be great, she would help me, I promised I would help her as well, and now she left me like a bag of trash. I'm not even angry. It's just unbelievably upsetting, especially since I would've never thought she'd ever pull a stunt like that.

I wanted to be a nun when I was eight or something like that. And then puberty happened and everything got sidetracked. I laugh also thinking about this. I suppose it's never too late. Are you still looking into priesthood?

You have to brush off that disappointment and move on from this. The situation isn't workable for a stable relationship or a start to one. Get back up and do some soul searching, connect back with what makes you happy with life and disengage. Move forwards.