How to deal with realising your family never loved you?

[weddingdoubts]

I know this sounds pathetic, but late in life I have truly come to the realisation that none of my family truly loved or cared for me; my father was an abusive alcoholic, my mum a withdrawn 'victim' who never took care of us, and my greedy, selfish older sibling who only took of themselves. I was pretty much forgotten and left on my own (literally, had to even make some of my own dinners, etc. from 5 years on...) 

Anyway, my questions is - how do you deal with that huge, empty hole of what shod have been a loving, caring childhood, or feelings of being welcome, wanted, included, loved, etc. I now I have been 'chasing' other things to fill that void all my life, and suddenly just realised that nothing will ever replace or fill it - what do you do when even your own family didn't love you?

[elaine567]

https://www.outofthestorm.website/dysfunctional-family-roles - which one are you?

[Cookiesandough]

It doesn’t sound pathetic. I am sorry. That is hard. I guess how I would deal with it would be to remind myself that we don’t get to choose our family and make your friends your family. At least when they love you you know it’s because of who you are as a person and not just who you are biologically because they’re “supposed to”

[d0nnivain]

Attend a meeting of a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA).  You will find people who share how you feel. It will explain a lot

[ShyViolet]

There's no easy answer to this.  You need to go to therapy.  It's a whole process dealing with something like this.

[LuckyM]

I don't believe you can find an answer on a forum. I understand what you mean,

but without more information, it is hard to say. You learn to live with it, and it is

sad, yes, but not overwhelming. Some people succeed very well in life. Don't rely on cliches for

answers. I find more researching this common topic on Google.

[glows]

On 7/25/2021 at 3:48 PM, weddingdoubts said:

I know this sounds pathetic, but late in life I have truly come to the realisation that none of my family truly loved or cared for me; my father was an abusive alcoholic, my mum a withdrawn 'victim' who never took care of us, and my greedy, selfish older sibling who only took of themselves. I was pretty much forgotten and left on my own (literally, had to even make some of my own dinners, etc. from 5 years on...) 

Anyway, my questions is - how do you deal with that huge, empty hole of what shod have been a loving, caring childhood, or feelings of being welcome, wanted, included, loved, etc. I now I have been 'chasing' other things to fill that void all my life, and suddenly just realised that nothing will ever replace or fill it - what do you do when even your own family didn't love you?

But it is not pathetic. You grew up in an abusive home and had to fend for yourself regularly. There is nothing pathetic about your pain or what you went through. You can talk about it in a safe place, choose therapy. Ask for a referral from your doctor if you want to speak with a psychologist. Start in small steps and reach out to support groups in your area. 

Maybe in time you can also start to explore new variations and ideas about what love means to you. Loving kindness? Being supportive? Accepting of you as a person. You weren't accepted in your childhood. You were abused and neglected so finding new ways to create love and find love or explore love in your adulthood might be something worth checking out with someone trained to help in these situations. 

[stillafool]

On 7/25/2021 at 6:48 PM, weddingdoubts said:

I know this sounds pathetic, but late in life I have truly come to the realisation that none of my family truly loved or cared for me; my father was an abusive alcoholic, my mum a withdrawn 'victim' who never took care of us, and my greedy, selfish older sibling who only took of themselves. I was pretty much forgotten and left on my own (literally, had to even make some of my own dinners, etc. from 5 years on...) 

Anyway, my questions is - how do you deal with that huge, empty hole of what shod have been a loving, caring childhood, or feelings of being welcome, wanted, included, loved, etc. I now I have been 'chasing' other things to fill that void all my life, and suddenly just realised that nothing will ever replace or fill it - what do you do when even your own family didn't love you?

I've known people who grew up in a family atmosphere the way you describe and they found healing by creating their own family and not making the same mistakes as their parents.