What's the point?

[pepperbird2]

11 hours ago, Layla19455 said:

 

  I was curious and watched the  way he behaved with his wife.  Weirdly,  that doesn't bother me, as in I'm not jealous or need to be different.  I just wouldn't want her to have pain that this would cause.  

 

look, I'm sorry, but this is  is just about the most ridiculous statement  have read on here in a long time.
You don't sound like a mean or cruel person, but this " I wouldn't want to have pain"' while you're sleeping with her husband is pretty silly. I know you don't mean it to be but it is. Don't believe me? Try picturing her standing in front of you and saying "I didn't mean to upset you, but i wanted good sex my husband wasn't giving me what I wanted so I got it from yours, but don't be hurt, it's just sex and nothing more"

Think she's just brush it off with a smile or would it wound her to her core?

Edited August 16, 2021 by pepperbird2

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

look, I'm sorry, but this is  is just about the most ridiculous statement  have read on here in a long time.
You don't sound like a mean or cruel person, but this " I wouldn't want to have pain"' while you're sleeping with her husband is pretty silly.

This is exactly the kind of statement that one would make when they are only considering the situation from their own point of view. What is missing from this statement is the ability to consider the situation from the other person’s point of view - and that, is the basis of empathy.

What’s more - when most people come “face to face” with the person they are hurting, they feel remorse - not here.

If that last statement about not wanting her to have pain is in fact remorse - it shows such dissociation. It’s a passing comment made about a stranger - “she seems like a nice person, I would hate for her to feel pain.” That kind of statement is fine if you don’t know the woman… it’s just plain ludicrous considering that the person making that statement is the person causing the pain. 

Layla, I read your post this morning and couldn’t respond - how do I put into words how completely self absorbed and entitled this post sounds? Perhaps it’s not what you intended, but it is how it comes across. “I saw the man that I’m cheating with playing with his family at the beach and I thought - nope, I’m good here.” 

Edited August 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

The whole thing reeks of entitlement and dissociation.  Marry a man she isn't attracted to then blame him for a lack of intimacy,  start an affair and again blame her husband. Watching the OM and sizing him up as a potential partner and thinking I hate her to feel pain. Assuming that he would actually leave his faithful wife for another man's unfaithful one. 

Her words intent on leading us away from her true intentions.  In reading this what I hear is, I want this guy but I don't really think he wants me.

[Newby1234]

3 hours ago, DKT3 said:

The whole thing reeks of entitlement and dissociation.  Marry a man she isn't attracted to then blame him for a lack of intimacy,  start an affair and again blame her husband. Watching the OM and sizing him up as a potential partner and thinking I hate her to feel pain. Assuming that he would actually leave his faithful wife for another man's unfaithful one. 

Her words intent on leading us away from her true intentions.  In reading this what I hear is, I want this guy but I don't really think he wants me.

Hold up there DKT3.  I don't know where your history is involved in this topic,  but don't project your own issues into my mess.  Nor make any assumptions of what I seek or want.  This entire topic was a confudled expression of wtf was the scenario.   Right or wrong.  Not acknowledging the confusion I was feeling and coming toward me from OM left processing and knowledge undone and unchanged.  It has to happen. It is part if the process.   

Also don't assume anything as disgusting as your posts suggest. My husband has horrible chronic pain that is why there is no sex.  Nerve pain that runs through his testicle, lower back. Our intimacy fell through when all hell broke lose that his son attempted to molest my daughter and had been doing so to my stepdaughters for their childhood. I had 4 children to work through that stuff. And he had to come to terms with his son and ptsd getting worse.  I spent 3 months with a counselor early this year evaluating my marriage and our issues.  Had years of emails where we talked of these things.  My husband's struggles with us fell apart after he knew what his son did.  I would of left then, but the kids needed me and we had 2 mortgages.  I have done all I can to improve it.  My counselor didn't condone my choice, they are very separate issues.  I sought her out when  OM started getting attached and changing his behavior.  As she stated, my marriage won't change, my decision to stay or go is there.  But factors outweigh staying vs. leaving.  My husband is amazing, handsome, and caring but other health things for him and that I care do make me want to stay.  Yhe worsening ptsd and pain limit his activities that I love with or without him.  How much am willing to give up after years of all of that, it lessened greatly. This is not fabrication or justification, but what it is.  

I would not want OM.  But the intimacy that changed made me struggle with what I had lost.  There is nothing real about what happens between us, that had been very clearly stated and helped put my thoughts and feelings into a realistic place.  There's no fog.  I'm not doing good the right thing.  

My ex did this to me, so I absolutely would not want his wife to feel that pain. But OM ultimately would own that and I would contribute.   Don't disregard his behavior and put that on me.  I own mine.

And he does struggle with what he feels for me, he has from the start. I didn't, but did as I got into more personal conversations and interactions.  That's what I need to acknowledge how much I have not had of that and continue to live with it at home or change my marital status. 

The statement of not feeling jealous or such, but was my indication that my feelings for him aren't real or genuine.  He is who he is while with her or myself.  He does have some very good qualities, but also bad ones.  So, hoping I don't hear from him would easily put am end to this. I get jealous when my husband is approached by women, because I care and would be devastated if he did this.  

Make and hold your judgements,  that is your right.  But don't put your history into mine.  I'm not self entitled or selfish, but struggling with myself, where I am I'm life with these loses. 

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, Layla19455 said:

I'm not self entitled or selfish, but struggling with myself, where I am I'm life with these loses. 

I hear that, but why not find a single man with whom you can become FWB? There are lots of men out there who would gladly take you up on that offer - no need to settle on another woman’s husband. Respectfully, that’s where you lose any kind of credibility… You have suffered and you are dealing with grief and loss - but in working through that trauma/confusion/pain, there are other choices that could be made. If you don’t want the woman to feel pain then don’t hurt her - you need to make a different decision.

Edited August 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

Whenever a wayward spouses posts here, and hear things they don't want to hear they do what you just did. There is no projection here, my opinion was based solely on what you've posted. Every statement can be backed up by your own words. 

Example,  you are trying to convince us its just sex,  yet you've several times mentioned home emotional and intimate you two are. Also how you would like him to be more consistent with communicating and feelings.

These situations are all common, you're just another cheating wife thinking that you are reinventing the wheel with a unique twist.  Nope. Your cheating and have no interest in stopping everything else is putting lipstick on a pig.

[glows]

Layla, is your daughter safely out of that house and away from your stepson? Do you have any other children at risk in your home? 

I think you’re yearning for a closeness and intimacy that he has in his family that you may not have in yours. 

 

[Newby1234]

40 minutes ago, glows said:

Layla, is your daughter safely out of that house and away from your stepson? Do you have any other children at risk in your home? 

I think you’re yearning for a closeness and intimacy that he has in his family that you may not have in yours. 

 

They all are now grown and doing well. It has been years now, but never away from them. Or any of us.  

I am yearning, just didn't realize how deep.  What he has or not is really unknown, but my marriage and family had that prior to that explosion of events.  It created many voids. 

[LynneVicious]

I think with what you have shared, that having an affair is about the worst thing you could do right now. Is sex worth the heartbreak your husband would have if he finds out? That would be ptsd x 100. Being betrayed is traumatic. Trauma that takes years to work through. 

You love your husband. Good sex with another woman’s husband is not worth the pain this would bring to your husband. 

Have you thought about asking your husband to open up your marriage?

[Newby1234]

19 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

I think with what you have shared, that having an affair is about the worst thing you could do right now. Is sex worth the heartbreak your husband would have if he finds out? That would be ptsd x 100. Being betrayed is traumatic. Trauma that takes years to work through. 

You love your husband. Good sex with another woman’s husband is not worth the pain this would bring to your husband. 

Have you thought about asking your husband to open up your marriage?

Agree on that.  I have thought about it,  but haven't been brave enough to do so. There's been no good decision here from my end with this situation.  

[Newby1234]

9 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

look, I'm sorry, but this is  is just about the most ridiculous statement  have read on here in a long time.
You don't sound like a mean or cruel person, but this " I wouldn't want to have pain"' while you're sleeping with her husband is pretty silly. I know you don't mean it to be but it is. Don't believe me? Try picturing her standing in front of you and saying "I didn't mean to upset you, but i wanted good sex my husband wasn't giving me what I wanted so I got it from yours, but don't be hurt, it's just sex and nothing more"

Think she's just brush it off with a smile or would it wound her to her core?

I see how this provokes your reaction, not how it was intended at all.  Shared that elsewhere. But do appreciate your reply.  

[Newby1234]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I hear that, but why not find a single man with whom you can become FWB? There are lots of men out there who would gladly take you up on that offer - no need to settle on another woman’s husband. Respectfully, that’s where you lose any kind of credibility… You have suffered and you are dealing with grief and loss - but in working through that trauma/confusion/pain, there are other choices that could be made. If you don’t want the woman to feel pain then don’t hurt her - you need to make a different decision.

Absolutely correct.  Why I'm here, reality check!  Not a thoughtful consideration to who was chosen by myself.  

[glows]

16 hours ago, Layla19455 said:

They all are now grown and doing well. It has been years now, but never away from them. Or any of us.  

I am yearning, just didn't realize how deep.  What he has or not is really unknown, but my marriage and family had that prior to that explosion of events.  It created many voids. 

I don't see how you can look at your husband or your stepson the same way again. I know you are struggling to see him (your husband) in a different way but are running up against brick wall upon brick wall. He also has health issues so leaving him when he's down appears selfish so you're choosing between the lesser of two evils which seems to be (to you) having an affair. It's a good escape for awhile and a reprieve from the loss and pain at home that has never recovered or healed. I  strongly suggest you stop seeing this man and find a solution to the ailing marriage. If your kids have grown and left, what's stopping you from starting your life over? You mentioned you don't want to consider it and it's not something you're interested in. 

Sometimes breaking apart and daring to ask why of those thoughts in the first place uncovers new possibilities.