Just for attention?

[Hibee]

My girlfriend went to another cityfor a weekend out with her friends on Friday/Saturday. Late on Saturday night I went to message her on Whatsapp and noticed she'd just changed her profile picture on there from me and her, to her and one of her friends (not a friend she was out with, it was an old photo). So...even though I've never had any reason to doubt her (we've been together about 3 years), or not trust her, that set some alarm bells ringing for me. You do that if you're giving someone your number and don't want them to know you have a partner, right?

When she got back, I did something I always told myself I'd never do, I looked at her phone. Turns out I was right. She'd got some guys number. They'd messaged, but not much, nothing suspicious. However, he tried to call her at 2-30am. She missed his call, messaged him asking why he'd try to call, then she tried to call him back twice...at almost 3am. He didn't answer so then she tried to phone me!  

She claims it was simply a case of her wanting/needing some attention, claiming she's not been getting it from me (which just isn't true). She says she's sorry, that it was a mistake, that it didn't/doesn't mean anything. That she was drunk.

But she was sly about it. She was sober enough, and thinking enough, to remove the photo of me from Whatsapp. That's not just a little "I didn't realise what was happening" moment!

Plus, she called the guy. Twice. At 3am. Why? She says "just to get more compliments on the phone". I'm really struggling with this. That's not why guys/girls call each other at 3am. Not in my head. 

This is cheating isn't it. Regardless of what she did or didn't do with the guy. Am I overreacting?

She's adamant that nothing happened at all. It was just flirting, and compliments. Even if that were true, I feel like I don't trust her now. It's still raw, but I'm questioning everything in my head. Other times shes been away with her friends, has she done the same. Is this just the first time she's been caught?

I checked her phone...I hate that so much. I knew something was up, but I hate that I've become that guy now. It's really bothering me.

I've got too much pride, I'm fighting with it just now. I've always said I'd have zero tolerance for any kind of cheating.

If I believe she's sorry, that it was just a mistake - if I take that and move forward in the relationship, am I just making it look like it's ok? Am I in effect saying that she can basically do what she wants, and there's no consequences? If I do try to move forward, and it happens again, I'm not sure I would trust anyone in any future relationship. If I end things now, I'm going to be devastated to. I love her. 

[Hibee]

Another thing is - early on in our relationship, back in the discussing boundaries stage, we had a conversation about cheating. She said that the thinking, planning, etc was worse than the act. We disagreed on that.  

I say doing something is a million times worse. She says it's the thought, that's worse. As you could do something and it be a mistake but if you're thinking/planning doing it, then that's the worst. 

Now she's been caught doing just that.

[glows]

Without trust a relationship isn’t functional. You’re already out of your mind second guessing yourself and trying to wrap your mind around the lies and dysfunction. You’ve been together for three years. Can you imagine 30? Or a lifetime of second guessing? 

[La.Primavera]

Her behavior seems very calculated to me, and yes, I would consider it cheating (others may not).  If this guy had been awake I think we all have a pretty good idea what would have happened.   Contacting you after the fact seems doubly insulting and deliberate.  Besides, you don't know what they were up to earlier that night.  At minimum there was a vibe or physical interaction.    

I can't even pretend to give her the benefit of the doubt based on what you have shared.   I couldn't and wouldn't want to be with someone capable of this behavior.  The lack of trust and resentment over the betrayal is not something I could let go of.  I guess you'll have to weigh that up for yourself.

[BlueEyesOnMaui]

I understand that you love her but these are the actions of a woman who does not respect you or what she has with you. If I had found love with someone would I jeopardize it with careless and hurtful actions like flirting and handing out my digits ? Hell no. This is a massive and I mean massive red flag. Love can be blind but seriously think about the future. What if you ended up making a child with this person? In the future could you trust her not to destroy your heart and break up your home ?  

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Hibee said:

I checked her phone...I hate that so much. I knew something was up, but I hate that I've become that guy now. It's really bothering me

Or is it bothering you more that she has become that girl?

Look, in light of the cirucmstances, her behaviour is a lot more egregious than yours. She is crossing serious boundaries and my guess is that she lied to this other guy about being single, too. Why else change her profile picture with you as soon as she started communicating with him? 

This was not a mistake. It was a calculated risk on her part. She was cognizant enough to give out her number, change her picture to hide evidence of you, and try to communicate with him in the wee hours. That is more than wanting attention. That all demonstrates intent, in my opinion. What would have happened if they hadn't missed each other's calls that night?

I personally think you need to sit down really re-consider staying with her. She is clearly checking out of your relationship and looking around for other men. For me, that would be a deal-breaker. After 3 years, she sounds like she's ready to move on and didn't bother letting you know about it first. The trust is gone and her interest in you is not where it should be anymore. If she had any respect for you, she wouldn't be passing out her number to a random dude she met on a night out. I think it's over, sorry to say. 

[Caauug]

On 7/26/2021 at 10:48 AM, Hibee said:

Turns out I was right. She'd got some guys number. They'd messaged, but not much, nothing suspicious. However, he tried to call her at 2-30am. She missed his call, messaged him asking why he'd try to call, then she tried to call him back twice...at almost 3am. He didn't answer

Ya, she she met him at a club and he has the same interest in needle point and she just wanted to clear up the top tips on the new stiches he was describing.... It was his needle doing her stiches she was interested in...

I have read a really good article (I can't find it now... ) on why women (likely applies to men also) cheat on vacation. It boils down to when the SO agrees to a separate vacation, a "Hall Pass" is applied at the same time by the one going on vacation.... Strange town, no one knows you, no one to tell tales and ruin status when you get home....  What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas??? Take that how you want.

On 7/26/2021 at 10:48 AM, Hibee said:

She claims it was simply a case of her wanting/needing some attention, claiming she's not been getting it from me (which just isn't true). She says she's sorry, that it was a mistake, that it didn't/doesn't mean anything. That she was drunk.

Ya gotta love this: It's your fault she's collecting other guys numbers!!!! What else is she collecting (are the guys giving her to keep)? And it's everyone or everything else's excuses for her bad behavior.... How about she takes responsibility for her own bad behavior? Nope, because she was drunk....

On 7/26/2021 at 10:48 AM, Hibee said:

I checked her phone...I hate that so much. I knew something was up, but I hate that I've become that guy now. It's really bothering me.

Don't feel bad.... Just think, a few years down the track.... Big white wedding, 2.5 kids later and you find out they are not your kids and the courts award her everything you have worked for because she now wants Chad as her love toy/boy, after all he is the father of your two sons.... Think it doesn't happen, think again!!! Never regret finding the truth...

On 7/26/2021 at 10:48 AM, Hibee said:

If I believe she's sorry, that it was just a mistake - if I take that and move forward in the relationship, am I just making it look like it's ok? Am I in effect saying that she can basically do what she wants, and there's no consequences? If I do try to move forward, and it happens again, I'm not sure I would trust anyone in any future relationship.

 Stephen King: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me....

And another good saying: You teach people how to treat you by what you allow... You really need to get a grasp on these two quotes....

On 7/26/2021 at 10:52 AM, Hibee said:

I say doing something is a million times worse. She says it's the thought, that's worse. As you could do something and it be a mistake but if you're thinking/planning doing it, then that's the worst. 

Nice, discredit your boundaries for her own... It doesn't matter really, to her, it was unplanned and expressed to you as a mistake. Any other actions were cover up as to not "Hurt your feelings"..... Remember she is protecting you from the truth for your best interest.

On 7/26/2021 at 10:48 AM, Hibee said:

If I end things now, I'm going to be devastated to. I love her. 

No, you are afraid to be alone. Being truly alone is where you are the strongest.... 

[Alpacalia]

On 7/25/2021 at 7:59 PM, glows said:

Without trust a relationship isn’t functional. You’re already out of your mind second guessing yourself and trying to wrap your mind around the lies and dysfunction. You’ve been together for three years. Can you imagine 30? Or a lifetime of second guessing? 

Agree.

This type of behavior is simply not conducive to a successful relationship.

Remember, she wasn't entirely truthful with you about it. She tried to conceal it.

This could be a sign that the relationship is fading.