downcydeguy Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 I touched on this topic in another post and was interested in the response it got, so I wanted to get feedback from all of you. My take on "closure" is that it's necessary to close that chapter of life. When my first g/f of 7 years left me, there was zero contact for 2 years. She had moved away with another guy the day she left me. I was devastated to say the least! However, the most painful part was never getting the whole story on why. She said she was no longer in love with me and had to start a new life for herself. She was very cold and offered no more than that. I didn't know she was leaving with another man either. I found that out 6 months later. Anyway, I ran into her at a store back in our hometown 2 years later. It was beyond awkward to say the least! After the "hello, how have you beens", I asked her if she would give me a few minutes of her time. We talked for about an hour standing in that parking lot. I had been a complete wreck up to this point. I hadn't dated anybody or had any desire to do so. I was very bitter and not a very happy person in general. However, after our convo, I felt reborn. Chapter closed. That was 4 years ago and unfortunately I'm right back in that position of unknowing because of my recent loss. She's in Spain till Christmas so maybe by then she'll be able to talk with me face to face. I'm just very interested in hearing about everybody's opinion on closure and why you think the way you do. Reading and writing to these posts has been absolutely amazing in the therapeutic department already and I thank you all. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 Closure is what you give yourself. You will have to generate the answers to your questions yourself. Sometimes interaction with the ex might be beneficial for that, but by no means it is necessary. If people are moving away, or you were involved involved in a LDR - you might never see that person again, and you will have to give closure to yourself. Sometimes there is nothing to clear up, other to affirm that he / she was confused. Or circumstances were not right. Or that the relationship could not work, because of too different desires or personalities. And depending on the length of the relationship to wonder whether you fell in love with the person, or with the idea of the person. Et cetera. Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted October 19, 2005 Share Posted October 19, 2005 Closure is good if you are not second guessing everything your ex says is true.I was left suddenly and my ex lied about things or denied things to the point where if she tells me the truth I won't believe it anyway.So I think the moment you start no contact for good is the moment you get closure and can move on. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted October 19, 2005 Share Posted October 19, 2005 IMHO, "closure" is a term that's become quite fashionable in the self-help aisle of the bookstore or the library, but it doesn't really exist. It's a mythical state of being. At the end of any relationship, there will be a time of grief. That's to be expected, and is normal and healthy. But eventually, given time and healing, the grief will diminish. It may never go away entirely - especially if it involves the death of a loved one - but one manages to work with it, and around it, and through it. Proponents of "closure" seem to be suffering from the delusion that once you've reached that state, then there is no residual grief. It's simply not true. Link to post Share on other sites
wahaha1 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I think closure is a declaration of entering a new state. When you announce a closure, means that you have made up your mind to move on, no matter the process is painful or not. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I think 3 things make you move on: 1. The awareness that there is no hope for the two of you; 2. Time; 3. Realizing that your ex was not right for you and /or huge disappointment in his or her personality. You can't move on if you still have hopes for the one you're in love with. My ex-husband kept leaving me and lying to me that he loved me. Once he spilled it out "I don't love", I TRIED to move on and later I succeeded. Up to that point I was squirming in false hopes. What you consider to be a closure is individual. For me it was the statement that he didn't love me. But it didn't light the bulb in my head. That night was a regular one for me, I didn't consider it enlightening. It just created a different path for my feelings to develop (fade away in this case). Except for removing false hopes, I don't think closure is doing something significant. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 My take on "closure" is that it's necessary to close that chapter of life. You forget one item DOWNCYDEGUY....if there is no "closure" then your brain can make up whatever ending it wants to, and actually believe it!... Link to post Share on other sites
off2sea Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I think there is some merit to the closure issue. Last Christmas I was simply stood up for long made plans to attend a holiday party. She was a no-call,no-show and refused to take my calls for the two days after that I tried. Once I realized she wasn't in a ditch somewhere, I had unbelievable feelings of anger and disbelief. To this day, 11 months later, I still have no idea what happened. Part of me still really wants to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author downcydeguy Posted November 3, 2005 Author Share Posted November 3, 2005 I guess I'm lookin' for an explanation of some sort. Everything was great till 2 months after she left for Spain. She's only gonna be there till Christmas. Why would she end it while 1000 miles away unless she's a coward and/or something happened? Not knowing is killing me. My closure will come when she tells me why she did it. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 You forget one item DOWNCYDEGUY....if there is no "closure" then your brain can make up whatever ending it wants to, and actually believe it!... Strike me down with 12 straws, I'm finding myself agreeing with Mr Male. I read a book on neurolinguistic programming that recommends this very thing. If you don't like the way things ended, then just rewrite the whole thing in your mind and make sure the ending is in your favour. Then refer to that version whenever your mind feels like replaying events. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 I read a book on neurolinguistic programming that recommends this very thing. If you don't like the way things ended, then just rewrite the whole thing in your mind and make sure the ending is in your favour. Then refer to that version whenever your mind feels like replaying events. The only problem with that is, if you are a pathological liar, or someone who does not have a problem to abuse persons time and again, you use the same strategy. And you still do not address your own issues that may have contributed to the end of the relationships. Talking with the exes (done by the new partner) about the relationships in the past helps to clear things up. And if there is a gross mismatch, I would still see that as an indication that I should not be / get involved with the person who misrepresents the past in such a fashion. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 The only problem with that is, if you are a pathological liar, or someone who does not have a problem to abuse persons time and again, you use the same strategy. And you still do not address your own issues that may have contributed to the end of the relationships. True....but pathological liars, abusers and the generally deluded probably don't read books about neurolinguistic programming anyway - on account of feeling so fabulously well sorted already, and being able to attribute the blame for all their problems to other people Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Well, I believe closure exists, but that when it happens it's so natural you wouldn't notice it. You might experience something and realize you have attained closure already, but there isn't any experience that will cause closure. There is no conversation that suddenly erases the hurt permanently. That's what I think, but people I know who said they needed closure apparently really meant that they needed to have sex, try to get back together again and get rejected all over again. Unless you were broken up with without any conversation about why, etc, what is another conversation going to do? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 That's what I think, but people I know who said they needed closure apparently really meant that they needed to have sex, try to get back together again and get rejected all over again. closure is way over-rated MAGDA....and we'll all get final closure on our death beds Link to post Share on other sites
sundrop Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 closure is way over-rated : I agree with Alpha on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Wow, I don't. To get through something - Either the end of relationship, or death one MUST have closure. Things settled, some questions answered. There are times we don't get that closure so the only way to deal with it is complete acceptance and not allowing yourself to open that door, ever. IT makes life easier to have closure though. So, you and ALPHAMALE are lucky then. Maybe closure isn't a big deal and doesn't come into play in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 To get through something - Either the end of relationship, or death one MUST have closure. Things settled, some questions answered. I'm of the mind that true closure is realizing that the answers to those questions doesn't even matter. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 I'm of the mind that true closure is realizing that the answers to those questions doesn't even matter. or that whatever answer(s) your mind creates is acceptable... Link to post Share on other sites
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