Can moving into separate apartments save a relationship?

[heavenonearth]

If you have been together for 7 years, living together for 6 years, and your relationship/marriage is stagnating (no passion left), can getting separate apartments help reignite some of that passion that is lost? Can it change the dynamic?

I wonder if it is possible or if it is just a way of giving up.

Anybody have experience with this?

[bene]

I don’t know the circumstances but to me it seems like a stepping stone to the break-up if you’re not ready to take the decision at once.

[d0nnivain]

Nope.  If you can't hold it together inside one apartment, separating makes it all worse because now it's a chore to get together.  

Better remedy:  think about what you want, what you need to make it work, what's missing.  Be specific.  You can't say things like I want more excitement.  What does that mean?  Do you want to go skydiving together, try a new position in bed?  Do you want your partner to lose weight, no longer wear sweats around the house?  Get your partner to make a similar wish list.  Then you both have to actively work at making the changes.  Your focus has to be on giving your partner what they want, not what you want. It will get fixed if that work is mutual.  

[mark clemson]

I think there are probably some relationships out there that separate apartments would help. There are in fact "Living Apart Together" folks out there who prefer this "lifestyle".

However, I DON'T think it's a particularly good cure for what you describe if you're not a LAT type generally. As pointed out, it sounds like it would be more like one step in a sort of slow fade breakup.

 

13 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

 your relationship/marriage is stagnating (no passion left)

[heavenonearth]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Nope.  If you can't hold it together inside one apartment, separating makes it all worse because now it's a chore to get together.  

Better remedy:  think about what you want, what you need to make it work, what's missing.  Be specific.  You can't say things like I want more excitement.  What does that mean?  Do you want to go skydiving together, try a new position in bed?  Do you want your partner to lose weight, no longer wear sweats around the house?  Get your partner to make a similar wish list.  Then you both have to actively work at making the changes.  Your focus has to be on giving your partner what they want, not what you want. It will get fixed if that work is mutual.  

I guess if one person wants to put work into it and the other person doesn't, that would be the problem.

However, the person who doesnt want to put the work into it actually wants to save the marriage too, just is stuck in the pattern/bubble of feeling too comfortable and is also struggling with depression.

I feel personally getting separate apartments is a great idea. It is the only way to mix things up if they are too stagnating. If the biggest problem in the relationship is that both people have lost their individuality, wouldnt it make sense to reclaim that in the most drastic way possible???

[d0nnivain]

It makes sense to reclaim your individuality but you should be able to do that & still co-habitat.  Treat yourself to new clothes.  Hang out with friends more.  Take a long weekend away with friends.  Pursue a new hobby.   Don't move.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

I feel personally getting separate apartments is a great idea.

Agree. But not to "reignite" anything. Just to get a break from a wilting, withering situation in general and set yourself free from that.

[Lotsgoingon]

Separating may ease some of the pain of the relationship not working for the unhappy partner. But living apart doesn't improve things.

Now if the unhappy partner wants to send a signal to the other partner to get their act together and if the unhappy partner wants a breather (and time alone to think) before making one last attempt at fixing things, sure separating buys time, maybe. A big "maybe." 

It's still likely the couple will spend a lot of time at one of their places and it's likely going to be at the place of the higher-functioning person. So the couple could just end up back at square one. 

 

[Pumpernickel]

It’s very often suggested by the unhappy partner under the disguise of fixing things. Making the RL more exciting. Getting rid of the daily grind, etc. BUT - if suggested, the unhappy partner already has a foot out of the relationship door, so to speak. They just don’t want to break up just yet, either because they’re unsure or because they don’t want to be the bad guy. Or they want a little taste of freedom which often involves dating other people in secret. So - Moving out in order to fix things? No. Probably not gonna work. A different thing is if one partner has to move away for work or similar stuff like that. Then it’s merely a logistical issue, but to use it as a remedy to save a marriage or a long-term relationship - I’m convinced that’s gonna fail. 

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

I feel personally getting separate apartments is a great idea. It is the only way to mix things up if they are too stagnating.

Hmm. Respectfully, I think this is very far from the truth. You think when a typical couple goes to a sex therapist with this complaint, the first suggestion out of the sex therapist's mouth is separate apartments? Really?

If this is your relationship under discussion and you feel it's "dry", etc - why not go to an experienced sex therapist and see what they have to say. If you really want to try to make it work, I think you should try that long before you get to separate apartments. Honestly, the separate apartments thing feels like a "Hail Mary" effort.

Edited July 27, 2021 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

There is a movement for relationship partners/spouses to have separate residences. I have known couples who have done this - usually later in life. There are those that argue that the relationships are healthier, because both partners have their own space and don’t squabble over daily living frustrations. There are many articles online discussing the pros and cons of such a decision. 

That said, having lived this way for several years, it takes a toll. Going back and forth, dealing with feelings of loneliness… it wasn’t a long term solution for me. 

Edited July 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[heavenonearth]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

There is a movement for relationship partners/spouses to have separate residences. I have known couples who have done this - usually later in life. There are those that argue that the relationships are healthier, because both partners have their own space and don’t squabble over daily living frustrations. There are many articles online discussing the pros and cons of such a decision. 

That said, having lived this way for several years, it takes a toll. Going back and forth, dealing with feelings of loneliness… it wasn’t a long term solution for me. 

I also think there is no need to cohabitate unless you have children. I would hate to lose my independence and individuality by moving into a place with my partner. That being said, the couple in question really loves each other, but there is no passion left. They already opened up the relationship and have fooled around with other people only to always come back to each other. But there are so many underlying issues that have not been addressed for years. And instead they just stayed in their bubble and became comfortable with the uncomfortable. I could not imagine a more unsatisfying situation. I suggested to my friend to get her own place and now that is what she is doing. I feel if it is meant to be, they will work it out, but if not, at least she has a good base to start over on her own. She is really afraid of being alone/lonely, and I feel it would make very little sense to stay living together just for that reason.

[Caauug]

On 7/27/2021 at 10:07 AM, heavenonearth said:

can getting separate apartments help reignite some of that passion that is lost? Can it change the dynamic?

Separation never solved anything in a R except to separate...

"Absence Makes the heart grow fonder" lies, if left long enough.... FIFO mining has proven this totally false...

Passion is connected to attraction.... nothing to do with proximity...

[heavenonearth]

1 hour ago, Caauug said:

Separation never solved anything in a R except to separate...

"Absence Makes the heart grow fonder" lies, if left long enough.... FIFO mining has proven this totally false...

Passion is connected to attraction.... nothing to do with proximity...

I agree that if passion has never truly been there, then you cannot get it after 7 years either. I think perhaps she already knows they are better off as friends but is still afraid of being alone.

[xxcazaxx]

I lived with my ex of 10 years.  Relationship was getting stale.  I moved out for a new job and it was absolutely route to the end of the relationship.  I moved about an hour and 10 mins away for a new job.  He ended up wanting to play rugby at the weekend which reduced the amount of time that we had to spend together plus I work shifts so wouldn't be free some weekends (which was when he was off work).  I definitely wouldn't recommend it as a way of improving a relationship, sorry

[Blind-Sided]

Anything is possible... but how are you supposed to "Work" on anything when you aren't together?   Moving into your own place will make it easier to ignore the person who you are no longer interested in... and to find someone new.

IMHO... it's just a way of softening the blow to yourself.  If you are at the stage where you are going to move out... then it's time to just break it off. 

[glows]

On 7/28/2021 at 10:00 AM, heavenonearth said:

I agree that if passion has never truly been there, then you cannot get it after 7 years either. I think perhaps she already knows they are better off as friends but is still afraid of being alone.

It sounds like you hit the nail on the head here. You encouraged her to leave an unhappy relationship where she felt loneliness was insurmountable and unbearable.

If she's not happy in that relationship or is living in denial about the romance being non-existent, then this is a good thing that she is leaving. I think it is false to believe that it can save a relationship especially if the other party disagrees with the break up. In other words, her boyfriend/partner/husband should consider it over and move on with his life (not wait around until your friend decides she wants to return).