Reassurance.

[Woolums86]

I called off an A with my MM. We agreed being friends would work, but I eventually found it to be a bit hard on me mentally. I told him I needed space. He didnt respond. We ended up talking about some work related issues on Friday. At that time, he stated "I don't really like this new law you have put into effect, can we please go back to the consistent talking as friends that we did 2 weeks ago and forget the last week and a half ever happened?" I of course, caved because I always cherished the friendship we had. Well, now, it's Tuesday and I have heard nothing from him.. so was it a power trip to end things on his terms? I feel as if I was played. I suppose my question is, and I'm looking for more reassurance, that if a man wants to talk to you, he will reach out to me, right? I shouldn't care, nor should I initiate and worry that he's mad at me for something? Although, i know I have done nothing wrong, I feel the need to reach out to be sure.. IDK, this just sucks, I felt empowered and like I was actually moving on from the 3 year push and pull A that was going on and now I feel like a fool, but we've kind of done this before.. I just didn't think he'd ghost me and I sincerely thought he really wanted me to be in his life as a friend.... He would be calling me IF HE WANTED TO right?

Edited July 27, 2021 by Woolums86
Typos

[Theeisor]

I have been dealing with almost the same situation. I have been involved with a MM for too long and the push pull is what always hooked me in. This last time we were taking a break and he gives me the signal he wants to talk and I reply and then crickets. I realized that all he was looking for was to see if I would reply and it upset me very much. I’ve spent so much time and energy blaming myself for feeling needy because he would take forever in replying. I’ve learned to do the same to him but really, in the end, they’re just games. 
If I were you, I wouldn’t reach out at all. If you feel it’s him trying to gain the control, just let him have it. You’ll feel much better that you didn’t. It’s exhausting to keep trying to play their game. 

[Crazelnut]

My dear, you know deep down that you cannot be friends. Look what a few days of "friendship" have done to your emotional and mental state! Of course he was pulling a power play. He was unhappy that you had the gall to completely tap out, so he got you to cave ... again. And now you have the opportunity to learn a valuable lesson. 

Go back to the No Friendship rule and stick to it. It's the only way to get on an even keel. 

[Vivalavi]

I feel your pain. I have no experience with days of silence, but MM I was involved with would take hours and hours to reply. The worst was when he left me on open. He knew how frustrating it was to me, yet he did it. Not too often but often enough to question my sanity. I always felt it was a power game for him. He likes control just like yours. While we are being tortured with our own thoughts and questions. At the beginning, I would double text and ask if everything is okay. Now, I just wait even though it's very hard.

You did great to go into NC, but his ego couldn't take it. Once you showed him he still has you, he was satisfied. So unfair to you! 

 

[Theeisor]

5 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I feel your pain. I have no experience with days of silence, but MM I was involved with would take hours and hours to reply. The worst was when he left me on open. He knew how frustrating it was to me, yet he did it. Not too often but often enough to question my sanity. I always felt it was a power game for him. He likes control just like yours. While we are being tortured with our own thoughts and questions. At the beginning, I would double text and ask if everything is okay. Now, I just wait even though it's very hard.

You did great to go into NC, but his ego couldn't take it. Once you showed him he still has you, he was satisfied. So unfair to you! 

 

Yup. It was a dick move on his part and I actually told him to never contact me again. He apologized and I accepted but I quickly ended things for good (hopefully). He didn’t like that either and replied with a cold response. It’s ok. I was nice and cordial with my goodbye because I would have felt worse if I wasn’t. Never in a million years would I have the nerve to do that to him just to see if he would reply. As much as it hurts, it says a lot about him and helps in taking him down off that pedestal. 

[Woolums86]

13 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I feel your pain. I have no experience with days of silence, but MM I was involved with would take hours and hours to reply. The worst was when he left me on open. He knew how frustrating it was to me, yet he did it. Not too often but often enough to question my sanity. I always felt it was a power game for him. He likes control just like yours. While we are being tortured with our own thoughts and questions. At the beginning, I would double text and ask if everything is okay. Now, I just wait even though it's very hard.

You did great to go into NC, but his ego couldn't take it. Once you showed him he still has you, he was satisfied. So unfair to you! 

 

Yeah, I think thats exactly it, I think he couldnt stand that *I* ended it so then *HE* needed to end it. It's just super sad, because I really thought we were friends, like I meant something to him, so it's extremely disheartening to me. 

[Theeisor]

Hang in there and stay distracted somehow! You’ll be happy that you didn’t follow up as time progresses. Stay strong. 

[Theeisor]

4 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Yup. It was a dick move on his part and I actually told him to never contact me again. He apologized and I accepted but I quickly ended things for good (hopefully). He didn’t like that either and replied with a cold response. It’s ok. I was nice and cordial with my goodbye because I would have felt worse if I wasn’t. Never in a million years would I have the nerve to do that to him just to see if he would reply. As much as it hurts, it says a lot about him and helps in taking him down off that pedestal. 

Sorry. I thought that was a reply to me but it’s all the same 🙂

[Vivalavi]

1 minute ago, Woolums86 said:

Yeah, I think thats exactly it, I think he couldnt stand that *I* ended it so then *HE* needed to end it. It's just super sad, because I really thought we were friends, like I meant something to him, so it's extremely disheartening to me. 

The thing is - we think with our hearts. We would not do this or that because we treat them the way we want to be treated. We don't understand how someone can be so cold. It's sure is very disheartening. The feeling that he doesn't have decency to treat you as a friend is painful, but says a lot about him! Keep that in your mind. I was told on this forum over and over again - if a guy was treating your friend/sister/daughter this way, what would you advice her? Would you want her to suffer like this?

[Vivalavi]

3 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Sorry. I thought that was a reply to me but it’s all the same 🙂

We all are in the same boat! Just a different man. Similar painful experience, similar push pull, cold hot treatments. I don't understand how someone can play this mind games on purpose and purposefully hurt other person.

[Woolums86]

Yeah, you are all right. I just wish I didn't feel so stupid for feeling so foolish enough to think he may have actually cared about me. 

[Vivalavi]

11 minutes ago, Woolums86 said:

Yeah, you are all right. I just wish I didn't feel so stupid for feeling so foolish enough to think he may have actually cared about me. 

I know this won't make it much better, but welcome to the club! 😉

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Woolums86 said:

He would be calling me IF HE WANTED TO right?

The better question to ask is, why do you want him to call you?

You tried to end the relationship because you felt the continued contact was hard and no doubt, it prevented you from moving on. 

4 hours ago, Woolums86 said:

We ended up talking about some work related issues on Friday. At that time, he stated "I don't really like this new law you have put into effect, can we please go back to the consistent talking as friends that we did 2 weeks ago and forget the last week and a half ever happened?"

In other words, I’m going to disregard your wishes and put my own needs above yours. 

Is this something that one would do if they truly loved the other and wanted the best for them? Or, is it a selfish thing for him to do? How does it feel to know that he had no respect for your feelings or your wishes? 

Edited July 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[Beentheretoooften]

I think mm actually can care after the A ends. But how they care is different.  But I also think if mm still wants to continue the PA, and OW does not, and OW just wants to remain friends, ultimately the MM is gone.  Not all the time, but I would say majority. 

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

The feeling that he doesn't have decency to treat you as a friend is painful, but says a lot about him!

It's also true that MANY if not most people have trouble staying friends with Exes (of whatever kind). It takes a LOT of emotional maturity and many people in "normal relationships" don't handle it particularly well. Even if they do stay friends, it's often at a superficial level unless one person still likes the other and becomes an orbiter.

If demonizing the xMM helps you get over it that's of course fine (and you'll get a lot of help with that on internet forums, heh), but in actuality this difficulty and/or lack of interest in staying friends after a relationship is not that different from most other people IMO.

Edited July 28, 2021 by mark clemson

[Bonifidelifelover]

7 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

We all are in the same boat! Just a different man. Similar painful experience, similar push pull, cold hot treatments. I don't understand how someone can play this mind games on purpose and purposefully hurt other person.

My MM kinda did the same in March. Wifey went away so he contacted me, I agreed to meet then he went silent on me. I was like I am  NOT gonna deal w/ this. I have been no contact since March. I’m curious I admit. But I read it time & again On these sites how MMs do this. I wasn’t gonna let it happen to me. In that conversation W/ him back in March he said he & new wifey we’re gonna try to make a baby, yet next sentence was talking about where he wanted to meet me & all the nasty stuff. Him & I been friends since 9th grade, we r 45 now. But I just was not gonna let myself slip into the contact one minute then radio silence the next. Since we’ve been friends for so long it bothers me, but I thought it was best I remove myself from the equation before I got really hurt. 

[Luna66star]

I agree that MM get nostalgic after you're gone.  They reminisce about the good times we shared.  I ran into mine 6 mos later on the street.  He seemed super, super happy to see me.  He even texted the next 2 days non stop.  I was reluctant but kept replying due to our history together.

Guess what?  After 2 days of texting, cute emojis, he never replied back, and vanished!

I think it's normal for most people to remember exes.  I don't equate that necessarily with MM caring.  We're a memory that pops up every now and then 

 

 

 

[Bonifidelifelover]

10 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

I agree that MM get nostalgic after you're gone.  They reminisce about the good times we shared.  I ran into mine 6 mos later on the street.  He seemed super, super happy to see me.  He even texted the next 2 days non stop.  I was reluctant but kept replying due to our history together.

Guess what?  After 2 days of texting, cute emojis, he never replied back, and vanished!

I think it's normal for most people to remember exes.  I don't equate that necessarily with MM caring.  We're a memory that pops up every now and then 

 

 

 

I definitely think it’s hard to wipe certain people away entirely. So I agree occasional thoughts. People can think of u but still stay away 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Woolums86 said:

I sincerely thought he really wanted me to be in his life as a friend

This is just not realistic. Exes can rarely be friends right after a break-up, but you're dealing with a man who is married. There is no way you can or should stay friends. 

12 hours ago, Woolums86 said:

He would be calling me IF HE WANTED TO right?

Yep. You would be hearing from him if he wanted to speak to you. 

 

12 hours ago, Woolums86 said:

he stated "I don't really like this new law you have put into effect, can we please go back to the consistent talking as friends that we did 2 weeks ago and forget the last week and a half ever happened?"

Good lord, the entitlement. That right there tells you how much he actually cares about you and your feelings. Nope, it's all about him and what he wants. If he geninely cared, he wouldn't he even proposition doing something he knows is hard for you. 

But honestly? That should come as no surprise, really. This is a man who's been taking a giant dump all over his wife throughout the duration of his affair. He's not someone who is concerned about how his behaviour will hurt others. You just weren't on the receiving end of it until now, but this is who he is and who he's been the entire the time this has been going on. 

[NYAG]

11 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I feel your pain. I have no experience with days of silence, but MM I was involved with would take hours and hours to reply. The worst was when he left me on open. He knew how frustrating it was to me, yet he did it. Not too often but often enough to question my sanity. I always felt it was a power game for him. He likes control just like yours. While we are being tortured with our own thoughts and questions. At the beginning, I would double text and ask if everything is okay. Now, I just wait even though it's very hard.

You did great to go into NC, but his ego couldn't take it. Once you showed him he still has you, he was satisfied. So unfair to you! 

 

I have a friend who that happened to with an MM. It was all a power game. And he always won.

[NYAG]

13 hours ago, Woolums86 said:

I called off an A with my MM. We agreed being friends would work, but I eventually found it to be a bit hard on me mentally. I told him I needed space. He didnt respond. We ended up talking about some work related issues on Friday. At that time, he stated "I don't really like this new law you have put into effect, can we please go back to the consistent talking as friends that we did 2 weeks ago and forget the last week and a half ever happened?" I of course, caved because I always cherished the friendship we had. Well, now, it's Tuesday and I have heard nothing from him.. so was it a power trip to end things on his terms? I feel as if I was played. I suppose my question is, and I'm looking for more reassurance, that if a man wants to talk to you, he will reach out to me, right? I shouldn't care, nor should I initiate and worry that he's mad at me for something? Although, i know I have done nothing wrong, I feel the need to reach out to be sure.. IDK, this just sucks, I felt empowered and like I was actually moving on from the 3 year push and pull A that was going on and now I feel like a fool, but we've kind of done this before.. I just didn't think he'd ghost me and I sincerely thought he really wanted me to be in his life as a friend.... He would be calling me IF HE WANTED TO right?

Yes. If they want you, you'll know. If they are playing a power game, you will know. If they are not interested you will know. You have already answered your own question here. They are not complicated creatures. We just try to read more into their actions, when we should be taking their actions at base level.

[Donnas]

When you wanna stop its best to fully stop. No friendships or anything.

Just block and move on .

Affairs are not right. Its someones else relationship you are in middle of. Rather they separated or no.

And you will always get hurt because its not a normal situation. But one you know will end someday.

Beside this guy used you . Why you wanna even be freinds? Get a lesson out of this and move on so you are sure its over and there wont be no will he, may he...

 

[Vivalavi]

On 7/27/2021 at 3:02 PM, Woolums86 said:

Yeah, you are all right. I just wish I didn't feel so stupid for feeling so foolish enough to think he may have actually cared about me. 

Is there any update to your story?

[glows]

On 7/27/2021 at 11:03 AM, Woolums86 said:

I suppose my question is, and I'm looking for more reassurance, that if a man wants to talk to you, he will reach out to me, right? 

The answer is always yes. 

It may be likely he's busy with his married life. This affair is something to strongly reconsider if you're thrown by this so painfully. That he responds or doesn't respond matters a great deal to you and it hurts you when he isn't what you expect him to be. It's an indicator that you're looking for more out of this arrangement and you're unhappy. Pay attention to this if you need to re-evaluate what matters, what you want overall out of life and your relationships.

[Mia Green 1985]

I kind of feel the same way here!! Mine just kind of stopped calling when he said he would, and he just hasnt initiated any contact. He will answer when I call, but it makes me feel as if I am being more less 'humoured'.

Hes always so sweet and nice to me, 'I did mean to reach out sooner", I owe you an explanation why I havent called", yada yada, yet doesnt make anymore effort.. so I guess that means he doesnt really care  It hurts.