Yet another "Not sure what to do" thread...

[Not_Over]

Hi all, (new here)

 

I ran acrossed this site while I sit here looking for some moral support

and a "truthfull" out look on things. ( Seems to me that a fresh voice

that doesnt hesitate the "hurtfull" truth is better than friends simply saying"hang in there she'll be back") So I'm in search for an honest out look on my dilema, if you have a minute or 2.

 

My wife and I where ( are ) married for 11 years. 2 kids (6 and 4)

She left me 1 month ago. Due to fighting with eachother on a daily basis.

The fighting was normally about small stuff. But the truth is, I was VERY

self centered and self absorbed. I showed ZERO attention to her and about

20 percent of my preciouse time to my kids...( I know now that's bad stuff, try to keep the flames to a low ) The rest of my time was spent working,pc, and video games....

 

Here's the current scoop on things,

 

1) She's staying at my mom's house about 2 minutes away.

 

2) I can see the kids when ever I want ( with in reason of course.) This works out to being 1-2 a week, at 3 hour intervles. ( get to this in alittle bit)

 

3)She left alot of stuff at my (our) house. Nik-naks, kids toys ( do to storage at my mom's house)But 90 percent of her stuff is in fact gone.

 

Let me explain how the first 4 weeks have gone with us and the kids.

Weekend 1 = She and the kids met me at Mcdonalds for 1 hour. 0.5 hour to long. We ended up getting snippy to each other. Due to my un-rusting questions( "So, are you seeing anyone?") On the phone that night she said

" Next week It wont be me that brings the kids"

 

Week 2 = We ended up at McDonalds agin. This time for an 1.5. Went very nice. After we got done eating and the kids played for a little while. She said

"Lets go, I want a smoke anyway. We can hang at the car for a few minutes if ya whant." We talked nicely for a little while and I blew her a kiss.

( I shouldn't of done that, she snarld at me, must of mad her mad)

 

week 3 = This time it was Chuck E Cheese. 3 hours this time.Lots of fun.

 

Week 4 = On Friday I called her and said "Im eating dinner, after this I'm coming over to see the kids for about a half an hour. This eded up to 2.5 hours ( ooops) Then on Sat we went Bowling, Park, then holloween shopping

for the kids. All went well.

 

NOW FOR THE DELEMA: With all that one would see that we are in fact working things out ( right?) But on the phone she insists all of that was for the kids ( I think this is more half truth) If I bring up counsiling I get a HUGE "NO!" She say's we are just freinds. She is only wearing the wedding still so no one ( guys) will bother her. She's telling the kids that they will have a place of their own someday ( or soon) and the kids are happy about that. Tyhen she makes comments like " We aren't even dating yet"

 

Anyway, here I am confused,sad, regretting everything I did wrong.

Any idea what she's up to here? If you need i little more info on the back story please feel free to ask. I'm an open book now. I just want the truth..

THANKS

 

Oh ya, this Sunday we plan on going to church then something else afterward. As long as she can be home (Mom's house ) by 3 pm

[Art_Critic]

1) She's staying at my mom's house about 2 minutes away.

 

Okay ..

 

Get into Marriage Counseling ........Now..

 

 

The above quote shows me that she really isn't trying to leave . ( she is staying at your Mom's house ) ..

 

This is a warning shot over the bow of the boat..

 

She is warning you that she really will leave unless you change and fix whatever is wrong..

 

11 years is too long to throw away and the fact that she went to your Mom's house tell me that it isn't too late to fix it..

 

MC

[Not_Over]

Thank you Art,

 

I don't mean to come acrossed confusing or rude here. But I'm trying to

cover all angles here.

 

Her actions DO NOT match her words what so ever. (Very confusing indeed.)

 

I brought up Marriage Counseling to her.

 

" No, I dont need any, there is no we any more. We are just freinds, that's it"

 

And her reason for staying at my moms is because she doesn't want to take our son out of school.

 

Seems to me that she hides behind the kids to stay in contact with me for more than just buddies. ( ya know)

[Art_Critic]

Thank you Art,

 

I don't mean to come acrossed confusing or rude here. But I'm trying to

cover all angles here.

 

Her actions DO NOT match her words what so ever. (Very confusing indeed.)

 

I brought up Marriage Counseling to her.

 

" No, I dont need any, there is no we any more. We are just freinds, that's it"

 

And her reason for staying at my moms is because she doesn't want to take our son out of school.

 

Seems to me that she hides behind the kids to stay in contact with me for more than just buddies. ( ya know)

 

It seems to me that staying at YOUR MOM'S is a sign that she doesn't want to let it go yet.. I know If i wanted to leave someone I wouldn't move into their Moms house..

 

I don't think that it is over.. You have got to figure out how to get her to start communicating with you.

 

 

Why not you go to marriage Counseling and then tell her about it after you have been going and ask her to go ?

That way she will notice that you are serious about the marriage and about changing..

[Not_Over]

"I'm completely with you on this Art" and I am.

 

Here's what she say's when I try to talk with her about ANYTHING marriage related.

 

".....You keep bringing me back to it. I need you to stop and move on. I havnt had anytime to work on myself yet. With the 2 kids,work, land so on."

 

I understand that it has only been a month. She's barly had time to settle in.

I have to say that the worst part is that her actions completely don't match her words ( At All ) The week end times we spend together seem to be more of a family thing verses time spent just for the kids. But she keeps hiding behind them.( Does this mack any sence?)

 

When we are together (with the kids) we get along amazingly. She even says

stuff like " I had a really good time. Bye"

[Art_Critic]

Sounds like she is looking for some time to regain her bearings..

 

If I was her and my husband had created some problems in the marriage and he wouldn't fix them and i moved out to see if I could shake him till he fixes the problems then I would stick tight until he made an effort to change and to fix the problems.

 

Maybe one of the reasons that you can't get her to see eye to eye with you is because you haven't done anything to show her that you are serious about the marriage yet.. and also haven't shown her how much you love her..

 

By doing nothing to rectify your issues you are stiffling any chance of reconciliation..

You don't have to have her to work on yourself

[Not_Over]

Thank you so much Art.

 

You nailed it.

 

Your advice matches alot of her comments and others around my world.

 

Oh, Im sure I'll be around these parts reading and posting new news and the such.

 

But for now ( today that this:p ) I'll re-read your last statement and try and get myself to focus on my problems.

 

Oh by the way. ( I forgot to mention this)

 

The Core of the seperation was caused my me.

I had a caffiene addiction and a high sugar problem.(Not knowing why or what was causing my anger and isolation) Any biabetics or Border line diabetics know what the sugar does to a person with a terrable diet.

I have a neighbor that went through the same exact problems.

She's walking me through all of that.

 

I'll be around,

and thanks again Art

[bkz]

Why not you go to marriage Counseling and then tell her about it after you have been going and ask her to go ?

That way she will notice that you are serious about the marriage and about changing..

 

This is good advice. Let her see that your taking responsibility for yourself and making improvements/changes to you. I would back off of her and give her some space. Also resist talking about the relationship and mabye just work on yourself and the freindship for a while, that may relive some pressure off her and let her see that your trying to be there for her. Fighting, arguing or discussing the relationship at this point will just make things worse, ive let my wife initiate any relationship talk and its definatley kept her more at eas I think. I started out like you wanting to know were thing are going and asking her ?'s and even getting a bit angry with her. Since then she's even mentioned to me those things caused her to want to run!!! And made her feel very uncomfortable. Good luck, it really does seem like shes firing a warning shot to change things, you should feel greatfull to her as my wife has waited so long thing with us will be MUCH tougher than it would have a year ago.

[Art_Critic]

I know the caffeine addiction well...

Last year I blew a relationship to someone I cared about because of a short temper..

I went to a counselor and she put me on and exercise routine and had me completly remove caffeine from my diet..

I also was taking a decongestant that contributed to my short temper..

I had been drinking up to 6-7 cokes a day and carried alot of stress form work with me..

Today I'm caffeine free ( a little over 1 year ) I exercise and removed some work stress as well as the decongestant and I haven't had 1 short temper fallout since..

But it was to late for the girl.. she told me to take a hike..

[Not_Over]

But it was to late for the girl.. she told me to take a hike..

 

"Great."

 

J/K

 

Ya, I had a huge anger problem, depression, anxiety.

 

Could never pin point what my problem was till she left. Then I had a breakdown, ( short story version) after the paramedics arrived my neighbor came by and asked me to re-lax and listen. The parmedics left and she told me her story. Now I'm on B-6,b-12, and folic acid vit. and a solid diet.

 

Living off of boxed dinners then not eating for 2 days, having 15-24 cups of coffee a day along with 2 cases of pepsi a week made me a mad man...

"Who would of known...?"

[francis]

not wanting to sound arsy but i think it would definately benefit your kids to feed them with home cooked meals instead of McDonalds and Chuck E Cheese...its proven to affect their behaviour too...

[Not_Over]

100% correct.

 

Heaven knows I never learned how to cook and my wife only knew boxed

dinners.

 

I'm now learning how to cook meals from scratch and feeling full for once

in my life. Even when I was a kid, was fed the same way ( Boxed dinners)

but thats a whole story of it's own..

 

As soon as I have the kids over at the house ( wife claims she doesn't trust me enough, I think she's hiding behind the kids though, just see if Im seriouse about changing) But yes, as soon as the kids are here I will be feeding them

full meals.

 

My mood has even changed for the better after my diet was corected, I can only amagine the mood change in the kids..

[Not_Over]

Just a quick update on things...( More confused now than ever though)

Our weekly outings are still happening.

I'm starting ti realize that a quick McDonalds dinner with the kids and (wife)

are starting to seem a little stupid. Nice and all bubt a little off.

So lets see, yesterday at Micky D's, the kids where playing on the play ground, I said " I don't want to be pushy, but in a week or 2 we need to sit down and discuss what way we are going." Her eyes became red with anger.

She said we could go back to "Grandma's" ( a coffee house) and talk tonight.

I said " I'm not talking for another 3.5 hours to hear you say your my freind.

We need to decide if we're going to get help for the marriage or not.And again I don't need a answer now, just in week or 2."

 

This went on for 10 minutes. She wont give a answer to it.

" Are we getting a divorce?" I asked.

"More than likely, we will see in a year."

I took my ring off and said " I don't want this on without you. Let me know

if I can wear it again."

I called my mom that night to talk. She said I should move on.

I proceeded to explain to her all the mixed feelings I'm getting.

By the end my mom was more confused than I am.

I hope I didn't burn anything with the ring thing, but I'm starting to want

an answer here. Yes,no, lets work on it and see where it goes.

I dont care if this takes a year, but I would rather work on it than wait a year

put the kids through more just to end up together at the end.

Seems to me she's working both ends against itself. Telling one side "Its over"

Telling me " Lets see in a year."

 

One more thing that really bothered me...( I'll make it quick for ya)

I said " I dont know what your doing. Im not asking anything."

Her " See, right there, you still don't even trust me."

If we are working on trust ( marriage stuff) then lets work on it. If it takes a year, fine, but lets get a direction here.

( To pushy ya think?)

 

Thanks all.

[dgiirl]

Are you in individual counselling yet? I think it can benefit you a lot. Most people figure that there's no point in going unless the other wants to go too. Unfortunately that gives the message that you're not going to bother unless there's something in it for you. However, if you go into IC by yourself without telling her at first, then after atleast a few sessions, when you mention it to her, she'll think "Wow, he's actually making an effort regardless of me". It sends a different message. You still might not get her back, but atleast you KNOW you tried everything. Dont wait for her to start working on the marriage. If it's important enough to you, you should start working on it by yourself.

 

Naturally you are frustrated and angry, but those feelings can damage the relationship. Start reading marriagebuilders.com It will help you figure out some love busters to prevent any further damage.

[Devildog]

I really don't see what you have done to change beyond changing your diet. All you are doing at this point is asking her to come back to the same guy that she chose to leave. Why would you expect her to do that?

 

My wife and I where ( are ) married for 11 years. 2 kids (6 and 4)

She left me 1 month ago....I showed ZERO attention to her and about

20 percent of my preciouse time to my kids...( I know now that's bad stuff, try to keep the flames to a low ) The rest of my time was spent working,pc, and video games....

1) She's staying at my mom's house about 2 minutes away.

 

2) I can see the kids when ever I want ( with in reason of course.) This works out to being 1-2 a week, at 3 hour intervles. ( get to this in alittle bit)

 

Have you turned off the video games? Have you done anything with the kids? Have you ever called her and asked her "hey, can I take the kids to go do XYZ this Wednesday?

 

Get into individual counselling. Work on the issues you already know about. Make your family more of a priority than video games. Unless you make some changes, you can kiss your marriage good-bye.

[Not_Over]

"Harsh" D_Dog,

 

But "true".

 

Talked with her last night. Right now, she's angrier than a hornet at me.

Give her the space she needs until the anger subsides then she'll beable to talk to me calmly.

 

As for the self help issue. I was confused about that.

"If I get the self help how will she know that I'm doing it?"

 

Hence, I ended up just sitting here pouting about it not realizing that self help is about me not her. She ( and everyone else) will see a difference in me.

 

Sometimes it takes a person a certain amount of time to see what he/she needs to see in order to set the priorities right.

 

I'm taking the kids to the indoor playground today. Both the kids are now looking forward to seeing me.

 

It's time to set the priorities right.

 

Thanks DOG!

rgdyman

[Lishy]

Is it just me here or is this guy so over the top selfish and self centred?

 

Why is your wife and kids at your mums house and not YOU?

Why did she have to pack it all up and go to your mums? Jesus you are one selfish mfer!!!!!! I have to say it. I know you will all get offended but i hope she meets someone who treats her how she deserves.

She is holding down a job and having the kids full time (other than when you decide to spend 2 hours with them in some junk food joint!)

 

I best stop now cos i want to say things I really should not say!!!!!!

[harleygirl92156]

It is good that you are making a good effort to see your kids! My first question is why does she always have to be present when you see the kids. I think she is using them as an excuse to see you....just my opinion.

 

Ok, my suggestions would be to go to counseling, alone if she refuses to go.

 

Second, date her if she is willing. Ask her out on a date. Don't talk about getting back together and don't talk about divorce. Just talk about each other. Learn to be intimate without being naked. Treat her like a lady, respect her and don't pressure. Act like a gentleman taking a new lady on a first date. Try it and if she is willing to go, continue doing it. Start over persay.

 

Third, I think you made a mistake giving her the ring back. I understand your feeling on this, but I think if you rethink this you will see that it was not the best move. I would ask for the ring back, tell her you are sorry you gave up your ring, that you were angry and that you regret it. Tell her the ring means the world to you as does she and your children. Tell her you want to wear the ring, that you want the world to know you are married even if you are working through a bad patch. Tell her it means a lot to you to wear the ring she gave you the day she married you and you would like to have it back so you can wear it because you want no one to mistake that you are married and devoted to your marriage and to her.

 

Good luck, be calm, be patient. Sometimes we women have to work through things in our own way. She sounds confused and the more you stay positive with her and act in positive marriage mending ways, the less confusion she will have. She will be drawn to you if you stay on the upside and avoid the anger and frustration.

 

Keep spending time with your children, they are innocent victims here and deserve the love and time and attention from both of you.

[Not_Over]

It is good that you are making a good effort to see your kids! My first question is why does she always have to be present when you see the kids. I think she is using them as an excuse to see you....just my opinion.

 

Im not sure why she had to be present. Thats coming to a halt today.

 

Right now dating is out of the question.(Perhaps later down the road.) She's said she has no more fight in her for a marriage. She cares for me but not as a husband.

 

"For now I want a divorce but that might change later on. I still dont know if your faking all of this or not but, if you really want to be pushy we'll get the papers on monday if that's what you want."

 

 

I'll let her get over the anger for now and give the space she's been begging for. While I get myself straight.

I did ask for the ring back and she did.

 

"You can wear it if you want to."

 

My kids are now looking forward to seeing me. This is great news.

The only reason I was doing the fast food joints was because my wife didn't want to leave me alone with them and it's only been 1 little over a month.

My kids are just now starting to want to spend more time with me alone.

 

Selfish "yes" ( working on it)

The reason she's there and I'm here. You have to ask her that.

[mra]

About forcing her for an answer, you're being selfish and you're doing more damage then good. It hasn't been very long since you guys have been seperated. Bite the bullet and give her time and leave the talk about "us" alone for a while. Give her time and give her space and STOP bringing up the "us" and "what are we going to do" talk.

 

I'm exactly in your same shoes you are but with one child, a two year old. Everytime I talk about us, she gets mad and it makes things worse. It's been almost 6 months since we've been seperated and I've recently talked to her finally and she then said we can go to counseling later on down the road when I'm more stable and she is more stable, it doesn't mean we will get back together, but we're going to go and see if it's savageable. I need to work on myself and she needs to recover from all of the hurt that I've done in our relationship (being selfish and negletful).