I have just gone through a day of silent treatment

[Davina1]

Because he told me he is taking his wife away on vacation as she is tired and needs a rest . Sent me a link to the resort and of course I got upset and jealous . And of course couldnt keep my big trap shut .  Things were said so of course it’s all my fault   And I am getting silent treatment .  I apologised and tried really hard today to make amends and the coldness was unreal .   Kind of finished on an ok note after I said we obviously not ok  .  But I’m here thinking why on Earth do I even bother .  
he admits he loves his wife and I should be happy he honest .  I said neither of us are honest we both liars and chests . 
didnt even get a reply to that one lol 😆 

I feel like I’m not entitled to say what I feel and what some one said on another thread , so long as he is happy he does not care or nor is even aware he has hurt me . 

[Crazelnut]

Why are you putting up with this mistreatment?  Serious question. 

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

I apologised and tried really hard today to make amends

 

34 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

feel like I’m not entitled to say what I feel and what some one said on another thread , so long as he is happy he does not care or nor is even aware he has hurt me .

Tell us why this is acceptable to you? 

The expectations you can require of an affair partner are simply not the same as what you can require of a husband/boyfriend. The reality of an extramarital affair is that your needs are not as important as his. What’s more, your needs/feelings are not as important as his wife’s needs and feelings. That’s the pecking order. 

You have a choice - you can accept this or your can end the relationship. Apologize to him, and that shows him that you are willing to accept less. It shows him that you don’t require respect or consideration. It shows him that you accept your place, as the other woman. You are willing to concede your own needs for him - and for his wife. The mistake that many other women make is in accepting the role of other woman, but then expecting to be treated with the same kind of respect and consideration as his wife. It doesn’t usually work this way - certainly not here, he has shown you that his/her needs and feelings are more important than yours by blaming and punishing you for daring to expect anything different. So, you need to decide - either you concede your needs to him or you don’t. 

Edited July 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[Beentheretoooften]

Tell him you have no interest in his home life. You don’t want to hear W’s name, where they go, or what they do.   If he does mention it again, you’re walking. 
100 bucks he never mentions it again. And if he ever does mention it by mistake, he will be profusely apologizing. Just try it.  Can’t make anything worse

[Luna66star]

Good question - why do you bother?  You're getting treated shabbily but still sticking around?  Don't bother to analyze it.

Telling him how you feel is one thing.  He doesn't care.  That's why he's taking his wife on vacation, and not you.

Just go. Move on. 

 

[Davina1]

7 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

Why are you putting up with this mistreatment?  Serious question. 

I keep asking myself that . 

 

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

 

Tell us why this is acceptable to you? 

The expectations you can require of an affair partner are simply not the same as what you can require of a husband/boyfriend. The reality of an extramarital affair is that your needs are not as important as his. What’s more, your needs/feelings are not as important as his wife’s needs and feelings. That’s the pecking order. 

You have a choice - you can accept this or your can end the relationship. Apologize to him, and that shows him that you are willing to accept less. It shows him that you don’t require respect or consideration. It shows him that you accept your place, as the other woman. You are willing to concede your own needs for him - and for his wife. The mistake that many other women make is in accepting the role of other woman, but then expecting to be treated with the same kind of respect and consideration as his wife. It doesn’t usually work this way - certainly not here, he has shown you that his/her needs and feelings are more important than yours by blaming and punishing you for daring to expect anything different. So, you need to decide - either you concede your needs to him or you don’t. 

Bailey it’s not acceptable to me . On one hand he tells me it’s good I say how I feel but then he gives me the silent treatment . It feels like a punishment. I can honestly say I have never made him feel that he doesn’t count have never told him anything that might make him jealous though frankly I doubt he does jealous . 
 

When we first got back together he used to be so caring and attentive to me , made me feel special and prioritised . Have asked him for a chat today to assess things . I want to hear his voice and get a tone at least . We only talk by email and so much is misconstrued on there anyway. You know I be happy when he heads off now on vacation , the last time he bombarded me with messages while she was in the spa and doing yoga or whatever  and I let him . My circumstances have changed now as I’m back at work so I won’t be there for him to pass the time .

[Davina1]

3 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

Tell him you have no interest in his home life. You don’t want to hear W’s name, where they go, or what they do.   If he does mention it again, you’re walking. 
100 bucks he never mentions it again. And if he ever does mention it by mistake, he will be profusely apologizing. Just try it.  Can’t make anything worse

He doesn’t most of the time but when he does I can feel how much he cares about her . 

 

1 hour ago, Luna66star said:

Good question - why do you bother?  You're getting treated shabbily but still sticking around?  Don't bother to analyze it.

Telling him how you feel is one thing.  He doesn't care.  That's why he's taking his wife on vacation, and not you.

Just go. Move on. 

 

I know I’m very close to that point . 
 

he has told me at times I’m passive aggressive and the most recent one I’m projecting. Yeah maybe I do when I’m upset . I wouldn’t normally be like that , I get on well with everyone really , generally I’m laid back and quiet but he pushes my bloody buttons . 
 

anyway will have chat later and I keep off my emails rest of the day . Have a heavycaseload in work today at least . 
 

 

[Miss Spider]

I have nothing to say except sorry that you’re in pain. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Davina1 said:

When we first got back together he used to be so caring and attentive to me , made me feel special and prioritised

But this is a fantasy. 

The reality is that you are not his priority, and you can't ever be his priority as long as he is stil married. His wife comes first, and you will always come somewhere after her. Your expectations are unrealistic, considering he is not your boyfriend. This is where so many OW (and OM) delude themselves into believing they are practically dating their APs, and willfully forget that it's not a relationship like that. They get incredibly hurt when they realize the truth, but the truth, even if the truth has been staring them in the face all along. 

You need to forget this guy and extricate yourself from this. You can't expect to feel special and prioritized by a man who's not yours. This coldness from him is your wake-up call. 

[NYAG]

9 hours ago, Davina1 said:

Because he told me he is taking his wife away on vacation as she is tired and needs a rest . Sent me a link to the resort and of course I got upset and jealous . And of course couldnt keep my big trap shut .  Things were said so of course it’s all my fault   And I am getting silent treatment .  I apologised and tried really hard today to make amends and the coldness was unreal .   Kind of finished on an ok note after I said we obviously not ok  .  But I’m here thinking why on Earth do I even bother .  
he admits he loves his wife and I should be happy he honest .  I said neither of us are honest we both liars and chests . 
didnt even get a reply to that one lol 😆 

I feel like I’m not entitled to say what I feel and what some one said on another thread , so long as he is happy he does not care or nor is even aware he has hurt me . 

Why do you bother? And why are you getting jealous that he's taking his wife on holiday. She's his WIFE. The wife comes first. You aren't entitled to have a say in their relationship. Sending you a link to the resort was probably designed to invoke that response in you otherwise why do it? He's not inviting you to join them, just reminding you of the place he will be without you, with her. You don't deserve to get jealous, he doesn't deserve to get to do the silent treatment. You're both lying to each other about your emotions - saying it's okay when it isn't and he clearly doesn't like the truth about what he is. He's not answered you with a counter attack to that. If you can't even be honest with each other on that basic level what have you got together? Not a lot. This relationship sounds as bad as the one he has with his wife. Walk away. He's going to be away for a week, treat that as your get out. Don't respond to him when he sends you sneaky texts from the poolside or after his wife has gone to bed. Just don't.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I've bolded and numbered some of your sentences that I find concerning. My corresponding responses follow below, numbered respectively.

9 hours ago, Davina1 said:

Because he told me he is taking his wife away on vacation as she is tired and needs a rest . Sent me a link to the resort and of course I got upset and jealous . 1. And of course couldnt keep my big trap shut .  2. Things were said so of course it’s all my fault   And I am getting silent treatment . 3. I apologised and tried really hard today to make amends and the coldness was unreal .   Kind of finished on an ok note after I said we obviously not ok  .  But I’m here thinking why on Earth do I even bother .  
he admits he loves his wife and I should be happy he honest .  I said neither of us are honest we both liars and chests . 
didnt even get a reply to that one lol 😆 

4. I feel like I’m not entitled to say what I feel and what some one said on another thread , so long as he is happy he does not care or nor is even aware he has hurt me . 

 

2 hours ago, Davina1 said:

5. he has told me at times I’m passive aggressive and the most recent one I’m projecting. Yeah maybe I do when I’m upset . I wouldn’t normally be like that , I get on well with everyone really , 6. generally I’m laid back and quiet but he pushes my bloody buttons . 

Davina, I'm here posting in the middle of the night because I just woke from a dream. Literally, I dreamt I was posting on someone's thread here, and this is what I wrote in my dream: "God gave you a voice. Use it. That's what He gave it to you for."

Seems fitting for you. There's an overarching theme in your posts where your MM makes all the rules/sets all the terms, and you're expected to acquiesce to them without any challenge. That translates to your needs and your voice don't matter. (They actually really do but more on that later!)

Here, my responses to your above sentences:

1. Good heavens! Why are you criticizing yourself for this? You say you feel like he's punishing you (he is!), but you're also punishing yourself. The purported crime? You stood up for yourself!  He argued because he doesn't care about your needs or feelings. And apparently neither do you because you are criticizing yourself for expressing them! How does that really feel for you? Ultimately, who is going to take care of Davina if not you? Nobody. You were right to express yourself. Work on not feeling guilty for this--it's a natural protective instinct. Actually, more of this would be beneficial...esp getting in touch with your needs, how you'll get them met, what boundaries you should enforce, how you will do so, and not compromising when someone treats you poorly. This is what it means to take care of yourself. 

2. The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive, manipulative tactic that's used to reinforce power and control. It sends the message that you will not get anything you want until you acquiesce to all demands. It reinforces the subjugation of your needs and desires to the person who is employing the tactic. It conveys you are somehow less than and better fall in line. He is definitely passive-aggressive (among some clearly not very nice other qualities that shine through in your posts).

3. You apologized. Did he apologize? From your post, it looks like he doubled down on the silent treatment even after your apology. See my comments at point 2. Do you see the power dynamic here, and how it is skewed in his favor? What exactly are you truly getting out of this? Doesn't appear to be much!

4. See all I've written above. Don't ignore your feelings. They are spot on. Your inner alarm is sounding: ❗⛔  ALERT! ALERT! Violation of self! Abort! Get out! ⛔❗

5. Funny thing is...'people like him' often project. When he says you're doing something, look carefully and consider if he's actually doing it himself. I can see your MM is a manipulator.

6. This should tell you something important. It further evidences what I've said above. Pushing buttons = manipulation. Also, how does someone pushing your buttons make your life better? What real value is this guy bringing to your life? If he's turning you into someone you're not (i.e. "I'm usually laid back"), let that be your sign this isn't good for you.

Seriously, this would all be the same with this guy whether an affair or otherwise romantic relationship. This isn't good for you so why continue?

Maybe my dream was for you? (If you believe in those sort of things. )

Take care of you! You're all you've got!

Edited July 28, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
They > you

[HadMeOverABarrel]

54 minutes ago, NYAG said:

You don't deserve to get jealous

I just want to point out my contention with this statement.

Everybody is entitled to their feelings. Undermining a person's feelings is undermining a person at the core of their being. It illicits a shame response in them, often detrimental to a person's self-worth. All feelings are valid. What we choose to do with our feelings is where we should be measured...but not for having the feelings themselves.

NYAG, I'm thinking you probably didn't intend your message to be construed in the manner I've conveyed it. I'm posting this to help OP know that her feelings are valid. I suspect she has a history of suppressing her feelings, which probably has contributed to her finding herself in this situation in the first place.

[salparadise]

59 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Everybody is entitled to their feelings. Undermining a person's feelings is undermining a person at the core...

Entitled to? This is an idiom that gets used a lot, but that doesn't make it universal truth.  

OP has latched onto someone else's husband, started sexing him up, and now somehow makes the leap to thinking that she has ousted the man's wife as the top cat. Him sending the link to the resort was a pretty clear signal that this is not the case. Then OP throws a jealous fit and he tunes her out. Her estimation of where she resides in the pecking order is erroneous, and her jealousy is the product of that delusion. Telling her that she is entitled... no, I think she needs to accept that she is not entitled. I bet her borrowed husband is thinking, "sheesh, this is definitely not what I signed up for."

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Davina1 said:

 he is taking his wife away on vacation as she is tired and needs a rest . Sent me a link to the resort 

Ok. Give him the permanent silent treatment.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Free yourself to start talking to and meeting single available men.

[Prudence V]

11 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The expectations you can require of an affair partner are simply not the same as what you can require of a husband/boyfriend. The reality of an extramarital affair is that your needs are not as important as his. What’s more, your needs/feelings are not as important as his wife’s needs and feelings. That’s the pecking order. 

100% disagree with this. 
 

It all depends on the nature of the relationship. If you’re happy to sign up to being in second / third / whatever subsequent place behind dogs and cats and extended family, fair enough, it’s what you agreed to - then don’t complain, just get on with it. But if your agreement on going into the relationship was that you would be prioritised, respected, cherished, etc, then he should stick to that. 
 

The trouble is few OW make explicit agreements - they assume the latter has been agreed tacitly, while the MM assumes because of his circumstances that the OW has agreed to the former. Every OW / MOW should have a discussion with the MM at the outset, or the early stages, to agree on where they stand and what they’re expecting. If he can’t meet your expectations, then walk - because the R won’t be an R but an exploitation, otherwise. And if he agrees, then hold him to it or walk - settling for less than you want isn’t sustainable long-term. 
 

His “punishing” you with silent treatment shows that he’s not worth your time, energy or body fluids. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 hours ago, salparadise said:

Entitled to? This is an idiom that gets used a lot, but that doesn't make it universal truth.  

OP has latched onto someone else's husband, started sexing him up, and now somehow makes the leap to thinking that she has ousted the man's wife as the top cat. Him sending the link to the resort was a pretty clear signal that this is not the case. Then OP throws a jealous fit and he tunes her out. Her estimation of where she resides in the pecking order is erroneous, and her jealousy is the product of that delusion. Telling her that she is entitled... no, I think she needs to accept that she is not entitled. I bet her borrowed husband is thinking, "sheesh, this is definitely not what I signed up for."

How can an intelligent person like you twist such a simple sentence into something completely different?

Reading comprehension, Sal. Try again. Entitled to FEELINGS. (Not the affair)

Edited July 28, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Took out the word Duh!

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Prudence V said:

100% disagree with this. 

I knew you would. And, I don’t entirely disagree. 

That said, he is sending a clear message as to what his priorities are related to both relationships. She would be wise to do an honest assessment and decide if this is truly what she desires/is willing to accept from her chosen relationship partner and for her life. 

[Prudence V]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I knew you would. And, I don’t entirely disagree. 

That said, he is sending a clear message as to what his priorities are related to both relationships. She would be wise to do an honest assessment and decide if this is truly what she desires/is willing to accept from her chosen relationship partner and for her life. 

Absolutely - I think he’s treating her appallingly. If it’s what she knowingly signed up to, then complaining about it is pointless because it’s what she agreed to - her choices are to accept it, or leave. If they agreed to something else, she has the right to demand he honour that agreement, and to walk if he doesn’t. 
 

Either way though, if he respected her he would not be treating her as a child. Whatever the original agreement, his current treatment of her shows him to have a rather unpleasant side to his character that she’d do well to eschew. I wouldn’t waste my body fluids on someone like that, and I don’t think any R with such a person is long-term sustainable (neither this R, nor his M). 

[Taramere]

16 hours ago, Davina1 said:

Because he told me he is taking his wife away on vacation as she is tired and needs a rest . Sent me a link to the resort and of course I got upset and jealous . And of course couldnt keep my big trap shut .

Everybody telling you that he's letting you know where you are on the pecking order is right.  But there's a way of knocking him off that perch.  I wouldn't normally advocate spite, but in this case I'll make an exception. I would contact him again and say "re sending me a link to the resort.  I assume you're inviting me to come along too.  I'm seriously thinking about it, since I'm in need of a vacation too."

Then I'd block him so that I didn't even see any messages he sent and therefore wasn't tempted to respond.  I wouldn't dream of actually turning up, since it's not his wife's fault that her husband's a cheating ********, but I'd certainly be up for my parting gift to him being a holiday filled with stress and anxiety that I was going to crop up at any moment with a cheery wave and a fistful of awkward disclosures.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Taramere said:

my parting gift to him being a holiday filled with stress and anxiety that I was going to crop up at any moment with a cheery wave and a fistful of awkward disclosures.

It would serve him right! 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 hours ago, Taramere said:

I would contact him again and say "re sending me a link to the resort.  I assume you're inviting me to come along too.  I'm seriously thinking about it, since I'm in need of a vacation too."

I'd go ahead and make the reservation giving the resort strict instructions to not disclose anything about my reservation to anyone. Then I'd email him the reservation I made (for exact same dates). Block, delete, cancel the reservation. 😆

[Davina1]

11 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I've bolded and numbered some of your sentences that I find concerning. My corresponding responses follow below, numbered respectively.

 

Davina, I'm here posting in the middle of the night because I just woke from a dream. Literally, I dreamt I was posting on someone's thread here, and this is what I wrote in my dream: "God gave you a voice. Use it. That's what He gave it to you for."

Seems fitting for you. There's an overarching theme in your posts where your MM makes all the rules/sets all the terms, and you're expected to acquiesce to them without any challenge. That translates to your needs and your voice don't matter. (They actually really do but more on that later!)

Here, my responses to your above sentences:

1. Good heavens! Why are you criticizing yourself for this? You say you feel like he's punishing you (he is!), but you're also punishing yourself. The purported crime? You stood up for yourself!  He argued because he doesn't care about your needs or feelings. And apparently neither do you because you are criticizing yourself for expressing them! How does that really feel for you? Ultimately, who is going to take care of Davina if not you? Nobody. You were right to express yourself. Work on not feeling guilty for this--it's a natural protective instinct. Actually, more of this would be beneficial...esp getting in touch with your needs, how you'll get them met, what boundaries you should enforce, how you will do so, and not compromising when someone treats you poorly. This is what it means to take care of yourself. 

2. The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive, manipulative tactic that's used to reinforce power and control. It sends the message that you will not get anything you want until you acquiesce to all demands. It reinforces the subjugation of your needs and desires to the person who is employing the tactic. It conveys you are somehow less than and better fall in line. He is definitely passive-aggressive (among some clearly not very nice other qualities that shine through in your posts).

3. You apologized. Did he apologize? From your post, it looks like he doubled down on the silent treatment even after your apology. See my comments at point 2. Do you see the power dynamic here, and how it is skewed in his favor? What exactly are you truly getting out of this? Doesn't appear to be much!

4. See all I've written above. Don't ignore your feelings. They are spot on. Your inner alarm is sounding: ❗⛔  ALERT! ALERT! Violation of self! Abort! Get out! ⛔❗

5. Funny thing is...'people like him' often project. When he says you're doing something, look carefully and consider if he's actually doing it himself. I can see your MM is a manipulator.

6. This should tell you something important. It further evidences what I've said above. Pushing buttons = manipulation. Also, how does someone pushing your buttons make your life better? What real value is this guy bringing to your life? If he's turning you into someone you're not (i.e. "I'm usually laid back"), let that be your sign this isn't good for you.

Seriously, this would all be the same with this guy whether an affair or otherwise romantic relationship. This isn't good for you so why continue?

Maybe my dream was for you? (If you believe in those sort of things. )

Take care of you! You're all you've got!

Thank you so much for all of this .it does all ring true .  We have had a conversation, he actually just said forget  about last few days and move on but I didn’t . I told him his behaviour after I apologised to him was unacceptable and hurtful.  I’m glad I insisted on talking to him as he normally doesn’t like phone call .he didn’t apologise on the call but did send me one later. 
 

He is vacationing for 3 weeks going next week so I have said I won’t be in contact . As it happens I am going to go to visit my extended family during it so I’m going to park some distance again. 

@HadMeOverABarrel yes I suppress my feelings a lot , have a long history of it . Probably stems from an absent alcoholic  father , horrible rows in the home where I would retreat and avoid all arguments or battles and then I would try to be the peace maker when things would calm . I still am to this day . 
I hate conflict but I’m not putting up with this crap anymore. 

You know all he had to actually do was say to me I know you are upset about this let’s talk about it , but no he went into punishment mode . It was nasty and I don’t like it . 
 
Like you had a dream on this how interesting. I’m sorry I am not giving your reply to me justice but I’m exhausted and my arthritis is flaring a bit tonight . But I appreciate it all and I wish I had read it before I spoke to him ! 

[Davina1]

9 hours ago, salparadise said:

Entitled to? This is an idiom that gets used a lot, but that doesn't make it universal truth.  

OP has latched onto someone else's husband, started sexing him up, and now somehow makes the leap to thinking that she has ousted the man's wife as the top cat. Him sending the link to the resort was a pretty clear signal that this is not the case. Then OP throws a jealous fit and he tunes her out. Her estimation of where she resides in the pecking order is erroneous, and her jealousy is the product of that delusion. Telling her that she is entitled... no, I think she needs to accept that she is not entitled. I bet her borrowed husband is thinking, "sheesh, this is definitely not what I signed up for."

I am allowed to express and own my feelings . And if you knew me i certainly don’t sex him up or think of myself as top cat , nor were there big tantrums or fits , I expressed how I felt and I did apologise after . I’m not a wooden toy who doesn’t feel . 

[Davina1]

5 hours ago, Taramere said:

Everybody telling you that he's letting you know where you are on the pecking order is right.  But there's a way of knocking him off that perch.  I wouldn't normally advocate spite, but in this case I'll make an exception. I would contact him again and say "re sending me a link to the resort.  I assume you're inviting me to come along too.  I'm seriously thinking about it, since I'm in need of a vacation too."

Then I'd block him so that I didn't even see any messages he sent and therefore wasn't tempted to respond.  I wouldn't dream of actually turning up, since it's not his wife's fault that her husband's a cheating ********, but I'd certainly be up for my parting gift to him being a holiday filled with stress and anxiety that I was going to crop up at any moment with a cheery wave and a fistful of awkward disclosures.

Haha shame I didn’t post here earlier that  would be interesting 🤔. But he knows I wouldn’t as it’s too far for me but tempting. 
 

 

I know lots of you  have taken time to respond here to me I have read it all and it’s given me lots to think on and I know reading all the threads here I’m definitely not alone .

im in a bit of pain with my shoulder at the moment so-typing done for today ! 

[Ginger10]

Oh the silent treatment!

You know that's a perfect way for you to learn to live without him. I had many silent treatments handed to me and after a few I didn't give 2 s***s and I walked away with  no regrets,because I chose to be the silent one in the end.

Don't allow yourself to be controlled by him and that is exactly what the silent treatment is intended for.