Wiseman2 Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 This isn't the silent treatment, it's the "I'm with my wife" treatment. Just use this opportunity to set yourself free to find a man who cares about you. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 (edited) 12 hours ago, Prudence V said: 100% disagree with this. It all depends on the nature of the relationship. If you’re happy to sign up to being in second / third / whatever subsequent place behind dogs and cats and extended family, fair enough, it’s what you agreed to - then don’t complain, just get on with it. But if your agreement on going into the relationship was that you would be prioritised, respected, cherished, etc, then he should stick to that. With the exception of seeing a married person who's spouse is in long term care, how can any affair partner reasonably expect to be prioritised, respected, cherished when they know that their partner must deliver this to their own spouse? OK, perhaps they can respect the AP, but they can't prioritise or cherish because that's already promised to someone else. Anyone who believes that they will be some kind of priority when going into an affair is dreaming. Edited July 28, 2021 by basil67 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 32 minutes ago, basil67 said: how can any affair partner reasonably expect to be prioritised, respected, cherished when they know that their partner must deliver this to their own spouse? I would think only an affair partner who’s MM is quite literally on the way to the lawyer to file for divorce. Perhaps one could expect to be respected in the way that one human being should respect another, but certainly not prioritized - unless their affair partner is planning to leave their marriage to be with their other woman. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 Yes @BaileyB very true. I was technically married when I met my now partner but I had moved out and was establishing a new life without the ex. I should amend my comments to be "nobody can expect to be prioritised etc when the married person is still together with their partner and still loves them or is keeping up the facade" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 On 7/28/2021 at 9:09 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said: I just want to point out my contention with this statement. Everybody is entitled to their feelings. Undermining a person's feelings is undermining a person at the core of their being. It illicits a shame response in them, often detrimental to a person's self-worth. All feelings are valid. What we choose to do with our feelings is where we should be measured...but not for having the feelings themselves. NYAG, I'm thinking you probably didn't intend your message to be construed in the manner I've conveyed it. I'm posting this to help OP know that her feelings are valid. I suspect she has a history of suppressing her feelings, which probably has contributed to her finding herself in this situation in the first place. Sorry, yes. Thank you for that @HadMeOverABarrel. Of course her feelings are valid. But in his mind they are not. And I also feel that if you/she/me are in the middle of someone else's relationship and therefore setting yourself up to be taken advantage of and probably emotionally abused by the MM, validation in the relationship as the OW is different. The OW, knowing the situation and walking into someone else's marriage with someone who is dishonest and toxic, shouldn't in theory be as angry as the WS who has been deceived. As someone in similar situations who is always trying to understand my motivation, I may have been projecting myself for past experiences that I am trying to address going forward. These things are so complicated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 23 hours ago, salparadise said: Entitled to? This is an idiom that gets used a lot, but that doesn't make it universal truth. OP has latched onto someone else's husband, started sexing him up, and now somehow makes the leap to thinking that she has ousted the man's wife as the top cat. Him sending the link to the resort was a pretty clear signal that this is not the case. Then OP throws a jealous fit and he tunes her out. Her estimation of where she resides in the pecking order is erroneous, and her jealousy is the product of that delusion. Telling her that she is entitled... no, I think she needs to accept that she is not entitled. I bet her borrowed husband is thinking, "sheesh, this is definitely not what I signed up for." I think he's made it clear his wife is still the Top Cat. Wives always are whilst the marriage is still alive, and usually whilst the wife doesn't know what's going on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 10 hours ago, basil67 said: "nobody can expect to be prioritised etc when the married person is still together with their partner and still loves them or is keeping up the facade" It’s about an agreement, rather than a one-sided expectation. If a OW demands this, and a MM agrees to it (or the MM offers it), then the expectation is reasonable - and if the MM then fails to deliver, it’s breach of contract and the Ow should walk. While the particulars will differ case by case, there have been several OW on these boards over the years who set their demands clearly to the MM, who agreed to (and stuck to) those demands, so it’s not “pie in the sky” thinking. My point is, that rather than assuming one way or the other about what is possible / normal in such a R, and then being frustrated and disappointed when your AP has different assumptions, it’s best *as with any R* to clarify these things in advance, so both parties make informed choices. Of course, people are free to change their minds at any time, especially if circumstances change, but at least both parties are then fully apprised of what they’re signing up for - if they’re still wanting to go ahead. Too many people (often OW) sign up naively without knowing how it will go down, only to discover they were never on the same page as the MM - and that is my issue. Discuss it, agree (to whatever works for you *both*) and then enjoy… or, if you can’t reach agreement, don’t bother to start, because at least one of you will suffer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 @NYAG I concur. 😉👍 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 I wonder how his wife would respond if heyou sent her a link/information about the activities you two engage in! Would she be jealous, passive aggressive, projecting? The silent treatment?? Give me a break! He’s the one who’s passive aggressive! And he sent the link so you could see just how lucky she is, if you can believe that because you can bet he does! What a catch! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Davina1 Posted July 29, 2021 Author Share Posted July 29, 2021 26 minutes ago, IfWishesWereHorses said: I wonder how his wife would respond if heyou sent her a link/information about the activities you two engage in! Would she be jealous, passive aggressive, projecting? The silent treatment?? Give me a break! He’s the one who’s passive aggressive! And he sent the link so you could see just how lucky she is, if you can believe that because you can bet he does! What a catch! @IfWishesWereHorses he definitely sent me link to make me jealous I imagine . If I had of stopped and thought about it I would not have reacted at all 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonifidelifelover Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 7 hours ago, Davina1 said: @IfWishesWereHorses he definitely sent me link to make me jealous I imagine . If I had of stopped and thought about it I would not have reacted at all I agree. Make u jealous, but it’s His confidence he’s boosting with that selfish move. It’s all about him u know. Not you or the wife. Although he does have to stay in line on some level when it comes to the wife, hence the silent treatment right now. He’ll be back. When it’s safe for him to be 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 Wow, the guy makes my skin crawl! He sends you a link to where he is going so you know what you are missing out on. He accuses you of being passive-aggressive because you want what other lovers want. He is not even making a token effort to imply you are as important as his wife. He is not only a married man cheating on his wife, he is manipulative and denigrating to you. Honestly, if you are going to fall in love with someone already taken, try to make sure he is at least caring. This guy is having a relationship on the side. He has no intention of it ever being more than a fun fling at his convenience. Where are you hoping it will go? Is there any point at all in having a go at him or berating him for something that he does not care about? If you free yourself of this guy, you could meet someone else who is free to spend time with you, puts you first and takes you on holiday. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 (edited) Hmm. Not to be too mean, but I sincerely wonder if: He shared the link as he would with anyone he's close friends with. It's sharing what's going on in his life. NO hidden message, jealousy farming, mind games - just "here's where we're going - it's a cool place, check it out". Then, due to jealousy, insecurity, overthinking you have essentially turned it into these negative things in your mind. Since you reacted negatively AND he's busy with his life, he naturally stops communicating. Why feed an apparent fire. But this is all "mind games" only to you; never what was intended by him. The way you portray it gets posters here thinking along the same lines. So they comment and reinforce your negative beliefs. But this is all just a web you've spun for yourself. Never what was intended by him. He'll probably be quite surprised if/when you blurt out all the negativity you've been building up over this. This is probably symptomatic of other things - your distress/state of mind/probably some jealousy at not being able to fully have him etc. But those things are fairly endemic to affairs. C'est la vie. That's my theory anyhow. Edited July 30, 2021 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 4 hours ago, spiderowl said: He sends you a link to where he is going so you know what you are missing out on. Agree. He's rubbing it in your face that he pampers his wife while he treats you like an escort. Use this opportunity to free yourself from💩 like this. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single available men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 (edited) Is he rubbing your face in it...or does he just prefer to be honest? I would have thought that honesty is a better choice than pretending things are bad when they are not. Edited July 30, 2021 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 21 hours ago, Prudence V said: It’s about an agreement, rather than a one-sided expectation. If a OW demands this, and a MM agrees to it (or the MM offers it), then the expectation is reasonable - and if the MM then fails to deliver, it’s breach of contract and the Ow should walk. While the particulars will differ case by case, there have been several OW on these boards over the years who set their demands clearly to the MM, who agreed to (and stuck to) those demands, so it’s not “pie in the sky” thinking. My point is, that rather than assuming one way or the other about what is possible / normal in such a R, and then being frustrated and disappointed when your AP has different assumptions, it’s best *as with any R* to clarify these things in advance, so both parties make informed choices. Of course, people are free to change their minds at any time, especially if circumstances change, but at least both parties are then fully apprised of what they’re signing up for - if they’re still wanting to go ahead. Too many people (often OW) sign up naively without knowing how it will go down, only to discover they were never on the same page as the MM - and that is my issue. Discuss it, agree (to whatever works for you *both*) and then enjoy… or, if you can’t reach agreement, don’t bother to start, because at least one of you will suffer. This is absolutely the truth. LIke so many relationships, communication is key and like so many relationships it falls by the wayside. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Davina1 Posted July 30, 2021 Author Share Posted July 30, 2021 He sent me the link to get a reaction imo . It’s not like it’s a basic holiday inn or travel lodge but a beautiful spa resort . the silent treatment was to push me further I believe . well we are not communicating as of now as I said will talk after his trip and he isn’t going for a week . i need this time to regroup myself. I know we have no future together but we were always close so just hard to step back but I will . 9 hours ago, mark clemson said: Hmm. Not to be too mean, but I sincerely wonder if: He shared the link as he would with anyone he's close friends with. It's sharing what's going on in his life. NO hidden message, jealousy farming, mind games - just "here's where we're going - it's a cool place, check it out". Then, due to jealousy, insecurity, overthinking you have essentially turned it into these negative things in your mind. Since you reacted negatively AND he's busy with his life, he naturally stops communicating. Why feed an apparent fire. But this is all "mind games" only to you; never what was intended by him. The way you portray it gets posters here thinking along the same lines. So they comment and reinforce your negative beliefs. But this is all just a web you've spun for yourself. Never what was intended by him. He'll probably be quite surprised if/when you blurt out all the negativity you've been building up over this. This is probably symptomatic of other things - your distress/state of mind/probably some jealousy at not being able to fully have him etc. But those things are fairly endemic to affairs. C'est la vie. That's my theory anyhow. mark he would totally agree with all you said 🙀 5 hours ago, basil67 said: Is he rubbing your face in it...or does he just prefer to be honest? I would have thought that honesty is a better choice than pretending things are bad when they are not. And he would agree totally with that too . I know he has a enjoyable life and marriage I don’t doubt it at all . I am going to just keep my distance now . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 Who cares what his intentions are. Of course it's going to hurt to know the man you love is going to be at a beautiful resort, in public, with his wife. Going on day tours. Getting day drunk. Romantic dinners. Regardless of what you "communicated" in the beginning our hearts rarely fall in line with that once a romantic connection is formed. This is why affairs are not sustainable. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 2 hours ago, Davina1 said: He sent me the link to get a reaction imo . It’s not like it’s a basic holiday inn or travel lodge but a beautiful spa resort . the silent treatment was to push me further I believe . Ok - well if this is your view, it's your view. You're closer to the situation than I am, know him better, etc. If it was me I might share such a link with e.g. relatives and close work or other friends without any ill intentions - just to "share", but that's me. IF he's really doing things to get a rise out of you, that's deliberately mean and shows he doesn't care about your feelings or wants you to feel hurt, etc. Not sure why that would be, but perhaps you're correct. In that case it's definitely something to take into consideration as you decided where to take this next (including not anywhere as one possibility). 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 2 hours ago, Davina1 said: i need this time to regroup myself. Why spend your life with someone who treats you like this? There are other ways to live - more fulfilling, loving and reciprocal, no headgames and painful or deceitful moments. Regroup to rethink what this man is and who you may think he is. You could be outgrowing this era or phase and on the cusp of exploring more or wanting more out of your relationships too. I know you mentioned earlier you don't like conflict so stay true to yourself and don't give in to any of his games. I wouldn't confront him, talk with him about the resort or entertain his holiday ideas. Good idea to park some distance between the both of you. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Davina1 Posted July 30, 2021 Author Share Posted July 30, 2021 2 hours ago, Allupinnit said: Who cares what his intentions are. Of course it's going to hurt to know the man you love is going to be at a beautiful resort, in public, with his wife. Going on day tours. Getting day drunk. Romantic dinners. Regardless of what you "communicated" in the beginning our hearts rarely fall in line with that once a romantic connection is formed. This is why affairs are not sustainable. You have just reminded me of him sending me a pic of her one night across the table from him . I kind of thought why do that . He was showing me the food he said . It just made me feel rotten . im doing ok now . Over the upset of it to a degree . I’m keeping busy . Meeting some people for dinner tonight getting back to some normalcy. Also I have guests over the weekend so need to do a mega clean and I haven’t started it . Everything goes to crap when my head is not right Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 43 minutes ago, Davina1 said: im doing ok now . Over the upset of it to a degree . I’m keeping busy . Meeting some people for dinner tonight getting back to some normalcy. Also I have guests over the weekend so need to do a mega clean and I haven’t started it . Everything goes to crap when my head is not right Ok. Get cracking, girl. You'll feel a lot better once your house is in order. It sounds like a fun evening and weekend. You deserve that. Do more of that. Less of this man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 53 minutes ago, Davina1 said: You have just reminded me of him sending me a pic of her one night across the table from him . I kind of thought why do that . He was showing me the food he said . It just made me feel rotten . im doing ok now . Over the upset of it to a degree . I’m keeping busy . Meeting some people for dinner tonight getting back to some normalcy. Also I have guests over the weekend so need to do a mega clean and I haven’t started it . Everything goes to crap when my head is not right Sounds like he wants to take mean swipes at you and then play the "I didn't mean anything by it. Jeez you're so sensitive..." game It wouldn't surprise me if this guy's own father cheated on his mother and he's trying to get some sort of payback. What are you planning to do longer term? Do you feel like you could exercise the discipline to stop all contact with him permanently? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 On 7/29/2021 at 10:48 PM, mark clemson said: But this is all just a web you've spun for yourself. Never what was intended by him. He'll probably be quite surprised if/when you blurt out all the negativity you've been building up over this. I'm really surprised at some of your comments of late Mark. Regardless of what he intended, the fact he would do this is indicative of his level of empathy and his lack of awareness or concern about impact of his words/actions on others. It's really just that simple. Is that the kind of person she wants to be involved with? I doubt it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 23 hours ago, mark clemson said: If it was me I might share such a link with e.g. relatives and close work or other friends without any ill intentions - just to "share", but that's me. Sharing with friends and family is one thing, but with your OW? Would you really share, especially if you know your OW is emotionally invested? How is this not cold and callous, self centered and devoid of respect or caring for the other person? 🤦♀️ 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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