I have just gone through a day of silent treatment

[Davina1]

3 hours ago, solostand said:

When I was embroiled in an affair with a MM, he portrayed his marriage as dead of neglect. He painted his wife as an annoyance. He described her in disparaging terms. He even told me he was plotting to kill her.

But then, I came across a photo on social media of the two of them, sweetly holding hands. I was enraged. At the wife of course because the affair had made me mentally ill, lol. How dare she hold his hand like that? Does she not know he hates her?

Good times, good times.

Well my MM is the complete opposite, he says he loves his wife , he supports her , he does many things with her , they are close I know that .  He wants her to have a nice holiday because she works so hard . He however says he doesn’t sleep with her and has not done in many many years . Whether or not that’s true I don’t know.  I have told him that if he loves her that much well why he is talking with me .  He said he wasn’t getting into that with me .   He loves us both .   Do you know the more I let out here the more disinterested I am in him . Plus I’m not out to ruin marriages. When I got back involved with him I thought we were singing from the same hymn sheets but we definitely are not in tune 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

I have told him that if he loves her that much well why he is talking with me .

The better question to ask is - why are you talking with a man who say that he loves his wife and will never leave his marriage? That sounds like a total waste of your time and energy. 

[solostand]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The better question to ask is - why are you talking with a man who say that he loves his wife and will never leave his marriage? That sounds like a total waste of your time and energy. 

At least mine pretended he didn't love his wife and pretended he was going to leave his marriage. I was partial to bad acting back then.  He's still with her, many years later, BTW, and they are going to celebrate 43 years of marriage soon, ha ha.

 

[Davina1]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The better question to ask is - why are you talking with a man who say that he loves his wife and will never leave his marriage? That sounds like a total waste of your time and energy. 

Yes that’s a very valid question .  And one I need to deal with it .  All quiet at the moment I’m taking  it in my own time and doing lots of thinking . 

[spiderowl]

21 hours ago, Davina1 said:

Thanks mark . I did appreciate your views and said maybe that was the case bit I kind of felt in this instance he was trying to get a reaction .  If I had thought it out with out typing like a maniac it would of been better . 
I have told him before I don’t like to hear about his wife at all . 

I will admit I do think he should be a mind reader too and know what I am feeling 🙀.completely unreasonable of course lol 

 

 

This is the thing, Davina.  If we put aside what his intentions were with sending you that link, what happens if we focus solely on how it made you feel?  Yes, MM might have been clueless about your feelings but he still hurt them.  He is going to carry on hurting them because he is married and still making a go of his marriage.  Where does that leave you?  Are you waiting for his marriage to end?

While you are agonising about whether to stay in touch with him while he is on holiday, he is enjoying time with his wife and family and probably only thinks of you occasionally while fantasising.  His reality is his wife and family.

Point is, what is going to get better for you in this scenario even if you don't contact him much for a week or so?  It will probably not make a blind bit of difference to him.  He's already confident you will be there for him.  He is so confident, he dared to send you the link to where he will be.  If you can cope with that pain, you'll cope with anything for him.  People test the waters to see how far they can go. I think that's what he was doing here.

If you really and desperately want to stay in a hidden relationship with this one guy, then I would suggest being as unpredictable as hell.  Foil his game of thinking he has you on a leash and make him extremely uncertain of you. He may dump you, if he feels he is losing control, that's the risk.  Basically, I cannot see what you can win at this game of dating a MM so you might as well spoil his fun on your way out of this affair.

[Davina1]

21 hours ago, spiderowl said:

This is the thing, Davina.  If we put aside what his intentions were with sending you that link, what happens if we focus solely on how it made you feel?  Yes, MM might have been clueless about your feelings but he still hurt them.  He is going to carry on hurting them because he is married and still making a go of his marriage.  Where does that leave you?  Are you waiting for his marriage to end?

While you are agonising about whether to stay in touch with him while he is on holiday, he is enjoying time with his wife and family and probably only thinks of you occasionally while fantasising.  His reality is his wife and family.

Point is, what is going to get better for you in this scenario even if you don't contact him much for a week or so?  It will probably not make a blind bit of difference to him.  He's already confident you will be there for him.  He is so confident, he dared to send you the link to where he will be.  If you can cope with that pain, you'll cope with anything for him.  People test the waters to see how far they can go. I think that's what he was doing here.

If you really and desperately want to stay in a hidden relationship with this one guy, then I would suggest being as unpredictable as hell.  Foil his game of thinking he has you on a leash and make him extremely uncertain of you. He may dump you, if he feels he is losing control, that's the risk.  Basically, I cannot see what you can win at this game of dating a MM so you might as well spoil his fun on your way out of this affair.

Hi Spiderowl yeah sometimes I just feel pretty alone with him and it wasn’t meant to be like that . I thought we were in same boat in the beginning . I am married too but we just co exist  . But he depends on me totally and I do all I can for him . We do not share bedroom now for 6 years . He gets depressed. Things are getting pretty bad for him now .. MM started out as a support system for me I suppose . Felt he really cared . But I notice I am not sharing much at all there now . 
 

to answer your questions no I’m not waiting for MM to end his marriage . He never will . yes he will enjoy his holiday and I doubt I will be thought about much at all . 
 

I think you are right he is testing waters to a degree . I know I’m needy and it’s partly due to my home life . Don’t want to go into that too much . 
 

I am tired at this point of it all . I think right now I would just be happy alone . If I end things with MM I will in effect be alone anyway .  
 

right now I’m having no contact much . Serious thinking going on but it’s not consuming me . Just living each day at the moment 

 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Davina1 said:

MM started out as a support system for me I suppose

It would be healthier to find yourself a counsellor, if possible. Or a friend. 

Is this a physical affair? I ask because reading back, I noticed at one point you called it an emotional affair. If it’s not physical, what you are essentially taking from this relationship is friendship and emotional support. There are easier and better ways to find that…

I do wonder if this relationship has run its course for him, as you say it’s starting to do for you too. Perhaps, this is his way of trying to end it without actually saying the words - perhaps he’s trying to fade and get you to back off? Just a thought.

Edited August 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[Davina1]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It would be healthier to find yourself a counsellor, if possible. Or a friend. 

Is this a physical affair? I ask because reading back, I noticed at one point you called it an emotional affair. If it’s not physical, what you are essentially taking from this relationship is friendship and emotional support. There are easier and better ways to find that…

I do wonder if this relationship has run its course for him, as you say it’s starting to do for you too. Perhaps, this is his way of trying to end it without actually saying the words - perhaps he’s trying to fade and get you to back off? Just a thought.

It’s not physical we have only met a couple of times , and not done much more than hugs and kisses . COVID probably helped as we have not met due to that . Just as well . Yes have felt that before from him like he was pushing me to end it but it got better again. 

[Davina1]

Weird I did a post this morning but it’s not shown up . So it was to say he is gone on vacation now and I guess is there by now . He said he will think of me and message me .  Oh and he is gone for 3 weeks and not 2 .  He asked me would I go away in September with him for a day or two .   So I get crumbs lol. 
 

I didn’t reply to that but I did just say to him to have a safe journey and a nice time .  He is moaning now because it’s not the holiday he would like to go on .  Again I haven’t replied . 
I am putting up barriers now I know .  Fed up of thinking about it .  
 

Heading off myself in a few days with some family members and also some meals booked with friends . I will not be idle and waiting on an odd message. .glad now to be having this time to create major distance 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Davina1 said:

 Again I haven’t replied . 
I am putting up barriers now I know .  Fed up of thinking about it .

Good idea. His message warrants no reply. 

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, glows said:

His message warrants no reply. 

No, it does not. 

1 hour ago, Davina1 said:

He is moaning now because it’s not the holiday he would like to go on .  

Cry me a river. I don’t believe him. He has told you honestly that he loves his wife and he has no intention to leave his marriage. They are no doubt enjoying their three week vacation. Nobody is forced to take a three week vacation with their spouse… 

1 hour ago, Davina1 said:

He asked me would I go away in September with him for a day or two .

Lucky girl!  You get the consolation prize - oh, I mean, the vacation he would “much rather go on…” How does he explain his absence to his wife? 

[Davina1]

Ha Bailey my thoughts exactly , he says the holiday is her holiday to relax . I don’t care and I don’t want to hear about it . And of course he will enjoy it , I know now he is trying to tell me what he thinks I want to hear but I am not stupid And I’m not going to be here to listen or talk when she is busy in spa or whatever it is she does . 
 

following on from advice I gave on another post just now I’m not a slave to my phone , I am going to get out enjoy every minute of this weekend whether I am cleaning , shopping or whatever and not waste time wondering what he is up too . 
 

 

[Myabee]

On 7/27/2021 at 5:58 PM, Davina1 said:

Because he told me he is taking his wife away on vacation as she is tired and needs a rest . Sent me a link to the resort and of course I got upset and jealous . And of course couldnt keep my big trap shut .  Things were said so of course it’s all my fault   And I am getting silent treatment .  I apologised and tried really hard today to make amends and the coldness was unreal .   Kind of finished on an ok note after I said we obviously not ok  .  But I’m here thinking why on Earth do I even bother .  
he admits he loves his wife and I should be happy he honest .  I said neither of us are honest we both liars and chests . 
didnt even get a reply to that one lol 😆 

I feel like I’m not entitled to say what I feel and what some one said on another thread , so long as he is happy he does not care or nor is even aware he has hurt me . 

Wow! If I was told by a MM that he was taking his wife to a resort I would truly say have fub and don't talk to me again. Sorry but ge sounds like a tool.  

[BaileyB]

Davina, why don’t you use these three weeks as an opportunity to go no contact. Send him a message saying that you have decided this relationship is over - wish him well and then block him from your phone. Done - you don’t have to listen to his excuses when he returns and you won’t get sucked into the “vacation that he really wanted to take…”

[Davina1]

15 hours ago, Myabee said:

Wow! If I was told by a MM that he was taking his wife to a resort I would truly say have fub and don't talk to me again. Sorry but ge sounds like a tool.  

I wish I had at the time 

[Davina1]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Davina, why don’t you use these three weeks as an opportunity to go no contact. Send him a message saying that you have decided this relationship is over - wish him well and then block him from your phone. Done - you don’t have to listen to his excuses when he returns and you won’t get sucked into the “vacation that he really wanted to take…”

Lol do you mean didn’t want to take .  Well I haven’t been in contact with him .  I said I wasn’t going to be on end of phone screen to keep him occupied.  Bailey I’m pretty certain it’s over now anyway from my point of view . I can’t have an affair with someone who care and loves their wife like he says he does ( but of course how can he if he’s talking to me )  . I’m not able for it . 
 

I am doing ok at the moment . Off for another little trip myself and 3 dinner dates planned . 
 

Affairs should be avoided at all costs I wish I had off had the smarts and cop on to not have been sucked into one 

[Prudence V]

25 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

I wish I had at the time 

It’s not too late. Set an auto reply on your email so that if he contacts you, he gets a message which says “hope you had fun, don’t contact me again.”

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

Lol do you mean didn’t want to take .

Yes, sorry for the typo.

You would know better than me, but I would suggest that there is a big difference between not contacting the man and telling him that it’s over and blocking him/losing his contact information. 

I hope you are truly done with him… forgive me if I’m sceptical, it feels a little like you are angry with him but still waiting for his return - 

Edited August 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[Davina1]

Bailey I am done but it’s easier said than done . I don’t want to just cut him off as there is a long history and a family connection so I need to be careful . He will respect my decision I think even though he won’t be happy . 
 

he is sending me messages which I haven’t responded too . 
I am  angry yes but more sad that he has someone who he does love to go away with and who equally loved being with him . 
it makes me feel lonely , I think when we became close I thought he would fill a void . And perhaps for a while he did . If our situations were similar it would not matter but they are different. He loves someone else and admits he enjoys being with her    I can’t be a party to that anymore . 

I have thought about this a lot and I need to tell him it’s over and why . I am not sure how or when but I know me feeling sad is so unhealthy for me . He is out having a great time and I’m pretending on the outside to myself that I’m fine but I’m not really.  

Im not cut out to live like this .  I will finish this in my own time but not by message while he is on vacation.  

[glows]

I don't see why you have to provide a reason. I would think it's glaringly obvious your reasons for saying "It's best we go our separate ways." Keep it simple. Leave the heavylifting and closure and work you need to do private. He has no business knowing what you think or what you feel. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, glows said:

I don't see why you have to provide a reason. I would think it's glaringly obvious your reasons for saying "It's best we go our separate ways." Keep it simple. Leave the heavylifting and closure and work you need to do private. He has no business knowing what you think or what you feel. 

You don’t owe him any explanation. A simple, “I’ve decided that this isn’t working for me anymore” should more than suffice. 

[Myabee]

On 8/3/2021 at 10:48 AM, solostand said:

At least mine pretended he didn't love his wife and pretended he was going to leave his marriage. I was partial to bad acting back then.  He's still with her, many years later, BTW, and they are going to celebrate 43 years of marriage soon, ha ha.

 

Mine the same way. And yes... i hear you on the bad acting.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Davina1 said:

I need to tell him it’s over and why

"It's over because you are married."

[Alfano]

You could tell him, "It's over because I finally found my self respect and I'm going to look for a guy who doesn't sleep with his wife every night and take her on vacations"

 

[Amethyst68]

You had a previous thread which ended with the same decision. I think it was in April, but obviously you either didn't do it or it didn't stick. 

Do you think you'll have the strength to keep NC this time? Have you thought about how you'll stop yourself from responding to him?