What happened?

[fomerlyniceguy]

OK here it goes. My wife and I have been together a little over 5 years, been married for almost 4 years. She had a son from a previous relationship that I Love very much. Over the last year or more we seemed to be going down hill. I tried very hard to be a good husband and father. Many times during the relationship she, when making big decisions, she would say "What if it doesn't work out". I would always say hey whatever comes up we will handle.

 

Many times over the course of our realtionship she woudl want to go out with the girls to happy hour or whatever. I wouldn't mind, but she would end up coming home like 3 or 4 in the morning. I would get mad she would say "sorry I was just having a good time I guess time got away from me". I would eventually forgive her then later down the road she would do it again. Each time I would forgive.

 

She became good friends with a woman at work and invited her to her lunch with friends on Friday. This woman lived close to us and was married and we all went out a few times. Her husband was not a very nice guy, but we kept it cordial. Well people started asking her about this womans relationship with one of the other employees and my wife told them nothing was going on.

 

My wife says one night that she is going on a girls night out, by this time I say fine but I know what it's going to be like. Come to find out this guy and my wifes friend ARE having an affair. My wife did not know or had very recently found out. Of course she was out till 2 o'clock in the morning. She came home crying saying that it had really affected her she was sorry that she feels like she was never really committed to our relationship and she wanted to change. That she loved me and didn't want to lose me. Great Right?

 

The next weekend we planned a special trip and went out of town to reconnect. It was a nice weekend, holding hands, laughing, Kissing, etc. I thought maybe we were on a new path. By this time her friend had already told her husband she wanted a divorce and had moved out.

 

The next week after our special weekend she said she was going to stop after work and have a drink and check on her. She ended up coming in 6 hours later at 11:30 that night. I was furious. I didn't talk to her and went to work. I got an email later saying that she was going to stay at her mom's house over the weekend. I told her that was fine, if that was what she felt she needed to do.

 

Quite a few times I had suggested marriage counceling and she said yeah we should do that, but never did. When she came home she said yeah let's go to a councelor. So we went. He did an individual session with her first. After it was over she came home and told me she wanted a divorce. She said she didn't Love me anymore, and can't go on with the marriage.

 

She had said she was unhappy before but could never elaborate. What I heard was you are not being a good enough husband. So I tried harder doing more than my share always trying to be understanding. It never got any better. She has always bounced from relationship to relationship. She had someone else in mind before ending the one she was in. She says she is tired of doing that, and not sure what will satisfy her. She said if she wanted to be married right now she would only want to be married to me. Unfortunetly, she doesn't and says she wats to be on her own(with my stepson) and feel like she is making it on her own. She said that I came across as needy sometimes and I did, but sometimes it is hard not to when it feels like someone has one foot out the door. Of course she says she still wants to be friends and and that who knows what will happen in the future. I would almost say to h*** with that but I do want to keep my stepson in my life.

 

I am working on myself now going to the gym, connecting with old friends, taking up hobbies and seeing a councelor. For some reason I still have hope for though. I can't explain it.

 

Anyone have any good advice?

[Scott S]

So she has bounced from one man to the next, unsure of what will satisfy her. She has opposed counseling. Now she is keeping extensive company with a woman.

 

Have you considered the possibilty that she is a lesbian, or perhaps "Bi-curious?"

[fomerlyniceguy]

Yeah should could be but has never shown any tendencies towards that. She seems like she wants to be alone. Not sure what's going on. She has no desire to me in with girl or anything and the friendship seems normal.

[Devildog]

Odd that after seeing a marriage counselor she would suddenly decide she doesn't want to work on the marriage and wants a divorce right away. sounds like that counsellor needs his/her license taken away.

 

I also can't help but wonder if there is a "follow the leader" kind of mentality going on here. Her friend is getting a divorce, has an opportunity to be single and free. Perhaps that has some influence on your wife? With my situation there were so many variables I lost count, but one of her friends at work had just left her husband, and my XW and her friend from work started spending alot of time together shortly before my XW brought up the separation that ended with a divorce. Just makes me wonder if they are somewhat jealous of the free and single lifestyle that their friends suddenly have.

 

Based on your wife's propensity to go out with the girls and stumble home at 2 a.m. I think it might be a situation where your wife just wasn't really ready to settle down. As she has a child this is a very immature attitude to have.

 

You are in a tough spot with the step son situation. Legally, you have no claims to visitation or anything. So your only option to have a relationship with him is at the discretion of your wife. She might allow that, but it would most likely be her using you as a babysitter so she can go out and play the party girl role. And eventually she will meet another man and you will end up being squeezed out anyway in favor of the new guy.

 

Advice? Keep doing what you are doing. Focus on yourself. It will show her you are not clingy or dependent on her for your happiness. It also helps you get back to being the person you were when you first met your wife. You know, the guy she was attracted to and fell in love with.

[fomerlyniceguy]

I most definetly think you are right about the follow the leader role. It's very weird though. My wife encouraged hr friend to leave her husband. I know for a fact she had discussed leaving me with her friend. Of course her friend encouraged that also. Telling her great it would be to be single together, etc. I am sure that had a lot of bearing on it. I have always heard that divorce is contagious.

 

By the way I am reading a book called,"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. If anyone is a guy like me that was always doing for someone else, take a look at the book. It really is helping me reclaim myself.

[Woggle]

Just get on with your life. Women do this all the time and that is all you can do really. When you date again never date a woman with a friend like that and you know what I mean..