Affair with a coworker

[Anna05]

It started 1.5 years ago. At first as close friends more as an emotional affair, and than suddenly it happened physically. It was  the best thing that has ever happened to me. But, I'm married i have a child. Things later got so complicated at work, my husband find out... he has forgiven me. But things in our marriage are not as were previously. I cant forget this man, i see him every day. Also his family found out, he is single by the way. They are very angry and forbidden him every contact with me. He keeps calling me, talking to me at work, says he loves me. When once I asked him, if I leave my husband would you be with me.... he escaped the question without giving specific answer to it.He just keeps asking how are thing between you and your husband... I cant understand this man.

I would be grateful if someone tries to give me some advice, because i feel terrible.... I don't know how to continue with my life.

[stillafool]

How old are you, your husband and affair partner?  How long have you been married?  Did your husband confront him after you were caught?

[Anna05]

We are all between 35-38. Yes he confronted him, married for 9 years.

[ItsTheDay]

2 hours ago, Anna05 said:

It started 1.5 years ago. At first as close friends more as an emotional affair, and than suddenly it happened physically. It was  the best thing that has ever happened to me. But, I'm married i have a child. Things later got so complicated at work, my husband find out... he has forgiven me. But things in our marriage are not as were previously. I cant forget this man, i see him every day. Also his family found out, he is single by the way. They are very angry and forbidden him every contact with me. He keeps calling me, talking to me at work, says he loves me. When once I asked him, if I leave my husband would you be with me.... he escaped the question without giving specific answer to it.He just keeps asking how are thing between you and your husband... I cant understand this man.

I would be grateful if someone tries to give me some advice, because i feel terrible.... I don't know how to continue with my life.

I don't know what your marriage is like but, it can't that bad if you still go home to your husband. It sounds like you need to stop trying to understand this other man and try to understand yourself.  

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Anna05 said:

When once I asked him, if I leave my husband would you be with me.... he escaped the question without giving specific answer to it.

The answer is no.  He enjoys the sneak around sex and that's it.  If you are still in love with him don't try to hold onto your husband because you will be found out again and next time someone could get hurt or worse.  If you want to give your marriage a chance to work you need to quit that job and find another and block OM from contact.  Until you do that you are playing with fire and will lose everything in the end.  OM will not be there to pick you up.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Anna05 said:

once I asked him, if I leave my husband would you be with me.... he escaped the question without giving specific answer to it.

He wants someone who doesn't need much, doesn't expect much, doesn't want a commitment and is easy pickings such as coworker, unhappily married, etc. Basically he wants easy no hassles or mess. He also knows there's a built-in end. So don't pour your heart into this. That's why he's so eely.

[HappilyMarried]

15 hours ago, Anna05 said:

When once I asked him, if I leave my husband would you be with me

Does your husband @Anna05 know you are still talking to this man about your relationship and you are still asking him questions like this after you and your AP have been outed? I think maybe your husband needs to be the one asking you that question and if you still acting like this with your AP he needs to make your decision for you I am afraid. If you want to save your marriage you need to cut off all communication with your AP and focus on your marriage. If you don't not really sure why you are here. Best of luck!

[Anna05]

I have already put my heart into this stupid affair. Tried to stop it for many times. He is so assertive, when I'm at work he comes at my office, follows me on the lunch break if I'm alone and talks to me. At the moment I don't have the opportunity to change my job.

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Anna05 said:

, when I'm at work he comes at my office, follows me on the lunch break if I'm alone and talks to me. 

Stop encouraging it or own it that you want the affair to continue.

You don't have to change jobs. You have to get divorced and be single so you can date.

[pepperbird2]

4 hours ago, Anna05 said:

I have already put my heart into this stupid affair. Tried to stop it for many times. He is so assertive, when I'm at work he comes at my office, follows me on the lunch break if I'm alone and talks to me. At the moment I don't have the opportunity to change my job.

Then cart your behind on down to your company's human resources department. To me, this is bordering on harassment.

In your shoes, if you REALLY want to affair to be over, prepare an email where you explicitly state you want no further contact and what the consequences will be for him shoudl he ignore your request. Send a BCC to yourself as well, as that way, you'll have a record of your actions.

I would also try to stop figuring this guy out. There's not much to figure. He found a woman who was fine having no strings attached sex etc., but now, all of sudden, you're attaching strings. He's likely also getting a thrill out of feeling like he can dominate and harass you.


 

Edited July 29, 2021 by pepperbird2

[BaileyB]

On 7/28/2021 at 7:27 AM, Anna05 said:

It was the best thing that has ever happened to me.

That’s a frightening statement to make. 

You placed your trust in someone that you should never have trusted, considering that he does not want to have a legitimate relationship with you (he failed to answer when you asked him bluntly) and it almost cost you your marriage, your family, potentially your job. 

If you haven’t found a counsellor yet, I would suggest that you make the call this week. 

Don’t mistake the fact that he continues to come around for signs of interest or even love. He is failing to respect your boundary, I agree that this is harassment. If you want to end the affair, I would send him an email threatening consequences and I would be prepared to enforce them. 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, HappilyMarried said:

Does your husband know you are still talking to this man about your relationship and you are still asking him questions like this after you and your AP have been outed?

This is a good question. 

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

Do you still have sex with your husband?

Have you and your husband been checked for STD's?

[Timshel]

On 7/28/2021 at 8:27 AM, Anna05 said:

Also his family found out, he is single by the way. They are very angry and forbidden him every contact with me.

This relationship has no future, even if you became single. His family would not allow it because they already know how your relationship started. It also seems there may be a cultural/religious aspect at play.

Tell him to stay away from you. If he doesn't, go to your HR and report him.

Seek counseling for yourself so that you can have some support and sort out what you want for yourself with privacy.

[glows]

On 7/28/2021 at 5:27 AM, Anna05 said:

It started 1.5 years ago. At first as close friends more as an emotional affair, and than suddenly it happened physically. It was  the best thing that has ever happened to me. But, I'm married i have a child. Things later got so complicated at work, my husband find out... he has forgiven me. But things in our marriage are not as were previously. I cant forget this man, i see him every day. Also his family found out, he is single by the way. They are very angry and forbidden him every contact with me. He keeps calling me, talking to me at work, says he loves me. When once I asked him, if I leave my husband would you be with me.... he escaped the question without giving specific answer to it.He just keeps asking how are thing between you and your husband... I cant understand this man.

I would be grateful if someone tries to give me some advice, because i feel terrible.... I don't know how to continue with my life.

It'll take work to rebuild the trust in your marriage. The coworker has no business knowing about your personal life/marriage so don't mention anything about your private life. He shouldn't be harassing you like that so shut it down. People like this need the attention and crave it especially where it is forbidden or where they shouldn't be getting that attention. Treat him as someone who is disrespectful to you, your marriage and your career. The reason why he won't give you any specific answers is because he can't. He hardly knows who he is himself because he's latching onto other people and their lives like a parasite. You have to move on and trust your instincts on this. 

If you don't understand him, there's a reason. You can't. And you don't have to. Make the decision not to and move on with your life. 

[mark clemson]

On 7/28/2021 at 5:27 AM, Anna05 said:

It was the best thing that has ever happened to me. But, I'm married i have a child. 

...

He keeps calling me, talking to me at work, says he loves me.

Hmm.  There's a quote "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

If you still want to be in your marriage, you may want to take that to heart and give up the OM. If your husband finds out about this ongoing contact, that might be the end. Certainly it won't help matters.

If you really don't care about your marriage, then perhaps it doesn't matter. However, based on his waffling on the question of whether he'd be with you if you leave your marriage - well, I'd say his professing to love you may not matter that much. It's more or less pillow talk unless he's actually interested in the same things you are (ie, a life together).

Doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for you, etc, but there are many in this world who are "commitment-phobes" etc. It's possible that, for whatever reasons, he likes you best just as you are (married to someone else). Your child may have something to do with this, as many men simply have little interest in raising someone else's child.** Doesn't mean he won't engage (clearly he's interested in that), but it does sound likely it'd only continue as an affair, probably NOT a full relationship.

 

** That's not a judgement on my part BTW, just stating a fact - it's simply how some men are.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/28/2021 at 2:27 PM, Anna05 said:

When once I asked him, if I leave my husband would you be with me.... he escaped the question

Then you have your answer. And the answer is no. 

What is the reason you aren't leaving your husband of your own volition? It is clear you do not want to be married to him, so what is stopping you from ending it?

[Anna05]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then you have your answer. And the answer is no. 

What is the reason you aren't leaving your husband of your own volition? It is clear you do not want to be married to him, so what is stopping you from ending it?

The reason is he is the father of my child, my support to everything. I'm scared to be alone and leave my child growing without his father which he loves so much.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/28/2021 at 8:27 AM, Anna05 said:

. It was  the best thing that has ever happened to me. But, I'm married i have a child. 

Sounds like he is just an escape from a bad marriage and the tedium of being a working mother.

It's like your own soap opera to escape the reality of a dull unfulfilling life.

When you reframe and reflect, you'll see it's not about him, it's about the rest of what's going on. 

[Anna05]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like he is just an escape from a bad marriage and the tedium of being a working mother.

It's like your own soap opera to escape the reality of a dull unfulfilling life.

When you reframe and reflect, you'll see it's not about him, it's about the rest of what's going on. 

Me and my husband are very different, I still don't know how we end up together. I;m sociable person who likes to go out with friends, not to get me wrong I would prefer with my family and other friend's family. My husband has so little friends, never makes some arrangements with somebody.... Never go out with a friend. In the last years we have lost a lot of the contacts... I feel so bored and lonely in my marriage. 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Anna05 said:

 I feel so bored and lonely in my marriage. 

Is divorce allowed in your culture? Is this an arranged marriage?

You're going to hurt a lot of people doing what you are doing and with no positive results except temporary escapism.

"He's the best thing that ever happened". Think about that. What are you going to tell your kids one day. A roll in the hay meant more to me than you?

Get divorced, you've got nothing to lose. Your marriage is dead.

If you are depressed, see a physician. That could play a role in why you are trying to fix things by breaking them.

 

 

Edited July 30, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Anna05]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is divorce allowed in your culture? Is this an arranged marriage?

You're going to hurt a lot of people doing what you are doing and with no positive results except temporary escalating.

"He's the best thing that ever happened". Think about that. What are you going to tell your kids one day. A roll in the hey meant more to me than you?

Get divorced, you've got nothing to lose. Your marriage is dead.

If you are depressed, see a physician. That could play a role in why you are trying to fix things by breaking them.

 

 

Of course a divorce  is allowed, it is a normal thing. There is no arranged marriages here, at least i have never heard of it. I was  in love with him when we got married.

You are right I;m depressed, maybe I should ask for help. He's the best thing that ever happened".- this was meant about  man and relationship, there is difference between this and the birth of child and mothers love.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Anna05 said:

The reason is he is the father of my child, my support to everything. I'm scared to be alone and leave my child growing without his father which he loves so much.

And yet what you are doing could blow up your family anyway. 

You’re already risking losing your safety net, OP, and fracturing your family forever. 

Divorce also doesn’t have to mean growing up without his father. Why would it? Plenty of divorced couples share custody. 
 

[Donnas]

Affairs are never ok.

And sure not at work. You will lose your job in most cases if you date at work. Because you both will mess up the vibe at work.

Reading this i see everyone is upset and is towards stopping this cause they see how bad it is.

But not you. You are not taking any responsibility to see it was wrong and it needs to ends. And you did some damage that you need to work on fixing with your hubby for sure.

It seems like you still seeking a solution to keep the affair going. And are concerned about losing affair, instead of worried about losing your hubby.😳🙁

Haven't all of this cause many people around you pain?Why it needs to continue and cost more pain.??

-Sure the coworkers wife should be mad.wouldnt you ?

-If you still got your job you are lucky.

-Your hubby ddnt leave you yet, you are lucky.

It could have end very bad also. So you are getting a second chance to stop this without losing much.But you are taking it for granted.

Seek counseling and work on your selfesteem and marriage. Your hubby is your responsibility and should be the only man who gets your priority.

Affairs are always based on lust and just for a bit of fun. Its not love! This coworker is done with it. Stop seek him. Go home to your hubby and seek a therapist work on your personal issues and marriage. Block the coworker.

And change job!

[Anna05]

I have blocked this other man from all social network yesterday. He tried to call me, he is on a holiday right now, I ignored him. I read all your coments they were very useful for me to make this decision. Everything that was written i have known it deeply in my heart, but it was difficult for me admit. I would ask for a support of all you not to be weak and forget the other man, without any regret to my decision.