Affair with a coworker

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Anna05 said:

The reason is he is the father of my child, my support to everything. I'm scared to be alone and leave my child growing without his father which he loves so much.

And yet what you are doing could blow up your family anyway. 

You’re already risking losing your safety net, OP, and fracturing your family forever. 

Divorce also doesn’t have to mean growing up without his father. Why would it? Plenty of divorced couples share custody. 
 

[Donnas]

Affairs are never ok.

And sure not at work. You will lose your job in most cases if you date at work. Because you both will mess up the vibe at work.

Reading this i see everyone is upset and is towards stopping this cause they see how bad it is.

But not you. You are not taking any responsibility to see it was wrong and it needs to ends. And you did some damage that you need to work on fixing with your hubby for sure.

It seems like you still seeking a solution to keep the affair going. And are concerned about losing affair, instead of worried about losing your hubby.😳🙁

Haven't all of this cause many people around you pain?Why it needs to continue and cost more pain.??

-Sure the coworkers wife should be mad.wouldnt you ?

-If you still got your job you are lucky.

-Your hubby ddnt leave you yet, you are lucky.

It could have end very bad also. So you are getting a second chance to stop this without losing much.But you are taking it for granted.

Seek counseling and work on your selfesteem and marriage. Your hubby is your responsibility and should be the only man who gets your priority.

Affairs are always based on lust and just for a bit of fun. Its not love! This coworker is done with it. Stop seek him. Go home to your hubby and seek a therapist work on your personal issues and marriage. Block the coworker.

And change job!

[Anna05]

I have blocked this other man from all social network yesterday. He tried to call me, he is on a holiday right now, I ignored him. I read all your coments they were very useful for me to make this decision. Everything that was written i have known it deeply in my heart, but it was difficult for me admit. I would ask for a support of all you not to be weak and forget the other man, without any regret to my decision.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Rather than focusing on missing the OM, shift your attention back to your marriage. 

You will always be tempted to cheat if you don’t address your unhappiness with your husband. The OM is a symptom of a bigger problem. 

[usa1ah]

5 hours ago, Anna05 said:

The reason is he is the father of my child, my support to everything. I'm scared to be alone and leave my child growing without his father which he loves so much.

You aren’t leaving your husband because the other man won’t leave his wife for you. 
 

You did ask him if he would right? He wouldn’t answer the question and changed the subject if I remember what you already posted. 
 

Give your husband that you don’t care about a divorce and split custody of your child 50/50 with his father. 
 

Who has been taking care of your son when your off f***ing your lover?

 

You can’t fix anything until you grow up and fix yourself. See a therapist to get your head straight. If you can’t or won’t, give your husband custody and divorce then go have your fun. 

[usa1ah]

4 hours ago, Anna05 said:

Of course a divorce  is allowed, it is a normal thing. There is no arranged marriages here, at least i have never heard of it. I was  in love with him when we got married.

You are right I;m depressed, maybe I should ask for help. He's the best thing that ever happened".- this was meant about  man and relationship, there is difference between this and the birth of child and mothers love.

You were never in love with your husband. He was just a stable man you married then stabbed him in the back. 

[stillafool]

On 7/28/2021 at 8:27 AM, Anna05 said:

It was  the best thing that has ever happened to me.

It's interesting that you chose the OM as the best thing that has ever happened to you rather than the birth of your child.  You should divorce your husband and let him have custody of the child with visitation rights for you.  This way you can chase after OM as much as you want without hurting anyone.  Let your husband be free to find a loyal, loving wife who will support him.

[Harry Korsnes]

Ok.

So you leave your husband for the guy you think is the man of your dreams. And when you find out the Gras is'nt greener then you'le cheat on him. 

You need therapy.

[glows]

6 hours ago, Anna05 said:

Of course a divorce  is allowed, it is a normal thing. There is no arranged marriages here, at least i have never heard of it. I was  in love with him when we got married.

You are right I;m depressed, maybe I should ask for help. He's the best thing that ever happened".- this was meant about  man and relationship, there is difference between this and the birth of child and mothers love.

There’s no shame in seeking help or support. You may feel stuck now and unable to move forwards but you will feel stronger with the right support. 

I’m glad you are choosing to focus on your marriage. The OM communications have to stop completely. If he asks questions about your marriage or personal life, reply on generic terms. “Very well, thank you. And you? How was your weekend?” Give him an opening to talk about himself and don’t answer anything related to your home life.

Edited July 30, 2021 by glows

[pepperbird2]

8 hours ago, Anna05 said:

The reason is he is the father of my child, my support to everything. I'm scared to be alone and leave my child growing without his father which he loves so much.

So, in effect, you are forcing your spouse, without his consent or knowledge, to pay the price for your fear and inertia?
In the end, your spouse and child will pay the heaviest price for this. I now that's not what you want, but it's the reality. You have had all the time in. the world to square all this away in your mind and make it all okay. They have not. In effect, you are not just cheating on your spouse, you are cheating on your whole family. I'm not getting the vibe from you that, deep down, you feel good about that.
What price will you pay? Is whatever you were getting from the affair worth the heartache to your husband, your child, yourself?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

What price will you pay? Is whatever you were getting from the affair worth the heartache to your husband, your child, yourself?

This is what people who chose to enter an affair don't realize.  They are putting their children' security and home in jeopary for their own selfish purpose.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

So, in effect, you are forcing your spouse, without his consent or knowledge, to pay the price for your fear and inertia?

Like so many, she stays in her marriage because it’s in her best interest to stay.

Interestingly, when you consider the decision to cheat from her perspective, she also cheats on her husband because it’s in her best interest to cheat. 

Edited July 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

Of course if she divorces her child must live in a broken home. Possibly be raised half the time by the xH's new GF (an unknown factor). So it's better for the kid to stay.

Does the husband WANT to divorce? If he really doesn't, it's better for him (from his perspective so far as he knows) as well.

And the OM apparently doesn't want her full time. So it's better for both her and the OM.

Seems like it's better for everyone. Leaving now would make zero sense, rationally at least, and be putting her own emotional desires (to have a more exciting partner) over the needs of her child (to be with their father and have a stable family environment).

Not fair to the husband IF the affair actually even continues (not clear at this point). But she would be taking the risk of all this damage to her family, rather than actually causing it by divorcing preemptively. And if the husband STILL wanted to stay together even after a repeat (not likely but possible), still better (for her and the kid) than divorcing.

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Of course if she divorces her child must live in a broken home.

Indeed. Because now, he lives in a home where his parents are disconnected, his mother is depressed and pines over a man who does not want her, and stays out because she is scared to be alone. What’s more, she continues to be in contact with her affair partner and is at high risk for infidelity.

I’m not saying they should divorce. He has the information that she cheated and he decided to stay together. I respect that decision. I’m just saying, the home this child lives in now doesn’t seem like a happy, healthy place. How can you unequivocally say that it’s better for the kid to stay?

14 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

But she would be taking the risk of all this damage to her family, rather than actually causing it by divorcing preemptively.

I would say that she has already risked. She has actually already caused damage - to herself, to her husband, to her family. 

Divorce is just one option as this families decides how to move forward. But, the damage has already been done. 

Edited July 31, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

^^ I don't know about unequivocally, but I can certainly say it's better in general because there are MANY homes that have some level of dysfunction. It's always cheating that has some folks around here so worried, but in fact there are plenty of mildly dysfunctional and/or disconnected parenting situations out there. Money worries, "intense" focus on hobbies, non-catastrophic mental illnesses, argumentative parents, demanding jobs. It's certainly not ideal, but that's life. Are you going to suggest that all these folks divorce as well??  It's the solution to every problem? If not, then why here (other than personal bias about cheating).

Since we are conjecturing about degree of dysfunction, I think there are very likely some workaholic parents out there than are far worse parents in terms of disconnect than anything described above. I don't think too many licensed professional marriage counselors are suggesting divorce as a solution to make the family healthier and a better environment for the kid, though. Maybe in the most extreme cases, but IMO this is simply not that extreme a case.

To your second point, there has certainly been some damage done by the affair.

Edited July 31, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

On 7/30/2021 at 7:08 AM, Anna05 said:

I have blocked this other man from all social network yesterday.

Excellent. When you rip off the band aid you can address real solutions to the unhappiness and despair in your marriage and feeling like a bored worn down working mother.

You may not be able to change or fix your marriage or husband. That's up to you.

However you can do something to help with depression, anxiety and feeling stuck and joyless by getting to a physician for an evaluation and a therapist to unpack and sort out some issues.

Sort out why your life went off course and where. 

 

 

[Beentheretoooften]

On 7/30/2021 at 8:17 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

 

Rather than focusing on missing the OM, shift your attention back to your marriage. 

 

 

So so so easy to say.  It’s human nature to Miss and focus on the Fun A.  Nobody ever Fully and truly recovers from an A. This is my opinion of course. And I believe one can heal 90+% even 99.  Never 100. And some some cases barely Heal.  I think for her to be able to expect to do that right now is futile

[Asc1226]

Find a new job. Get the books Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Get into therapy with someone who has experience treating infidelity to figure out why you gave yourself permission to cheat. If you’re not interested in doing this to commit to your marriage and family the please divorce your husband with generous terms. If you’re also not interested in doing this to be a better partner in the future then please limit your relationships to those that do not require fidelity. 

[Daisydooks]

On 7/30/2021 at 3:44 AM, Anna05 said:

The reason is he is the father of my child, my support to everything. I'm scared to be alone and leave my child growing without his father which he loves so much.

There is it. Your support to everything.  Yet that wasnt important while screwing someone else? If he was honestly your support to EVERY THING, why would you risk that? Ugh. You need to get real and honest with yourself. 

 "Your support to everything" didn't matter while you were in your affair. 

What stupid world do you live in? Where does this happen? Divorce doesn't mean your child doesnt have a father anymore. Wtf. In fact, in a lot of places, fathers are getting 50%/50% custody of their children and should. So lets put that nonsense to rest. I think it is amazing fathers are getting more and more equal time with their kids and it sounds like his priorities are just fine.  Its yours that are skewed. 

Divorce means you get a job *if you dont have one* and have to support yourself and be a single mother who coparents. Lets be real here. The first step to fixing this is being honest. A Divorce for you means the gravy train stops where your chrade is up, you pay your own way in life, you have to support yourself emotionally, physically,  financially, etc., and you dont have two men fawning over you. 

Lets call a spade a spade here. Be honest with yourself. For once. What do you want? You have zero respect at all for your husband. So divorce him ffs. If you want the OM so bad, go be with him. But do so properly 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/30/2021 at 3:16 PM, usa1ah said:

You aren’t leaving your husband because the other man won’t leave his wife for you.

The OM is single, OP says. 

But he still dodged her question about whether he'd be with her if she left her husband. So, the answer was the same - he's not interested in actually dating her, essentially. 

[ItsTheDay]

On 7/29/2021 at 8:37 AM, pepperbird2 said:

Then cart your behind on down to your company's human resources department. To me, this is bordering on harassment.

In your shoes, if you REALLY want to affair to be over, prepare an email where you explicitly state you want no further contact and what the consequences will be for him shoudl he ignore your request. Send a BCC to yourself as well, as that way, you'll have a record of your actions.

I would also try to stop figuring this guy out. There's not much to figure. He found a woman who was fine having no strings attached sex etc., but now, all of sudden, you're attaching strings. He's likely also getting a thrill out of feeling like he can dominate and harass you.


 

I think this is a bytch move and for all we know, his talking to her could be civil and nothing to do with their affair. Bordering on harassment? Remember, she spread her legs for this guy. 

Edited August 2, 2021 by ItsTheDay

[usa1ah]

On 7/28/2021 at 8:27 AM, Anna05 said:

He keeps calling me, talking to me at work, says he loves me. When once I asked him, if I leave my husband would you be with me.... he escaped the question without giving specific answer to it.He just keeps asking how are thing between you and your husband... I cant understand this man.

This is what he said. I miss quoted what was said. He wouldn’t go against his family and marry her

Edited August 2, 2021 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The OM is single, OP says. 

But he still dodged her question about whether he'd be with her if she left her husband. So, the answer was the same - he's not interested in actually dating her, essentially. 

Is that better?

[pepperbird2]

7 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

I think this is a bytch move and for all we know, his talking to her could be civil and nothing to do with their affair. Bordering on harassment? Remember, she spread her legs for this guy. 

I don't care if she had sex with him in public on the top of the CN Tower. The OP indicated she tried to end the affair, but he kept pursuing her. If she said "no", that means no.

[ItsTheDay]

8 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

I don't care if she had sex with him in public on the top of the CN Tower. The OP indicated she tried to end the affair, but he kept pursuing her. If she said "no", that means no.

And she also asked him if she left her husband we he take her. The OP is clearly messed up in the head, so yeah it would be a bytch move going to HR and risking this guys job because of her/their actions.