Kind of happily married!

[Helenarigby]

Iv been married for fifty years, I won't say it's been plain sailing, let's say it's been a challenge for me! The reason is because my husband is selfish in every way, and we are very different. I am happy go lucky, I would love to go out travelling, eat out occasionally or meet with friends of which we don't have many because we just don't mix much. I'm not the sort to argue or insist we go out for meals or travel because I wouldn't enjoy it knowing that he didn't want to be there. We have a little dog whom we both love very much and unfortunately he uses him as an excuse! Or his COPD!

I have learned to live with it over the years and now I feel unloved and lonely. We don't do much after dark so to speak in fact it's almost non existent. We don't touch each other, we never kiss or embrace....the only enjoyment I get is my cross stitch and hobbies. If I didn't have them I don't know what I'd do.

Anyway, here is the point of this post. I have had an admirer for about eight years, he is a lovely guy and seems to show up whenever I'm out and about, shopping etc. He tells me how much he loves me and wants me to go for a coffee with him. I'm a fairly attractive woman and in good shape and I do enjoy his attention however, I have resisted because I am very loyal to my husband but now, suddenly I feel that perhaps I should take the love he's offering.

The problem is I'm scared of what the outcome might be, what my kids would think if ever they found out! I have a question in my heart and mind, like 'Why shouldn't I be loved like other women" any advice please would be appreciated.

Edited July 29, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Gumbeaux41]

Helen, I really dont have any advice, I am really interested in what others have to say. On face value I would say pursue your happiness. But it is A LOT easier said than done. There is a lot of factors that weigh in. 

[glows]

I think you ought to make a more concerted effort in your marriage and be more vocal. The easy way out is to fall for another man who ignores the fact that you’re married (a glaring red flag).

If all else fails and you cannot see eye to eye with your selfish husband then separate, divorce and straighten yourself out before being with another person. I’m divorced, married a divorced man, so I can tell you first hand there is no shame in it if it’s irreconcilable but do it right.

[NYAG]

10 hours ago, Helenarigby said:

Iv been married for fifty years, I won't say it's been plain sailing, let's say it's been a challenge for me! The reason is because my husband is selfish in every way, and we are very different. I am happy go lucky, I would love to go out travelling, eat out occasionally or meet with friends of which we don't have many because we just don't mix much. I'm not the sort to argue or insist we go out for meals or travel because I wouldn't enjoy it knowing that he didn't want to be there. We have a little dog whom we both love very much and unfortunately he uses him as an excuse! Or his COPD! I have learned to live with it over the years and now I feel unloved and lonely. We don't do much after dark so to speak in fact it's almost non existent. We don't touch each other, we never kiss or embrace....the only enjoyment I get is my cross stitch and hobbies. If I didn't have them I don't know what I'd do. Anyway, here is the point of this post. I have had an admirer for about eight years, he is a lovely guy and seems to show up whenever I'm out and about, shopping etc. He tells me how much he loves me and wants me to go for a coffee with him. I'm a fairly attractive woman and in good shape and I do enjoy his attention however, I have resisted because I am very loyal to my husband but now, suddenly I feel that perhaps I should take the love he's offering. The problem is I'm scared of what the outcome might be, what my kids would think if ever they found out! I have a question in my heart and mind, like 'Why shouldn't I be loved like other women" any advice please would be appreciated.

My question is, where has that loyalty to your husband got you? There is nothing worse  than looking back at your life with regret and wondering what you should have done rather than what you did. Noone will thank you for wasting your life on someone who did not love you or appreciate you or try to enrich your life. Go....run for the hills.....explore what your admirer is offering. That's what I would do and I have had to leave more than one relationship where I was treated like s***. I never regretted leaving, I would always have regretted staying.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Helenarigby said:

Iv been married for fifty years,  unfortunately he uses him as an excuse! Or his COPD.

Are you both retired? It's tough growing old with someone when one's health deteriorates faster than the other's.

Make friends, have coffee with people and try to get counseling regarding your husband's poor health and how limiting that is.

[pepperbird2]

13 hours ago, Helenarigby said:

Iv been married for fifty years, I won't say it's been plain sailing, let's say it's been a challenge for me! The reason is because my husband is selfish in every way, and we are very different. I am happy go lucky, I would love to go out travelling, eat out occasionally or meet with friends of which we don't have many because we just don't mix much. I'm not the sort to argue or insist we go out for meals or travel because I wouldn't enjoy it knowing that he didn't want to be there. We have a little dog whom we both love very much and unfortunately he uses him as an excuse! Or his COPD! I have learned to live with it over the years and now I feel unloved and lonely. We don't do much after dark so to speak in fact it's almost non existent. We don't touch each other, we never kiss or embrace....the only enjoyment I get is my cross stitch and hobbies. If I didn't have them I don't know what I'd do. Anyway, here is the point of this post. I have had an admirer for about eight years, he is a lovely guy and seems to show up whenever I'm out and about, shopping etc. He tells me how much he loves me and wants me to go for a coffee with him. I'm a fairly attractive woman and in good shape and I do enjoy his attention however, I have resisted because I am very loyal to my husband but now, suddenly I feel that perhaps I should take the love he's offering. The problem is I'm scared of what the outcome might be, what my kids would think if ever they found out! I have a question in my heart and mind, like 'Why shouldn't I be loved like other women" any advice please would be appreciated.

Sounds very much to me  like you already know what you want to do, but you want permission to do it. You're hoping a bunch of internet strangers will tell you to go full steam ahead.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

14 hours ago, Helenarigby said:

I have a question in my heart and mind, like 'Why shouldn't I be loved like other women" any advice please would be appreciated.

If you've been married 50 years, then you have lived long enough to have some wisdom under your belt. So here is a reminder:

Not all that glitters is gold.

I'm primarily referring to your comment I've quoted, and secondarily to the idea you're considering with this man.

Comparing your situation to others', or how others' situations may appear but not actually be, is a trap that can bring you much pain. Besides, is your motivation based on the 'way other woman are loved' (are you really invested so much in other women's lives to shape your own by them?) -OR- is it that you are really discontented in your marriage?

Let's be clear on the real question so we can get to the right answers. I believe you are discontented in your marriage, so let's look there. What other avenues have you tried to resolve this discontent? Have you expressed it to your husband? What responses did you get? What if you tell him you are considering developing a friendship with a man who seems interested in you? Would husband be ok with it if he has the opportunity to participate in setting some boundaries between you and your friend? Would it motivate your husband to make some compromises so that you could be more content in your marriage?

See, I don't see the problem so much is having the friend as it is getting yourself entangled in a web of lies, deception, and false expectations. So you should be forthcoming with your husband about what is happening in your mind and heart, especially before your body takes action. Try to work something out with him before you unilaterally change your marriage without his knowledge or consent. 

As for your kids, unless they suffer from arrested development, they should be mature enough to have a conversation with you about this. I would first talk with husband, then I would talk to each kid individually (hopefully they won't run to a sibling before you can talk with the sibling). Tell them your thoughts and feelings. Give them a chance to share theirs. Let them know you've heard and considered them. This way, at least you don't spoil your relationships with deception.

I'm not telling you to pursue the friend or not. Rather, I'm telling you to make a decision after you've discussed it with the important people in your life: your husband and kids. 

Not doing so will be a major breach of trust in your relationships with them all from which you may never recover. Some fun and frills is probably not worth that, so be up front and honest!

Also have you considered your expectations from the friend? What you want and don't want from him? Will his expectations match yours? How would you manage if either of your expectations changes during your liaison?

[HappilyMarried]

Hello @Helenarigby

The question is do you just want someone to go places and do things with or are you looking to have an affair with this guy? However, I assume since you have posted this in the infidelity section so i guess you are thinking of more than just a friend. lol If its the first, go out for a coffee with him and see how it goes. I don't see nothing wrong with just that. However if you want or (need) more than that then you need to talk with your husband about your needs and wants and if he will not change then you may need to go your separate ways. Your kids are grown and you should have the chance to live a happy a rewarding twilight days of your life. Best of luck!

Edited July 29, 2021 by HappilyMarried

[Caauug]

On 7/29/2021 at 6:48 AM, Helenarigby said:

The reason is because my husband is selfish in every way,

Is he? What did he do to earn an income to support you and your family though the years? COPD suggests he has not an easy life. 50yrs married so I would hazard a guess he would be nearly 70 now..... I can't write any more as it could be taken as an attack on you, I don't want/mean that.

Human nature or Briffault's Law at play again.... Age doesn't matter.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 hours ago, Caauug said:

Briffault's Law

Thanks for teaching me something new!

[NYAG]

5 hours ago, Caauug said:

Is he? What did he do to earn an income to support you and your family though the years? COPD suggests he has not an easy life. 50yrs married so I would hazard a guess he would be nearly 70 now..... I can't write any more as it could be taken as an attack on you, I don't want/mean that.

Human nature or Briffault's Law at play again.... Age doesn't matter.

Just because he pays for things / everything that doesn't make him a good person to be with or make the rest of his behaviour justified or mean he is right or that everyone else in the family is happy 

[Caauug]

3 hours ago, NYAG said:

Just because he pays for things / everything that doesn't make him a good person to be with or make the rest of his behaviour justified or mean he is right or that everyone else in the family is happy 

I never said that.... I don't know where you are getting that from???

What I am saying: It doesn't matter if he has slugged his guts out on a farm, a steel mill or an under ground mine etc. to support his wife and her children for years destroying his own health to provide for them. His character, kindness, devotion for his wife, his failing health in his twilight years, has no (zero) effect on her actions wanting to find someone to replace him.

That is Briffault's Law. 

You will likely struggle to understand and I can not help you on that. 

[pepperbird2]

To be honest, I never take the words of a potential WS at face value. I'm not saying I think they are lying, but just that they have a vested interest in seeing their marriage in a certain light.
Op, I can' tell you what to do, no one can. The only thing I can say to you is that you can't unwring a bell. If you decide you step out your husband, you can never, ever take that back.
 

[NYAG]

19 hours ago, Caauug said:

I never said that.... I don't know where you are getting that from???

What I am saying: It doesn't matter if he has slugged his guts out on a farm, a steel mill or an under ground mine etc. to support his wife and her children for years destroying his own health to provide for them. His character, kindness, devotion for his wife, his failing health in his twilight years, has no (zero) effect on her actions wanting to find someone to replace him.

That is Briffault's Law. 

You will likely struggle to understand and I can not help you on that. 

I've read up on Briffault's Law which I had never heard of until it was mentioned here and I am not struggling to understand it.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/29/2021 at 12:48 AM, Helenarigby said:

I feel that perhaps I should take the love he's offering.

And what if that falls apart too?

It's tempting when you are feeling admired and appreciated, but there is no guarantee that the love you imagine he'll offer will actually stand up in reality. You two have no idea how well you would actually mesh. All you know right now is that you have a crush on each other. So, it is very risky to assume this man will be the bright light you've been searching for. Maybe it would be great, and maybe not. 

Have you had that come-to-Jesus talk with your husband? You need to make it known that you are deeply unhappy to the point of feeling like the marriage could end.  Not just that you are lonely in the marriage, but that this is could break the camel's back and be it for you two.  Sometimes people need a shock to rattle them out of complacency. If you have tried this, and it hasn't worked (or doesn't work once you do try), then you need to re-evaluate dissolving the marriage. But do so with the understanding that this other man might not be the ticket to Happily Ever After, either.

If you don't feel you could be happy on your own as a single woman without any immediate prospects for a relationship, you are not truly ready to end your marriage. 

[DKT3]

On 8/1/2021 at 8:18 AM, pepperbird2 said:

To be honest, I never take the words of a potential WS at face value. I'm not saying I think they are lying, but just that they have a vested interest in seeing their marriage in a certain light.
Op, I can' tell you what to do, no one can. The only thing I can say to you is that you can't unwring a bell. If you decide you step out your husband, you can never, ever take that back.
 

This, 100%. What else is she going to say? My husband is lovely but I'm interested in this guy I've been emotionally invested in for 8 years.

[understand50]

Helenarigby,

I also have been married almost 50 years, so we are about the same age or we are.  You are talking about cheating.  Your husband, may have checked out of the marriage, but I would hazard a guess you have too.  You are both in a rut, and the only thing to do, is to change the circumstances.  You cannot change him, but you can change how you both relate to each other.  I will say, if you cheat, you will cause great damage to your marriage, possibly end it, your kids, yes they are old, but they will not  understand.   I do not think you are looking for sex, but more companionship.   I get it, as we age, we tend to get isolated. Our friends die or start dying  off.   Everyone, just is not as physical, and things we used to enjoy, are just beyond us.

So, ask yourself, what do I want?  Sex? Companionship?, a new relationship?  What will I be putting in danger?  My marriage? My relationships and friendships of a life time?   Is it worth it? What else can I do to change my life?   You have been consoled  to talk to your husband, and see if you can work this out.  After a 50 year relationship, I would hope you are able to have a frank talk about most anything.  Do not know if there has been infidelity in the past, or if both of you have remained true to each other. If it is companionship, see what you can do with your husband, or build new friendships that are appropriate. If it is Sex, talk about that.  I know, from experience, that as you age it gets difficult to preform as a man.  Yes, drugs are a life line.  Can that be a help?   Maybe you can work something out.

My point is, you risk throwing away a lifetime, for something I do not think will last.  You are aging, the tough part is upon you, as it is for  my wife and I, we are going to watch each other deteriorate, and one of us will die first.  Is your "new" guy going to stand by you?  Will you stand by your life's partner?  At my age, nothing is sadder, then to see a old person with no one. Alone.  Waiting for the inevitable to happen, as it must to us all.  Your time is short, a mistake in your 40s or 50 can be overcome, it gets real hard as you rack up the numbers. After a life time of love, I hope, wisdom and experience, you and your husband should be able to come up with a solution that works for both of you.

I wish you luck.

 

 

 

[Caauug]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Have you had that come-to-Jesus talk with your husband? You need to make it known that you are deeply unhappy to the point of feeling like the marriage could end.  Not just that you are lonely in the marriage, but that this is could break the camel's back and be it for you two.  Sometimes people need a shock to rattle them out of complacency. If you have tried this, and it hasn't worked (or doesn't work once you do try), then you need to re-evaluate dissolving the marriage

I know what you are saying.... But

On 7/29/2021 at 6:48 AM, Helenarigby said:

suddenly I feel that perhaps I should take the love he's offering.

The problem is I'm scared of what the outcome might be, what my kids would think if ever they found out!

It's not going to be a Plan A or Plan B.... It's going to be a Plan A+B.... Why give up the kept life she has now for a maybe with a little excitement when she can have the kept life and the exciting BF??? She has stuck with the Husband for 50yrs, why give away all that time when his health is failing? The jack pot of his passing is likely only a year or two away and she will have 100%, not the 50% if she leaves him now.... Leaving and the division of assets are not in her best interest.... Having the cake and eating it too is what she wants....

[Helenarigby]

Thank you all for your advice, in reading them I have come to realise how wrong it would be if I carried it through, the thing is, Iv fallen more for the attention I'm getting than the man himself. He really isn't my type. My husband and I have always been true to each other, as far as I know. I was in a pretty sad place when I wrote the post, but it really is how things are. Only I know what my life with him is like, it's impossible to make people see it because they don't see his selfish ways, they only see he a lovely bloke, which he is when he's not being so selfish. Now that sounds contradictory I know but it's true, it's the way he is with me. As I explained earlier,  it's difficult for me, he relies on me for everything, but then he always have. But, after reading your advice I have come to realise that I need to change my life in other ways, like taking a day trip out alone, I have grown to love my own company so I'm going to embrace that and live with it. Thanks again.

Edited August 3, 2021 by Helenarigby

[HappilyMarried]

49 minutes ago, Helenarigby said:

I was in a pretty sad place when I wrote the post, but it really is how things are.

 

49 minutes ago, Helenarigby said:

Only I know what my life with him is like

 

49 minutes ago, Helenarigby said:

they don't see his selfish ways

 

49 minutes ago, Helenarigby said:

I have come to realize that I need to change my life in other ways, like taking a day trip out alone, I have grown to love my own company so I'm going to embrace that and live with it.

I really think that you need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you really feel. Also, tell him what you need and need from him. That you don't want to live out the rest of your life the way things currently are now. It's good that you are going to start and do things that make you feel good (even if you have to do them by yourself or maybe with your friend if you tell him its only as a friend) Hopefully he will come around on his own, but maybe if he thinks there is some competition he will up his game. lol  I really think you need to have a serious straight forward talk with him about your feelings and needs. If he refuses doesn't seem to care, or change then you can say you did all you could.Then you will have to decide what you want to do. Best of luck!

Edited August 4, 2021 by HappilyMarried

[Helenarigby]

I have spoken to him many times,  the trouble is, he don't see a problem at all, that's what's so frustrating. 

[NYAG]

10 minutes ago, Helenarigby said:

I have spoken to him many times,  the trouble is, he don't see a problem at all, that's what's so frustrating. 

Sometimes it takes drastic action to make someone see how serious it is. After all, you are still there. My ex-husband said to me at the end that if he knew I was actually going to leave him, he would have done something about it. By then it was too late for him. Maybe you still have time.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Helenarigby said:

, he relies on me for everything, but then he always have. 

You have caretaker burnout and you need to acknowledge that.

That means get him a nurse or home attendant or aide and get yourself some respite care.

He is elderly and has chronic illness which preclude him from being whatever partner he used to be or you wish you had.

You state he's dependant on you for everything. You claim he's selfish.

What is it exactly? Is he disabled? Does he have cognitive disorders? Does his COPD require that he stay on oxygen?

[understand50]

My comment, that you can not change him, but the environment, holds.  After many years, my wife and I have the luxury of hiring a maid to come in once a week.  Yeah, it takes cash we may want to spend other places, but now my wife and I can keep up with the house.  There are agencies, that are around that may be able to help with low cost care, if $ is a issue, (Is it not for all of us).  Please look into what you can access. 

Remember, you deserve some good companionship.  How about joining a "Friends of the library?".  My wife did this, and it gives her a social outlet, and does some good.  Volunteer at a hospital.  There is a lot out there. What about a job?  Part time, that you can go and work and be in a place other then a caretaker.  Hobbies, I shoot, target shooting mostly, but hunting once and a while.  As I age, the ducks get more and more safe around me, but it is being out and in nature doing something I have done all my life.  Probably not your thing, but the point is, what did you do when you were younger, that you may want to pick up on now?  

Of course, we all have not talked about sex. If that is an issue, and at our age when is it not, my only suggestion is to talk to your husband.  There are many things that can be done.  My wife and I, although we have not put it in to place, and may never do so, decided when or if one or the other, or both of us,  started to decline physically so that sex was not a option between us, that if one or the other needed the physical side of sex, we would open the marriage, but give the other the Veto of if this should happened. As we both age, I do not think that this will ever come to pass, but it is good to know we both expect a sex life.  BTW, we go at it,  once or twice a week. So we are lucky.

Well, hope this is a help, and I wish you luck.

 

[HappilyMarried]

8 hours ago, Helenarigby said:

I have spoken to him many times,  the trouble is, he don't see a problem at all, that's what's so frustrating. 

Then I see you really only have a few choices. This one I put in my post yesterday "Hopefully he will come around on his own, but maybe if he thinks there is some competition he will up his game." You remain they way things are and live out your remaining years as you have most of the others. You divorce and live out your remaining years for you and do what makes you happy. Best of luck! You need to be happy! Always remember that and if you spouse truly loves you he should want that for you as well!