Olive_monroe Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 (edited) I had a big falling out with my husband last summer ( of 17 years). I found out he had been lying to me, about a lot of things. Things he did while he was on his phone, places he would go, things he would buy... He agreed to go to counseling and did for a while. The counseling was not working to facilitate communication rather created a third person and deafest Ed what is hoped the purpose was - which was to increase our communication- so we agreed for him to stop. I know that he has tried and still does try to make up for the things he has done wrong. He apologizes when it comes up and continuously promises me he will continue to prove he is not that person anymore... A year has gone by and we now are able to not argue in our home and at least be functional with each other. Since the falling out he has made a big effort to say I love you which was rarely said before. Not only had I gotten out of the habit of saying and expressing it, but when his choices caused me to see him differently it somehow became incredibly impossible for me to utter the words back. I know it takes time and I know that it really hurts him when he says it and there’s silence on the other line. I have not discussed what has happened within our relationship with anyone... so I guess I’m looking for advice. Have you gone through this and had trust stolen. I feel like I’m just barely coming back from the shock wearing off of seeing him in a different light... like he fell off his pedestal i’m not sure what I want because I didn’t know what I wanted and it made me feel like a fool. Edited July 29, 2021 by Olive_monroe 🤷🏼♀️ Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 Well what you wanted was somebody who you could love and who you could trust. And apparently that ship has sailed - At least for now. If he broke your trust it’s not surprising that you cannot say I love you back. Your in self protection mode and it’ll take a while to get out of that 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 (edited) It’ll take awhile but commitment to that marriage has to be stronger than the bond you used to have because that bond is tested and damaged. If you believe in what marriage means as a commitment (yourself, not simply reacting to what he does), your commitment is stronger. This is not to say that you should stay if you feel or know that he continues to lie and break your trust. Sometimes trust cannot be repaired or the other party breaks down and stops trying because they believe it’s too late. So no matter how much you believe in it, it takes two for strength and commitment. When you’re married things change and it depends on how much either of you are committed to it while also weighing the risks to your mental health and overall well-being. Why not talk with your partner about how you feel? If you’re feeling stuck about responding back when he says he loves you why not tell him how you feel instead of silence? Edited July 29, 2021 by glows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 5 hours ago, Olive_monroe said: I found out he had been lying to me, about a lot of things. Things he did while he was on his phone, places he would go, things he would buy... Was he having affairs? What exactly was he lying about? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Olive_monroe Posted July 29, 2021 Author Share Posted July 29, 2021 (edited) I’ve been very open with him - this exact topic I wanted an outside opinion. He was online looking at many other women; through the phone which I found out, and was denied for awhile. Eventually he couldn’t lie anymore, I found photos on his phone, from Snapchat... and this continued for some time. I dont know if that’s considered cheating but it felt like it to me. I don’t have any issues with communicating to him, just wondering if anyone out there has gone through this and what their view of the healing process is. Edited July 29, 2021 by Olive_monroe Added Link to post Share on other sites
Author Olive_monroe Posted July 29, 2021 Author Share Posted July 29, 2021 He was lying about borrowing money, spending money, talking to other women online, how he felt in the relationship- we have worked through a lot of emotions... I don’t know how I feel about our relationship we have been married now for 17 years and I don’t have anger anymore I just feel numb. And although that’s because of his actions I know he’s trying to be a better person and I just hope I can go back to who I used to be... and if it changes into something different that’s fine I’m trying to use the experience for us to better understand who we are and what we want out of our lives... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 Have you considered filing for divorce? When you do your pro/con list for staying in the marriage or leaving, where do you land? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Olive_monroe Posted July 29, 2021 Author Share Posted July 29, 2021 (edited) The first three months we talked about divorce a lot. Being lied to is some thing I don’t take very lightly in life. I felt very betrayed, end up first asked him to find somewhere else to live. He lied about stupid things; when my cat disappeared he said he went looking for him and put up signs a day or two later I found out he didn’t neither. Which would’ve been a big deal the big deal was that he just boldface lied to me about it; when he was so comfortable lying to me I kicked him out. When he spent the night at a hotel, it made things worse for awhile. I have challenged his behavior as soon as I’m aware of it and I’ve never confrontational with him but I definitely expect a conversation and a response. We have a six-year-old son whom I currently home school who has autism. It’s been challenging not to let our conflict affect the bigger picture. Divorce was on the table for quite some time. Until he was able to admit fully to me the problems he was having. I have seen the change in him the last year but I have struggled to become myself again. I was just completely in the dark about who he was becoming and loved and trusted him completely. Intimacy has been difficult as well and navigating has been new territory. we’ve just been continuing on this path trying to figure out what is best and it’s been difficult. what I want has been skewed because my reality has changed. being lied to changes everything... i’m trying to see if trust will come back for now I have just been waiting. trying to recover and be the most stable clear thinking version of myself. every day commitments Trump conflicts and although a year has gone by I don’t feel that much healing has occurred Edited July 29, 2021 by Olive_monroe Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 (edited) I’m so sorry, this must be so difficult. Honestly, I don’t know that I would ever be able to feel the same way about the man again. It sounds like he has done some work, but I don’t want to be in a marriage with a man that I have to parent. I don’t want to monitor his actions and communications to be sure that he is being truthful and trustworthy. But, I absolutely understand that life is complicated, divorce is hard, and you have a child who has additional needs that will make divorce and single parenting more challenging. Not an easy decision to make. Perhaps I’ve missed it, but have you seen a counsellor for yourself, to help you to deal with these feelings and this decision? Edited July 29, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 44 minutes ago, Olive_monroe said: Divorce was on the table for quite some time. Until he was able to admit fully to me the problems he was having. I have seen the change in him the last year but I have struggled to become myself again. I was just completely in the dark about who he was becoming and loved and trusted him completely. Intimacy has been difficult as well and navigating has been new territory. It’s best to decide whether his present changes (that you may /may not sense) are enough to inspire you to stay. If the alternative to marriage is divorce, what is holding you together currently? Is it your son and the idea of keeping the family unit together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Olive_monroe Posted July 29, 2021 Author Share Posted July 29, 2021 I’d say I’ve taken it just day to day. My emotions and thought process have been not what I’d expected. We’d been through a lot together, that I guess part of it is an obligation within vowing to be a wife. As far as the family unit, partially keeping it in tact has been a priority but in the sense that WE need to have a healthy relationship regardless of its status, to parent a child in a healthy way. We’ve more than anything focused on a healthy functional environment- sometimes I look up separation, sometimes I feel like we’re doing better it just depends. But I honestly pulled away first sharply and went straight to wanting space and divorce because of our son- I felt if I didn’t it wasn’t showing him to be strong. But, i dont know I would say it’s more showing him how adults should behave in a hard situation then the matter of where we are or why. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 3 hours ago, Olive_monroe said: I’ve been very open with him - this exact topic I wanted an outside opinion. He was online looking at many other women; through the phone which I found out, and was denied for awhile. Eventually he couldn’t lie anymore, I found photos on his phone, from Snapchat... and this continued for some time. I dont know if that’s considered cheating but it felt like it to me. There are those in the world who this wouldn't bother TOO much (as long as it didn't escalate further) but in these ambiguous situations it's how you feel that really counts. So if it bothers you, it bothers you. I thought Snapchat photos disappeared and that was their whole thing, but Instagram and OnlyFans have apparently created a whole new "genre" of problems, particularly for women, when their partners view it as, essentially, porn, but the women feels threatened due to the fact that it's not anonymous. Your situation seems to be somewhere in this ballpark. The bottom line is that if it bothers you it bothers you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Olive_monroe said: He was lying about borrowing money, spending money, talking to other women online, Does he have drug or gambling issues or visit prostitutes? Why would he have to borrow money and what is he spending it on? You don't need to borrow money to chitchat with social media women. You seem to think that's the main problem? You need to get tested for STDs as well as check your credit scores and all your accounts. Without talking to him, get to the bank and thoroughly go through all your finances. Edited July 29, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 1 hour ago, Olive_monroe said: I’d say I’ve taken it just day to day. My emotions and thought process have been not what I’d expected. We’d been through a lot together, that I guess part of it is an obligation within vowing to be a wife. As far as the family unit, partially keeping it in tact has been a priority but in the sense that WE need to have a healthy relationship regardless of its status, to parent a child in a healthy way. We’ve more than anything focused on a healthy functional environment- sometimes I look up separation, sometimes I feel like we’re doing better it just depends. But I honestly pulled away first sharply and went straight to wanting space and divorce because of our son- I felt if I didn’t it wasn’t showing him to be strong. But, i dont know I would say it’s more showing him how adults should behave in a hard situation then the matter of where we are or why. You can be strong in different ways, also healthy in different ways (with or without staying married). The decision to leave is hard but once you make up your mind to do something, the rest falls into place. It's the indecision that is very hard. I agree with Wiseman about getting checked health-wise and also looking into your finances. You may already have done this but I would keep an eye on things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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