Can you be friends after a break up or will they always want more

[Hope4thefuture]

I need some advice. I briefly dated this guy for a couple of months over 3 years ago. I broke it off because my feelings weren’t progressing. He was in love with me, and I didn’t have those same feelings toward him. I still had feelings for my ex boyfriend at the time, so I knew it was best to end things with this other guy. During the couple of months we dated, I did tell the guy about my ex, and how things were moving too fast for me.
 

After I broke up with him, the guy wanted to stay friends. We hung out with the same crowd, so I knew I would see him a lot. We had some space from each other right after the break up. After that we were able to stay friends. During these past 3 years, we still hung out and did things together. For example, went on walks, watched movies, etc. It seemed like we were almost dating, but without the intimacy. 
 

I do enjoy spending time with him. I enjoy our conversations. It is easy and comfortable. He has told me he wants more than a friendship, and I can’t give it to him. I don’t feel that way.

 

I haven’t dated anyone since breaking up with him because I wanted to make sure I was ready to date again. I moved too fast going into this relationship, and I didn’t want to make that same mistake again. I think I’m finally ready.
 

The problem is I’m scared to start dating again. What if this guy is the right one, and I miss out? Do I really have feelings and just not know it? What if I date someone new, and realize this other guy is the one I should be with? I’m so confused.

[Alpacalia]

Quote

Can you be friends after a break up or will they always want more

In most cases. No.

Especially if the other person still harbors feelings.

So, the prudent thing to do would be to severe ties with the ex and work out your own sh*t.

Then you'll be free and clear to find a much better fit for yourself.

Edited July 29, 2021 by Alpaca

[torn_heart]

You should stop seeing him. If you are really wondering if he is right for you you need to miss him, having him around just gives you whatever you need without progressing the relationship. If you don't do it, he will do it at some point, because right now he is still looking for that relationship, and at some point he will feel that enough is enough.

As for your question, I'm friends with some exes, but you really need to know how to manage the sexual tension, more than anything.

 

[Hope4thefuture]

We talked last night for hours about what we need to do. We both think we need to stop hanging out with each other. I have this feeling that we will fall into the same pattern again. My worry is one of us will reach out, and we will be back to where we are right now.

[d0nnivain]

I would have advocated against spending one on one time with him after you broke up.  Since you shared a friend group you were obligated to be civil & polite when you saw him but that is usually all "just friends" means -- no drama. 

Instead you created this non-sexual dating dynamic that kept you tethered to him all this time & has now made you doubt yourself.  This is a pattern.  You break up.  You pine for the one that got away & you don't let yourself form an attachment to the new person or even evaluate them on their own merits because you compare & you live your life in the past, full of regret.  With this guy you pined for your EX.  Now you can't go forward because you are pining for him.  This won't get better until you make up your own mind & stick to a decision rather than constantly second guessing yourself. 

[Hope4thefuture]

He wants to go to one last ballgame together and then stop seeing each other after that. He says he will be busy with work and sports so that keep him distracted. 
 

I suppose I need to try a dating site during that time. Just nervous about starting over again.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Hope4thefuture said:

Do I really have feelings and just not know it?

Does that really make any sense? We generally are aware if we like someone. It's not like you're keeping secrets from yourself, OP. 

6 hours ago, Hope4thefuture said:

What if this guy is the right one,

He isn't the right one. You've known that for 3 years. 

Your fear of being alone is leading you to question your own instinct, and also to let this guy be your stand-in boyfriend. That's not fair to either of you. A friendship when he wants more is not possible, and yes, you two need to take some substantial space from each other. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Hope4thefuture said:

He has told me he wants more than a friendship, and I can’t give it to him. I don’t feel that way.

Ok, then it's best not to string him along in the friendzone. It inhibits both of you from finding what you want.

Exes are not comfortable old slippers you wear because starting over is hard. He wants sex, you know that.

[Miss Spider]

I agree with alpaca , maybe a long, long time later after they’ve happily moved on in which case they probably won’t want to be your “friend” any way

Edited July 29, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

8 hours ago, Hope4thefuture said:

I don’t feel that way.

He may make the decision for you since you don't reciprocate his feelings. 

It's always best to give yourselves more room to grow(separately) if things don't work out. There's no sense in holding each other back.

[lana-banana]

If you both feel the same way, it's fine. I have had a few situations in which a guy and I mutually, honestly decided that we weren't really a good match and went our own ways, amicably, and continued to be friends and hang out occasionally. The problem is that in 9/10 cases, it's not mutual and amicable. Somebody is left wanting more or somebody is really hurt. In a situation like this the only honest thing to do is let each other go and move on. Whenever it's not mutual, for whatever reason, you gotta call it quits.

[Lotsgoingon]

So what's the deal now: are you not attracted to him? I mean viscerally--I know he has good qualities that some woman somewhere will want. 

Often the "I'm not ready to date" really = I don't want to date you. It's amazing how when people meet the right person, somehow they become ready to date. 

Asking if you can like someone and not know it. That's sorta like saying, "Is it true that I might like steak even though I don't like it."

Now, if you're asking about whether things have changed such that if you play around in your mind, you might find this guy attractive for dating, then yes, that can happen. It's very rare.

Do you find yourself wanting to hang out with this guy, I mean REALLY wanting, looking forward to seeing him.? Do you get a hit of happiness when you see him? Or some feeling of warmth inside of you that doesn't occur when you're with other people? When we're interested, the answers to those questions are usually yes, yes, yes, yes. 

 

 

Edited July 30, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[mark clemson]

Generally, it takes a LOT of emotional maturity to stay friends. Particularly if there's some lingering attraction and the other person moves on to someone new. I think many people find it simpler to keep things at a very surface level, if even that, and find new friends without the baggage.

 

13 hours ago, Hope4thefuture said:

The problem is I’m scared to start dating again. What if this guy is the right one, and I miss out? Do I really have feelings and just not know it? What if I date someone new, and realize this other guy is the one I should be with? I’m so confused.

Respectfully, you seem to be making things WAY too complicated for yourself here. Life is full of "what if's" that amount to nothing in the end. Just relax and date. If anxiety is overwhelming for you, you may need help with THAT, and then perhaps the dating will go a lot smoother.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Hope4thefuture said:

The problem is I’m scared to start dating again. What if this guy is the right one, and I miss out? Do I really have feelings and just not know it? 

With respect, keeping someone in a holding pattern like that is selfish.

You need to stop and think about other's feelings, not just indecisively bounce around and treat people like options on Amazon.

Unfortunately this will eventually backfire. People aren't stupid, they'll catch on that they are being used as security blankets or entertainment.

Stop and reflect on what you want.

[Blue Sea]

It's best to stop meeting this guy if you don't really love him a lot. 

You feel comfortable with him because you have not met the right one yet to fill in your loneliness. 

Let's not being selfish & let him go. 

I said this because I still cannot forget about my ex-bf and my buddy made an effort to keep meeting me since I am finally single now and have more time for friends. 

I reduce the frequency of meeting my buddy as I feel that he really treated me too well recently. I don't wish to complicate things or to spoil this long term friendship. 

 

 

[Caauug]

21 hours ago, Hope4thefuture said:

 What if this guy is the right one, and I miss out?

The old saying:  Actions speak louder than words....

Lets look at your actions. You date the guy for a few months then scale it back to a platonic R or just friends for 3 years.... 3years you have stung this guy along, always looking for more from you. That is cruel really. But it shows what kind of a man he is, weak minded. He will tag along behind you and settle for the bread crumbs you decide he can have in hopes of a R again. You have enjoyed the validation he has given you over the years.... That is not the type of man that you find attractive. You want someone strong, that has drive, that has direction. He's not the one....

Break it off, no more friends with him. You have kept his hopetom or oneitus alive for 3 years too long. Let him heal and find someone that will love him for who he is. With him out of the picture you can concentrate on finding Mr. Right.

[Hope4thefuture]

He has dated others while being friends with me. I was happy for him. The problem was he kept comparing them to me. I told him that wasn’t fair to the other girls or himself. He also said he would be a friends with benefits with me, and I told him that would not be a good idea. I have tried to tell him multiple times I just want to be friends and he agrees. 
 

We had a conversation yesterday, and we both feel we need some space from each other. I think it is for the best. I’m worried that he will text me within the week, and want to talk. We had this happen before where we stopped hanging out. Then a week or so goes by, and he reaches out and says he is cool to hang out again. I believe him when it says it, but I need to be more direct this time I guess.

 

If he reaches out how do I nicely say we decided to stop hanging out? I don’t want to hurt him, but I agree space is for the best.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Hope4thefuture said:

If he reaches out how do I nicely say we decided to stop hanging out? 

“I’m sorry, but we can’t.”

You don’t need to coddle him. You don’t need to over-explain. Your problem is that you are enabling this, so it’s time to be firm. There is no need to explain what he already knows, nor repeat what has already been said. 

You are as much a part of the problem as he is, and you can stop this any time you want. You don’t have to worry about him texting you if you are serious about changing your own response to him. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Hope4thefuture said:

He has dated others while being friends with me. I was happy for him. The problem was he kept comparing them to me. I told him that wasn’t fair to the other girls or himself. He also said he would be a friends with benefits with me, and I told him that would not be a good idea. I have tried to tell him multiple times I just want to be friends and he agrees. 
 

We had a conversation yesterday, and we both feel we need some space from each other. I think it is for the best. I’m worried that he will text me within the week, and want to talk. We had this happen before where we stopped hanging out. Then a week or so goes by, and he reaches out and says he is cool to hang out again. I believe him when it says it, but I need to be more direct this time I guess.

 

If he reaches out how do I nicely say we decided to stop hanging out? I don’t want to hurt him, but I agree space is for the best.

Say something along the lines of “It’s best we go our separate ways.” This is very clear that you will not be spending time together and it’s also an indication that his way and your way are no longer together. He has to make his own way and move on. People will not contact you again when they hear this. Or, I’ve never had someone contact me again. 

Be firm and move on too. 

[Hope4thefuture]

I definitely know I’m at fault too. Looking back at my actions, I took advantage of the situation. I was wrong and I truly regret how I handled things. I liked having him as a friend, plus it gave me someone to do things with. I enjoyed his company, so when he would reach out I would be glad to hear from him. 
 

 Moving forward, I need to change how I react to him. My problem is I hate hurting others. I know I will be hurting him by not being friends, but I’m the long run I would be hurting both of us more. I know it is the best for both of us. It just sucks I’m losing a friend.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Hope4thefuture said:

I definitely know I’m at fault too. Looking back at my actions, I took advantage of the situation. I was wrong and I truly regret how I handled things. I liked having him as a friend, plus it gave me someone to do things with. I enjoyed his company, so when he would reach out I would be glad to hear from him. 
 

 Moving forward, I need to change how I react to him. My problem is I hate hurting others. I know I will be hurting him by not being friends, but I’m the long run I would be hurting both of us more. I know it is the best for both of us. It just sucks I’m losing a friend.

You'll make other friends. He has no boundaries and doesn't know when to leave you alone to his own detriment. I'm referring to his inability to see other people for themselves and comparing them to you.