ex behaviour during no contact

[python23]

So my ex ended a 7 month relationship at the end of May. we met  and hit it off, conversation was excellent, sex was passionate and our conversations were so deep and complex. From the start my ex girlfriend would open up slightly about her mental health issues caused by her first real relationship that really left some limiting beliefs about herself, anxiety and panic attacks in private and some previous history of minor self harm. When I tried to open her up more about this she would shut down and say she had talked about it enough. so I respected that.

we met each others parents and booked a vacation for July which should have been this week. I met some of her friends and she met mine. in January she explained that she was struggling with things and was paying to see a therapist online each week. She has a high pressured job and is expected to make decisions and tell people what to do. On face value she's an extremely happy, confident person and hides her insecurities extremely well.

 

We said we loved each other from February and for 2 months it was said mutually, I genuinely loved this girl 

 

fast forward to April and the relationship took a turn for the worst, the I love yous's were not said back on more than one occasion and I noticed this as a bad sign for sure.  we never argued, but her mood was more low than normal, the sex wasn't as frequent and the laughs weren't there as much. she took a new job role on at work which meant she was working at home till 9pm at night. this really affected the relationship as id cook us dinner a night or 2 a week while she worked. Im 100 percent certain I wasn't needy, not controlling, she was free to do whatever she liked as I believe love is freedom. 

At the end of April she sat me down and explained that she thinks she was depressed, and was going to come off the pill, due to it potentially harming her hormone levels, I showed support and explained that I was there to support any decision she made and she thanked me for that. She had a diary that she would write things she was grateful for each night and her therapist had her record words of affirmation each night that she had to listen to. Her mental health was a real struggle I think. more than people knew. Her parents had no clue about it either, 

 

Cut to Late may and we went out for dinner, I set the date and booked the venue, the week prior she was distant and the texts weren't as frequent, could sense her pulling back. we went out for dinner and I told her how great she looked, she said thanks I don't feel it. anyway, I tried to keep the night positive. We got back home and she sat me down and explained  very vaguely that she'd had a bad week and thanked me for trying to understand her depression but said she couldn't do it anymore. She said shed been fighting with herself all day to go out and enjoy the night however she couldn't do. she said it was nothing I had done or said and thanked me for a really good lockdown relationship. (excuses I know most of the time)

 

I responded extremely well and told her to get the support she needed, I accepted her decision and told her to contact me if she figured things out down the line and told her I couldn't force her to ben happy and that it was something she needed to work on. she left and we didn't Speak.

 

2 weeks later she texts me about our booked trip and asked if she could buy my half off me. id already cancelled my half and so I told her this, I told her I hoped she was in a better headspace and wished her well. she said she wished me the very best. That was 6 weeks ago.

 

Since then she went silent on social media, until last week where she posted photos of herself with friends. then I saw her on the app she met me on. I didn't react or respond. For a week or 2 now she's watched my stories on instagram, I haven't acted out of character and have shared normal things that im up to. This week we should be on vacation. On Monday she posted a story for the first time in months, out of character for her for sure. I didn't view it as im in no contact and don't want to know what she's up to. I, however booked a trip away myself and I posted a few hiking photos, on Tuesday she viewed them and instantly blocked me that night on instagram, she has also made her Facebook extremely private so I can't see anything at all. 

 

I personally believe I accepted this breakup with dignity and haven't begged or pleaded. But this behaviour with blocking me I just don't understand, if she's on dating apps and meeting new people then it goes against her excuse to end things which I accept is a way to let me down gently, however blocking me if she ended things doesn't make sense to me, we haven't spoken for 6 weeks. It also seems a coincidence its happened the week we should be on vacation.

 

 

any opinions would be appreciated, she's in her early 30's by the way and so am i. no children.

 

Edited July 29, 2021 by python23

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, python23 said:

I personally believe I accepted this breakup with dignity and haven't begged or pleaded. But this behaviour with blocking me I just don't understand, if she's on dating apps and meeting new people then it goes against her excuse to end things which I accept is a way to let me down gently

Agree. You did the right things. It sounds like you dodged a bullet if she's this insincere and flakey.

Delete and block her from all your messaging apps, social media and devices. That way you can reflect in peace without all the background noise.

[torn_heart]

24 minutes ago, python23 said:

So my ex ended a 7 month relationship at the end of May. we met  and hit it off, conversation was excellent, sex was passionate and our conversations were so deep and complex. From the start my ex girlfriend would open up slightly about her mental health issues caused by her first real relationship that really left some limiting beliefs about herself, anxiety and panic attacks in private and some previous history of minor self harm. When I tried to open her up more about this she would shut down and say she had talked about it enough. so I respected that.

we met each others parents and booked a vacation for July which should have been this week. I met some of her friends and she met mine. in January she explained that she was struggling with things and was paying to see a therapist online each week. She has a high pressured job and is expected to make decisions and tell people what to do. On face value she's an extremely happy, confident person and hides her insecurities extremely well.

 

We said we loved each other from February and for 2 months it was said mutually, I genuinely loved this girl 

 

fast forward to April and the relationship took a turn for the worst, the I love yous's were not said back on more than one occasion and I noticed this as a bad sign for sure.  we never argued, but her mood was more low than normal, the sex wasn't as frequent and the laughs weren't there as much. she took a new job role on at work which meant she was working at home till 9pm at night. this really affected the relationship as id cook us dinner a night or 2 a week while she worked. Im 100 percent certain I wasn't needy, not controlling, she was free to do whatever she liked as I believe love is freedom. 

At the end of April she sat me down and explained that she thinks she was depressed, and was going to come off the pill, due to it potentially harming her hormone levels, I showed support and explained that I was there to support any decision she made and she thanked me for that. She had a diary that she would write things she was grateful for each night and her therapist had her record words of affirmation each night that she had to listen to. Her mental health was a real struggle I think. more than people knew. Her parents had no clue about it either, 

 

Cut to Late may and we went out for dinner, I set the date and booked the venue, the week prior she was distant and the texts weren't as frequent, could sense her pulling back. we went out for dinner and I told her how great she looked, she said thanks I don't feel it. anyway, I tried to keep the night positive. We got back home and she sat me down and explained  very vaguely that she'd had a bad week and thanked me for trying to understand her depression but said she couldn't do it anymore. She said shed been fighting with herself all day to go out and enjoy the night however she couldn't do. she said it was nothing I had done or said and thanked me for a really good lockdown relationship. (excuses I know most of the time)

 

I responded extremely well and told her to get the support she needed, I accepted her decision and told her to contact me if she figured things out down the line and told her I couldn't force her to ben happy and that it was something she needed to work on. she left and we didn't Speak.

 

2 weeks later she texts me about our booked trip and asked if she could buy my half off me. id already cancelled my half and so I told her this, I told her I hoped she was in a better headspace and wished her well. she said she wished me the very best. That was 6 weeks ago.

 

Since then she went silent on social media, until last week where she posted photos of herself with friends. then I saw her on the app she met me on. I didn't react or respond. For a week or 2 now she's watched my stories on instagram, I haven't acted out of character and have shared normal things that im up to. This week we should be on vacation. On Monday she posted a story for the first time in months, out of character for her for sure. I didn't view it as im in no contact and don't want to know what she's up to. I, however booked a trip away myself and I posted a few hiking photos, on Tuesday she viewed them and instantly blocked me that night on instagram, she has also made her Facebook extremely private so I can't see anything at all. 

 

I personally believe I accepted this breakup with dignity and haven't begged or pleaded. But this behaviour with blocking me I just don't understand, if she's on dating apps and meeting new people then it goes against her excuse to end things which I accept is a way to let me down gently, however blocking me if she ended things doesn't make sense to me, we haven't spoken for 6 weeks. It also seems a coincidence its happened the week we should be on vacation.

 

 

any opinions would be appreciated, she's in her early 30's by the way and so am i. no children.

 

Sometimes it's just about the ego.

She might not want to be with you, but it hurts her to see you moving on, so she blocks you either, to just not see how you are moving on, or looking for a reaction. 

I hate these games.

[python23]

1 minute ago, torn_heart said:

Sometimes it's just about the ego.

She might not want to be with you, but it hurts her to see you moving on, so she blocks you either, to just not see how you are moving on, or looking for a reaction. 

I hate these games.

thank you for your reply, she is extremely stubborn as a person and passionate about her beliefs, so I don't think she would ever reach out and ask to rekindle. I don't think she does want to do that, but she's 31, surely its not an attempt to get me to react. 

[torn_heart]

5 minutes ago, python23 said:

thank you for your reply, she is extremely stubborn as a person and passionate about her beliefs, so I don't think she would ever reach out and ask to rekindle. I don't think she does want to do that, but she's 31, surely its not an attempt to get me to react. 

You describe her personality as the one of my ex-OW, she is 33, I'm 38 and she plays those games all the time, so yes, she is playing you to react.

To give you a couple of examples:

- Once I tagged her in a post about babies, and she replied with hearst, and then another saying "and you don't want to have one with me" and because I didn't reply fast enough she deleted the comment and added another. I asked her through whatsapp what happened and she sent me a Screenshot of all the comments she did, basically showing me that she took a SC to show someone what she did (her friends I guess)

- This week she posted a meme about math, that normally I'm the only one that reacts to them. And yes, nobody reacted.

Age doesn't matter for these games.

Edited July 29, 2021 by torn_heart

[python23]

8 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

You describe her personality as the one of my ex-OW, she is 33, I'm 38 and she plays those games all the time, so yes, she is playing you to react.

To give you a couple of examples:

- Once I tagged her in a post about babies, and she replied with hearst, and then another saying "and you don't want to have one with me" and because I didn't reply fast enough she deleted the comment and added another. I asked her through whatsapp what happened and she sent me a Screenshot of all the comments she did, basically showing me that she took a SC to show someone what she did (her friends I guess)

- This week she posted a meme about math, that normally I'm the only one that reacts to them. And yes, nobody reacted.

Age doesn't matter for these games.

I see. Personally if I had to guess where my ex's head is at is confusion that I never tried to salvage the relationship and probably wonders if I ever cared at all, but she's too stubborn to apologise so would rather move on. What do you think of this, during the relationship she used to say how much she hated tinder and said he'd never join it again, 

 

about 10 days after she ended it I joined tinder to pass time more than anything, a couple of days later I wake up and see she's the first profile to appear, which usually means she's right swiped on me, I was shocked and gutted at the time and deleted the app there and then. I never reacted over text. since then ive never seen her on there. I think she downloaded it to see if id moved on. she's still on the app we met on though.

 

either way, im wasting energy on this one I think. every day is getting easier, but getting blocked on instagram really through me off and confused me. 

[torn_heart]

1 minute ago, python23 said:

I see. Personally if I had to guess where my ex's head is at is confusion that I never tried to salvage the relationship and probably wonders if I ever cared at all, but she's too stubborn to apologise so would rather move on. What do you think of this, during the relationship she used to say how much she hated tinder and said he'd never join it again, 

 

about 10 days after she ended it I joined tinder to pass time more than anything, a couple of days later I wake up and see she's the first profile to appear, which usually means she's right swiped on me, I was shocked and gutted at the time and deleted the app there and then. I never reacted over text. since then ive never seen her on there. I think she downloaded it to see if id moved on. she's still on the app we met on though.

 

either way, im wasting energy on this one I think. every day is getting easier, but getting blocked on instagram really through me off and confused me. 

Don't waste your energy, really. Move on and if she wants to say something she can pick up the phone.

[d0nnivain]

Blocking is not mean.  It's healthy.  You are her EX.  She no longer wants you to know what is going on in her life & you should want similar privacy from her too.  

She did not do it to get a reaction from you.  If you matched with her on a dating app, she matched with you too.  She realized how interconnected you were virtually & put a stop to that.  It's not personal.  It really is healthier for you two to no longer being connected on social media.  

[python23]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Blocking is not mean.  It's healthy.  You are her EX.  She no longer wants you to know what is going on in her life & you should want similar privacy from her too.  

She did not do it to get a reaction from you.  If you matched with her on a dating app, she matched with you too.  She realized how interconnected you were virtually & put a stop to that.  It's not personal.  It really is healthier for you two to no longer being connected on social media.  

thanks for your reply, I have other ex's on social media and have always eventually reconnected, but early on I may just mute their profile so im not seeing their posts. Now the fact I accepted it so easily and showed understanding and the fact we had great relationship overall I personally think blocking was a little over the top. but that's her decision so I respect that 

Edited July 29, 2021 by python23

[flitzanu]

1 hour ago, python23 said:

I didn't view it as im in no contact and don't want to know what she's up to.

except you're not in no contact.  you've been following her every move on social media.  that's not being in no contact.  as the others have said, she dumped you, that means you're not in her life and you should be blocking her from all avenues of your life.  she isn't planning her every social media post around your reaction, but it sounds like you're considering her reactions when you make your posts.  

[glows]

It is okay that she blocked you. Think of it as a favour. You owe it to yourself to move on from this relationship. 

All the things that you have seen so far about her, think through them carefully as if looking at the situation in overview for the first time(fresh eyes). Rethink whether this person is right for you even prior to the break up and let go in your own way. Sometimes people get on dating apps to boost their morale, not intending to make anything of it. If she has low self-worth this is something to think about. There are a lot of issues and red flags that point to her not being ready or stable to support a relationship. 

When you're ready, pick yourself back up and move on. Take a break from social media in general and take more hikes, spend more time with your friends and family. Plug into their lives too and see what others are up to. You can move past this. 

 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, python23 said:

I personally think blocking was a little over the top. but that's her decision so I respect that 

Good for you for respecting that.  It's all you can do -- take the high road.  

Blocking is like breaking up.  It defaults to the one who wants out. 

I can't imagine keeping an EX on my social media.  That's too personal.  I don't want them to know what I'm up to & I wouldn't want to torture myself by knowing what they are up too.  Separate is better, IMO.  Understand that when I bump into EXs I'm polite,  make light inquiry into their lives but I'm on my merry way in under 15 minutes.  That's enough as far as I'm concerned.  

[ExpatInItaly]

She's just severing all ties, OP. It's not unheard of, even if exes have a peacful break-up. I don't have exes on my social media, either. No hard feelings, but there is no reason to share my life with them anymore. 

I don't think she is upset or jealous. But she might not want you seeing posts of her with whatever guy she starts dating next, either. 

[healing light]

Personally, I see this situation differently than everyone else on this thread. 

I think your ex broke up on you to focus on herself, then started missing you, so instead of being an adult and reaching out to you in person (she might have even hoped that offering to buy you out of the vacation would spark conversation again), she decided to match with you on a dating app instead. But you didn't take the bait, instead you deleted the app, so she viewed all your stories and tried to make herself look interesting on social media. When you didn't click on them but instead looked like you were living your best life and moving on by going on a trip, her ego was hurt and she blocked you. Because ironically she felt rejected even though she's the one who broke up with you.

I'm not a mind reader and plenty will disagree with me on here, but that's how I see all of that. Childish with a mix of not being able to be direct in her communication/vulnerable enough to admit she wanted you back. So instead she needs to block it all out since you didn't go for her bread crumbs and come rushing back in.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, python23 said:

Either way, im wasting energy on this one I think. every day is getting easier, but getting blocked on instagram really through me off and confused me. 

Agree. It's a waste of your time. After 28 weeks of dating, it's not worth it.

Unfortunately the whole "so stressed, so depressed, so confused" excuse is just a variation of "it's me not you".

This was her exit routine. Sadly it's cowardly to try to extract sympathy from you, when in fact she was just moving on to someone new.

Edited July 30, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately the whole "so stressed, so depressed, so confused" excuse is just a variation of "it's me not you".

I agree, especially since she was back on dating apps so quickly. 

She didn't quite have the heart to tell you she wasn't feeling it with you anymore, OP. But she was clearly open to dating others. 

[torn_heart]

13 hours ago, healing light said:

Personally, I see this situation differently than everyone else on this thread. 

I think your ex broke up on you to focus on herself, then started missing you, so instead of being an adult and reaching out to you in person (she might have even hoped that offering to buy you out of the vacation would spark conversation again), she decided to match with you on a dating app instead. But you didn't take the bait, instead you deleted the app, so she viewed all your stories and tried to make herself look interesting on social media. When you didn't click on them but instead looked like you were living your best life and moving on by going on a trip, her ego was hurt and she blocked you. Because ironically she felt rejected even though she's the one who broke up with you.

I'm not a mind reader and plenty will disagree with me on here, but that's how I see all of that. Childish with a mix of not being able to be direct in her communication/vulnerable enough to admit she wanted you back. So instead she needs to block it all out since you didn't go for her bread crumbs and come rushing back in.

I thought the same

[flitzanu]

14 hours ago, healing light said:

Personally, I see this situation differently than everyone else on this thread. 

I think your ex broke up on you to focus on herself, then started missing you, so instead of being an adult and reaching out to you in person (she might have even hoped that offering to buy you out of the vacation would spark conversation again), she decided to match with you on a dating app instead. But you didn't take the bait, instead you deleted the app, so she viewed all your stories and tried to make herself look interesting on social media. When you didn't click on them but instead looked like you were living your best life and moving on by going on a trip, her ego was hurt and she blocked you. Because ironically she felt rejected even though she's the one who broke up with you.

I'm not a mind reader and plenty will disagree with me on here, but that's how I see all of that. Childish with a mix of not being able to be direct in her communication/vulnerable enough to admit she wanted you back. So instead she needs to block it all out since you didn't go for her bread crumbs and come rushing back in.

unless i'm reading it wrong, they didn't match again on the dating app, it said that the OP saw she was listed again on the app, not that they matched.  just that she put herself back on the market.

 

[glows]

OP, I hope that you have now matched with someone else.