Need a reality check from you all.

[Spec1]

 Short story long… 🤔 nvm.

I’m in need of a reality check and get my mind and emotions under control. You could call it a spout of jealousy or exclusion.

my gf(pretty much at this point wife)… is changing jobs, is actually getting a huge promotion and is actually coming to work at the company I’m at. All aspects of our relationship is fantastic and no real issues out side of this post. 
 

for the 2 1/2 years she’s been at her current job I’ve never been included in anything work related as far as company party’s(other spouses were always invited), going out for drinks with co-workers, going to her co-workers party’s, etc… I’ve actually only formally met her boss and his wife that work at the same place one time and that was because I brought her lunch as I usually do(but any other time they were never around). 
 

I always shrugged that aspect off and it never bothered me she wouldn’t invite me on her own to any of it. However, today is actually bothering me. As both today and tomorrow she will be out with co-workers to celebrate her departure. Today is because apparently a co-worker can’t make tomorrow’s outing so they invited her, her boss, and wife over for drinks and to cookout. (I’ll come back to this one as the way everything was planned was backwards…) 

tomorrow, she will be going out with the rest of her co-workers to some bar. That was the original plan before today’s plans. I got pretty butt hurt that she didn’t invite me to tomorrow’s plans with everyone as it’s a huge thing and being apart of her journey there with being supportive… I was pretty hurt to not even be asked if I’d like to partake in it. sure I don’t really know anyone but well how would I ever get to do that when being left out?

so I approached her about it as it was clear she wasn’t even going to think twice about it… which turned into her calling me while at work. 

of course she didn’t understand what I was feeling and took it personal. We’ve always been great at trying to be understanding. This is where we are different as I instantly invite her and include her in everything I’m doing as I enjoy her being around especially fun events that gets us out together whether it’s with others or not. I even invite her out when I’m going for drinks with my friend. So maybe that’s part of the reason I’m taking it harder than should. We are two different individual people at the end of the day.

anyway which leads into today, so after that talk that turned into a argument… today’s plans came about yesterday. She text me about it saying they invited us over and that she’s inviting me to it… but this is while things are still tense and uncomfortable for both of us. Come to find out her boss overheard the convo  when she called. So now that she invited me it would’ve just made things awkward tonight even if I were to go… not only did her invite come from what felt like pitty but now others that will be there know. So of course I had to tell her it would probably be for the best I don’t go. She didn’t hesitate to say ok that’s fine. 
 

it shouldn’t of turned into this like I’m coming off controlling because I’m not and have never been controlling with her but the way it played out turned into it looks like I am to everyone
. I just wish she would’ve reciprocated what I do for her especially when it’s something like a job promotion that are few and far between. At least give her the option so she knows I’m thinking of her. 

Clearly I’m having a bought of jealousy, and trust me I know it’s not her responsibility to make me happy, it’s not her job to include me in every aspect of her life. Part of me feels like I allowed my internal thoughts to create a mountain out of a mole hill. However, the other side can’t let go of the way I see it. An that is I would want her to be apart of the celebration after supporting me all that time if I was in her shoes. I wouldn’t of let her get to the point of having to approach me. Then the other side of me is saying “you’re being selfish right now and this isn’t about me but about her and her moment”. 
 

so I’m putting a smile on and going back to my supportive roll while I’m confused a bit inside. 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

It's an adjustment. Take a deep breathe and go with the flow until it feels "back to normal", with the new job, coworkers, etc. 

[d0nnivain]

Other than the occasional holiday party the norm in my industry has never included SOs at Happy Hours, promotions etc.   It would be odd indeed to include "outsiders".  Work stuff is work & social / personal are separate.  I would be bored stupid at my SOs work things where they talk shop & I'm left to fend for myself.  I probably have even less in common with the SOs of my SOs colleagues.  It all sounds awful.  

Presumably you will now be more involved in your GF's work social life because you will be employed by the same company.  

Offer to pick her up after these last two good bye / farewell events so she doesn't risk a DWI but who cares if she has one last hurrah with people you will never see or hear about again?  

[Spec1]

23 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Other than the occasional holiday party the norm in my industry has never included SOs at Happy Hours, promotions etc.   It would be odd indeed to include "outsiders".  Work stuff is work & social / personal are separate.  I would be bored stupid at my SOs work things where they talk shop & I'm left to fend for myself.  I probably have even less in common with the SOs of my SOs colleagues.  It all sounds awful.  

Presumably you will now be more involved in your GF's work social life because you will be employed by the same company.  

Offer to pick her up after these last two good bye / farewell events so she doesn't risk a DWI but who cares if she has one last hurrah with people you will never see or hear about again?  

Oh absolutely, that’s why I never thought twice about it before. I guess in my head it isn’t a holiday or a birthday or a random go have drinks. Promotion only happen few and far between… but I wasn’t looking at it if I was in her shoes.

I did some serious self reflection on the car ride home from work. I was being 100% selfish as it’s not so much a celebration of her promotion but spending the last few moments and days with the people she built a bond with.

you hit it right on the head when you said it would be odd to be there for it as I don’t know any of them. Who wants that awkward tension in something that should be light and upbeat. 
 

i think my jealousy was triggered by a combination of not seeing the situation for what it actually is as in a last good bye and goodluck and at least not having the opportunity to turn the inclusion down. Secretly/deep down I would’ve declined it, but I allowed my what would you call it ego? Status as her other half? I don’t know but whatever it was clouded my judgement. 
 

thanks for the clarity I needed!

Edited July 29, 2021 by Spec1

[Acacia98]

40 minutes ago, Spec1 said:

 

I didn’t some serious self reflection on the car ride home from work. I was being 100% selfish as it’s not so much a celebration of her promotion but spending the last few moments and days with the people she built a bond with.

(...)

i think my jealousy was triggered by a combination of not seeing the situation for what it actually is as in a last good bye and goodluck and at least not having the opportunity to turn the inclusion down. Secretly/deep down I would’ve declined it, but I allowed my what would you call it ego? Status as her other half? I don’t know but whatever it was clouded my judgement. 
 

thanks for the clarity I needed!

I'm thinking maybe, in the big picture, this is not just a matter of you being unreasonable and jealous.

Maybe being able to share this aspect of your girlfriend's life actually matters to you. It's not an unreasonable desire if significant others are generally welcome at these events. Maybe you've supressed your desire to be invited to events in the past because you realized she wasn't like you in that sense. And maybe the suppressed sentiments exploded on this one occasion because you felt hurt that a major chapter of her life was closing and you were on the outside looking in.

If there is the remotest chance that I'm right, I encourage you to talk to your girlfriend frankly about your desire to be invited on some occasions in the future. Because this "little" difference could end up giving rise to other resentments in the future if you simply dismiss your feelings as unreasonable expectations.

Edited July 29, 2021 by Acacia98

[glows]

1 hour ago, Spec1 said:

 

my gf(pretty much at this point wife)…

If you have not married her, she is not your wife. I think this is about you expecting to be a bigger part of her life when you are actually not. Is there a reason why you haven't popped the question or why the both of you haven't married yet? 

You mention jealousy but it may not be jealousy. Both of you need more heart to heart about where the relationship is going in order to feel less insecure. If you both were secure (equally) in the relationship this would not  be an issue. You would know that you are a critical part of her life. 

[d0nnivain]

You are welcome @Spec1  I get it.  You wanted to be "asked".  You didn't actually want to go.  

Why not plan a promotion celebration that you throw for her?  You can make it private or more of a party with friends & family but make that one truly social even though you are celebrating a business accomplishment.  

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Other than the occasional holiday party the norm in my industry has never included SOs at Happy Hours, promotions etc.  

Not even a holiday party for me. My SO has met a few coworkers socially - when we are  out and about at events, etc… but, it’s little more than a quick introduction. I’m very close to my coworkers but the only way I know their spouses is by the stories they tell at lunch! 😂

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, to clarify - do her colleagues generally invite their partners to some of these outings? 

And you seem to be the only one not included?

[Donnas]

I can see why you wanna be there. To be supportive of her.And why it bothers you.

Hmm but one thing i notice in your post.....

You keep sending two messages.Its confusion and i think it can get annoying in real life.

You say you dont mind, but write a whole post about how u do mind.😳😭🤣

I think its best for you to start admit to what you really feel.

If you dont like ,you dont like. Just say it. Its ok to have a opinion and feelings. So others know clearly whats up with you also.

Before there is any celebration at work or anywhere, you need to address this let her know what you would like. And not wait at every event to complain about not being invited. If invitation is very important to you .And ask her what's her feelings about inviting people to work events and why yes ,why no.etc.

And why she calling around her boss?And she work in a small family business? 

Not everyone likes to mix work with private. Or some not much into/invested in the other one to wanna have him around also at work.

Beside people wanna have some me time at work also and not be busy with what bf may think if they do this or that.

If its all about being supportive ,you should go. But if you dont feel welcome dont go. And this issue should be discussed before marriage!!!! Its also a moment to get to know each other better.

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Spec1 said:

 Then the other side of me is saying “you’re being selfish right now and this isn’t about me but about her and her moment”.

It's ok not to mix business with pleasure and have office parties for. people.

Unfortunately your relationship has been troubled with on/off, moving out etc. So she's not "just like a wife", nor your other half.

It's good you are reflecting and not letting the depression steer this into a ditch.

What seems to bother you is you want the status of spouses at office parties, but your relationship has too many cracks in the foundation for that.

And this event brings that to the fore.

 

[NYAG]

10 hours ago, Spec1 said:

 Short story long… 🤔 nvm.

I’m in need of a reality check and get my mind and emotions under control. You could call it a spout of jealousy or exclusion.

my gf(pretty much at this point wife)… is changing jobs, is actually getting a huge promotion and is actually coming to work at the company I’m at. All aspects of our relationship is fantastic and no real issues out side of this post. 
 

for the 2 1/2 years she’s been at her current job I’ve never been included in anything work related as far as company party’s(other spouses were always invited), going out for drinks with co-workers, going to her co-workers party’s, etc… I’ve actually only formally met her boss and his wife that work at the same place one time and that was because I brought her lunch as I usually do(but any other time they were never around). 
 

I always shrugged that aspect off and it never bothered me she wouldn’t invite me on her own to any of it. However, today is actually bothering me. As both today and tomorrow she will be out with co-workers to celebrate her departure. Today is because apparently a co-worker can’t make tomorrow’s outing so they invited her, her boss, and wife over for drinks and to cookout. (I’ll come back to this one as the way everything was planned was backwards…) 

tomorrow, she will be going out with the rest of her co-workers to some bar. That was the original plan before today’s plans. I got pretty butt hurt that she didn’t invite me to tomorrow’s plans with everyone as it’s a huge thing and being apart of her journey there with being supportive… I was pretty hurt to not even be asked if I’d like to partake in it. sure I don’t really know anyone but well how would I ever get to do that when being left out?

so I approached her about it as it was clear she wasn’t even going to think twice about it… which turned into her calling me while at work. 

of course she didn’t understand what I was feeling and took it personal. We’ve always been great at trying to be understanding. This is where we are different as I instantly invite her and include her in everything I’m doing as I enjoy her being around especially fun events that gets us out together whether it’s with others or not. I even invite her out when I’m going for drinks with my friend. So maybe that’s part of the reason I’m taking it harder than should. We are two different individual people at the end of the day.

anyway which leads into today, so after that talk that turned into a argument… today’s plans came about yesterday. She text me about it saying they invited us over and that she’s inviting me to it… but this is while things are still tense and uncomfortable for both of us. Come to find out her boss overheard the convo  when she called. So now that she invited me it would’ve just made things awkward tonight even if I were to go… not only did her invite come from what felt like pitty but now others that will be there know. So of course I had to tell her it would probably be for the best I don’t go. She didn’t hesitate to say ok that’s fine. 
 

it shouldn’t of turned into this like I’m coming off controlling because I’m not and have never been controlling with her but the way it played out turned into it looks like I am to everyone
. I just wish she would’ve reciprocated what I do for her especially when it’s something like a job promotion that are few and far between. At least give her the option so she knows I’m thinking of her. 

Clearly I’m having a bought of jealousy, and trust me I know it’s not her responsibility to make me happy, it’s not her job to include me in every aspect of her life. Part of me feels like I allowed my internal thoughts to create a mountain out of a mole hill. However, the other side can’t let go of the way I see it. An that is I would want her to be apart of the celebration after supporting me all that time if I was in her shoes. I wouldn’t of let her get to the point of having to approach me. Then the other side of me is saying “you’re being selfish right now and this isn’t about me but about her and her moment”. 
 

so I’m putting a smile on and going back to my supportive roll while I’m confused a bit inside. 
 

 

I wonder if something has happened to her in the past that has made her reluctant to mix business and pleasure. Have you simply asked her why she doesn't want you to be involved in any of her work social get togethers? She seems very determined and I'm going to assume it's something like that rather than because there's something odd going on. Some people might think she has something to hide that she doesn't want you to know about at work. Also, as many have said, maybe she just prefers work / life separation. But you must talk it out because it will probably carry through the next job.

Edited July 30, 2021 by NYAG
reflection on other people's responses.

[ElleCon]

I am kind of like this with my husband and always have been. I keep my work friends to myself and sometimes even some friends. I do not do this because I don't want my partner involved but because it is one of the few things in my life that I have to myself. I may even vent to these people about things in my life or truly just love the version of me in my element with my friends. If my husband every expressed to me at some point that he is upset that I don't invite him I would invite him from time to time but not always. I do certainly believe that if you had said something about it sooner she probably wouldn't have minded but honestly after all the time she has known these friends you have not been apart of it and bringing you on their final hoorah would be more about meeting you and the focus would shift on what her normal plans already were. I wouldn't not be upset at her this time but I would start sharing more of how you feel in the future. I do think it was kind of messed up for her to call you at work while you around other people almost seems on purpose which is sort of a red flag and deliberately rude. Keep your chin up and keep being supportive while also being open and transparent about how you feel and wanting to be included. oh also to add, I don't see my husband would having fun with my friends he is very different from the majority of my friends. 

[smackie9]

You know some people like to keep their private life private from worklife. Maybe this is something you need to ask her about to get some clarity. Communication is a key component in any relationship. This is how we learn about each other. It's way better than assuming things, and being upset...usually it's really over nothing.

[glows]

29 minutes ago, tkcali510 said:

I have found that in relationships, the more you set the other free, the more they are likely to come back to you. But the more restrictions you put on them, the more they are likely to drift away. I think the biggest mistake people make is thinking "I just need to be attractive at the beginning of the relationship." I think you need to be attractive throughout the lifetime of the relationship. As a man, you need to be busy with your own life. Neediness will repel her. Has she become your life, or just part of your life? If she is just part of your life, then you should give her freedom to live her own social life. You should be doing your own social things. At the end of the day, you both come home to each other anyway, so why does any of this matter? To keep a relationship fresh, BOTH parties need space. Space is what keep you guys coming back to each other.

I agree with this. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

21 hours ago, Spec1 said:

my gf(pretty much at this point wife)

What is a "pretty much" wife? 

Anyway, a few points I would like to make:

1. In my experience, one partner is usually more into the other partner--either because one partner has a higher SMV, one partner is more confident of having other options, etc... A lot of this is subconscious. 

2. People show their love differently. Sometimes I get a little sad when my husband doesn't do exactly what I find to be romantic and thoughtful, then I remind myself of all the ways he DOES show me love and affection. I appreciate those efforts once I focus on them. (This is not to say we have a perfect relationship. We don't.) Sounds like you two have different Love Languages. 

3. Whining, begging and complaining is a turn-off, no matter which gender does it. You see how doing this backfires. Either accept what you get, or look for someone who is a closer match. You will make both of you miserable by trying to force things. I am still practicing what I preach in this regard.

[FMW]

As @ExpatInItaly asked, do other spouses/significant others go to the events to which she doesn't invite you?  If so, then I can understand you feeling left out.  But if the gatherings are mostly of co-workers, I understand her not asking you..

My work related happy hours are almost exclusively employees, and I always think it seems a little awkward if spouses/SOs show up.

[spiderowl]

I can understand you feel jealous, but a work celebration like a leaving party is usually for colleagues only, specifically the team you work with and maybe a few from other departments that the person comes into regular contact with.  If I had still been married, I would not have expected to invite my husband to my leaving do.  Mostly, it is something that colleagues arrange for the person leaving and it is a special time to show how much they care for the colleague they are losing.  It is not about partners.

My ex did come to some events, like the summer picnic and Christmas celebration, but only if he wanted to.  A leaving do is something different; it is where she says goodbye to her colleagues and those that have become friends.  I don't think you need to feel jealous over this.

How would you feel if you girlfriend was upset if you didn't invite her to every event you had going on at work? We tend to judge for ourselves what kind of events our partners might like to attend and what would just be too involved or work-orientated for them to feel comfortable.

I don't think this signifies that your girlfriend is neglecting you or up to no good.  She would feel torn as if she was neglecting her colleagues if she had to pay attention to you too.

Edited July 31, 2021 by spiderowl

[basil67]

I think the answer to this is cut and dry.  If other partners are invited to this event, it would be reasonable of her to invite you too.   But if it's strictly colleagues attending, then she should attend on her own.

[usa1ah]

On 7/29/2021 at 4:45 PM, Spec1 said:

 Short story long… 🤔 nvm.

I’m in need of a reality check and get my mind and emotions under control. You could call it a spout of jealousy or exclusion.

my gf(pretty much at this point wife)… is changing jobs, is actually getting a huge promotion and is actually coming to work at the company I’m at. All aspects of our relationship is fantastic and no real issues out side of this post. 
 

for the 2 1/2 years she’s been at her current job I’ve never been included in anything work related as far as company party’s(other spouses were always invited), going out for drinks with co-workers, going to her co-workers party’s, etc… I’ve actually only formally met her boss and his wife that work at the same place one time and that was because I brought her lunch as I usually do(but any other time they were never around). 
 

I always shrugged that aspect off and it never bothered me she wouldn’t invite me on her own to any of it. However, today is actually bothering me. As both today and tomorrow she will be out with co-workers to celebrate her departure. Today is because apparently a co-worker can’t make tomorrow’s outing so they invited her, her boss, and wife over for drinks and to cookout. (I’ll come back to this one as the way everything was planned was backwards…) 

tomorrow, she will be going out with the rest of her co-workers to some bar. That was the original plan before today’s plans. I got pretty butt hurt that she didn’t invite me to tomorrow’s plans with everyone as it’s a huge thing and being apart of her journey there with being supportive… I was pretty hurt to not even be asked if I’d like to partake in it. sure I don’t really know anyone but well how would I ever get to do that when being left out?

so I approached her about it as it was clear she wasn’t even going to think twice about it… which turned into her calling me while at work. 

of course she didn’t understand what I was feeling and took it personal. We’ve always been great at trying to be understanding. This is where we are different as I instantly invite her and include her in everything I’m doing as I enjoy her being around especially fun events that gets us out together whether it’s with others or not. I even invite her out when I’m going for drinks with my friend. So maybe that’s part of the reason I’m taking it harder than should. We are two different individual people at the end of the day.

anyway which leads into today, so after that talk that turned into a argument… today’s plans came about yesterday. She text me about it saying they invited us over and that she’s inviting me to it… but this is while things are still tense and uncomfortable for both of us. Come to find out her boss overheard the convo  when she called. So now that she invited me it would’ve just made things awkward tonight even if I were to go… not only did her invite come from what felt like pitty but now others that will be there know. So of course I had to tell her it would probably be for the best I don’t go. She didn’t hesitate to say ok that’s fine. 
 

it shouldn’t of turned into this like I’m coming off controlling because I’m not and have never been controlling with her but the way it played out turned into it looks like I am to everyone
. I just wish she would’ve reciprocated what I do for her especially when it’s something like a job promotion that are few and far between. At least give her the option so she knows I’m thinking of her. 

Clearly I’m having a bought of jealousy, and trust me I know it’s not her responsibility to make me happy, it’s not her job to include me in every aspect of her life. Part of me feels like I allowed my internal thoughts to create a mountain out of a mole hill. However, the other side can’t let go of the way I see it. An that is I would want her to be apart of the celebration after supporting me all that time if I was in her shoes. I wouldn’t of let her get to the point of having to approach me. Then the other side of me is saying “you’re being selfish right now and this isn’t about me but about her and her moment”. 
 

so I’m putting a smile on and going back to my supportive roll while I’m confused a bit inside. 
 

 

Did you ever stop to think why she never invited you to any of these functions was? I can understand not being invited to some but never being invited to anything WTF

 

Could it be she doesn’t care for you as much as you do for her? That maybe she is just waiting for the right guy to come along to leave you. 

Edited July 31, 2021 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

On 7/29/2021 at 5:10 PM, d0nnivain said:

Other than the occasional holiday party the norm in my industry has never included SOs at Happy Hours, promotions etc.   It would be odd indeed to include "outsiders".  Work stuff is work & social / personal are separate.  I would be bored stupid at my SOs work things where they talk shop & I'm left to fend for myself.  I probably have even less in common with the SOs of my SOs colleagues.  It all sounds awful.  

Presumably you will now be more involved in your GF's work social life because you will be employed by the same company.  

Offer to pick her up after these last two good bye / farewell events so she doesn't risk a DWI but who cares if she has one last hurrah with people you will never see or hear about again?  

But OP said others have their SO’s with them. 

[usa1ah]

It could also be that she didn’t know how to introduce you to her work husband. 

[Caauug]

On 7/30/2021 at 4:45 AM, Spec1 said:

so I approached her about it as it was clear she wasn’t even going to think twice about it… which turned into her calling me while at work. 

of course she didn’t understand what I was feeling and took it personal.

Maybe she can't invite you? Not because of it being a work function, but because what she has done/said at work that everyone knows about.... And she doesn't want you to know.....

Actions speak louder than words. Look at her actions.... She's been in and out of a crappy marriage. She's been on and off with you, dumped you for 6 months... Dealing with an "autoimmune illness" that has killed your sex life...  Now doesn't want work mates to meet BF.... Likely more, but that's enough...

I think the work mates know too much and she doesn't want that information transferred to you. Once her employment changes and she is no longer there, the less of a chance of that information will leak back/out. 

On 7/30/2021 at 4:45 AM, Spec1 said:

my gf(pretty much at this point wife)… is changing jobs, is actually getting a huge promotion and is actually coming to work at the company I’m at.

Will she be your supervisor or rank higher than you are? Does she have a high position now than you do or earn more money than you do? If yes, maybe she is just embarrassed of you? Human nature says she should be attracted to someone with higher status and more resources that she has.... 

On 7/30/2021 at 4:45 AM, Spec1 said:

All aspects of our relationship is fantastic and no real issues out side of this post.

That's a load of crap.... I have read some of your other threads....  "Internal tug of war" is a good read....

It appears you are invested way more into her than she is into you. I suggest you get back on your own track and work on you.... Your actions towards her are lowering her attraction to you, making you look weak or desperate for her attention. Putting her on a pedestal is clouding your perspective of the R...