Found out from mutual friend that a friend got divorced- should I contact her or what should I do?

[max3732]

I've never been in this situation before. A mutual friend told me that this friend just got divorced and said they made arrangements with the house, kids and everything. I was kind of shocked since I've never had any friends that have been divorced while I've known them before and I talked to her about my dating experiences and asked about what worked with her now ex-husband.

Is the polite thing to reach out to her and tell her the mutual friend told me what happened and say I'm sorry and hope she's doing ok? Or wait until she contacts me? She and the mutual friend are much closer than we are and see each other every week while I only see her every now and then.

How can I be a good friend here?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, max3732 said:

  Or wait until she contacts me? 

Yes. Don't contact her. Are you interested in her? It could come across as opportunistic if you are single/looking.

People in the throes of divorce need time to process, reflect and be with people they are close to.

"Hey, I heard you're divorcing", just doesn't come off too well.

[Donnas]

Doesnt seem like she is close to you.

So is she was you woulda get the message from herself about her divorce.

Divorce is something else then if you hear someone has died.

Divorce is more private and some may also feel ashamed for others to know early on. And only tell really close family and freinds first. Best is to wait till she tell you herself or when you see her ask her how she is doing and let her tell you herself.

Otherwise its gonna look like a  gossip parade. 

[basil67]

If you were close enough where you should reach out, she would have already disclosed the divorce to you.   Just mention it when you talk to her next.

[stillafool]

I know when I divorced I didn't want to discuss him anymore even with close friends.  I wouldn't reach out and say anything if I were you.

[max3732]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Don't contact her. Are you interested in her? It could come across as opportunistic if you are single/looking.

People in the throes of divorce need time to process, reflect and be with people they are close to.

"Hey, I heard you're divorcing", just doesn't come off too well.

Definitely not interested in her as anything more than a friend. We played sports together and I last saw her like a month ago. 

I'll give it some time before I reach out to her again. I just feel really bad for the kids and the whole situation. 

[ShyViolet]

The process of divorce takes a significant amount of time.  If you didn't know that she was getting divorced, then you must not be close friends.  Don't reach out to her just because you heard she got divorced, if you wouldn't otherwise have been reaching out to her anyway.  That's a weird reason to reach out to someone.  If you say "I heard you got divorced" then that means someone told you, which might make her feel weird because people are talking about her personal business.

If you want to reach out to her then just reach out to her as a normal friend and say "Hey, it's been a while, let's catch up sometime" and let her tell you her personal business if she chooses to.

[glows]

4 hours ago, max3732 said:

Definitely not interested in her as anything more than a friend. We played sports together and I last saw her like a month ago. 

I'll give it some time before I reach out to her again. I just feel really bad for the kids and the whole situation. 

That's very empathetic and kind of you and you're coming from a good place but you feeling bad isn't really her problem. If you want to be supportive don't treat her any differently when you see her or throughout the process and lend a listening ear. A little goes a long way. The last thing she needs to worry about is helping her friends feel better about her divorce (which may be a good thing, by the way). Try not to judge too hastily about what's going on or based on what others are gossiping or saying about her.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, max3732 said:

I just feel really bad for the kids and the whole situation. 

Have you considered that she may not feel bad about it all?   If the home environment was bad enough to divorce, then she and the kid are better off out of it.   They are likely focussing on a fresh start rather than being sad about the past.