When You're No Longer Important

[Mia Green 1985]

How do you let go when he's let go of you?

My MM has been doing the slow fade. I feel kind of foolish because I feel like we were so close, almost as if he was my best friend, and now that we are drifting apart, I feel kind of 'used' in a way, because I didn't think he would want me to just be out of his life in every aspect in it's entirety y'know? I mean, he's always told me he trusts me more than anyone, he cares about me, he appreciates me, blah blah. So how does someone move on from the hurt and pain of someone just up and not caring for them anymore after a 4 year relationship? I know the affair was never going to end with just us, Im not completely silly, but I guess I thought maybe we were closer than that, that we weren't you're average run of the mill affair partners, or am I just that naive and that is what every OW thinks? 

I just feel so hurt that he didn't seem to have cared about me as much as I do him. It is a big blow to my self esteem, like, why am I not worth it. I created time for him, I was always there for him whenever he needed me, all in all, I was an amazing friend...

To add,

Our affair was more on the emotional level, not really physical. 

Edited July 30, 2021 by Mia Green 1985
typos

[glows]

I'm not sure how others do it. I have the "good riddance" mentality. If someone doesn't value your time or your person, celebrate your freedom. It's a good thing. 

You're now free to experience reciprocal love/care with someone who's actually available.

[BaileyB]

53 minutes ago, Mia Green 1985 said:

Im not completely silly, but I guess I thought maybe we were closer than that, that we weren't you're average run of the mill affair partners, or am I just that naive and that is what every OW thinks? 

Read these boards and you will learn that every OW believes this - their affair is different, what they share is special, that he would never just leave and hurt her… In part, because that’s exactly what he wants his OW to believe. For if the woman did not believe that, she would feel used and set aside by a man who is committed to another woman.

I’m sorry that this has happened to you. I would take this as a learning opportunity - next time, place your trust more wisely. Respect relationship boundaries. Develop your own self esteem and self worth such that you will never invite or allow this kind of person/situation into your life again. 

 

Edited July 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[Vivalavi]

4 hours ago, Mia Green 1985 said:

How do you let go when he's let go of you?

My MM has been doing the slow fade. I feel kind of foolish because I feel like we were so close, almost as if he was my best friend, and now that we are drifting apart, I feel kind of 'used' in a way, because I didn't think he would want me to just be out of his life in every aspect in it's entirety y'know? I mean, he's always told me he trusts me more than anyone, he cares about me, he appreciates me, blah blah. So how does someone move on from the hurt and pain of someone just up and not caring for them anymore after a 4 year relationship? I know the affair was never going to end with just us, Im not completely silly, but I guess I thought maybe we were closer than that, that we weren't you're average run of the mill affair partners, or am I just that naive and that is what every OW thinks? 

I just feel so hurt that he didn't seem to have cared about me as much as I do him. It is a big blow to my self esteem, like, why am I not worth it. I created time for him, I was always there for him whenever he needed me, all in all, I was an amazing friend...

To add,

Our affair was more on the emotional level, not really physical. 

I don't know what to tell you to feel better because I have been struggling with similar feeling for a while now. I wanted to believe he cared because I cared. How could you share yourself emotionally and physically if you don't care? How could you keep in touch every day for over 500 days if that person is just one of many? 

I understand your pain. It's not a good place to be. 

[Luvlymermaid]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It is never an easy pill to swallow no matter who the person is than shows a lack of care. The only piece of advice is that which I attempt to follow myself…… what someone else does or does not say or do usually has nothing to do with the person they are doing/ not doing it to. You gave your heart to a person who was in no position to have it and now it is time to take it back. Every moment you put your focus on him you continue to take away from yourself. Start giving that same love to yourself that you freely gave to him. I am not suggesting it is easy but even if you are able to reclaim one moment each day that is more than you had before. I hope you are able to find some peace and start loving yourself because you deserve it. 

[Luna66star]

I'm so sorry for your pain.  I've been there too with a MM.  It's excruciating. I vacillated constantly between not feeling good enough and hating him.  Abandonment was a huge feeling for me.  

You've been close for 4 yrs.  It's no wonder you're hurting so bad.  It's very cowardly for him to slow fade you without an explanation or a sorry.  You gave him so much.  He owes it to you to be frank and open, yet compassionate as well. Slow fade is cruel as it leaves you hanging with no closure.  Plus all your emotions, which AP usually have to handle on their own.  Shame on him 

MM often have things better at home after a time, or they find someone else.  Either way, he owes you at least some closure.  He's  comfortable at home while you're trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered heart.

MM I was involved with was a very poor communicator, which is not at all surprising.  He couldn't openly express anything to his wife, including why he wasn't happy with their marriage.

And then there's us - who feel I incredibly sorry for their pleight and want to help.  You're a caring, loving person who has compassion for others.  In that sense you are not to blame.

He took advantage of you, knowing he could never reciprocate the type of love you deserved.  He's not the one for you.  

After a long period of grieving, I accepted it was over. I sometimes reminisce about our wonderful memories.  

The friendship, compassion, activities, etc  we shared I'll always keep tucked away in my back pocket.

That is where they will remain as I move on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Starswillshine]

7 hours ago, Luna66star said:

It's very cowardly for him to slow fade you without an explanation or a sorry.  You gave him so much.  He owes it to you to be frank and open, yet compassionate as well.

I agree it is cowardly. But we all have to let go of the notion that someone owes us something. There is always an idea we have of what should happen, but everyone should live in true reality of what actually happens. The moment we get to that place, it is much easier to let go of the anger that comes along with being slighted. Cowardly people do not do what they should do. Accept that notion. Sad, but its reality. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

19 hours ago, Mia Green 1985 said:

I guess I thought maybe we were closer than that, that we weren't you're average run of the mill affair partners, or am I just that naive and that is what every OW thinks?

Pretty much.

If you read enough stories on the OW/OM forum here, you'll see people saying their affair was not average so often it begins to sound cliche. 

I think you would do well to read voraciously several threads by OW here to get your bearings. It will help make sense of a lot of what you are now experiencing. 

[NYAG]

On 7/30/2021 at 9:29 PM, Mia Green 1985 said:

How do you let go when he's let go of you?

My MM has been doing the slow fade. I feel kind of foolish because I feel like we were so close, almost as if he was my best friend, and now that we are drifting apart, I feel kind of 'used' in a way, because I didn't think he would want me to just be out of his life in every aspect in it's entirety y'know? I mean, he's always told me he trusts me more than anyone, he cares about me, he appreciates me, blah blah. So how does someone move on from the hurt and pain of someone just up and not caring for them anymore after a 4 year relationship? I know the affair was never going to end with just us, Im not completely silly, but I guess I thought maybe we were closer than that, that we weren't you're average run of the mill affair partners, or am I just that naive and that is what every OW thinks? 

I just feel so hurt that he didn't seem to have cared about me as much as I do him. It is a big blow to my self esteem, like, why am I not worth it. I created time for him, I was always there for him whenever he needed me, all in all, I was an amazing friend...

To add,

Our affair was more on the emotional level, not really physical. 

You've served your purpose. Maybe he found someone else who gave him more than just the emotional side. All you can do is be thankfully it wasn't 8 or 15 or 20 years of your life. Treat it as a lesson learned and move on. He is gone and that's all there is to it. It's a hard truth, but the truth nonetheless. Realise that he was not special, he was like all the other MMs. Turning it over in your mind isn't going to change anything. Learn from the lessons. 

[Bubble_20]

I don’t really have anything meaningful to add. Other than I’m going through a similar situation myself after almost three years in my ‘relationship’. 
The long gaps between communication are telling in my case after so much interaction (physical and emotional) for three years.
The slow fade causes anxiety because deep down we know that this is the end. Maybe we hope that something stressful is happening in their lives and they just can’t reach out. I’ve mulled over so many reasons for the radio silence but the bottom line is… they would contact us, if they really wanted to. 
As many have said on other threads, a formal closure from MM (which is what we really need) is rare and I think it’s because they fear the drama of it. Despite how close we think we are to MM.
The slow fade is painful especially when you’ve placed yourself on their list of priorities and considered yourself very important in their lives. We really aren’t. 
 

This is now a grief process and although we might crave for them to reach out and validate us again (which, if those of us in this situation are honest about) is what we getting from these affair situations, communicating again will only prolong the inevitable and halt the healing process.

 For whatever reason, the most obvious of course is that they are unavailable, these side relationships can’t continue.  
Look after yourself.

[torn_heart]

On 8/1/2021 at 6:02 AM, Bubble_20 said:

I don’t really have anything meaningful to add. Other than I’m going through a similar situation myself after almost three years in my ‘relationship’. 
The long gaps between communication are telling in my case after so much interaction (physical and emotional) for three years.
The slow fade causes anxiety because deep down we know that this is the end. Maybe we hope that something stressful is happening in their lives and they just can’t reach out. I’ve mulled over so many reasons for the radio silence but the bottom line is… they would contact us, if they really wanted to. 
As many have said on other threads, a formal closure from MM (which is what we really need) is rare and I think it’s because they fear the drama of it. Despite how close we think we are to MM.
The slow fade is painful especially when you’ve placed yourself on their list of priorities and considered yourself very important in their lives. We really aren’t. 
 

This is now a grief process and although we might crave for them to reach out and validate us again (which, if those of us in this situation are honest about) is what we getting from these affair situations, communicating again will only prolong the inevitable and halt the healing process.

 For whatever reason, the most obvious of course is that they are unavailable, these side relationships can’t continue.  
Look after yourself.

How long have you been NC?

I can say this from a MM perspective. I'm still dealing with the pain and anxiety of NC with my ex-OW, I wish I could reach her, have a friendly chat, confide again and so on. But I won't, not unless I'm fully single, because otherwise we might have a small good time, as I wish, but then it will again cause more pain. I know she isn't waiing for me, and she shouldn't, it's been a couple of weeks of full NC, even though we didn't have a huge fight last time, and we even talk/text a little the day after, but now I can't get myself to send even a single text, I miss her a lot, but I can't put myself there again to have a good time at the expense of causing more pain for both of us. She has also gone silent.

I can't say about all MM out there, but at least I think that there's a moment where you care that much about the OW, where both are too involved with each other, that the only way to not hurt her (and yourself) more is to go silent, put yourself together, decide what you really want, and then see if there's still a window in case you want to pursue OW, but stop playing games, those games that were so amazing at the beginning, but because of how amazing they were, they are now the cause of so much pain.

[Bubble_20]

30 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

How long have you been NC?

I can say this from a MM perspective. I'm still dealing with the pain and anxiety of NC with my ex-OW, I wish I could reach her, have a friendly chat, confide again and so on. But I won't, not unless I'm fully single, because otherwise we might have a small good time, as I wish, but then it will again cause more pain. I know she isn't waiing for me, and she shouldn't, it's been a couple of weeks of full NC, even though we didn't have a huge fight last time, and we even talk/text a little the day after, but now I can't get myself to send even a single text, I miss her a lot, but I can't put myself there again to have a good time at the expense of causing more pain for both of us. She has also gone silent.

I can't say about all MM out there, but at least I think that there's a moment where you care that much about the OW, where both are too involved with each other, that the only way to not hurt her (and yourself) more is to go silent, put yourself together, decide what you really want, and then see if there's still a window in case you want to pursue OW, but stop playing games, those games that were so amazing at the beginning, but because of how amazing they were, they are now the cause of so much pain.

It’s nice to hear your perspective on  things. 
I am single with kids and he is married with kids also. We’ve never made any promises to each other as we both realise what a huge and devastating blow that would be to all concerned if we decided to peruse a ‘proper’ relationship. Although of course, we’ve fantasised about how different things would be if we’d met before… that kind of thing.  

That’s why it’s so confusing as to why I’ve been friend-zoned (at best!). It’s been well over a week which is highly unusual- his last response to my message was totally missing the loving/emotional vibe and could well have been sent from a work colleague. I replied with my usual text which was read but never replied to. 
In the last couple of years we have both come on really strong (inevitable, I guess when you’re  sharing so much of yourselves) and I’d say we were not just a FWB kind of thing. But inappropriate relationship non the less.

Something has definitely shifted for him, I just expected something other than a ghosting. 

   

 

Edited August 2, 2021 by Bubble_20

[torn_heart]

4 minutes ago, Bubble_20 said:

It’s nice to hear your perspective on  things. 
I am single with kids and he is married with kids also. We’ve never made any promises to each other as we both realise what a huge and devastating blow that would be to all concerned if we decided to peruse a ‘proper’ relationship. Although of course, we’ve fantasised about how different things would be if we’d met before… that kind of thing.  

That’s why it’s so confusing as to why I’ve been friend-zoned (at best!). It’s been well over a week which is highly unusual- his last response to my message was totally missing the loving/emotional vibe and could well have been sent from a work colleague. I replied with my usual text which was read but never replied to. 
Something has definitely shifted for him, I just expected something other than a ghosting. 

   

 

In my case this started when I felt that I was falling in love with her. Since then my anxiety and the guilt feeling started,  and I thought it was time to end things. She beat me to it, and since then it has been a roller coaster.

Afterwards we have had a back and fourth, but I couldn't be the same loving one, because it didn't feel right, he might have reached this turning point, where the guilt is just too much, doesn't mean that he doesn't care, but it just feels wrong. In my case the trigger was that I fell in love with her, don't know about him.

P.S. I'm talking from my experience, he might be way different

[Bubble_20]

1 hour ago, torn_heart said:

In my case this started when I felt that I was falling in love with her. Since then my anxiety and the guilt feeling started,  and I thought it was time to end things. She beat me to it, and since then it has been a roller coaster.

Afterwards we have had a back and fourth, but I couldn't be the same loving one, because it didn't feel right, he might have reached this turning point, where the guilt is just too much, doesn't mean that he doesn't care, but it just feels wrong. In my case the trigger was that I fell in love with her, don't know about him.

P.S. I'm talking from my experience, he might be way different

We’ve said similar to each other over the years but it’s always quickly damped down with ‘we know we can’t have what we want’. 
I guess it’s run it’s course. We’ve tried to end things before and failed miserably. It just intensifies the feelings thinking we’ll never see each other/communicate again. 

It just makes moving on so much harder without the conversation that this is what he wants. Despite it being the right thing to do of course! 

[torn_heart]

25 minutes ago, Bubble_20 said:

We’ve said similar to each other over the years but it’s always quickly damped down with ‘we know we can’t have what we want’. 
I guess it’s run it’s course. We’ve tried to end things before and failed miserably. It just intensifies the feelings thinking we’ll never see each other/communicate again. 

It just makes moving on so much harder without the conversation that this is what he wants. Despite it being the right thing to do of course! 

Something that has stuck with me while reading this forum, and I think it's er real. MM, specially the ones that are here, or described here, are no confrontational people. So we do this kind of things when we want to walk away.

[Bubble_20]

13 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Something that has stuck with me while reading this forum, and I think it's er real. MM, specially the ones that are here, or described here, are no confrontational people. So we do this kind of things when we want to walk away.

I think you’re right. It’s just maddening when they are often the ones that kick things off in the first place. Well, in my case and lots of posts I’ve read on here too. We’d liked each other from a distance for a couple of years prior but I didn’t really know his relationship status. When I asked him out right and he told me he was married, my mind closed off immediately. I wasn’t interested. 
There was a lot of contact from him to push hanging out together and well, I didn’t say no and things rapidly developed.
So I guess, even though I have no right to expect any respect from him, considering how we’ve been carrying on, he could have just finished things properly. I suppose it’s more than I deserve though and i need to spend some time reflecting on why I allowed this to happen.

I hope the OP is still here? I feel I’ve hijacked her thread! 

 

 

Edited August 2, 2021 by Bubble_20

[mark clemson]

On 7/30/2021 at 1:29 PM, Mia Green 1985 said:

I just feel so hurt that he didn't seem to have cared about me as much as I do him. It is a big blow to my self esteem, like, why am I not worth it. I created time for him, I was always there for him whenever he needed me, all in all, I was an amazing friend...

I'd guess that, if he continues to want to stay married, continued contact with you constitutes a big risk for him. In a perfect world he would (I suspect) prefer to continue the friendship (which essentially continues the EA aspect). But in the real world, the more he stays in contact with you, the greater the continued risk that the affair might be discovered, with all the potential consequences of that, etc. So quite possibly continued, limited contact is now seen as "not worth the risk".

That's what I think is a reasonable conjecture as to what he may be thinking. As others have pointed out, going NC provides the opportunity for you to emotionally recover and eventually move on (as you might in any relationship) with the positive element that you now have the opportunity to (eventually) find someone you can fully have (something that wasn't going to be the case with the affair).

Edited August 2, 2021 by mark clemson

[solostand]

14 hours ago, Bubble_20 said:

 I suppose it’s more than I deserve though and i need to spend some time reflecting on why I allowed this to happen.

 

You deserve everything the Universe has to offer. Don't talk to yourself like that please. When you talk to yourself like that, you eventually believe it. So just stop telling yourself you do not deserve happiness. You do. We all do.

[czanclus]

On 7/30/2021 at 3:29 PM, Mia Green 1985 said:

So how does someone move on from the hurt and pain of someone just up and not caring for them anymore after a 4 year relationship? I know the affair was never going to end with just us, Im not completely silly, but I guess I thought maybe we were closer than that, that we weren't you're average run of the mill affair partners, or am I just that naive and that is what every OW thinks? 

With great difficulty. I am sorry this is happening to you, and the problem seems to be rather common. I will briefly relate my situation to underline the "common" part and to let you know I very well understand how it feels to be ghosted once a man chooses someone else for a relationship.

I've never been the OW in a relationship, but I have felt and am still feeling the grief of someone (my college ex in this case) abandoning the connection and solid friendship we had for over a decade once he finally found a girlfriend two years ago. We dated in college, and this man was my world. He didn't feel for me as strongly as I did for him (but still thought that it wasn't worth his effort to break us up), so after two years of this mostly one-sided relationship I decided it makes no sense for me to keep being someone's settlement, and I called it quits. This was over 16 years ago. We've remained good friends since, and even though he lives on the other side of the country, every time he was in town he'd make time to see me (and my kid). It was never more than platonic, and it was perfect every time. He dated no one in the meantime (15 years!), and I in the meantime had a child and a couple of attempted relationships after calling it quits w my child's dad 10 years ago. Anyway, 14 years of steady friendship, then the girlfriend happens (she asks him out, he accepts, the relationship develops). He and I continue to text with the same frequency as before, same content as before, we make plans for me to meet his girlfriend when they get to my town (where his family lives) for the next visit. Covid happens, intercepts that plan, and then within 2 months he. just. stops. texting. Radio. Freakin'. Silence. June 2020.

It is today, and I still fail to make any sense of it. Like you, I thought he and I were solid. I thought no one would ever dissolve that friendship. I even explicitly asked him once if his girlfriend has any objections to our interaction. I pointed out (as if it needed pointing out at all) that everything I text him I'd have no problem with her reading, and none of it - none of it - had anything remotely resembling flirting, personal emotional issues, topics concerning relationships... It's things like math, coding, running... It's so weird how a man who once said to me that if he ever decided we should no longer talk to each other, he would communicate it in a way "much classier than radio silence" and yet - here we are.

On a stray occasion, I entertain the thought that she - a woman who can by age practically be my daughter - blocked this communication because she felt threatened in some way by me, but as obliquely flattering as that may feel, it just doesn't compute. Somewhere at some point he absolved the notion that heterosexual men and women who are not in relationship cannot be platonic friends... and just like that - up and left. I know better now, but mere two years ago, I would have bet my entire present and future life savings that I would never be telling this story to strangers in a similar predicament.

Stay strong, don't let it make you doubt your worth. Good luck.

Edited August 12, 2021 by czanclus

[BourneWicked]

Czanclus sorry to read your story. I think it is possible the new gf told him "no more". And for good reason... this seems to be the only relationship with a guy that has meaning in your mind at the moment. 

I'm sorry for what you are going for. When I gave up talking to the guy in my situation, the hardest loss was that, the loss of a friend who I trusted and could talk to about anything. Someone who truly encouraged me and cared about me.  

Ultimately, it's time for new friendships or relationships. Which is sad and easier said than done. 

When you say: he didn't feel as strongly as you did. That's the piece right there. An unbalanced relationship doesn't typically work out (as you noted) and you deserve someone who likes you back at at least the same level.