jiltedpanda Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 I suppose I should start at the beginning… I noticed my husband was behaving strangely, but he had just received a big promotion, so I thought it was just work stress. Every time I asked him if there was something wrong, he would deny it or blame work. Things just continued to get progressively worse, and I didn’t know it at the time, but he was showing a lot of the typical cheater signs. I tried my hardest to support him and make home life as easy as possible for him, but things were never good enough for him. We had a fight one night because he told me he would be home soon but 3 hours later he was a no show. This had become a common occurrence in the last few months and I had finally reached my boiling point. When I called him, it turned into a fight which he made out to be my fault and he told me he felt it would be best if we separated. He never came home and the next day he sent his brother and sister-in-law to come get some of his things and to give me a letter which was him informing me he was leaving me because he was no longer in love with me, and he thought it would be better for both of us if we just separated now while we were still friends. I completely fell apart. I tried to call and text him non-stop for longer than I should’ve, but he completely ignored me. I sent him hundreds of messages begging him to explain to me what was happening because I genuinely didn’t understand how that one small fight had ended everything. I thought we had a good marriage for the most part and this was just a rough patch because of work stress. I don’t want to make this post too long so I’m skimming over a lot of what happened, but I found out about a month ago that he is having an affair with a co-worker because he forgot to block my best friend from Facebook, and she finally had enough of watching me fall apart over him and showed me everything. I had started to suspect, but I was in denial until she showed me. I couldn’t handle being home because it just reminded me of him, so I left. I guess my husband knows I'm no longer staying in our home because he has been messaging me constantly asking where I am and pretending that he actually cares. He said he was losing his mind not knowing where I am or if I'm okay. He's asked to see me because he has something important to talk to me about. If it wasn't for my friends I would've broken down and responded to him but my best friend is adamant I let him suffer and I think she's right even though a big part of me wants to reply. My whole world feels like it’s fallen apart, and he just gets to skip over into a happy new relationship. I know most people in my situation probably felt the same way, but I never EVER thought he would do this to me/us. Some days I feel so angry I just want revenge; I want my husband and his mistress to hurt the way I’m hurting. I feel so hopeless, and I could use some wisdom from people who have been through this because right now I have no idea what to do or how to handle this. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 Oh Jane I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I agree with your friends to not contact him and let him know anything. He didn't even show you the respect to tell you this in person. When did this all happen? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
IslandSanctuary Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 I feel like there is a lot more to this story. I feel like he just had enough, enough is enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 I wonder if he was feeling like I did in a similar circumstance way back. You see, it was a fight such as this which made me leave my ex husband. While I wasn't cheating, his words made me realise that my doubts about the marriage were hurting him, so I stopped being indecisive and made the decision to leave. In the situation with your marriage, is it the case that things haven't been good for a while? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 11 hours ago, jiltedpanda said: . He never came home and the next day he sent his brother and sister-in-law to come get some of his things and to give me a letter which was him informing me he was leaving me Doesn't he have to file for divorce in your country? Ask your attorney about abandonment. Since he just took off, also ask if it's legal to change the locks. Make sure you get a wolverine for an attorney and file for divorce asap so you can sever finances before he cleans you out to finance his mistress. Stop letting him call the shots. Get a good therapist for the emotional side of this and an aggressive attorney for the logistical side of this. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Get a good therapist for the emotional side of this and an aggressive attorney for the logistical side of this. Totally agree. You will eventually need to communicate with him to disolve the marriage, OP, but it can be done through your respective lawyers. He doesn't get a vote in how you manage your pain or decide to proceed with your life. I am really sorry this happened to you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 I understand wanting answers, but the truth is, you may never get them. In my experience, one thing that can be said about most people who have affairs is that they have a very low level of self understanding, empathy or emotional intelligence. They are also self centred and genuinely feel there's nothing wrong with what they are doing. They will turn their mind into a pretzel trying to justify their actions. This may be one of those situations where you'll never know why he chose to have an affair. If you choose to walk away, it really won't matter. If he wants to reconcile and that's what you want too, it can happen. You two can be happy together again, however, that is predicated on him taking ownership of his actions, not blaming you for what he did and also having enough insight into himself to at least try and and understand why he did what he did. That tends to mean some pretty heavy duty counselling an a willingness for introspection. He may want to change. he may genuinely want to be a good husband, but without that depth of self knowledge, he'll be very prone to cheating again. That will hold true whether you two stay together or he goes off into the sunset with his OW. She'll soon find herself right where you are, wondering why he chose to cheat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jiltedpanda Posted July 31, 2021 Author Share Posted July 31, 2021 Thanks everyone for responding. He left over 2 months ago but was acting strange since January. From my perspective our marriage was good, I thought his change in behaviour was just a rough patch, but obviously he doesn't feel the same way. He never mentioned being unhappy with our relationship, no matter how many times I asked him, he would always just blame work stress for being so distant. He wants us to legally separate instead of immediately going to divorce. I agreed to this before I knew he was seeing someone else because I was hoping he would realise he had made a mistake and come back. I'll admit I have been entirely useless when it comes to getting legal representation for myself or a therapist. He told me he would have his lawyer contact me with everything and that he wanted things to be fair but he still hasn't. I think the worst part about all of this is the fact that he couldn't have just been honest with me. He didn't even have the decency to end things in person and he lied to his brother and sister-in-law about what was in the letter so that they would give it to me for him. I never thought he would be such a coward. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 3 minutes ago, jiltedpanda said: He wants us to legally separate instead of immediately going to divorce. Contact an aggressive attorney asap. This is your decision, not his. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 4 hours ago, jiltedpanda said: He wants us to legally separate instead of immediately going to divorce. This is only so he can take a trial run with the OW and if things don't work out with her he'll come slithering back to you. Don't fall for it. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 6 hours ago, jiltedpanda said: He wants us to legally separate instead of immediately going to divorce. Depends on your location and the laws there. This might be the correct way of doing it. Legal separation should give you the division of assets and all legal aspects of the separation ie: No stalking etc. If the above is the case, the D will only give you the legal right to remarry and you may have to wait a year for that after the legal separation. As said before, go get legal representation or a lawyer. If your husband's lawyer draws up the division of assets in the legal separation you will still want a lawyer to look over it for your protection. Keep your visit to the facts only, try to keep emotions out of it. Longer you take the more it will cost (less you end up with). If need be, write the time line of facts before you visit. Write down any questions before you visit. Just keep in mind most lawyers will want to string this out in time, longer it takes the more money they make. It is to your benefit to keep the number of visits, letters phone calls low. If you can, deal directly with your H to get a better deal. You don't want to give the house to the lawyers because of a fight over the boat motor in the garage... (Yes, it's happened before..) Are there children between you? If yes, it may not be straight forward as above. LS has members that are world wide, not all regions/countries/states/provinces have the same laws, find out what they are for you. Look up the family court web page for your local area, most should give you a brief run down of what is required and the process. If the wedding took place out of the country you now reside in, also check the laws of the country you were married in. Get educated in the process for you. Good Luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 If you decide to divorce, be aware that in some jurisdictions, if there is court-admissible evidence of an affair, it may net you a more favorable outcome. That varies a lot by jurisdiction and would be a question for your lawyer. While this is by no means a recommendation, in a few jurisdictions, if you divorce "due to an affair", it may be possible to sue his affair partner. This is known as "alienation of affection" in the US. While I suspect it may often be used mostly as a way for people with money to "punish" people without it via the legal system and/or vain attempts to squeeze blood out of a rock financially, there are probably some cases where it may make sense to pursue. So again something to be aware of and ask a lawyer about in case it makes sense for your situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 Wow. And I thought I was crappy person. This makes me look like Saint Agnes. He sent his brother and his wife and asked for a separation by letter. Lol. Strong coward. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Can’t imagine how it must hurt, but you’ll rise up out of it. He’s a chump. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Wow. And I thought I was crappy person. This makes me look like Saint Agnes. He sent his brother and his wife and asked for a separation by letter. Lol. Strong coward. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Can’t imagine how it must hurt, but you’ll rise up out of it. He’s a chump. That's not crappy!!!! How about telling your SO there are 3 now in the R and to "Deal with it and get over it" because it's not going to change... No other information offered. When separation was forced she gets all bent out of shape and angry for you not putting up with it.... Where's Chucky??? Do you not want to play Chucky??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 9 hours ago, mark clemson said: sue his affair partner. This exists, however it's a fools errand to run around throwing $1000s after this with rarely any worthwhile outcome. Sure it's academically/theoretically interesting but it's not practical. Not sure what attorneys cost in whatever jurisdiction, but only a shyster would recommend spending thousands pursuing longshots like this. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 17 hours ago, jiltedpanda said: I'll admit I have been entirely useless when it comes to getting legal representation for myself or a therapist. He told me he would have his lawyer contact me with everything and that he wanted things to be fair but he still hasn't. It sucks that he blind-sided you like this & as you say is now being a coward, not telling you the truth or moving forward. I am starting to hear you getting mad. That is good. Anger is a more productive emotion than despair. It's time to get motivated to take action. Call a lawyer & a therapist. Whatever his lawyer presents you with won't be fair. It's not a lawyer's job to be fair. It's a lawyer's job to do the best for the client. It's why it's an adversarial system. Hang in there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: This exists, however it's a fools errand I very much tend to agree, WM2. I mention it since I have no idea who is posting, and they might happen to be one of the few folks in the world with a mindset to do this and a specific situation where it might actually makes sense. For most of us this sort of thing makes zero sense, I agree. Edited August 1, 2021 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jiltedpanda Posted August 1, 2021 Author Share Posted August 1, 2021 I've been researching divorce and lawyers all day today. It's been draining and I really don't want to do this but at least I have a list now. From what I read online I don't think we need to be legally separated here to get a divorce, so I'm even more confused about why he wanted to go that route now. We don't have any children... We were actually trying for a baby before he left and at the time not getting pregnant was devastating but now I think it was probably for the best. My husband sent me an ultimatum today - either I tell him where I am or he is going to hire someone to find me because he's so "worried" about me and he's scared something has happened because I'm not normally like this. I typed out a response but then I decided not to send it but I think I will have to speak to him soon. I don't get why he keeps pestering me when he has a girlfriend he should be having fun with. Ugh. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 1 hour ago, jiltedpanda said: From what I read online I don't think we need to be legally separated here to get a divorce, so I'm even more confused about why he wanted to go that route now. So he can come back if his new relationship doesn't work out. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 1 hour ago, jiltedpanda said: My husband sent me an ultimatum today - either I tell him where I am or he is going to hire someone to find me Did you leave the marital home? Where did he send his people to give you that idiotic letter? Call the police if he is threatening you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 Oh you poor thing. I wonder if he is trying to serve you with papers and that's why he's so desperate for contact. Surely you have friends in common who can confirm that you're OK, so his worry does not ring true. I'm glad you are moving forward with the legal representation. Take care of yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 It’s over, OP. Talk to a lawyer immediately. Your own legal representation and your own lawyer in this case. Get the information you need and start rearranging things in your mind even though your heart is in a million pieces. Be practical and thorough about this and take care of yourself. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, jiltedpanda said: I've been researching divorce and lawyers all day today. It's been draining and I really don't want to do this but at least I have a list now. From what I read online I don't think we need to be legally separated here to get a divorce, so I'm even more confused about why he wanted to go that route now. We don't have any children... We were actually trying for a baby before he left and at the time not getting pregnant was devastating but now I think it was probably for the best. My husband sent me an ultimatum today - either I tell him where I am or he is going to hire someone to find me because he's so "worried" about me and he's scared something has happened because I'm not normally like this. I typed out a response but then I decided not to send it but I think I will have to speak to him soon. I don't get why he keeps pestering me when he has a girlfriend he should be having fun with. Ugh. He might genuinely be worried Bc when you have an affair and break up with a person who built their life around you/loved you a lot through a note it might be out of fear they can get unstable or at least that’s a thought . Especially if they had any signs of any instability in the past ( not saying that’s you), but even if not you’re worried Bc you just you don’t know how they will react or what they’re going to do I think it’s over/relationship is cashed. It’s so sad. How long were you all dating/married. It’s so surprising for someone who you think loves you Edited August 1, 2021 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
Author jiltedpanda Posted August 1, 2021 Author Share Posted August 1, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Did you leave the marital home? Where did he send his people to give you that idiotic letter? Call the police if he is threatening you They came to the house to give me the letter, that was before I knew about the cheating. I left shortly after finding out. 1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said: I wonder if he is trying to serve you with papers and that's why he's so desperate for contact. Surely you have friends in common who can confirm that you're OK, so his worry does not ring true. Should I tell him that I'm finding a lawyer this week and he can send the papers to them? Or would it be silly to give him a warning? I don't want to see him so I feel pressure to say something to him now in case he just shows up unexpectedly. Only a select few of my friends know (I only confided in "my" friends, none of "our" friends know). He did call the friends who know but they all lied and said they hadn't spoken to me in weeks. 53 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: How long were you all dating/married We were together for 9 years, married for 5. Edited August 1, 2021 by jiltedpanda 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 Make sure you talk to a lawyer before making moves. You could end up hurting yourself. You do not want to be seen has abandoning your martial home and thus you lose it in the divorce. Every place is different, so we can't advise you fully. But you do not want to make any crucial mistakes. My heart aches for you. Sending you all the positive thoughts! Hugs. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
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