He's building his happily ever after on the rubble of my life

[glows]

See a lawyer privately. You’re still thinking as if you’re a couple. If he’s been cheating and deceiving you that bond is severed. Start thinking for yourself and take care of yourself independently from now on. Your lawyer will advise you going forward.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jiltedpanda said:

Should I tell him that I'm finding a lawyer this week and he can send the papers to them?

No, let your attorney take care of it. Avoid all information and confrontation. Change all your passwords. Check your credit scores. The less he knows, the better.

[jiltedpanda]

I feel so out of my depth here. I didn't even think that leaving would affect the divorce. Maybe I should go back? I just wish he had given me his keys so I didn't have to worry about him just turning up whenever he wanted, he did that a few times and it just made everything worse for me.

He has sent me so many texts and voicemails today. I think he is serious about hiring someone. I'm tempted to message his girlfriend to tell him to leave me alone but that would probably be childish. Should I remain silent or should I say something? I feel so nervous and I just have an awful feeling in my stomach today. My friends still think I should ignore him but they also think he is bluffing about hiring someone, but I don't think he is.

Thank you for all of the advice so far, you all have been so helpful!!

[d0nnivain]

Send one message that you are fine, despite the knife he stabbed you in the back with.  He can quit worrying & since he chose to cheat on you, he has no obligation to chase after you so you would appreciate it if he would stop pestering you.  When you go home, change the locks.  

[stillafool]

55 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Send one message that you are fine, despite the knife he stabbed you in the back with.  He can quit worrying & since he chose to cheat on you, he has no obligation to chase after you so you would appreciate it if he would stop pestering you.  When you go home, change the locks.  

I agree or have one of your friends contact him and tell him you are okay.  That way you don't have to talk to him.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

 I just wish he had given me his keys so I didn't have to worry about him just turning up whenever he wanted, he did that a few times and it just made everything worse for me.

You're making enormous mistakes. You cannot lock someone out of the marital home. You can run away, but what's the point?

Why are you hiding out?

You are asking friends for silly advice about no contact, when you need an attorney.

Are you legally married?  What is really going on?

Why did you leave the marital home if he's not there? If you are acting this way, get a restraining order.

 

Edited August 2, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Alvi]

16 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

He has sent me so many texts and voicemails today. I think he is serious about hiring someone. I'm tempted to message his girlfriend to tell him to leave me alone but that would probably be childish. Should I remain silent or should I say something? I feel so nervous and I just have an awful feeling in my stomach today. My friends still think I should ignore him but they also think he is bluffing about hiring someone, but I don't think he is.

Thank you for all of the advice so far, you all have been so helpful!!

OP, I am going to be brutally honest here. I think you are playing childish games. Consciously or subconsciously you wanted to get your husband's attention. Isn't it why you run away from your own home? Isn't it why you went radio silent on him? It's like you want him to worry about you and chase you.  If you hoping that your disappearing act is going to cause him to come back to you, then you wrong. It doesn't sounds like he is coming back, at least not for the foreseeable future. Even if he comes back, would you be able to trust him ever again? What kind of marriage would you have after that?

It is totally unfair how he treated you, no doubt about that. But it is what it is. You have no choice rather than to move on with your life. You need to keep strong and not to fall apart. That means you have to send him a  message that you are OK. And move back home. Did I misread something and he is physically threatening you in any way? In that case, I would advise you to move away. But if not, stay at your house, don't move anywhere else.

Your friends might mean well, but in a long run listening to them might do you more harm than good. 

Ask your husband to stop coming to your house whenever he pleases if that is what you are worrying about. Since he no longer lives there ask him to hand back his keys. At least for the time being. Tell him that whatever communication needs to be (or if he needs to get some things), it would have to be through a third party. He may or may not agree but at least you may feel more at ease. 

You need to get a divorce attorney, pronto. Like yesterday. And not just anyone, a real shark of an attorney. Someone who would be able to get you the best deal possible. Google around, go see several before settling on one. Don't tell your husband anything. Don't sign any papers coming from your husband before you get a greenlight from your attorney. A legal separation that your husband is proposing might not be in your best interest. But you need to some legal advice.

It is a sad situation, indeed, but you need to plan accordingly.

 

 

Edited August 2, 2021 by Alvi

[Cookiesandough]

19 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

 

 

We were together for 9 years, married for 5.

This is so sad. I am so sorry, panda. I wonder if there were any signs of his indecisiveness or emotional instability before. Not that it would make it any better but it would be much less of a shock if there had been some kind of aloofness other than if your partner seem totally into you and then just did a 180. That sucks so bad. You will get through this and be stronger. 🖤

Edited August 2, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[jiltedpanda]

I don't think I originally left to get his attention. I didn't think he would even care but I do think that's partly why I kept ignoring him. It did feel good to make him worry, if I'm being 100% honest with myself.

I have since spoken to him on the phone. I originally sent him a text asking him to give me space and to stop constantly sending me messages. He kept calling me after I sent the message so I did eventually pick up. Most of the conversation was just him being angry and telling me how worried he was. He kept trying to persuade me to come home and saying things like "I miss you, baby" and asking for me to tell him my location. I asked him when he was going to file for separation and he said he didn't think it was the right time because he needed to make sure I wouldn't do anything stupid to myself (I wouldn't). I did ask him about potentially divorcing instead and he blew up at me and kept asking me if I was seeing someone already (specifically he asked about an old friend of mine who he has always thought likes me). 

I have an appointment next week to speak to a lawyer, it was the earliest they could fit me in but I'm going to keep calling around to see if I can find something sooner. 

 

 

[heartwhole2]

He certainly is full of drama, isn't he? Glad you are moving ahead with getting legal advice. Don't pick up if he calls again; he's just trying to manipulate you. 

[Seliana]

On 8/2/2021 at 5:20 AM, jiltedpanda said:

They came to the house to give me the letter, that was before I knew about the cheating. I left shortly after finding out.

 

Should I tell him that I'm finding a lawyer this week and he can send the papers to them? Or would it be silly to give him a warning? I don't want to see him so I feel pressure to say something to him now in case he just shows up unexpectedly. Only a select few of my friends know (I only confided in "my" friends, none of "our" friends know). He did call the friends who know but they all lied and said they hadn't spoken to me in weeks. 

 

We were together for 9 years, married for 5.

Girl, you don't owe him a thing, radio silence and follow your lawyer's advice. The time for him to worry about your welfare was when he was with his OW. You've thrown him off balance, and now he realizes you're not under his thumb like he thought. He is no longer your concern, take care of you!

Edited August 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
offensive language

[glows]

29 minutes ago, jiltedpanda said:

a lawyer

Good for you. Obtain legal counsel from your lawyer and follow the instructions given to you. Be clear about what you want out of the divorce. 

Don't respond to any 'baby' cajoling or accusations about cheating or anger from him.

[usa1ah]

On 8/1/2021 at 3:20 PM, jiltedpanda said:

They came to the house to give me the letter, that was before I knew about the cheating. I left shortly after finding out.

 

Should I tell him that I'm finding a lawyer this week and he can send the papers to them? Or would it be silly to give him a warning? I don't want to see him so I feel pressure to say something to him now in case he just shows up unexpectedly. Only a select few of my friends know (I only confided in "my" friends, none of "our" friends know). He did call the friends who know but they all lied and said they hadn't spoken to me in weeks. 

 

We were together for 9 years, married for 5.

Just tell him your lawyer will get back with him. 

[usa1ah]

What did he say about his girlfriend?

You did great in your response to him. 
 

I would send a text explaining that the marriage ended when he started his affair back in January. That the lawyers can do the communication between the two of you. That, unlike him, you will be waiting for the divorce before you even think about dating someone else. That you hope the home wrecker was worth it. 

[jiltedpanda]

25 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

What did he say about his girlfriend?

I know this is going to sound really pathetic but I couldn't bring myself to directly confront him about his girlfriend. The closest I came was telling him I hope it was worth it and that he's happier now but he just assumed I meant separating in general.

 

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

Don't pick up if he calls again; he's just trying to manipulate you. 

He has text me a few times since but I haven't responded. The thing I don't get is why. Even before he left it was like he was losing interest in me and that talking to me was a hassle so now that he's left his sudden interest makes no sense. Shouldn't he be off happy with his girlfriend? Why won't he just leave me alone? 

[FudgeSwirl]

I'm sorry your husband cheated on you, but you did the right thing by finally contacting a lawyer.  You owe your husband nothing at this point as all communication can go between both lawyers from this point forward.  To get your attention he might alternate between "sweet" messages and nasty ones but just ignore them or respond, "If you have any issue please take it up with your lawyer."  He has no right to know your location, what you are doing, etc. anymore.

[usa1ah]

Jealousy of you possibly being with someone else. 
 

Maybe he was planning on coming home to you once he finished with the POSOW. 
 

Does it really matter if you are finished with him? Do you want to know for closure?

 

Do what you need to do to heal and be happy. 
 

Figure out what you want to do yourself. Friends are great and they try to have our best interest at heart. Just be sure it is what you want. 
 

My suggestion is to divorce him. If he realizes he loves you still, he will pursue you after the divorce is finalized. If not, I believe he will be an ass through the divorce process.

If he does pursue you after the divorce it will be your choice if you want to start anew. 

[heartwhole2]

It's pretty basic human psychology that we take what we have for granted and want what we don't yet or can't have. Very often in love triangles the cheater will chase after whichever partner is no longer waiting to be chosen. Of course, all that means is, yay, you "won" a cheater. I would never suggest using this knowledge to manipulate someone into wanting to be with you because it will come around and bite you from the other end eventually. Once the cheater knows you're secured, it's off to play the field again. What you want is a relationship with someone who isn't manipulative, dishonest, unethical, shallow, self-absorbed, etc. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

. Shouldn't he be off happy with his girlfriend? Why won't he just leave me alone? 

You need to file for divorce. Are you legally married?

This is not a teen drama where you ignore contact because you're upset.

This is infidelity and your marriage needs to be dissolved legally.

Is he abusive? Is this why you fled?

[S2B]

On 8/1/2021 at 12:20 PM, jiltedpanda said:

They came to the house to give me the letter, that was before I knew about the cheating. I left shortly after finding out.

 

Should I tell him that I'm finding a lawyer this week and he can send the papers to them? Or would it be silly to give him a warning? I don't want to see him so I feel pressure to say something to him now in case he just shows up unexpectedly. Only a select few of my friends know (I only confided in "my" friends, none of "our" friends know). He did call the friends who know but they all lied and said they hadn't spoken to me in weeks. 

 

We were together for 9 years, married for 5.

I wouldn’t tell him anything personal.

find a good attorney first. Then have a friend text him how to contact your attorney.

if you haven’t moved half of any available money and assets into your name only - do that immediately!

and if you want a divorce - file for divorce! You don’t need to be left in limbo by separating if you don’t want to.

he doesn’t get to make decisions anymore about YOUR future! You are your own boss now!

and he just got a promotion - great news! Request higher spousal support if you can!!! Ask for anything you want - you just might get more than you think if he really wants to be with his new gal.

dont let him sweet talk you. He wants both a wife and a girlfriend. Or he’s figured out what money he will lose by divorcing. Either way he’s not a good guy and you deserve better!

 

Edited August 4, 2021 by S2B

[glows]

4 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

It's pretty basic human psychology that we take what we have for granted and want what we don't yet or can't have. Very often in love triangles the cheater will chase after whichever partner is no longer waiting to be chosen. Of course, all that means is, yay, you "won" a cheater. I would never suggest using this knowledge to manipulate someone into wanting to be with you because it will come around and bite you from the other end eventually. Once the cheater knows you're secured, it's off to play the field again. What you want is a relationship with someone who isn't manipulative, dishonest, unethical, shallow, self-absorbed, etc. 

Well said.

[pepperbird2]

15 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

I don't think I originally left to get his attention. I didn't think he would even care but I do think that's partly why I kept ignoring him. It did feel good to make him worry, if I'm being 100% honest with myself.

I have since spoken to him on the phone. I originally sent him a text asking him to give me space and to stop constantly sending me messages. He kept calling me after I sent the message so I did eventually pick up. Most of the conversation was just him being angry and telling me how worried he was. He kept trying to persuade me to come home and saying things like "I miss you, baby" and asking for me to tell him my location. I asked him when he was going to file for separation and he said he didn't think it was the right time because he needed to make sure I wouldn't do anything stupid to myself (I wouldn't). I did ask him about potentially divorcing instead and he blew up at me and kept asking me if I was seeing someone already (specifically he asked about an old friend of mine who he has always thought likes me). 

I have an appointment next week to speak to a lawyer, it was the earliest they could fit me in but I'm going to keep calling around to see if I can find something sooner. 

 

 

If his actions weren't so pathetic,. they'd be funny. "
he sounds like a child- the ultimate little boy who is too afraid to make a move unless he has a safety net to fall into.

He doesn't get to do what he did and the expect to have any say at all in your life. He forfeited that the minute he stepped out.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

23 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

he sounds like a child- the ultimate little boy who is too afraid to make a move unless he has a safety net to fall into.

Yes, exactly. 

His safety net isn't quite secure yet with his girlfriend, so he wants to make sure his "safety net" is still secure with you, OP. That's why he is freaking out thinking you might be seeing someone else. He is realizing you won't be there to welcome him home with open arms if he and his new girlfriend don't work out. 

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

He kept trying to persuade me to come home and saying things like "I miss you, baby" and asking for me to tell him my location.

What does he mean "I miss you, baby"?  I thought he ran off with the OW and wasn't in the house anymore.

[jiltedpanda]

I need some opinions on if I should tell my family/his family the real reason why he left. I don't want to be vindictive and I know me telling his family could potentially cause a lot of problems for him but my in-laws keep contacting me and are convinced this is all one big mistake and he will be back. They keep defending him and I hate having to hear about how hard this has been for him. He may have already told them and I'm 99% sure his brother at least knows he has a girlfriend by now. but if he has, they haven't mentioned it to me. Also, I'm not sure how his family will treat me if I file for divorce. They claim they'll always love me like a daughter but my FIL funded his nephew's divorce and they really screwed his ex-wife over. I've been an anxious mess today because I can't stop thinking about the very real possibility that my future will look like hers.

Another thing is that my husband has agreed to give me his keys if it would make me feel more comfortable moving home. I wasn't planning on talking to him again but I do think I need to go home soon so I asked him and he agreed. The only downside is that he isn't willing to just leave them in the house for me to collect, he wants to give them to me in person so I will have to see him. 

I'm really hesitant to take half out of our joint accounts. Right now he is being more than generous financially but I think he'll take it as a provocation if I start moving money. 

I do worry that he is trying to keep me hooked. He keeps telling me that he wants to be friends but friends don't treat each other the way he has treated me. I also think he doesn't want to look like the bad guy to his family.