He's building his happily ever after on the rubble of my life

[spiderowl]

On 7/31/2021 at 8:07 PM, jiltedpanda said:

He didn't even have the decency to end things in person and he lied to his brother and sister-in-law about what was in the letter so that they would give it to me for him. I never thought he would be such a coward.

I think this says it all!  I am sorry about what has happened to you.  He was probably having doubts about the marriage, maybe because he was getting interested in this other woman, and that's why you picked up on odd behaviour.

He didn't explain anything to you at the time, which is completely unfair to you, and then did the above?  What a mission to send your brother and sister-in-law on!  He is certainly pretty cowardly.

He involved a lawyer at an early stage and said he was going to do so.  He is taking the legal route so you should too.  You need all the legal protection you can get in this situation because he is taking it very seriously.  He doesn't sound like he is looking at reconciliation though he is nicely allowing himself time to think it over before divorce.  Why would he do that?  It doesn't make sense; he's either left the marriage or he hasn't.  Maybe there is some legal reason it is better for him to suggest separation than divorce.

You don't owe your husband anything so there seems little point communicating with him just to reassure him.  However, if you want an explanation of what has happened, he might just give you one, albeit a hurtful or whitewashed version, so it's really up to you whether you decide it's worth the risk of discussing this with him.

I am glad you have a friend watching out for you.  I would advise consulting a lawyer because, if nothing else, your husband has shown that he can be extremely unpredictable.  It may be legal separation for now and then suddenly an aggressive divorce, who knows?

Look after yourself.  You have done nothing wrong and this is no reflection on you.  You deserve the best life so don't let one cheating husband spoil that for you.

[spiderowl]

On 8/1/2021 at 5:50 PM, jiltedpanda said:

I've been researching divorce and lawyers all day today. It's been draining and I really don't want to do this but at least I have a list now. From what I read online I don't think we need to be legally separated here to get a divorce, so I'm even more confused about why he wanted to go that route now.

We don't have any children... We were actually trying for a baby before he left and at the time not getting pregnant was devastating but now I think it was probably for the best. 

My husband sent me an ultimatum today - either I tell him where I am or he is going to hire someone to find me because he's so "worried" about me and he's scared something has happened because I'm not normally like this. I typed out a response but then I decided not to send it but I think I will have to speak to him soon. I don't get why he keeps pestering me when he has a girlfriend he should be having fun with. Ugh. 

Just a thought, but I'm not a legal person so I don't know.  Is it possible he wants to serve you with some legal document but doesn't know where to serve it?  Horrible thought, I know.

[Seliana]

36 minutes ago, jiltedpanda said:

I need some opinions on if I should tell my family/his family the real reason why he left. I don't want to be vindictive and I know me telling his family could potentially cause a lot of problems for him but my in-laws keep contacting me and are convinced this is all one big mistake and he will be back. They keep defending him and I hate having to hear about how hard this has been for him. He may have already told them and I'm 99% sure his brother at least knows he has a girlfriend by now. but if he has, they haven't mentioned it to me. Also, I'm not sure how his family will treat me if I file for divorce. They claim they'll always love me like a daughter but my FIL funded his nephew's divorce and they really screwed his ex-wife over. I've been an anxious mess today because I can't stop thinking about the very real possibility that my future will look like hers.

Another thing is that my husband has agreed to give me his keys if it would make me feel more comfortable moving home. I wasn't planning on talking to him again but I do think I need to go home soon so I asked him and he agreed. The only downside is that he isn't willing to just leave them in the house for me to collect, he wants to give them to me in person so I will have to see him. 

I'm really hesitant to take half out of our joint accounts. Right now he is being more than generous financially but I think he'll take it as a provocation if I start moving money. 

I do worry that he is trying to keep me hooked. He keeps telling me that he wants to be friends but friends don't treat each other the way he has treated me. I also think he doesn't want to look like the bad guy to his family.

 

I understand the hesitance to blow up your life, but it's going to come out eventually, especially if you divorce him. I face a similar dilemma, I loved my in-laws and was afraid to lose them, but when I told them what was happening they showed me their true colors. Family will stick together, no matter what, so prepare for them to drop you like a hot potato, it's likely, especially as you don't have children together.

My exH came with that same friends crap too. It's to lesson his guilt - if you're friends, then he didn't treat you so bad, and you're ok with everything he's done, so he's not a "bad" person. You have some serious thinking to do about what you want for yourself and how to go about getting it. You need to talk to your lawyer,  get therapy if possible and see about securing your own financial future. You obviously can't depend on your husband to look out for your best interests. I know it's hard, but you need to take control of your life and act in your own best interest now, before you get screwed over. 

[spiderowl]

19 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

I know this is going to sound really pathetic but I couldn't bring myself to directly confront him about his girlfriend. The closest I came was telling him I hope it was worth it and that he's happier now but he just assumed I meant separating in general.

 

He has text me a few times since but I haven't responded. The thing I don't get is why. Even before he left it was like he was losing interest in me and that talking to me was a hassle so now that he's left his sudden interest makes no sense. Shouldn't he be off happy with his girlfriend? Why won't he just leave me alone? 

I know it must seem strange but people don't just suddenly stop loving, caring or depending on each other for emotional support.  We don't know how your husband is feeling now but I bet he is missing your emotional support.  He may well have coolly taken off into the sunset to have fun with his mistress but he may well be thinking this bit of fun was an adventure, like a little kid, and boy has he got himself into trouble now!  Who does he turn to when he needs someone to talk to?  I bet it was usually you.  In his mixed up mind, he thinks he can have it all.  The unconscious part of the mind does not suddenly switch off from a long-term relationship.  At some unconscious level, he may still think he is with you.

I know it's all stupid and nonsensical.  It does not mean he will return (even if you let him).  It does mean that he is likely to mess you about emotionally as he swings from logical and rational to illogical and irrational.  Just try to remember the facts here and stick to those:

- he has hurt you badly

- he is having an affair

- he left and cruelly told you via your unsuspecting relatives

- he is all about himself at the moment.

Expect confusion and do what is best for you.  If you find it too confusing communicating with him, then use friends or a lawyer. 

Decide what you want to do for the future.  He may, at some point, want to return to the relationship.  After the way he has behaved, I would not advise you to go there, but it is your marriage and your heart at stake.  Do you want to try and make a go of it if he decides to or not?  If not, then you know exactly where to go - to separation or divorce, depending on your country/state's laws and depending on what is in your best interests.

I know it is easy for us to say 'get a lawyer', but I also know many posters on here have been through heartbreak and want to support you through this crisis.  We know it's not all about the court.  It's also about how you are feeling and how hurtful this situation is for you.

 

[heartwhole2]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

Just a thought, but I'm not a legal person so I don't know.  Is it possible he wants to serve you with some legal document but doesn't know where to serve it?  Horrible thought, I know.

I had the same question.

And sure, I think telling his family is probably safer than not. If they were vindictive towards a nephew's soon-to-be-ex, how much more so would they be towards their son's? Don't let him control the narrative and paint you as the instigator. If he didn't want him family knowing he got a girlfriend while married, the way to avoid that is not having a girlfriend while married. You shouldn't have any guilt for telling the truth.

Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer. That should be your focus. And your husband can't force you to meet with him. If he is holding the keys to the house hostage to get his way, again, that's on him. You don't have to play by his rules just because he shouts them very loudly.

[jiltedpanda]

4 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Is it possible he wants to serve you with some legal document but doesn't know where to serve it?  Horrible thought, I know.

When I spoke to him, he made it seem like he wasn't planning to file anytime soon. I think he just wanted me to respond. 

 

4 hours ago, Seliana said:

I loved my in-laws and was afraid to lose them, but when I told them what was happening they showed me their true colors. Family will stick together, no matter what, so prepare for them to drop you like a hot potato, it's likely, especially as you don't have children together.

I think this is one of the things that makes it the hardest to take steps in either directions. I've already lost my husband, now I'm going to lose a big chunk of my family too. I know this is going to sound childish but I can't get over how unfair this whole thing is. I did nothing to him but I'm the one who has to suffer. 

 

3 hours ago, spiderowl said:

The unconscious part of the mind does not suddenly switch off from a long-term relationship.  At some unconscious level, he may still think he is with you.

From the way he speaks to me I think you're right. It's like he still feels entitled to have some control over my life. Also, when he was telling me how worried he was I think he thought I should be sympathetic towards him. He is also now acting like the separation is something that happened to him and not something he chose. I think he thinks I should feel sorry for him/comfort him. He also can't fathom why I don't want to be friends with him. The whole things is very confusing for me and I feel like I'm obsessing over every little message or conversation we have. 

2 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

If they were vindictive towards a nephew's soon-to-be-ex, how much more so would they be towards their son's? Don't let him control the narrative and paint you as the instigator.

Honestly, I hope I don't have to find out... I think the next time my MIL calls me I'll tell her everything. If anyone in his family is going to be sympathetic towards me, it will be her. 

[spiderowl]

15 minutes ago, jiltedpanda said:

Honestly, I hope I don't have to find out... I think the next time my MIL calls me I'll tell her everything. If anyone in his family is going to be sympathetic towards me, it will be her. 

Why should you not speak the truth?  If his family turn against you, they would be being very unjust.  It is possible he will tell them a wholly different story, of course, to gain their sympathy, but you should not cover up to protect him.  I would tell her honestly and without criticising him, just give her the facts and tell her how hurt you are.  If you are not malicious in your words, I don't see how they could take against you.  But then there is no understanding how people can deceive themselves if they want to.  If his family want to believe he is the injured party (which is total rubbish), they will believe it regardless. 

Just protect yourself legally and take care of your own and your children's welfare.  Let everything else fall as it will.

[Seliana]

39 minutes ago, jiltedpanda said:

When I spoke to him, he made it seem like he wasn't planning to file anytime soon. I think he just wanted me to respond. 

I think this is one of the things that makes it the hardest to take steps in either directions. I've already lost my husband, now I'm going to lose a big chunk of my family too. I know this is going to sound childish but I can't get over how unfair this whole thing is. I did nothing to him but I'm the one who has to suffer. 

From the way he speaks to me I think you're right. It's like he still feels entitled to have some control over my life. Also, when he was telling me how worried he was I think he thought I should be sympathetic towards him. He is also now acting like the separation is something that happened to him and not something he chose. I think he thinks I should feel sorry for him/comfort him. He also can't fathom why I don't want to be friends with him. The whole things is very confusing for me and I feel like I'm obsessing over every little message or conversation we have. 

Honestly, I hope I don't have to find out... I think the next time my MIL calls me I'll tell her everything. If anyone in his family is going to be sympathetic towards me, it will be her. 

jiltedpanda,

Have you made a decision as to what you're going to do? I don't mean to be harsh, but you've known for a month he's been having an affair. You've left the house with no plan, what are you hoping to achieve here?

You're not going to suddenly wake up and everything will be back to the way it was. You keep talking about everything you're afraid of/to lose, and soaking up the crap shoveled your way, when are you going to take back your agency and make some decisions/moves? The longer you dawdle, the harder it's going to be to get a grip on yourself.

Look, I know this harsh, but I went through almost the same thing a few years ago. I found out my exH was having an affair with a teenager half our age, he took off to his parents house without a word and left me there to figure s*** out. His family who I was very close to for 15 yrs+ closed ranks around him and shut me out, b/ they "felt bad". It was literally the worst time of my life for that to happen. I was recovering from major surgery, was on medical leave from my job and he just took off and left me to deal with the fallout alone. The f***er never even said what his intentions were, I ended up pulling my s*** together after a few weeks of utter shock, got therapy, got a lawyer, filed for divorce and left him without a word. 

Anyway, I just wanted you to understand where I'm coming from. You're choosing to remain a victim here and it's not doing you any favors. Find your anger, harden your resolve and take care of business. The longer you linger in limbo, the more apathetic you'll become and it will sap you. Anyway, I don't know what else to say that can help you, just know that you will come out stronger on the other side of this even if it doesn't feel that way now. Take care.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 8/3/2021 at 7:23 PM, jiltedpanda said:

He has text me a few times since but I haven't responded. The thing I don't get is why.

Control.

He feels he has now lost control over you and he can't handle it.

So what? Leave him to spiral in mania. You take care of you!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

7 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

I need some opinions on if I should tell my family/his family the real reason why he left.

 he isn't willing to just leave them in the house for me to collect, he wants to give them to me in person so I will have to see him. 

He keeps telling me that he wants to be friends but friends don't treat each other the way he has treated me. 

I would tell them the truth but I'd keep it very short and sweet. Keep it to two or three sentences ending with something like, "I don't want to discuss it further at this time." Write it down before telling them to stick to your script. 

Regarding keys, he has an agenda planned. I would not agree to this. Definitely do not be in the house alone with him. Might be better if you have him put in writing (text message might do) that he agrees it is ok for you to change the locks and not give him a key. Then follow through pronto and have locks changed within hours of your return. 

Good for you to see through the 'let's be friends' nonsense.

Edited August 5, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[S2B]

He wants to meet you eh? We’ll have him meet you at his parents house! That way you can arrive early abd let them know in person just what he’s been doing. He’s not going to be honest with them!

and if YOU don’t move half that money - HE will definitely take ALL of it and leave you with no resources to help yourself! That way he can have the upper hand against you. Move half (that’s yours anyway).

see an attorney! Don’t agree to a legal separation. You may want to divorce him sooner rather than later.

start making demands! Get it in writing!

and when you meet him at his parents house - he can give you the keys - but anyone can have a copy made! He probably did.

but if he plans to serve you with papers - he’s going to need to do that in front of his parents (do NOT let him get you alone/away from them).

tell them everything! You don’t need to protect the person who is ruining your whole life!

 

[S2B]

He could also drop off the key to you via his siblings - after all they were good enough to deliver the bomb of a letter he  sent over!

do not be alone with him. Heck - he can mail the keys for that matter! Or drop them off at the curb and text you.

he is trying to see you for a specific reason and it’s probably something that works in his favor. It’s called manipulation on his part. He is not a nice person!

[usa1ah]

Yes tell your parents and anyone on your side you want. 
 

then tell his parents the truth and that you have physical proof of the girlfriend. 

[jiltedpanda]

22 hours ago, Seliana said:

Have you made a decision as to what you're going to do? I don't mean to be harsh, but you've known for a month he's been having an affair. You've left the house with no plan, what are you hoping to achieve here?

I know I need to make a decision asap. Right now I am leaning towards a divorce and depending on what my lawyer says during our appointment, I will most likely move in that direction. It isn't what I want but the longer I think about the situation and the very real possibility that my husband is going to royally screw me over, the more I realise that it's my only option to protect myself. I know I have been wasting so much time and I wish I had posted here as soon as I found out because it has been a huge motivator to actually do something but I can't go back. 

 

21 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Might be better if you have him put in writing (text message might do) that he agrees it is ok for you to change the locks and not give him a key. Then follow through pronto and have locks changed within hours of your return. 

I asked him if I could change the locks instead and he got angry. He asked me if I was that scared of him that I couldn't even see him for 5 seconds to collect the keys. He also said he wasn't going to pay for someone to lock him out of his own house (I never asked him to) and if I changed the locks I wouldn't like the outcome. 

I think my only option at this point is to agree to see him but have a third party there to keep things in check. 

22 hours ago, S2B said:

He wants to meet you eh? We’ll have him meet you at his parents house! That way you can arrive early abd let them know in person just what he’s been doing. He’s not going to be honest with them!

and if YOU don’t move half that money - HE will definitely take ALL of it and leave you with no resources to help yourself! That way he can have the upper hand against you. Move half (that’s yours anyway).

I've had so many revenge fantasies of exposing him in front of both of our parents but I feel like it could potentially backfire horribly if they side with him. Also, I know this sounds cowardly but I don't want to see him after I expose everything. I know he will be furious with me, especially if they do side with me.

22 hours ago, S2B said:

and when you meet him at his parents house - he can give you the keys - but anyone can have a copy made! He probably did.

I didn't even consider the possibility of him making a copy. I don't think he would think about making one either but we have cameras so I would find out if he still comes to the house after he gives me the key.

[Seliana]

1 hour ago, jiltedpanda said:

I know I need to make a decision asap. Right now I am leaning towards a divorce and depending on what my lawyer says during our appointment, I will most likely move in that direction. It isn't what I want but the longer I think about the situation and the very real possibility that my husband is going to royally screw me over, the more I realise that it's my only option to protect myself. I know I have been wasting so much time and I wish I had posted here as soon as I found out because it has been a huge motivator to actually do something but I can't go back. 

I asked him if I could change the locks instead and he got angry. He asked me if I was that scared of him that I couldn't even see him for 5 seconds to collect the keys. He also said he wasn't going to pay for someone to lock him out of his own house (I never asked him to) and if I changed the locks I wouldn't like the outcome. 

I think my only option at this point is to agree to see him but have a third party there to keep things in check. 

I've had so many revenge fantasies of exposing him in front of both of our parents but I feel like it could potentially backfire horribly if they side with him. Also, I know this sounds cowardly but I don't want to see him after I expose everything. I know he will be furious with me, especially if they do side with me.

I didn't even consider the possibility of him making a copy. I don't think he would think about making one either but we have cameras so I would find out if he still comes to the house after he gives me the key.

Thanks for the update, jiltedpanda, I've been worried about you! 

Don't beat yourself up for being a human being with feelings hon. I do feel for you, I was in your position, it took me a few weeks for my brain to start functioning and realize I was trying to accept less than I deserved. My exH also tried to make me feel bad for him and sought comfort from me! It's a manipulation tactic, and you're doing the best thing staying away from him. The last thing you need now is for him to try to win you back, hysterically bond (lots of sex) and get pregnant.

I'm so glad to hear that you made the lawyer appointment. You definitely need to get legal advice before you can do anything at all, in case you start acting, and make bad moves which screw you over in the long run. 

I didn't want to divorce either, but his actions left me no choice if I wanted to maintain my dignity and self-respect. It sucks when people f*** up the plan/dream you have for your life, but you deserve better than to be plan B. You won't see it now as the opportunity that it is to set your life aright, but you're young and didn't spend that long with him before he showed his true colors. 

It will get better, I promise. 

Btw, exposing him is not a revenge fantasy, it is simply telling the truth about who he is and what he's done. His own actions condemn him as a person without character and morals, he dug his own grave. His parent's reaction to it will tell you many things... it will tell you if they knew, the kind of people they really are and if they ever cared about you. If they reject you, that has nothing to do with you, except that you're making them look bad and feel ashamed of the sorry excuse for a man they raised.

Honestly, none of them matter anymore, only you. You do what you need to do. Do you have any friends or family who can come stay with you until you get yourself organized? Another pair of eyes will keep him away or at least on his best behavior.

[S2B]

For a guy who didn’t even have the decency to have a face to face conversation with you about the end of your marriage - you sure are considering his feelings way too much.

you do what is best for YOU! He can live with YOUR decisions!

[heartwhole2]

3 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

He also said he wasn't going to pay for someone to lock him out of his own house (I never asked him to) and if I changed the locks I wouldn't like the outcome. 

Please document these statements. Write them out in full with the text that he said them and include screenshots. This is a threat. Even if all he meant was, "You wouldn't like the outcome because I'd sue you" or something, any grown adult knows that saying something like that could also imply physical violence.

Please do not be alone with him ever.

[jiltedpanda]

Now that I've started responding to him again, I'm finding it very hard to go to back to ignoring him. When I don't respond he starts getting upset and then he makes me feel bad so I start replying to him again. Today he has been making a lot of promises. For example I wanted to make the house more accessible as I have a disabled relative. We were supposed to start making the changes but things got cancelled because of the pandemic and then because he was being a jerk. Now he is making arrangements to have the work done. Realistically if we divorce I can't keep the house because even if we split it 50/50 I couldn't afford to buy him out, so it all feels pointless. I told him this and he got upset and said he believed we would find our way back to each other and that this wasn't the end. He actually told me he wanted to grow old together still but I told him I wasn't sure I wanted that (admittedly I only said it to see his reaction) and he was mad... He kept insisting I didn't mean it and we could fix this. Is this normal? Or empty words? It makes zero sense for him to say things like this to me after he left me to be with his girlfriend. 

Also, I didn't want to admit this before but I have been stalking his girlfriend on social media. She looks like the type of person you would expect him to be married to. It makes me feel like an ugly duckling and like I was kidding myself by marrying him in the first place. 

16 hours ago, Seliana said:

Btw, exposing him is not a revenge fantasy, it is simply telling the truth about who he is and what he's done. His own actions condemn him as a person without character and morals, he dug his own grave. His parent's reaction to it will tell you many things... it will tell you if they knew, the kind of people they really are and if they ever cared about you. If they reject you, that has nothing to do with you, except that you're making them look bad and feel ashamed of the sorry excuse for a man they raised.

Honestly, none of them matter anymore, only you. You do what you need to do. Do you have any friends or family who can come stay with you until you get yourself organized? Another pair of eyes will keep him away or at least on his best behavior.

I've been thinking about telling his parents a lot and I've decided I will invite them (and my parents) over tomorrow and expose everything. That's also when I plan to get the keys from him. I'm currently staying with my best friend and her husband, and they've both offered to come stay with me when I move back if that's what I want. 

16 hours ago, S2B said:

For a guy who didn’t even have the decency to have a face to face conversation with you about the end of your marriage - you sure are considering his feelings way too much.

 I know I need to stop considering his feelings and I'm trying but I feel so guilty whenever I do.

15 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

Please document these statements. Write them out in full with the text that he said them and include screenshots

I don't think he would ever be violent but I will definitely keep everything just to be safe. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

Right now I am leaning towards a divorce and depending on what my lawyer says during our appointment, I will most likely move in that direction.

I asked him if I could change the locks instead and he got angry.  He also said he wasn't going to pay for someone to lock him out of his own house 

Your attorney will advise you that it's illegal to change the locks and lock someone out of their own residence and that doing foolish/illegal things out of panic, spite, bad advice, etc. could cost you dearly.

Talk to your attorney first before making seriously foolish mistakes. Your attorney will advise you how to best prepare your case for court. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Wiseman2

[heartwhole2]

I'm proud of you! Having both sets of parents there together is an excellent idea.

As far as you know, your soon to be ex doesn't know that you know about the girlfriend, right? So just remember that he is offering you a fake reconciliation based on lies. Um, thanks.

Something I learned in my own marriage when my husband had an affair was how much I let him paint reality how he wanted because he was so much more forceful and insistent than I was. I had to learn to point out the logical inconsistencies he was making and not back down. Although I agree with the general consensus that marriage counseling is not the first step after an affair (individual counseling is), it was at least helpful to have the marriage counselor look at my husband like he was an entitled jerk when he said stuff like that. See . . . he really believed he had it so hard. He really believed his affair was justified because our marriage, his life, and I weren't perfect. And boy, that's exhausting, as you are finding out all too well. And when I would push back, he was so damn sure that he was right that he would shoot me down. But when the MC or the small handful of friends who knew looked at him like he was scum, it caused cognitive dissonance that eventually led to him facing his stuff. So this is another reason I'm glad you are looping in the parents. Don't let him pretend things aren't what they are.

Just remember that when someone shows you who they really are, believe them. He's going to lie, manipulate, bully, and gaslight you to get what he wants. And that's just not OK. Keep your boundaries firm.

Who cares if the OW looks good in pictures? Every single human has good and bad qualities and is sexy and unique in their own special way. It's not a competition. You are wonderful, fabulous you, and you know what people who are ugly on the inside do? Have affairs. Don't let this man-child make you doubt yourself.

 

[Seliana]

3 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

Now that I've started responding to him again, I'm finding it very hard to go to back to ignoring him. When I don't respond he starts getting upset and then he makes me feel bad so I start replying to him again. Today he has been making a lot of promises. For example I wanted to make the house more accessible as I have a disabled relative. We were supposed to start making the changes but things got cancelled because of the pandemic and then because he was being a jerk. Now he is making arrangements to have the work done. Realistically if we divorce I can't keep the house because even if we split it 50/50 I couldn't afford to buy him out, so it all feels pointless. I told him this and he got upset and said he believed we would find our way back to each other and that this wasn't the end. He actually told me he wanted to grow old together still but I told him I wasn't sure I wanted that (admittedly I only said it to see his reaction) and he was mad... He kept insisting I didn't mean it and we could fix this. Is this normal? Or empty words? It makes zero sense for him to say things like this to me after he left me to be with his girlfriend. 

Also, I didn't want to admit this before but I have been stalking his girlfriend on social media. She looks like the type of person you would expect him to be married to. It makes me feel like an ugly duckling and like I was kidding myself by marrying him in the first place. 

I've been thinking about telling his parents a lot and I've decided I will invite them (and my parents) over tomorrow and expose everything. That's also when I plan to get the keys from him. I'm currently staying with my best friend and her husband, and they've both offered to come stay with me when I move back if that's what I want. 

 I know I need to stop considering his feelings and I'm trying but I feel so guilty whenever I do.

I don't think he would ever be violent but I will definitely keep everything just to be safe. 

His words are WORDS, his actions tell you exactly who he is and what he thinks of you. He abandoned you to run off with his g/f, but expects you to remain home like the good little mouse and accept his crumbs.  

Who cares if he's upset? Does he care how you feel now? He can say anything he wants, but he is off screwing around while you're alone.  You are eating up his BS and allowing him to run wild without consequences. It's been over a month, so you've had time to digest. Do you think you deserve this? Please consider booking an appointment with a therapist, I think that would do you a world of good.

 

 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

Also, I didn't want to admit this before but I have been stalking his girlfriend on social media. She looks like the type of person you would expect him to be married to. It makes me feel like an ugly duckling and like I was kidding myself by marrying him in the first place.

The irony is that a) like many people you're probably your own worst critic in this respect - after all he did marry you, and b) however good looking she may or may not be it may make little difference. When a BS "pulls away" often a WS suddenly "needs" them. This is a psychological phenomena that frequently (but certainly not always) occurs.

SOME WS's will chase their xBS even after the BS has left and stay "loyal" even years past a divorce. Others are more self-aware/behave more logically, so it's by no means guaranteed.

Just like you wish to divorce but have been foot-dragging, etc, he is also likely having issues and feels conflicted with leaving you. It would seem like the logical thing for him to do would be to carry through with his plan and go be with his GF. But I'd say there's only a 50% chance he'll actually be able to do that, particularly if you pull away. Whether you will be able to bring yourself to divorce (in the end) also remains to be seen.

While some might see this as a form of weakness, it's actually extremely common - divorce is a big step and many people find they are not up for it when push comes to shove, despite being unhappy in a marriage for whatever reason.

[S2B]

He is telling you what you want to hear so you don’t divorce him. BUT that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t keep cheating on you.

seriously, what he’s offering at this juncture is to stay married and keep his GF! NO NO NO!  It’s not as if he’s a changed man! He’s gonna keep cheating.

and getting work done on the house now? That the same way my exH thought that buying me expensive jewelry or a vacation might make me not divorce him. None of those things stopped him from continuing to cheat - that’s who he is.

[jiltedpanda]

The last few days have been really draining... 

On Saturday, I invited my parents, my in-laws and my husband over to our house. It was a big mess. I told both sets of parents before my husband arrived. When he got here, my MIL was the one who confronted him. My husband wouldn't answer her question, he just kept repeating that he wanted to talk to me in private and asked everyone to leave. My dad got very angry at him and they got into a huge argument. I thought they were going to hit each other but luckily they didn't. Eventually my husband and I did speak privately in a separate room. He owned up to the affair but claimed she wasn't his girlfriend (he got angry whenever I would call her that). He said he used the affair as a distraction when he was in a bad place mentally but then it became an endless cycle because he would feel guilty and it would lead him to go to her to distract him from the guilt. He said he convinced himself that he must love her because he didn't understand how else he could do something like that to me and that's why he asked to separate. He said his reaction to me disappearing and refusing to see/speak to him shattered the illusion that he loved her/didn't want our marriage anymore and that was why he kept begging to see me because he wanted to confess. He cried a lot and begged me not to leave him. I've never seen him like that before and if it had just been the two of us, I probably would've just forgiven him instantly.

My MIL is the reason he eventually gave me his keys and agreed to give me space. I think she is on my side for now but who knows if that'll last. My FIL is claiming to be neutral but my SIL told me that yesterday he contacted my BIL to tell him to talk some sense into my husband and make him see a lawyer just in case. According to my SIL my husband is convinced that I will forgive him (I acted like a spineless idiot in front of him so I'm not surprised he thinks this) and that he would give me everything if I would just talk to him. I think he probably does believe this right now but if I actually file he will change his tune. My in-laws know I'm planning to divorce because after my husband left my MIL asked me and I told her I had to, which in hindsight was really stupid of me but I wasn't thinking clearly. My BIL has been trying to convince me to talk to my husband non-stop. He keeps telling me how he isn't doing well and that he really loves me but made a massive mistake.

I spoke to a lawyer. I'm not looking forward to the divorce process at all. I haven't even filed yet and I already feel drained. 

[mark clemson]

^^ yep. He may chase you for years after you divorce (if you divorce). Not that that does anyone any good, but c'est la vie.