He's building his happily ever after on the rubble of my life

[S2B]

Your husband is a bold faced liar.

don’t let him manipulate you into feeling sorry for him!

his lines he used are pathetic and despicable!

notice he never addressed how this must make YOU feel? 
ya… just pathetic selfish and self centered man child who hasn’t grown up at all!

[Seliana]

2 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

The last few days have been really draining... 

On Saturday, I invited my parents, my in-laws and my husband over to our house. It was a big mess. I told both sets of parents before my husband arrived. When he got here, my MIL was the one who confronted him. My husband wouldn't answer her question, he just kept repeating that he wanted to talk to me in private and asked everyone to leave. My dad got very angry at him and they got into a huge argument. I thought they were going to hit each other but luckily they didn't. Eventually my husband and I did speak privately in a separate room. He owned up to the affair but claimed she wasn't his girlfriend (he got angry whenever I would call her that). He said he used the affair as a distraction when he was in a bad place mentally but then it became an endless cycle because he would feel guilty and it would lead him to go to her to distract him from the guilt. He said he convinced himself that he must love her because he didn't understand how else he could do something like that to me and that's why he asked to separate. He said his reaction to me disappearing and refusing to see/speak to him shattered the illusion that he loved her/didn't want our marriage anymore and that was why he kept begging to see me because he wanted to confess. He cried a lot and begged me not to leave him. I've never seen him like that before and if it had just been the two of us, I probably would've just forgiven him instantly.

My MIL is the reason he eventually gave me his keys and agreed to give me space. I think she is on my side for now but who knows if that'll last. My FIL is claiming to be neutral but my SIL told me that yesterday he contacted my BIL to tell him to talk some sense into my husband and make him see a lawyer just in case. According to my SIL my husband is convinced that I will forgive him (I acted like a spineless idiot in front of him so I'm not surprised he thinks this) and that he would give me everything if I would just talk to him. I think he probably does believe this right now but if I actually file he will change his tune. My in-laws know I'm planning to divorce because after my husband left my MIL asked me and I told her I had to, which in hindsight was really stupid of me but I wasn't thinking clearly. My BIL has been trying to convince me to talk to my husband non-stop. He keeps telling me how he isn't doing well and that he really loves me but made a massive mistake.

I spoke to a lawyer. I'm not looking forward to the divorce process at all. I haven't even filed yet and I already feel drained. 

Thanks for the update, jiltedpanda. 

Please don't look back on what you coulda/shoulda done, its moot. This is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to endure in your life, so be gentle with yourself when you're not perfect. First off, I am glad you're not falling for his BS, b/c that's what it is. Has he apologized to you yet for what he's done? My ex was all tears and self-deprecation also when I confronted him, but not once did he ever apologize.

The family did the same thing, either wanted to remain neutral or try to "talk sense" into him. Be careful now, don't tell anyone anything anymore. Watch you back and deal only with your lawyer.

Have you been able to go for therapy yet? Therapy helped me immensely and helped me to see my way through clearer and faster. Try to eat as much as you can, and ask your doctor for some sleep aids if you're having trouble sleeping. I know too well how hard this is to deal with, and unfortunately it might be some time before you're "ok" again. You're a strong woman though, so don't ever doubt that. You'll be fine.

 

[jiltedpanda]

He did apologise a lot. He even apologised to my parents before he left. 

I haven't started therapy yet but I've joined the waitlist so hopefully I should be able to start soon.

[Daisydooks]

I am so sorry youre going through this. Through all of this, he wants you to be the stronger one... because he is SOOOOO messed up. Give me a break.  

[Starswillshine]

Glad you spoke to an attorney and got some info. Might be wise to draw up some separation papers just to make sure financially you will be ok/not taken from. 

That being said, I would advise to not make any big decisions right now unless you know 100% there is no way to forgive him. That is ok, too. Some people know their limit. I can give you all the horror stories of my failed reconciliation. Others can give you their success stories as well. But just know, that there is not a rush to make a final decision. Take some time. Give yourself some space. 

Hugs, this is a hard process. Seeing a divorce attorney will take everything out of you because it makes it so real. 

[jiltedpanda]

I need some opinions... So my husband told me the affair was 100% over and my BIL is also claiming the same but the girlfriend keeps posting like they're still together. My husband has also deleted every single social media profile that I know of. According to my BIL, my husband is around him 24/7 so there's no way he is still seeing her and he has left his old job and is now working with his family. Obviously, I have no idea if any of this is true and I don't know why I even care but could they be telling the truth? Because I can't think of a single reason why his girlfriend would keep acting like they were together if they weren't.

[Seliana]

1 hour ago, jiltedpanda said:

I need some opinions... So my husband told me the affair was 100% over and my BIL is also claiming the same but the girlfriend keeps posting like they're still together. My husband has also deleted every single social media profile that I know of. According to my BIL, my husband is around him 24/7 so there's no way he is still seeing her and he has left his old job and is now working with his family. Obviously, I have no idea if any of this is true and I don't know why I even care but could they be telling the truth? Because I can't think of a single reason why his girlfriend would keep acting like they were together if they weren't.

Does it matter if the affair is over? It happened. Or are you considering reconciliation?

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

 but could they be telling the truth? Because I can't think of a single reason why his girlfriend would keep acting like they were together if they weren't.

They COULD be, but your BIL could also be "covering" for him. So no real way to know without "investigating" by whatever means.

[Prudence V]

On 8/16/2021 at 3:45 PM, jiltedpanda said:

I don't know why I even care

So don’t. Any “man” who is callous enough to break up by letter because he has moved in with a new GF isn’t worth losing sleep over. 

[usa1ah]

On 8/17/2021 at 12:45 AM, jiltedpanda said:

I need some opinions... So my husband told me the affair was 100% over and my BIL is also claiming the same but the girlfriend keeps posting like they're still together. My husband has also deleted every single social media profile that I know of. According to my BIL, my husband is around him 24/7 so there's no way he is still seeing her and he has left his old job and is now working with his family. Obviously, I have no idea if any of this is true and I don't know why I even care but could they be telling the truth? Because I can't think of a single reason why his girlfriend would keep acting like they were together if they weren't.

Because the OW wants her prize that is slipping away. 
 

This doesn’t mean that you should stay married to your cheating husband. Tell him the marriage ended when he started the relationship with the OW
 

It is completely up to you if you want to date your husband again after the divorce. You know him better then any of us. If you do, tell him that after the divorce is finalized he can ask you out on a date. If not, tell him to piss off. 

Edited August 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[jiltedpanda]

On 8/16/2021 at 4:57 PM, Seliana said:

Does it matter if the affair is over? It happened. Or are you considering reconciliation?

I just want him to stop lying to me, even if it was to admit that the affair was ongoing. It's more about the lying for me than anything else. If I said I wasn't considering reconciliation it would be a lie because I have considered it but I feel like divorce is the right choice right now. 

 

On 8/16/2021 at 11:20 PM, mark clemson said:

They COULD be, but your BIL could also be "covering" for him. So no real way to know without "investigating" by whatever means.

Before this whole thing happened I wouldn't have believed my BIL would lie/cover for him but I'm having a hard time trusting anyone anymore. I have no idea how I would even figure out if they were being honest. 

 

On 8/18/2021 at 10:45 AM, Prudence V said:

So don’t. Any “man” who is callous enough to break up by letter because he has moved in with a new GF isn’t worth losing sleep over. 

I know it's just hard to switch off my emotions.

13 hours ago, usa1ah said:

It is completely up to you if you want to date your husband again after the divorce. You know him better then any of us. If you do, tell him that after the divorce is finalized he can ask you out on a date. If not, tell him to piss off. 

I think I will say this to him. I'm not sure if I would want to try again after divorce but I think it would help to get my BIL off my back.

[Seliana]

7 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

I just want him to stop lying to me, even if it was to admit that the affair was ongoing. It's more about the lying for me than anything else. If I said I wasn't considering reconciliation it would be a lie because I have considered it but I feel like divorce is the right choice right now. 

Before this whole thing happened I wouldn't have believed my BIL would lie/cover for him but I'm having a hard time trusting anyone anymore. I have no idea how I would even figure out if they were being honest. 

I know it's just hard to switch off my emotions.

I think I will say this to him. I'm not sure if I would want to try again after divorce but I think it would help to get my BIL off my back.

Hon, he's a proven liar and cheat, don't expect him to stop lying, ever. That's who he is. Just think about you and what you want now, if you reconcile, you'll always doubt him. It's up to you if you can live that way.

His family is HIS family, their care for you has limits, they will support him no matter what unless they're principled. I wouldn't hold my breath, he learnt his behavior from somewhere. If they are, just be pleasantly surprised. You can't switch off your emotions, but you can manage them by not dwelling on things you have no control over. You can only control yourself, what you do and what you accept. 

Let his OW have him. You're not pathetic to fight for a man who doesn't want you, or take her sloppy seconds. It really sucks now, but it will get better over time.

[jiltedpanda]

I'm so angry at him/the situation today. I don't think I've ever felt this level of burning rage before in my life. I needed to change a lightbulb but I'm too short to reach it standing on a chair, my husband can though, so usually he just handles it. Since he isn't here anymore I had to figure out how to get it done myself and I was just progressively feeling angrier and angrier at him for the whole situation. Changing the lightbulb isn't even a big deal and I was able to get it done but the rage just won't go away. I actually ended up texting him that I hate him and he was acting all pitiful and apologetic which just made me angrier. I know when I calm down I'll think I was being mean to him but right now I just really want to yell at him.

On 8/19/2021 at 11:07 PM, Seliana said:

His family is HIS family, their care for you has limits, they will support him no matter what unless they're principled. I wouldn't hold my breath, he learnt his behavior from somewhere. If they are, just be pleasantly surprised.

This is a tough pill to swallow but the longer I refuse to just forgive him, the more I'm realising this. I have no idea if there is a history of infidelity in his family but I suspect there is. I would like to ask but I doubt they'll admit it.

[S2B]

Just know he will lie to you without any problem.

so nothing he says is believable.

[Seliana]

On 8/20/2021 at 7:56 PM, jiltedpanda said:

I'm so angry at him/the situation today. I don't think I've ever felt this level of burning rage before in my life. I needed to change a lightbulb but I'm too short to reach it standing on a chair, my husband can though, so usually he just handles it. Since he isn't here anymore I had to figure out how to get it done myself and I was just progressively feeling angrier and angrier at him for the whole situation. Changing the lightbulb isn't even a big deal and I was able to get it done but the rage just won't go away. I actually ended up texting him that I hate him and he was acting all pitiful and apologetic which just made me angrier. I know when I calm down I'll think I was being mean to him but right now I just really want to yell at him.

This is a tough pill to swallow but the longer I refuse to just forgive him, the more I'm realising this. I have no idea if there is a history of infidelity in his family but I suspect there is. I would like to ask but I doubt they'll admit it.

I know exactly how that feels.  I remember the  first time I had to change a battery in the smoke detector at 4am. It sucks, but it'll get better with time.  

It sounds like you're finding your anger now.  Use it to do what you  need to do. 

[jiltedpanda]

So I guess I'm the bad guy in the situation now, at least according to my BIL... I asked my husband if he was willing to come to a financial agreement without a mediator, he agreed but asked me to give him some time to think about what he wants. I haven't heard from him since. Then yesterday, my BIL came over. He tried to convince me to talk to my husband face-to-face, to give him one chance to explain himself before I made any final decisions. I told him no and he pretty much accused me of being vindictive. He told me I was slowly killing my husband and that he never thought I would be such a heartless b****. He did send me a message today apologising but I think that was because I told my MIL what happened and asked her to tell him he wasn't welcome at the house anymore.

I did ask my MIL if my husband was okay and she told me he wasn't doing too well and now I feel guilty and like I need to just talk to him.

[Seliana]

37 minutes ago, jiltedpanda said:

So I guess I'm the bad guy in the situation now, at least according to my BIL... I asked my husband if he was willing to come to a financial agreement without a mediator, he agreed but asked me to give him some time to think about what he wants. I haven't heard from him since. Then yesterday, my BIL came over. He tried to convince me to talk to my husband face-to-face, to give him one chance to explain himself before I made any final decisions. I told him no and he pretty much accused me of being vindictive. He told me I was slowly killing my husband and that he never thought I would be such a heartless b****. He did send me a message today apologising but I think that was because I told my MIL what happened and asked her to tell him he wasn't welcome at the house anymore.

I did ask my MIL if my husband was okay and she told me he wasn't doing too well and now I feel guilty and like I need to just talk to him.

He's their blood, they closed ranks around him, are you really surprised? It's all about how they look to everyone. 

Don't second guess yourself here, jiltedpanda. He did this to himself and you. You are standing up for yourself and doing what's best for you. Do not feel guilty, that's how they will reel you in to influence your decisions. He was adult enough to go screw around, he's adult enough to be depressed and face the consequences of his actions. DO any of them care about how you feel??

[jiltedpanda]

2 hours ago, Seliana said:

DO any of them care about how you feel??

My MIL does. She's been really supportive about everything. I know she doesn't want me to divorce him but she hasn't tried to convince me not to. That's why her saying he isn't doing well is making me feel so guilty because I know she isn't saying it just to make me feel bad so I'm worried about him.

[Seliana]

1 hour ago, jiltedpanda said:

My MIL does. She's been really supportive about everything. I know she doesn't want me to divorce him but she hasn't tried to convince me not to. That's why her saying he isn't doing well is making me feel so guilty because I know she isn't saying it just to make me feel bad so I'm worried about him.

At least she isn't abusing you like your BIL did, but notice, her son and his feelings is her priority. 

Forget about what everyone wants. Your WH gave up his claim to your marriage when he stepped out. What do YOU want? 

[jiltedpanda]

I do want to see him but I know if I do, I'll let him convince me to forgive him.

[Seliana]

2 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

I do want to see him but I know if I do, I'll let him convince me to forgive him.

I understand, I've been there. You're so young, really think about what you want for your life and what you can deal with and do what you need to do for you.

[jiltedpanda]

I've read a lot of reconciliation stories today even though I keep telling myself that it's not a good idea and the thing that stood out to me is how even for couples who say they're happy years later, it was very rare for them to say they trusted their cheating spouse completely again. I don't know if I could live like that. We never had the type of relationship where I would constantly check up on him. The thought of having to monitor him for the rest of our lives just sounds awful but realistically, I would have to if I ever wanted to be confident he wasn't cheating again. I want to forgive him but that isn't the life or relationship I want.

I got another apology today from my husband, my MIL told him what happened. I always end up feeling worse when he apologises. Things were so much easier when he was ignoring me, which is saying something since I felt like I was suffocating at the time.

[Seliana]

38 minutes ago, jiltedpanda said:

I've read a lot of reconciliation stories today even though I keep telling myself that it's not a good idea and the thing that stood out to me is how even for couples who say they're happy years later, it was very rare for them to say they trusted their cheating spouse completely again. I don't know if I could live like that. We never had the type of relationship where I would constantly check up on him. The thought of having to monitor him for the rest of our lives just sounds awful but realistically, I would have to if I ever wanted to be confident he wasn't cheating again. I want to forgive him but that isn't the life or relationship I want.

I got another apology today from my husband, my MIL told him what happened. I always end up feeling worse when he apologises. Things were so much easier when he was ignoring me, which is saying something since I felt like I was suffocating at the time.

Yes, those folks all sound like they're trying so hard to convince themselves they made the "right" decision. I reconciled after an EA, and was in the middle of reconciling after another, until I found out it went to PA, then that was it. I understand the sadness and guilt, and wanting to making things better for someone you love, even if they've hurt you horribly. 

Like your husband, my ex ran off to hide with his parents, his affair shocked his family so much, his mother had a stroke. Like you, I realized I could not live my life wondering and worrying, so I had to love myself more. Besides, he disgusted me after I saw him for what he was, I realized I could never truly love a man I couldn't respect. So I went NC, and we never spoke again. Months later at our divorce mediation, the mediator told me he was crying, looked drunk and awful and kept saying how much he effed up, right until the day of our divorce mediation.

You will forgive him, not b/c he deserves it, but for your own peace of mind, in your own time. However, forgiveness does not necessarily equal reconciliation. I reread the thread, but didn't see, so I'll ask again. Have you been able to do therapy? 

 

 

[pepperbird2]

Re: trust

I'm someone who reconciled, and that was over ten years ago. I now trust my spouse more than anyone else, but it's not a blind trust anymore. TBH, I don' think I could ever trust a man 100 percent ever again.

 

[Seliana]

4 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

Re: trust

I'm someone who reconciled, and that was over ten years ago. I now trust my spouse more than anyone else, but it's not a blind trust anymore. TBH, I don' think I could ever trust a man 100 percent ever again.

 

I hope you don't have cause to regret that. I took that approach too, he reoffended just about 10 years later. Good luck!