He's building his happily ever after on the rubble of my life

[jiltedpanda]

On 9/2/2021 at 1:43 AM, Seliana said:

Yes, those folks all sound like they're trying so hard to convince themselves they made the "right" decision. I reconciled after an EA, and was in the middle of reconciling after another, until I found out it went to PA, then that was it. I understand the sadness and guilt, and wanting to making things better for someone you love, even if they've hurt you horribly. 

I'm really sorry you had to go through that. This is one of my biggest fears now, that I'll forgive him and then he'll do it again in the future.

 

On 9/2/2021 at 1:43 AM, Seliana said:

Have you been able to do therapy? 

I've only had an initial phone consultation but I have an appointment next week. 

 

On 9/2/2021 at 1:44 PM, pepperbird2 said:

I'm someone who reconciled, and that was over ten years ago. I now trust my spouse more than anyone else, but it's not a blind trust anymore. TBH, I don' think I could ever trust a man 100 percent ever again.

Was it hard to reach this point? And how did you know reconciling was the right choice? 

I feel the same about never trusting a man 100% again.

[jiltedpanda]

I spoke to my parents today and they think I need to talk to my husband. Not for him, but for me. My mum actually said she thinks I seem worse now than I did initially. I thought I was doing better until I spoke to them but now I realise that I survive by pushing it all to the back of my mind. I have so many questions that only he can really answer and I feel like I'm going crazy just wondering about the answers every night. After I left their house I sent him a text telling him I needed to talk to him, he replied offering to come over but I freaked and told him not to. 

This might sound cowardly, but I was thinking I could video chat him and ask him my questions that way. I know he could always lie, he probably will, but at least I can stop thinking about this constantly if he gives me some sort of answer.  

[Seliana]

15 minutes ago, jiltedpanda said:

I spoke to my parents today and they think I need to talk to my husband. Not for him, but for me. My mum actually said she thinks I seem worse now than I did initially. I thought I was doing better until I spoke to them but now I realise that I survive by pushing it all to the back of my mind. I have so many questions that only he can really answer and I feel like I'm going crazy just wondering about the answers every night. After I left their house I sent him a text telling him I needed to talk to him, he replied offering to come over but I freaked and told him not to. 

This might sound cowardly, but I was thinking I could video chat him and ask him my questions that way. I know he could always lie, he probably will, but at least I can stop thinking about this constantly if he gives me some sort of answer.  

You're not being cowardly, it's understandable that you're afraid of being manipulated, especially if you're alone. This is why I asked if you went for therapy yet. It's really hard to tell truth from fiction, considering he successfully concealed an affair from you for however long it was. It's up to you to decide what you want hi to answer, if you believe what he says and if you think they will be enough. 

[jiltedpanda]

I ended up asking him all of my questions. It took 3 different video calls before I finally was able to ask everything. The first call I hung up on him after the first question. I did better the second time but a few days later I had new questions. I think he was honest but I will never know. I do feel better knowing more but I don't feel any more confident on what to do. I started therapy which has been somewhat helpful. I'm hoping that after a few more sessions I'll have more of an idea of what I want... Right now we are very much in limbo.

 

[Seliana]

9 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

I ended up asking him all of my questions. It took 3 different video calls before I finally was able to ask everything. The first call I hung up on him after the first question. I did better the second time but a few days later I had new questions. I think he was honest but I will never know. I do feel better knowing more but I don't feel any more confident on what to do. I started therapy which has been somewhat helpful. I'm hoping that after a few more sessions I'll have more of an idea of what I want... Right now we are very much in limbo.

Hi jilted,

Glad to hear from you! I guess those answers were difficult to stomach, hmm? Hang in there, it will take some time to sort yourself out and make sense of things. Don't let anyone pressure you to clean up a mess you didn't make. Hang in there! It will get better eventually, I promise.

[jiltedpanda]

It’s been a while since I posted on here but I felt pretty down today so thought I would give an update. 

Life has been a rollercoaster since I last posted. I ended up letting him move back  home… at first him being back home seemed to help but now part of me wants to kick him out again. He hasn’t even done anything to deserve it but his OW has decided to cause drama and it keeps dragging everything back up. She thinks I’m forcing him to stay with me even though I have nothing to force him with.

Some days I think this isn’t worth it and I should’ve divorced him while I had the chance. 

[ilikept]

In what way are you benefitting from taking him back and is it actually a benefit?  

[Seliana]

3 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

It’s been a while since I posted on here but I felt pretty down today so thought I would give an update. 

Life has been a rollercoaster since I last posted. I ended up letting him move back  home… at first him being back home seemed to help but now part of me wants to kick him out again. He hasn’t even done anything to deserve it but his OW has decided to cause drama and it keeps dragging everything back up. She thinks I’m forcing him to stay with me even though I have nothing to force him with.

Some days I think this isn’t worth it and I should’ve divorced him while I had the chance. 

Hi jilted,

Thanks for the update. Reconciliation is incredibly difficult and takes time. I've read where therapists allot 2-5 years, with the possibility of triggers down the road. It's interesting that his OW is still making a rukus 3 months later if they have been over. Is she mentally unstable or has he given her a reason to think they're an item?

Btw, you're under no obligation to continue if you ever change your mind, regardless of whether he improves or not, his affair nullified your marriage.

Is therapy helping any?

 

[stillafool]

I would save myself the headaches and kick him back out and let OW have him.

[Alvi]

17 hours ago, jiltedpanda said:

It’s been a while since I posted on here but I felt pretty down today so thought I would give an update. 

Life has been a rollercoaster since I last posted. I ended up letting him move back  home… at first him being back home seemed to help but now part of me wants to kick him out again. He hasn’t even done anything to deserve it but his OW has decided to cause drama and it keeps dragging everything back up. She thinks I’m forcing him to stay with me even though I have nothing to force him with.

Some days I think this isn’t worth it and I should’ve divorced him while I had the chance. 

You still can divorce if you wish. Never too late. How much more can you really take? Since his affair is still not over and done with, walking away might be the best option for your sanity. Are you still in therapy? How about him?

I guess the first question you would have to ask is why the other woman is still in the picture? I suppose, the price for the admission (him coming back home to you) would be you putting your foot down and insisting that he cut off any and all contact with her. That goes for you never seeing or hearing from her ever again. It should be his job to shield you from her. Why is he allowing this harassment to continue for month? Why hasn't your husband done anything to protect you from her? Do you think he is still not done with her? Did he ever communicate to her that their disguising affair was a big mistake and that it is a 100% over and done with and that he is not going back to her. Or do you think he is feeling her some false hopes. Who knows what he tells her and what garbage he feeds her when you are not around.

What do you think about him wringing and sending her a letter through a lawyer? In that letter  he admits that the affair was wrong and that he loves you, his wife, and how unfair the whole thing is to you.. He apologizes for leading her on and wishes her well in her future endeavors. He concludes the letter by telling her that things are completely over and asking her to stay away from him and you. Otherwise, legal actions would be taken.

[pepperbird2]

16 hours ago, Seliana said:

Hi jilted,

Thanks for the update. Reconciliation is incredibly difficult and takes time. I've read where therapists allot 2-5 years, with the possibility of triggers down the road. It's interesting that his OW is still making a rukus 3 months later if they have been over. Is she mentally unstable or has he given her a reason to think they're an item?

Btw, you're under no obligation to continue if you ever change your mind, regardless of whether he improves or not, his affair nullified your marriage.

Is therapy helping any?

 

Some OW can (and do) continue to be a thorn in the BSs side for months or even years. It's just another part of reconciliation that one has to be prepared for.

n

[pepperbird2]

2 hours ago, Alvi said:

You still can divorce if you wish. Never too late. How much more can you really take? Since his affair is still not over and done with, walking away might be the best option for your sanity. Are you still in therapy? How about him?

I guess the first question you would have to ask is why the other woman is still in the picture? I suppose, the price for the admission (him coming back home to you) would be you putting your foot down and insisting that he cut off any and all contact with her. That goes for you never seeing or hearing from her ever again. It should be his job to shield you from her. Why is he allowing this harassment to continue for month? Why hasn't your husband done anything to protect you from her? Do you think he is still not done with her? Did he ever communicate to her that their disguising affair was a big mistake and that it is a 100% over and done with and that he is not going back to her. Or do you think he is feeling her some false hopes. Who knows what he tells her and what garbage he feeds her when you are not around.

What do you think about him wringing and sending her a letter through a lawyer? In that letter  he admits that the affair was wrong and that he loves you, his wife, and how unfair the whole thing is to you.. He apologizes for leading her on and wishes her well in her future endeavors. He concludes the letter by telling her that things are completely over and asking her to stay away from him and you. Otherwise, legal actions would be taken.

I would advise talking to a lawyer about the harassment. The legal advice may be very helpful
Many write a clear, concise "no contact' letter with a "read"receipt issued so they know it was received. If she chooses to ignore that, take further legal action. Whatever went on between her and your spouse isn't relevant. You did NOT give her permission to harass you. Hopefully, she'll step back and go on with her life. If she has issues such as a personality disorder, it may be harder to rid yourself of her.

Edited January 24, 2022 by pepperbird2

[Seliana]

5 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Some OW can (and do) continue to be a thorn in the BSs side for months or even years. It's just another part of reconciliation that one has to be prepared for.

n

The WH invited them into their lives, so honestly, as pesky as she is, she's not the real problem. 

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

Some OW can (and do) continue to be a thorn in the BSs side for months or even years. It's just another part of reconciliation that one has to be prepared for.

n

But that only happens if a husband allows for it to happen. It is his job to protect his wife from his psycho ex lover. A husband should in no uncertain terms let that other woman know that her presence is not welcome in their lives and take legal actions if necessary. But he is not doing that. I wonder if it it because he enjoys the drama of two women fighting over him? Are they still intimate and is he filling her head with God knows what regarding his wife and their future together? It's quite possible he is still lying through his teeth to both his wife and his mistress. Her idea of harassing this man's wife didn't just come from the thin air. Is he the one who is feeding her some ideas? Seriously, the OP's husband is not some helpless bystander here. He is not blameless by any means by getting involved in an affair. But if he is truly remorseful and wants to do things right by his wife, he needs to start protecting her from his deranged ex.

Edited January 25, 2022 by Alvi

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I would advise talking to a lawyer about the harassment. The legal advice may be very helpful
Many write a clear, concise "no contact' letter with a "read"receipt issued so they know it was received. If she chooses to ignore that, take further legal action. Whatever went on between her and your spouse isn't relevant. You did NOT give her permission to harass you. Hopefully, she'll step back and go on with her life. If she has issues such as a personality disorder, it may be harder to rid yourself of her.

But all of that should come from her husband, not her. He is the one who needs to go see a lawyer about how to protect his wife. He is the one who needs to be sending her no contact letters. It should be his job to do everything in his power to shield his wife from this instable ex, not her. If he fails to put the end to this, leave him OP.

[Jonttu]

8 hours ago, Alvi said:

But all of that should come from her husband, not her. He is the one who needs to go see a lawyer about how to protect his wife. He is the one who needs to be sending her no contact letters. It should be his job to do everything in his power to shield his wife from this instable ex, not her. If he fails to put the end to this, leave him OP.

Exactly! HE should do the decision-making, HE should protect his wife, HE needs to send her NC-letters and HE should make sure to keep it up.

Lack of masculinity seems to be something several of them have in common. Why is it always the wife who needs to keep them in check, why are they degrading their spouses to fend for and protect the M? As long as they have fond and protective feelings towards the OW, they should be shown the door. Let the OW experience the weakness of their MM.

'Manning up' is a sentence often told to weeping, pining and indecisive MMs, who stay in the M while loving their OWs. 

Continuing in the M means, that the W and H form a united front, right?

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Jonttu

[Starswillshine]

12 hours ago, Seliana said:

The WH invited them into their lives, so honestly, as pesky as she is, she's not the real problem. 

At some point though, she becomes the real problem. 

Because the OW in my case still harassed me even a year after I divorced my ex husband. Yes. I can continue to blame him for bringing her into my life, but at that point, it was on her. I moved on, was involved in a new relationship, and she STILL called in the middle of the night, or text me, or sent social media messages. And yes, she was blocked every way, she would just make new accounts, new phone numbers, etc. 

Sometimes these OW get obsessed! And when the WH pushes back on her, she takes it out on the BS. They don't take kindly to rejection, she hurts, so she will make sure everyone else hurts. How dare any of them just move on in life. 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Starswillshine

[Wiseman2]

On 1/23/2022 at 9:14 PM, jiltedpanda said:

 letting him move back  home…  his OW has decided to cause drama .I should’ve divorced him while I had the chance. 

If you are still legally married, it's his house and residence, so you can not bar him from it.

Even if he abandons you periodically to be with his mistress.

Your husband is the problem, not his mistress. As long as you remain legally married you will have to tolerate it.

What do you mean divorce "when you had the chance"? 

[vla1120]

On 1/23/2022 at 9:14 PM, jiltedpanda said:

It’s been a while since I posted on here but I felt pretty down today so thought I would give an update. 

Life has been a rollercoaster since I last posted. I ended up letting him move back  home… at first him being back home seemed to help but now part of me wants to kick him out again. He hasn’t even done anything to deserve it but his OW has decided to cause drama and it keeps dragging everything back up. She thinks I’m forcing him to stay with me even though I have nothing to force him with.

Some days I think this isn’t worth it and I should’ve divorced him while I had the chance. 

Of course, divorce is still an option. Are the two of you in marriage counseling? I don't know many marriages that could survive infidelity without therapy. I agree with what others have said, it falls squarely on your husband's shoulders to keep the OW from contacting you and interfering in your marriage. Considering his approach to telling you he wanted to separate (a written letter, delivered by a third party), I don't hold out much hope that he is going to take responsibility and do the right thing, here. I would still make sure you've contacted an attorney and know your rights and what to expect if this goes south. I do wish you much luck. Please tread carefully and take care of yourself.

[Seliana]

6 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

At some point though, she becomes the real problem. 

Because the OW in my case still harassed me even a year after I divorced my ex husband. Yes. I can continue to blame him for bringing her into my life, but at that point, it was on her. I moved on, was involved in a new relationship, and she STILL called in the middle of the night, or text me, or sent social media messages. And yes, she was blocked every way, she would just make new accounts, new phone numbers, etc. 

Sometimes these OW get obsessed! And when the WH pushes back on her, she takes it out on the BS. They don't take kindly to rejection, she hurts, so she will make sure everyone else hurts. How dare any of them just move on in life. 

She's nuts, but how common is that? My point was meant for the less "special' ones. I'm sorry you had to deal with that crap, I might have been tempted to do something drastic to put some fear into her. Like hire a PI to stalk her and expose her everywhere to ruin her life if she wouldn't back off.

[Starswillshine]

32 minutes ago, Seliana said:

She's nuts, but how common is that? My point was meant for the less "special' ones. I'm sorry you had to deal with that crap, I might have been tempted to do something drastic to put some fear into her. Like hire a PI to stalk her and expose her everywhere to ruin her life if she wouldn't back off.

I would like to say it isn't common, but we can see on these boards some examples. For instance, one MM broke it off with his OW. He told her they can no longer communicate. She found a way around that. He shut her down. But now she is considering contacting the BS (who already had a Dday).

And while yes, 100% this is on him for bringing this woman into her life, sometimes, he does do the right thing after the fact, but the OW cannot leave it alone. Understandably in some cases, they feel that the MM goes on the be happy while their hearts are in shambles. But still.... sometimes, there is little the WS can do to keep the AP away from the BS. 

 

Thankfully in my case, she has mostly left me alone. Though she still pops up in places... as long as I ignore her, she seems to get bored. I think she was addicted to the drama. When I gave her no drama, she eventually just faded away. 

[Seliana]

38 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I would like to say it isn't common, but we can see on these boards some examples. For instance, one MM broke it off with his OW. He told her they can no longer communicate. She found a way around that. He shut her down. But now she is considering contacting the BS (who already had a Dday).

And while yes, 100% this is on him for bringing this woman into her life, sometimes, he does do the right thing after the fact, but the OW cannot leave it alone. Understandably in some cases, they feel that the MM goes on the be happy while their hearts are in shambles. But still.... sometimes, there is little the WS can do to keep the AP away from the BS. 

 

Thankfully in my case, she has mostly left me alone. Though she still pops up in places... as long as I ignore her, she seems to get bored. I think she was addicted to the drama. When I gave her no drama, she eventually just faded away. 

Yeah, I've seen what you talk about. Out of curiosity, I read of few of those threads and can't for the life of me understand why people settle for crumbs or think they're in competition for someone else's spouse. It's even more bewildering when the OW get upset b/c MM lied to her or "cheated" and they can't get over it 😂 That's some pretty "special" logic.

Even so, OP has no control over anyone else's actions but her own, so complaining about what other people are doing while accepting the status quo will change nothing. I know I must sound clinical and detached, but I've been through all of this and it's not worth it. 

I'm glad you finally got peace!

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 7/31/2021 at 4:27 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Doesn't he have to file for divorce in your country? Ask your attorney about abandonment. Since he just took off, also ask if it's legal to change the locks.

Make sure you get a wolverine for an attorney and file for divorce asap so you can sever finances before he cleans you out to finance his mistress.

 Stop letting him call the shots. Get a good therapist for the emotional side of this and an aggressive attorney for the logistical side of this.

Outstanding advice!!!

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 7/31/2021 at 2:07 PM, jiltedpanda said:

He wants us to legally separate instead of immediately going to divorce.

He wants to make sure things work with the new chick before totally severing ties with you. Wow, that man is ballsy!

[jiltedpanda]

I don’t know if the OW is unstable. She seems hurt and in denial. I think she genuinely believes that they’ll end up together and I’m the reason they can’t be right now. Part of me feels sorry for her, which I never thought I would say. 
 

My WH has told her to stop, he was really nasty to her. I actually told him to stop since I felt he went too far. I didn’t tell him at first that she was contacting me but she came to our house and had a meltdown, which is how he found out and he was really angry. I don’t think they’re still seeing each other unless they’re both Oscar worthy actors but they made me look like a fool once so who knows? 
 

We haven’t started marriage counselling yet. I didn’t think my WH was up to it when I first let him come back. We should probably start now, though. We both are in IC. It’s been a lifesaver for me, even though things still suck it helps make me feel less like I’m drowning. 
 

Regarding divorce, I don’t know… it feels 100x harder now for me to file than it did when he was out of the house. Also, as bad as this is going to sound, he’s in a much better headspace now so I doubt he’s going to be as kind in the divorce as he would’ve been back then… I don’t think I’m up to fighting a divorce right now… I feel drained and just tired of all of this.