Philzee Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 (edited) Ive been in a relationship with someone for the last three year absolutely love and adore the bones of her, we met on match.com, hit it of so quick spoke for a few days then e, changed numbers then decided to have a date, went to the beach with a picnic and blanket,, had a cheeky kiss as you do and chatted for ages in the sun it was such a beautiful day and not just the sun, she lives a few mile from me id go to hers she would come here, she came to mine last week everything seemed normal walked hand in hand Into shops for few bits everything was fine altho, she woke up next morning and said she can't do she lives 30 miles from me and told me she can't do it any more seeing me once a week because of the way my hrs are at work I work four days a week which I'm hoping to get changed I'm so low I miss her so much its killing me We still text and talk every day and night and she told me it's my motivation as I live in my late parents house my rooms old fashioned she's been telling me to redecorate, new bed etc that's needed and I kept saying I will, rooms completely bare now. Then the time come to get into a relationship she started sending me in the mail some cards 11 in total with phrases on the front and somthing she wrote in every card how I totally light up her life in every possible wayshe thought she would never feel like she has with me. She also told me that morning it was like when we were first going out and dating she was paying for everything, hotels, trips away and I had no motivation to say ill pay for this or message saying where off work I've booked a hotel etc, it was all her and said she needs that balance, she says it's like a set of scales one side you have this georgous extremely loving caring wonderful man, and the other side you have this part of me that doesn't have any motivation to do anything, that's where it gets unbalanced. As I'm in a new job since March i love it I think I've got so wound up and in a rut doing my job I've totally forgot about everything I can't think for one minute why I didn't say no darling you paid for last hotel I'll pay for this one, why I didn't say yea I'll sort my room, and as I don't drive I've done lessons, had theory test but failed she said get back onto iPad and start revising again and book back in as she was doing all the driving. I completely and utterly adore the bones of her, she's made me feel amazing in every way, ive never felt like this over anyone. I've asked to meet next week so we are on Thursday, I just Wana see if we can sort it I'm totally smitten with here. I totally love this lady and can't understand why I didn't do my bit or was motivated. I really need advice Edited July 31, 2021 by Philzee Forget somthing Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 Okay. Why not meet with her and see where it goes from there? You’ve dated for three years and it wasn’t a good time for you with your work. The house is your house if it was passed down to you so you decorate it any way you please. Christmas lights in July if you very well like. If you aren’t marrying her or she isn’t moving in she can keep her trap shut about the way you live. Or, walk away. Congrats on the new job also and think of yourself as a new and improved man. Treat her like a lady and if you can pay for the meal or coffee. If it doesn’t work out and the chemistry isn’t there this will not break you. Move on then and nevermind about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Philzee Posted July 31, 2021 Author Share Posted July 31, 2021 1 minute ago, glows said: Okay. Why not meet with her and see where it goes from there? You’ve dated for three years and it wasn’t a good time for you with your work. The house is your house if it was passed down to you so you decorate it any way you please. Christmas lights in July if you very well like. If you aren’t marrying her or she isn’t moving in she can keep her trap shut about the way you live. Or, walk away. Congrats on the new job also and think of yourself as a new and improved man. Treat her like a lady and if you can pay for the meal or coffee. If it doesn’t work out and the chemistry isn’t there this will not break you. Move on then and nevermind about her. That's the thing tho I just don't understand why I didn't think about paying for things sorting my room etc, I love more than I've loved anyone, I was so wound up in her/us I don't k ow if that's it or what, also we spoke earlier on phone about meeting next week and she said don't get your hopes up, do people say that and mean/not mean it Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 7 minutes ago, Philzee said: That's the thing tho I just don't understand why I didn't think about paying for things sorting my room etc, I love more than I've loved anyone, I was so wound up in her/us I don't k ow if that's it or what, also we spoke earlier on phone about meeting next week and she said don't get your hopes up, do people say that and mean/not mean it It means just take it day by day and relax. Let go of the past. If she’s seeing you again to meet up it’s a positive. Be confident about this and move forwards. Let us know how the meet up went. In the meantime, busy yourself and don’t be too consumed with what you did or didn’t do in the past. Listen to some music, engage with your hobbies, check in with your friends. She’s not the entire world. People you love come and go for different reasons. Stay strong and don’t give in to any ridiculous accusations either. If she wants to be with you let it be on equal terms. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted August 2, 2021 Share Posted August 2, 2021 It sounds like she made a lot of effort in the relationship and you just coasted along. She feels that you took her for granted. Did she not talk to you about these things before? She must have and you did not listen to her. Relationships take alot of work to maintain balance. At the end of the day you are who you are. Only you can change yourself and changes take time. I don’t think you did those things on purpose. You just did not think about it. If it bothered her she should have just told you to pay. After 3 years, she should feel comfortable doing that. it could be that you are on the spectrum and don’t think that way. Have you heard that song Simple Man? I don’t think you are compatible. She does not understand you and you do not understand her. Love unfortunately does not conquer all. I don’t think there is much hope as she sounds resentful. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 7, 2021 Share Posted August 7, 2021 It seems to me that the distance was a factor here, amongst others. If she was doing all the driving, the paying for trips, coming to see you, she is going to think it's all down to her. I can understand her backing out in such a situation. I would think the house was just another sign of lack of self-motivation from you but of course you are under no obligation to decorate for your girlfriend. I don't know why you didn't think of paying for things. You know now that you need to share responsibilities in a relationship where there should be give and take. This was a three-year relationship. That's a long time for her to feel she is doing everything. If things haven't changed in that time, then she could conclude they are unlikely to change. Did she not hint that you should be doing some things? Well, you will know for the future that there is a more practical, adult side to a relationship. It seems like you were treating it more like a teenager would. I can't see her coming back but who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Philzee Posted August 29, 2021 Author Share Posted August 29, 2021 Well we met yesterday as planned and I'd didt go to plan Link to post Share on other sites
salmagund1 Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 I'm sorry to hear that...what happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Philzee Posted August 29, 2021 Author Share Posted August 29, 2021 3 minutes ago, salmagund1 said: I'm sorry to hear that...what happened? We arranged to go to a restaurant then go and sit on the beach, Basically she came to mine we had coffee chatted, the she asked can I see the new room, my bedroom, one of the reasons she walked as I lost my motivation to redecorate it, she came up had a look said wow its so unrecognisable from what it was as the house is 120year old so u can probs imagine, anyway its painted, carpet down furniture in apart from bed and one wardrobe which I'm waiting for, we sat on carpet she kept looking at me I said you OK she said I feel sick I said do you want some water and moved over to her we had a hug then that's when the tears started from both of us for three hrs we've chatted cried and hugged she said she wants different things to me as it wasn't just my room but not payingy share of hotels not helping her move etc, she said go on dating sites meet someone have fun which I have no intention of doing then the last moment we hugged she kissed my cheek saying I can't kiss you properly, we went down stairs I walked her to car we cuddled she said ill text you when I'm home and asked can we vid call tnite before bed, as usual, then kissed my lips. When we were together she always said I give the best cuddles ever and today she said I've missed them. Im so Confused, I feel one part of her wants me and one part doesn't, I asked can we at least now and again meet up have a coffee or somthing, she said she doesn't want to meet if I still have feelings for her as she doesn't want it to make things harder for me x Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 1 hour ago, Philzee said: Well we met yesterday as planned and I'd didt go to plan Sorry this happened. Unfortunately after 3 years you are just not compatible. The distance, future plans, the house thing etc. Hopefully you have some closure and can move forward with someone local who you have more in common with and is on board with your goals. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 So after 3 years, you see each other once per week, she pays for everything, she always comes to you because you don't drive & failed your driving test & you were too cheap to even update the house you inherited. What is the upside for her to date you? It sounds like you took advantage of her & she grew sick of it. Let her go. Get your job sorted out. Learn to drive. When you get that together, make arrangements to drive over to her house in your new to you car & see if you can start from scratch. Understand she will probably be in a new relationship by then but by then you should also have the confidence to date other women. You will have more to offer due to the positive changes you have made & the lessons you learned from this failed relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 "I feel one part of her wants me and one part doesn't," I'm sorry, OP, but this is exactly it. She wants the cuddles, the affection, but she doesn't want the part that did not have motivation to do things that would have helped her. You say you loved the bones of her but love doesn't mean leaving all the work up to your girlfriend. I think you need to give up on her and move on, painful thought that is. I can't see her going back after three years' experience. Link to post Share on other sites
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