Smiles81 Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 Hello everyone 🖐 I stumbled on this forum by accident and I am looking to share my story and look for support from any others in a similar situation. I have spent the past 3 years feeling so alone in my situation with a man I really love. The feelings have existed mutually for 17 years (we are distant collagues) although we only admitted them about 3 years ago. Since then our communication and meetings have increased. We are open in our feelings and meet outside work every 4 -8 weeks. We are passionate with each other but have never slept together as we have never spent a night together. He says we will this August but he has not provided me with any date for this to occur. He has been open about his feelings for me and our relationship with many of his friends and even some family members. He even told two of my close friends that he was desperate to be with me and he didn't know what to do. He has openly kissed me in front of mutual friends and will hold hands with me in public, go out to pubs etc. (He didn't at first... this came as our relationship grew). The added complication is that we are both married. He has told me in the past he is deeply unhappy... and he wants to be with me but has also expressed fear at the consequences of such a decision. I am struggling. I am very unhappy in my marriage but, with two children, it is hard for me to leave, even to be on my own. I spend weeks looking forward to seeing him and then feel so depressed afterwards knowing that I won't see him again for so long. I told him last night that I was finding it hard and he just said 'I know' ..... I really don't know what to do! Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 Having a semi-acceptable relationship is also the allure and fantasy that draws affair partners in. If you want something more tangible or real than what you currently have, do both of you share that? You could just be a fantasy or escape for him. You’ve listed all the ways he’s out and doesn’t hide you but you’re still living a double life. It’s up to you to decide if that’s what you’re happy with. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 Fish or cut bait? What is motivating you to reach out for support at this time (after so long)? Has something changed? Have you changed? Are you ready to make massive changes to your life and the people around you? Are you considering changing the status quo? Why now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smiles81 Posted July 31, 2021 Author Share Posted July 31, 2021 I guess I have gradually come to the realisation as to why this has all happened. I did see a counsellor for a while about this a couple of years ago but it has taken this long for me to realise how truly unhappy I am. The fact that I have been thinking about how to leave my OH, not just for my AP but for myself makes me realise something has to change but I still don't know what. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 In response to your most recent post, it might be good to go back to your counselor again to help you sort out what you really want and what will make you happy. Also, if you are certain about leaving H, you're counselor should help you devise a plan on how to best go about it. Do you believe you have a future with your AP? If so, what would need to occur to make that happen on your side and his? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 2 hours ago, Smiles81 said: I am very unhappy in my marriage but, with two children, it is hard for me to leave, even to be on my own. Consult an attorney to discuss your options in divorce including spousal maintenance, division of property, retirement accounts, child support/custody, etc. You need professional advice not trysts with typical lying cheaters with the standard "my spouse doesn't understand me" lines. That's about as effective as trying to resolve your marital unhappiness by going to casinos pulling levers for highs but all the while losing. You need to consult an attorney, because when your husband finds out (and he will) you will be in an extremely difficult position. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 2 hours ago, Smiles81 said: I am struggling. I am very unhappy in my marriage but, with two children, it is hard for me to leave, even to be on my own. Why are you afraid to be alone without a man? By being alone you can have the freedom to see and date who you want to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 5 hours ago, Smiles81 said: We are passionate with each other but have never slept together as we have never spent a night together. He says we will this August but he has not provided me with any date for this to occur. My advice - don’t do it. You will only become more attached and he isn’t a viable relationship partner for you. If it was me, I would tell him to contact me again with divorce papers in hand. You are taking his declarations of love to mean that he will leave his marriage and you will be together. Maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not… but, until he is single this is nothing more than a relationship built on fantasy. Are you truly unhappy in your marriage - it’s hard to say. You can’t do an honest assessment of your marriage if you are fantasizing about your Prince Charming and your happily ever after… some day in August, he just has yet to tell you which day! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 16 hours ago, glows said: Having a semi-acceptable relationship is also the allure and fantasy that draws affair partners in. If you want something more tangible or real than what you currently have, do both of you share that? You could just be a fantasy or escape for him. You’ve listed all the ways he’s out and doesn’t hide you but you’re still living a double life. It’s up to you to decide if that’s what you’re happy with. I agree. The look but don't touch might be very different to if you actually get it together. One night together and the bubble could burst and you might be wondering what all the fuss was about which would be a huge let down. You either need to give it a go and see if the last 17 years have been worth it or walk away and both look carefully at your own marriages. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smiles81 Posted August 1, 2021 Author Share Posted August 1, 2021 IThank you so much for your replies. Stillafool... I am not afraid to be on my own... I would actually like that for a while to get my head together.... the problem is my two children. I wouldn't know where to go with them both and, even if I did, they wouldn't understand why I was taking them away, as I go out of my way to avoid any sort of confrontation with my husband and keep the environment pleasant for them. I agree with what Bailey and NYAG say about spending the night with him. It is a very dangerous move.... The way I feel about him means that it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if the sex itself was rubbish... as the kissing is sensational and I could live out on that happily for the rest of my life. I would just like to have the time to lie in his arms... however, I know that it will result in me becoming even more attached (if that was even posssible). I am intrigued by your thoughts about his willingness to tell others about our relationship. Initially he wouldn't let me text him using certain platforms or contact him at certain times of day. He was constantly paranoid about seeing people he knew when we were out and called the whole thing off numerous times in the first year, but over the last 2 years, things have changed. We are far less of a secret than we were and he is happy to spend time with me in public places. Link to post Share on other sites
solostand Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, BaileyB said: You can’t do an honest assessment of your marriage if you are fantasizing about your Prince Charming and your happily ever after… some day in August, he just has yet to tell you which day! Could be pushed to September. Then October or November. Been there. Done That. Never happened. I am so thrilled it never happened because that would have been just one more thing for me to obsess about 24 hours a day, blow out of proportion, and certainly use to cause some sort of chaos in my life or his. Edited August 1, 2021 by solostand Add thought. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 15 minutes ago, Smiles81 said: as I go out of my way to avoid any sort of confrontation with my husband You need to realize that this might be out of your control. You and your MM are being indiscreet now. This is risking that someone you know sees you and tells your husband. What do you imagine will happen then? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 30 minutes ago, Smiles81 said: I go out of my way to avoid any sort of confrontation with my husband and keep the environment pleasant for them. Is your husband argumentative? How is going off for trysts "making it pleasant" for your kids? Who watches them when you are with this guy? The husband you are attempting to describe as quarrelsome and problematic? How is putting your kids in the line of fire justifying your urges? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 21 hours ago, Smiles81 said: Hello everyone 🖐 I stumbled on this forum by accident and I am looking to share my story and look for support from any others in a similar situation. I have spent the past 3 years feeling so alone in my situation with a man I really love. The feelings have existed mutually for 17 years (we are distant collagues) although we only admitted them about 3 years ago. Since then our communication and meetings have increased. We are open in our feelings and meet outside work every 4 -8 weeks. We are passionate with each other but have never slept together as we have never spent a night together. He says we will this August but he has not provided me with any date for this to occur. He has been open about his feelings for me and our relationship with many of his friends and even some family members. He even told two of my close friends that he was desperate to be with me and he didn't know what to do. He has openly kissed me in front of mutual friends and will hold hands with me in public, go out to pubs etc. (He didn't at first... this came as our relationship grew). The added complication is that we are both married. He has told me in the past he is deeply unhappy... and he wants to be with me but has also expressed fear at the consequences of such a decision. I am struggling. I am very unhappy in my marriage but, with two children, it is hard for me to leave, even to be on my own. I spend weeks looking forward to seeing him and then feel so depressed afterwards knowing that I won't see him again for so long. I told him last night that I was finding it hard and he just said 'I know' ..... I really don't know what to do! My best advice to you would be to put aside all this other peripheral stuff and do what's best for your kids. What can you do that would give them the best outcome? You may not be happy in your marriage, but I've never met a spouse yet who deserved to be cheated on. You mentioned you have kids so you can't leave, but madam, what you are doing is setting them up for a horrible experience. If your BS finds out you are cheating, your marriage may well implode in the worst way possible. Like many things in life, there's a piece to be paid for being happy in a relationship. In your case, it's ( or it should be) ending your your marriage. It can be done in such a way that your kids will be fine, you'll be fine, your ex husband will be fine and you can walk away, head held high and feeling good. If you want to get involved with a man at that point, you'll be free and clear to do so. No sneaking, no hiding, no guilt. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: You need to realize that this might be out of your control. You and your MM are being indiscreet now. This is risking that someone you know sees you and tells your husband. What do you imagine will happen then? yeah, I'm not seeing how that equates to avoiding confrontation. If I had a spouse who was volatile, the last thing I would do would be to cheat and then go in public where we'd be sure to be seen. That doesn't add up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 2 hours ago, Smiles81 said: I am intrigued by your thoughts about his willingness to tell others about our relationship. There was a MM on this board who once bought a diamond ring and proposed to his OW. He never left his wife and the relationship ended spectacularly. It’s not only the OW who get caught up in the fantasy. 2 hours ago, Smiles81 said: he is happy to spend time with me in public places. Oh boy, you are playing with fire here. I second what was said above - you are putting your children at risk by behaving so recklessly. Be very careful, lest you discover yourself with an angry husband when you are discovered - do you have a safety plan? May I suggest, this may be part of the thrill of the affair for him. We currently have another poster on this site who’s husband had an affair with a young girl and they had sex in her parent’s home and in public. They were obviously more reckless than you have been, but the thrill of the risk was obviously a driving force for him. Has he told his wife? Because, that’s the only person who really matters. If he is still sneaking around behind her back, then this is still a secret affair and as such, it’s little more than a fantasy for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smiles81 Posted August 1, 2021 Author Share Posted August 1, 2021 Ok... I agree with all that is being said. I do genuinely want what is best for my children. My husband is not volatile or argumentative but plays very little part in our family life, despite my numerous efforts in the past... which I have now given up on because I don't want to argue and, I guess, because I get the validation I've always needed from AP instead. I need to give some serious thought to our relationship and forget about AP for a while. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Smiles81 said: I need to give some serious thought to our relationship and forget about AP for a while. This seems to be a good plan, and you can’t give your relationship serious thought if there is another man in your life. Consider this relationship with your affair partner - I’m sure that you will disagree but the truth is, you don’t really know this man. You haven’t had to live with him and all his quirks. You haven’t had the stress of negotiating the division of labour or childcare, paying unexpected household bills, visiting in-laws, dealing with ex-spouses, supporting each other through illness or grief. And as such, you have no idea if he would be a good partner for you or not. What you are experiencing is the “high” of a new relationship. Like two high school kids who are sneaking out to see each other at night, it’s exciting, it feels good, and your heart flutters when you talk/see him. Kindly, your statement that it would not matter to you if the sex is not good, because his kisses make you feel so wonderful… about as mature a teenage girl who says it doesn’t matter that he has no ambition to go to school or get a job, I just love it when he looks at me that way and my heart just melts when he kisses me… You have not moved past the infatuation stage because logistically, you can’t be together. What you have is a man who is showing you attention and affection that has been lacking in your marriage, and that feels really good. If you have an inattentive and disengaged husband, it’s got to feel really good. In other words, the fantasy is not based in reality. Consider this - the only thing you know definitively about this man is that he is capable of lying and cheating on his wife. And THAT is a BIG red flag that should get your attention. For all you know, his wife could be complaining that her husband is inattentive and disengaged in their family (because he’s busy pursuing another relationship). Wouldn’t that be ironic! And wouldn’t that be a pickle, if you left your marriage only to find you’ve made another poor choice of relationship partner! As I said above, the best thing to do here is to find yourself a counsellor and seriously consider whether you want to stay or leave your marriage. Tell this MM to contact you with divorce papers in hand… if what he says is really true and he is desperate to be with you, he will do what is required to make that happen. You can then date - and this relationship can grow in a healthy way such that you take the time to truly assess whether he is a good partner and this is a healthy relationship for you (and your children!). But, it’s more likely that he won’t leave his marriage… as HE has already said, it’s a huge risk to divorce and it will change his life and his children’s lives forever. It’s far easier and much more fun to carry on a secret affair… Edited August 1, 2021 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smiles81 Posted August 1, 2021 Author Share Posted August 1, 2021 Bailey... I appreciate your response so much... I have said all this to myself numerous times but it really helps to have someone else say it! Ironically, it was the fact that he went through a series of horrific life events that brought us together.... he became very ill and, reading between the lines, I guess he didn't get the support he needed from his wife at the time. Needless to say, his initial advances towards me were turned down but I worked hard at our friendship and to support him. I am well aware that this is not the same as supporting someone you are living with however. He is far from perfect but many of his failings aline closely with mine, which I guess is where the empathy comes from. But yes, I cannot deny that I am finding it hard to see beyond the rosy fantasy... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Smiles81 said: I appreciate your response so much... I have said all this to myself numerous times but it really helps to have someone else say it! I’m glad. I hate to focus on the negative here but, you need to look at this realistically. I kind of cringed when you made the comment, “I don’t care if the sex is rubbish, I could live off his kisses alone for the rest of my life…” It’s not uncommon for people to come together over common experiences. Of course, you offered your support and your friendship and feelings grew from there. It’s easy to understand how it happened. I’m not actually saying that you wouldn’t be good partners, I’m just saying that you can not assess that realistically from the relationship that you share now because it’s happening in a bubble and you are still at the very early, infatuation stage of the relationship. Real life is complex and in a different context, you may find that he is very different and the relationship you share is very different. What you share with your MM is mostly fantasy. What you share with your husband is reality. And as such, you can’t even begin to compare the two - they don’t play on the same field. Your husband will lose every. single. time. I mean seriously, this MM told you he would have sex with you one day in August and you are sitting, waiting in anticipation for him to tell you the date. Again, with kindness, if your friend said the same to you and you were able to assess the situation objectively - what would be your response to her? And let’s not forget that he is lying and cheating on his wife. If he’s capable of doing that to her, he is very capable of doing the same to you. As I say, it is one of the few things you know about this man to be absolute truth! Ignore that information at your own peril. Edited August 1, 2021 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Smiles81 said: I do genuinely want what is best for my children. My husband is not volatile or argumentative but plays very little part in our family life Is he away a lot or just checked out? What do you mean by this? Won't get involved with the kids (as much as you are or at all) or he won't offer you affection? Having two checked out, preoccupied parents is 'best for your children'? Edited August 1, 2021 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smiles81 Posted August 1, 2021 Author Share Posted August 1, 2021 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Is he away a lot or just checked out? What do you mean by this? Won't get involved with the kids (as much as you are or at all) or he won't offer you affection? Having two checked out, preoccupied parents is 'best for your children'? He lives with us but spends all day every day locked in his office working or doing his own thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 13 minutes ago, Smiles81 said: He lives with us but spends all day every day locked in his office working or doing his own thing. Do you think he's having an affair? How is your marriage as fare as affection? Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 I think the affair is distracting you from working on your marriage. Make the decision that would be best for your children. Have you spoken with your husband many times about the issues between you? I see you've tried to have him more involved with family. What was his response? Getting involved with MM has complicated things so much for you. MM provides solace, I understand that but it's complicating your life to no end. Has it always been this way, where hubby needs a lot of space in the relationship, and locks himself away with work? Sleeping with MM may feel nice (or not) but you will become more attached for sure. I wonder if your hubby suspects you have this other relationship? You have this man you have committed to, his feelings, yours, and the life you share, plus the kids. Your family is your #1 priority. You can be sure MM feels the same about his. You're a distraction for him too. Please put your efforts where they belong, with hubby and kids. Mend things or separate, divorce? A plan must be put in place with your goals clearly defined! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smiles81 Posted August 2, 2021 Author Share Posted August 2, 2021 I agree with all that is being said here. I am just trying to work through things in my head. I clearly need some sense knocking into me. Link to post Share on other sites
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