JiltedJane Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 (edited) After 13 months of an on again off again relationship, I finally reached my breaking point and told him I needed time to collect my thoughts and needed space. I told him I had a million thoughts in my head and did not know how to convey them without sounding manic. You can read about our whole romantic limbo in my other forums. IDK what happened tbh. I was sitting there at dinner and something in me snapped. We got home I grabbed my over night bag and said I'm going home tonight to be alone. It's been four days and I have not heard from him. His last message to me was " I do like you ___" after I told him it was clear I like him more than he likes me. I've actually been eerily calm with the no contact. While part of me is glad with this calmness, I'm afraid of the boom coming. Years ago after my 5 yr relationship ended I reacted the same way and then weeks later lost my temper out of no where. I still work with this current POI with two shifts coming up together. I'm afraid I am going to see him and melt down, or have a nervous breakdown if i find out he has moved on to someone else. My question is what do i do now? Do I wait for him to initiate contact or do I have to do it since I asked for space? Why isn't he chasing me like he did before? Edited September 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 He's not chasing you because your instinct is correct: he doesn't like you much. BTW: his words here are totally lame. "I do like you, X." I could say that about a neighbor who gets on my nerves. He's not interested. He's not going to chase, because he knows you'll get lonely and return to him. He may promise to do better and he'll be kinder for a day and then he'll be back to his own life. Dump this guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 1 hour ago, JiltedJane said: I've actually been eerily calm with the no contact. That is the sound of sanity and peace. Take this opportunity to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps Is this the same man?: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 (edited) I don’t know what, because I really don’t know what you sought to accomplish with this. Do you think breaking it off for a period of time was going to get a lukewarm person to like you more or something? Because it doesn’t he’s probably not chasing anymore because he’s tired of the games and knows you’ll come back around eventually Edited July 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 You asked for space and he's respecting it. If you want to get back in contact, you have to initiate it. However, first consider the reasons why you'd want to get back in contact. With the two of you feeling differently about children, the relationship can't go anywhere anyway. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted July 31, 2021 Author Share Posted July 31, 2021 Of course an hr after I posted this he messaged me asking if I’m ok...smh... Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 Quote I asked for space. now what Wait to get out past the Oort Cloud into interstellar space, I suppose... A guy who wants to be with you is unmistakable in his behavior. He likes you like he likes any other platonic friend he has no intention on being serious with--not much to make out of that to support wondering why he won't chase you. "He doesn't want to" is the most direct answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 17 hours ago, JiltedJane said: My question is what do i do now? Do I wait for him to initiate contact or do I have to do it since I asked for space? Why isn't he chasing me like he did before? 14 hours ago, JiltedJane said: Of course an hr after I posted this he messaged me asking if I’m ok...smh... You need to figure out what you want & communicate that clearly. Telling somebody to back off because you want space then getting annoyed when they don't chase you is immature sh*t-testing somebody . It's not fair & it's childish but in your case it apparently worked. He reached out. So what did you say? At this point it's up to you to communicate. Until you get your head out of your behind & get clear about what it is that you actually want, this on again, off again merry-go-round will keep spinning because you like the ride. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted August 1, 2021 Author Share Posted August 1, 2021 (edited) 40 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You need to figure out what you want & communicate that clearly. Telling somebody to back off because you want space then getting annoyed when they don't chase you is immature sh*t-testing somebody . It's not fair & it's childish but in your case it apparently worked. He reached out. So what did you say? At this point it's up to you to communicate. Until you get your head out of your behind & get clear about what it is that you actually want, this on again, off again merry-go-round will keep spinning because you like the ride. i haven't replied. idk what to say and unsure if i want to talk to him. I'm not 100% sure if I'm okay. idk if i should reply to be polite. All I know is that I want him or to move on. Edited August 1, 2021 by JiltedJane Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 It seems unstable and unhappy(the relationship). You’re now looking for an affirmation that he cares or is committed through the way he follows or contacts you after an argument. The need to know whether he loves and cares about you is real and you’re hurting quite a lot. Why go down this dysfunctional and unstable path all over again? You should know deep down whether you’re meant to be together. If the answer is no, move on. Don’t ask for scraps - all that leaves you is in scraps and pieces. If you are in it, find the whole thing, the real thing, with someone who wants the same that you do out of life. You can choose. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 17 minutes ago, JiltedJane said: All I know is that I want him or to move on. Uh, those are kinda two completely opposite things. You sound confused 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 1 hour ago, JiltedJane said: i haven't replied. idk what to say and unsure if i want to talk to him. I'm not 100% sure if I'm okay. idk if i should reply to be polite. All I know is that I want him or to move on. You can reply to be polite but you must say something definitive at least that you are clueless about what you want & that you finally recognize that your indecisiveness is not fair to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 (edited) "This relationship isn't working for me anymore but I wish you the best of luck" would have sufficed. But I understand that you were confused by the nature of the relationship so you needed some space and time to clear your head. To Cookiesandough point - you are still unsure of which direction you want to go. Try to reconcile that first. 1 hour ago, JiltedJane said: i haven't replied. idk what to say and unsure if i want to talk to him. I'm not 100% sure if I'm okay. idk if i should reply to be polite. All I know is that I want him or to move on. Edited August 1, 2021 by Alpaca Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 If this relationship was ever going to work then it wouldn't be "on again, off again." And from his lukewarm behavior now, it's showing that he doesn't have particularly strong feelings for you. How long do you plan on staying on this merry-go-round? Yes, breaking it off for good is hard, but that doesn't mean that it's not the right decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted August 1, 2021 Author Share Posted August 1, 2021 6 hours ago, d0nnivain said: You can reply to be polite but you must say something definitive at least that you are clueless about what you want & that you finally recognize that your indecisiveness is not fair to him. I told him "hey im not ignoring you, my head is just all over the place. We'll talk eventually" and his reply was "ok i understand" I actually wrote something much longer and detailed days ago. But after reading it back to myself I decided not to send it. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 2, 2021 Share Posted August 2, 2021 Sounds like you're stringing him along. Do you think this is fair to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted August 2, 2021 Author Share Posted August 2, 2021 24 minutes ago, basil67 said: Sounds like you're stringing him along. Do you think this is fair to him? Check my other forums about him. I’m not trying to string him along. I just really need this time to myself. he’s been trying to “ figure himself out” for 9 months, and dragging me along with him. I need to remember what my life was like before he was in if, no matter how much it sucks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 2, 2021 Share Posted August 2, 2021 Are you considering changing your mind about having kids? If not, what will taking space achieve? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted August 2, 2021 Author Share Posted August 2, 2021 13 minutes ago, basil67 said: Are you considering changing your mind about having kids? If not, what will taking space achieve? I’m trying to get over him. I think. I’m not 100% sure. I just can’t live with this sadness and anxiety anymore 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2021 Share Posted August 2, 2021 You aren't trying to get over him. You want him to change his mind about having kids with you. This whole dynamic has been fraught with problems from the outset -- you were friends, you were FWB, you are secret from your co-workers but you get jealous when he goes out with others. You also don't want to break things off with him completely until you can monkey branch right into somebody else. When you do date others the subject of kids comes up waaaayyyyyy too early but I suppose as you get older you need to know sooner so you aren't wasting precious time you don't have. Somewhere in here you need to learn to be independent & decisive. You are neither 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 2, 2021 Share Posted August 2, 2021 4 hours ago, JiltedJane said: I’m trying to get over him. I think. I’m not 100% sure. I just can’t live with this sadness and anxiety anymore It maybe better to move on and heal once and for all. Why prolong all this misery? I understand being afraid and terrified of the future or moving out of the comfort of a safe space but take that leap and be at peace with yourself. At the end of all this you only answer to yourself - how you lived your life, how you’ve lived your version of a full life. It would be a good idea to look at the alternative to being miserable and confused. How do you picture that? What does that look like? Once you have that thought or vision, just go for it and be at peace. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 2, 2021 Share Posted August 2, 2021 6 hours ago, JiltedJane said: I’m trying to get over him. Taking space won't accomplish that. Definitively ending it will. You're still trying to get him to come around, it appears. Jane, it's not going to happen. Taking space here is a waste of time, and needlessly prolongs your anguish. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 2, 2021 Share Posted August 2, 2021 On 7/31/2021 at 3:39 PM, JiltedJane said: did not know how to convey them without sounding manic. . Years ago after my 5 yr relationship ended I reacted the same way and then weeks later lost my s*** out of no where. .I am going to see him and melt down, or have a nervous breakdown if i find out he has moved on to someone else. Are you seeing a physician for the depression and anxiety? That's a good place to start. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Donnas Posted August 2, 2021 Share Posted August 2, 2021 You said u need space, now u want him to chase you?Like what do you want????? And in the beginning its important that he chase you to get you. But once in a relationship its adult conversations that need to be keep going on. Like speak up let know what you want and dont want. Not so much chasing. If there is so much issues , maybe you guys are not that inlove anymore. It happens, and its best to accept it. And if you got issues in relationships once it gets a certain way, you can always get therapy and talk to someone about it. Seek help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 2, 2021 Share Posted August 2, 2021 10 hours ago, JiltedJane said: I need to remember what my life was like before he was in if, no matter how much it sucks 10 hours ago, JiltedJane said: I’m not 100% sure. I just can’t live with this sadness and anxiety anymore Which do you believe is the preferable alternative? Back and forth relationships have been linked to depression and anxiety symptoms. What is your apprehension about letting go? Everything you're doing right now is based on memories and your relationship with them. 13 months' worth, and your mental health is bearing the brunt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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