One year since I left my abusive ex

[butterfingerbbz]

I just need to vent this one out to the anonymity of the internet, maybe give me some perspective.

So it's been a year since I left my abusive ex. We were together for a year & a half, and about 2/3rds of that time was me dealing with her explosive moods, screaming and yelling, name calling, her throwing things, verbal and mental abuse. We eventually had no sex life because I never felt comfortable or safe with her. There is only so much name calling you can take before you're no longer physically attracted to your partner. I tried telling her how I felt but that only made things worse, which turned me off even more. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I finally got the strength to leave the moment she hit me. Up to that point I had put up with a lot from her, but that was the final straw. She hit me, I grabbed my stuff and left, and that was that. She tried contacting me several times after that begging to at least talk but I only responded once, saying I need some space. No closure, no "I'm sorry, but...." Just left everything hanging.

I moved out of state for the year, partly because of her and partly because of Covid. In that time I've made some huge advancements in my career which I should be very proud of, cleansed the soul with my friends who I barely got to see when we were together, and all around tried to get back to my old life.

I've recently moved back and settled into a new apartment in a different part of the city than which we lived. It just isn't the same. I feel very lonely, and find myself remembering all of the positives of our relationship. For all of those bad times, there were still plenty of good ones. I know that's a dangerous trap, though, because those bad times were horrible. Distance and time has a weird way of making you forget about how afraid you were of your abuser, or how you were always tired from a lack of sleep, etc.

It makes me mad, because I was here for a year and a half before I met her. During that time I was dating a lot, getting in shape, exploring the city, networking, and I was in such a positive place. Today it just feels boring and routine. There is no more excitement. A part of me feels that our relationship is responsible for that. Now I just feel alone in this big city.

I feel like I should be much more empowered and stronger today than I am, like I should be over all of this and looking towards the future. Again, there was no closure to the way things ended. I just left. Word has it she's in a new relationship now, which also makes me mad because here I am picking up the pieces from all of the abuse while she's suddenly "healthy" and "okay" to be dating again. If it took her so little time to get well, couldn't she have just done that while we were together, then maybe things could have worked out? 

Everything that happened between us still feels so fresh like it was just yesterday, and I really miss her. How can I get closure from this? Should I reach out to her?

Edited August 1, 2021 by butterfingerbbz

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, butterfingerbbz said:

here I am picking up the pieces from all of the abuse while she's suddenly "healthy" and "okay" to be dating again.

What makes you think she is healthy and okay?

Abusers don't generally change their tune just because they change their partner.  She is more than likely behaving the same way with her current boyfriend that she did with you. So while she might not be lamenting your relationship, I can nearly guarantee you that someone as volatile and unstable as she is ain't living a happy and functional life. People like this tend to create dysfunction and chaos wherever they go, because that is who they are - dysfunctional and chaotic. 

I dated a guy like this for a little while. Very erratic, prone to outburtst and rage, and just a general dumpster fire all around. Yes, there were good moments. There always are. But the bad moments, of which there were many? Turned me right off. I left, and that was my "closure." I didn't want to hear from him anymore. It's been several years now and he occasionally tried to contact me via avenues I'd forgotten to block him from, but I never responded (blocked him from those too)  As luck would have it, I am friends with someone who knows his now-wife. And guess what? She has mentioned in passing that their marriage is a disaster, for precisely the same reasons our former relationship was. I've never asked about him or how he's doing, but off-the-cuff comments are enough for me to conclude that he has not changed a bit. 

So while I can understand that you are struggling, keep in mind that she is no longer your headache to deal with. She is some other dude's problem now. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, butterfingerbbz said:

 me dealing with her explosive moods, screaming and yelling, name calling, her throwing things, verbal and mental abuse. We eventually had no sex life I really miss her. Should I reach out to her?

This isn't about her. This is about your own loneliness and depression.

You seem to miss the idea of a relationship but certainly you don't miss the abuse, right?

Try not to confuse intensity (like this crazy drama you described) with intimacy (which you crave but was non-existent).

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get evaluated by a physician for the moods and anxiety and get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

If you feel up to it, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting (normal) women.

[butterfingerbbz]

I think what I'm struggling with mostly is trying to understand how much of the abuse was due to her untreated medical condition and how much of it was inevitable as a result of her personality. I don't know where that border lies, if there even is one. She has a neurological disorder which she wasn't medicating at the time, and it felt like she was dumping all of the pressure of her health onto me, that being to create a safe space to keep her well. It felt like everything had to be "just so" to prevent her from having an outburst. After I left, she wrote to me admitting that she hit rock bottom and needed to get help. Knowing her, I believe her, but I never responded. It leaves me wondering if things could have worked out if she was only treating herself. At the time I felt like I was in a burning building and was desperate for an exit, but now that I'm so far removed I can't help but wonder if she may actually be medicating herself and is more mentally stable in her new relationship, which makes me feel bad because I had to be dragged through the mud in order for her to get there.

I feel like I have a lot of unanswered questions which are holding me back, mostly having to do with the "woulda, coulda, shoulda's," because everything was left so open ended. Even though it was a year ago it all still feels so fresh. My therapist and I talk about this at great length, but I don't feel like I'm improving at all.

Edited August 2, 2021 by butterfingerbbz

[Benji1991]

1 hour ago, butterfingerbbz said:

I think what I'm struggling with mostly is trying to understand how much of the abuse was due to her untreated medical condition and how much of it was inevitable as a result of her personality. I don't know where that border lies, if there even is one. She has a neurological disorder which she wasn't medicating at the time, and it felt like she was dumping all of the pressure of her health onto me, that being to create a safe space to keep her well. It felt like everything had to be "just so" to prevent her from having an outburst. After I left, she wrote to me admitting that she hit rock bottom and needed to get help. Knowing her, I believe her, but I never responded. It leaves me wondering if things could have worked out if she was only treating herself. At the time I felt like I was in a burning building and was desperate for an exit, but now that I'm so far removed I can't help but wonder if she may actually be medicating herself and is more mentally stable in her new relationship, which makes me feel bad because I had to be dragged through the mud in order for her to get there.

I feel like I have a lot of unanswered questions which are holding me back, mostly having to do with the "woulda, coulda, shoulda's," because everything was left so open ended. Even though it was a year ago it all still feels so fresh. My therapist and I talk about this at great length, but I don't feel like I'm improving at all.

there is a very real possibility that the person you fell in love with actually has the capacity to become the partner you wish they were with you, and go on to live a happy and fulfilled life, what you do with that is yours to decide as your the one who ended the relationship. 

[Donnas]

No one forget they been true abuse.

But u sure can heal from it.

Did you do some healing, get a therapist etc? Work on your self esteem.

Before jumping in something new.

Maybe its time for u to think what u really want .

And socialize. Dont sit hoping wishing. She sure will get her punishment in life.

Remember how you were before meeting her and go do you.

 Dont ever go back. Plan your weeks.And days. With stuff that you like. Hobbys. Friends family, You can also do charitys.

[spiderowl]

The problem with being with abusers, apart from the abuse, is that there are good times too.  It's the 'good' aspects of the relationship that you are pining for, not the abuse.  

I doubt that in medicating a neurological condition she is changing her basic temperament.  Obviously, we don't know what that condition was but some neurological conditions can change personality and can do so as they progress.  She may actually get worse not better, even if medicated.

What are your unanswered questions?

I would not advise trying to reconcile with her.  What could possibly have changed, apart from medication?  Medication is not usually a cure for personality problems.  Of course she is going to say she has changed, that she was in a bad place at the time, blah.  Don't fall for all these classic excuses.

While you have moved back into the same city and it is bringing back memories, that does not mean that you will not forge a better life there once your social life has improved.  The pandemic has restricted so many people so it will take time to build up a good social life.  It would be better to take small steps towards doing that than convincing yourself your ex is better now.

Edited August 5, 2021 by spiderowl

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/2/2021 at 5:59 PM, butterfingerbbz said:

My therapist and I talk about this at great length, but I don't feel like I'm improving at all.

What sort of coping strategies has your therapist recommended? 

Have you tried meeting other women yet? It could be that loneliness is steering your ship here, and amplifying your nostalgic feelings that would otherwise not be such an issue. I am not suggesting that you date before you feel ready, but it could be an idea to start connecting more with other people so you're not so thirsty for the past, if you catch my drift.