I'm struggling to get over her, what can I do?

[sunshine12345]

It’s been a few months since the breakup and I’m really struggling to forget her, it’s effecting my mental health. I feel that it’s something I’ve done or said that could have initially sparked off the break off.

We haven’t spoken since and I have just recently discovered she’s blocked me on WhatsApp, thinking she might have still  wanted to stay as friends hence I had left door opened for her to get in touch at her free will.

Here is some background of the whole relationship and what could have  happened.

So We met last year in December on POF. Her dating profile said she was looking for a relationship, which I thought was great! We were dating for roughly 5 months and broke up in the May.

This whole thing started off when we was making love in the morning. She said she couldn’t climax and I said to her “I don’t think I do it for you anymore do I?” There was a long pause, and I said to her what’s up? She said you’ve just took me by surprise. 

The reason I had said this is because I had lost confidence in sex! I’ve been on anti-depressants a while and it sometimes has effected my libido! 

Anyway, during the course of that day we went out for the day to the beach. I thought we was having a good time together. On our way back she organised a meeting with a friend and I offered to drop her and  her friend off  at a cafe on the beach before I headed home.

Things then really started to go quiet with her. Days past and she made no effort to message me. I just think the whole thing was very unusual! 

Weeks before the break up, I had asked her if she was happy in the relationship and she said yes! 

I thought nothing else of it and continued as normal. I even told her I was falling for her when we went on a walk together and she also said she felt the same! 

Also what I found a bit strange is that she would get texts and calls from a guy she used to date but they remained friends but she would never answer the phone to him when I was around. 

We also booked a weekend away together weeks before the break up had happened and I had  then asked her whether she was still going or whether she would cancel so we could get part refund. She said she will let me know. I never heard from her so I contacted the holiday place and found out she checked in! I was so angry I called my bank for a charge back as I had transferred my half of the money into her account. She obviously found out i did that as she got a call from her bank. She wasn’t happy and I dropped the case. Till this day I’ve not had my money back!

She lost her husband about a year ago due to him taking his own life. From what she was telling me, they were in the process of a divorce and she also said she had an affair as the relationship had broken down with him drinking and taking drugs. She was under going counselling for this whilst I met her. 

She is also in process of going through an adoption process and I didn’t know this until a couple of months into the relationship.

I really thought the relationship was going well. I would do things for her around her house by doing the odd DIY, gardening, cooking etc. I would help her out as best as I could as that was part of what you do in relationships. I just feel rejected the way she’s cut me off.

 

 

 

[glows]

She has things to sort out. The best thing for you to do for yourself is to acknowledge the hurt, disappointment and feelings of rejection that the relationship didn’t work out. There were so many red flags already with her from her personal issues/loss of a loved one or person close to her and her transition to single life after death/divorce and a pending adoption process - what did you possibly hope to come out of this? I ask genuinely and in hopes you’ll rethink the situation completely. Your expectations were too high. 

Write off the loss from the trip. You are feeling low and weren’t up for a fight which I understand. If anything you’ve seen her true colours also and she’s not a fair or gracious person. 

Take all this with a pinch of salt and step back, breathe, you’ll get through this. 

[sunshine12345]

1 hour ago, glows said:

She has things to sort out. The best thing for you to do for yourself is to acknowledge the hurt, disappointment and feelings of rejection that the relationship didn’t work out. There were so many red flags already with her from her personal issues/loss of a loved one or person close to her and her transition to single life after death/divorce and a pending adoption process - what did you possibly hope to come out of this? I ask genuinely and in hopes you’ll rethink the situation completely. Your expectations were too high. 

Write off the loss from the trip. You are feeling low and weren’t up for a fight which I understand. If anything you’ve seen her true colours also and she’s not a fair or gracious person. 

Take all this with a pinch of salt and step back, breathe, you’ll get through this. 

Thank you for your feedback. Very much appreciated.

I wish I had seen the red flags sooner, but when your so caught up in a new relationship, you try and focus your efforts on pleasing and making that person happy! 

I do wear my heart on my sleeve too much..and I guess I was trying to be there for her.  

We all want to find happiness and that soul mate to make memories and to conquer what life throws at you. I really hope I do find happiness one day! 

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, there were  a lot of red flags here, OP.

Everything from dealing with the loss of her husband to a guy calling her a lot to her previous history of cheating. This woman is all over the map and was not a solid relationship candidate.

I think you actually hit the nail right on the head when you asked if you don't do it for her anymore. She realized then that it had fizzled out for her. The way she handled it thereafter was in very poor form. 

You didn't lose much here, if I'm being blunt. Be more careful next time about pleasing someone and trying to make someone happy at the expense of your own good judgment. 

[beentheredonethat77]

Having lost her ex to suicide (regardless of if she was mid-divorce... had an affair etc)  no doubt the marriage was difficult if her late husband dealt with such severe mental illness.  Mid-divorce or not -  She was married to him, so at some point she loved and committed to this man -- suicide is beyond heart-breaking and traumatic for any of those affected by it..  Assuming shes not sociopathic.. the feelings of guilt and regret, grief may be brewing under the surface constantly.. if not bubbling over and all-consuming.  She needs space and a lot of time to heal...  Perhaps the idea of dating someone needing anti-depressants also scared her (as common as they are nowadays) -- who knows.. but. I think you move on and not any of this personally.   

Edited August 1, 2021 by beentheredonethat77

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, sunshine12345 said:

I wish I had seen the red flags sooner.

Yes. So many red flags . You dodged a bullet.

Reflect and regroup. Take care of your mental health and avoid broken-down people like this.

Try not to seek validation from someone this unscrupulous and messed up.

Trust your instincts. All along you were questioning her interest.

That was your logic telling you that something was off about this.

[d0nnivain]

Whatever was going on with her is on her.  Your issue is that you have underlying depression & are getting treatment which includes medication.  Good or you for taking care of your health.  Are you also getting talk therapy?  Meds alone don't fix depression.  You have to do the work to address the feelings.  

There are some things you can do to help yourself / to self soothe & move forward. 

NC is a good start.  You have to accept that the relationship is over. 

Purge your life of the trinkets, mementos & photos.  If you can't bring yourself to throw them out, box 'em all up.  Put the photos on a thumb drive & toss that in.  Tape the box shut & stuff it in the attic or a deep closet. 

Make some changes.  Get a hair cut.  Buy some new clothes.  Redecorate your living space or at least rearrange the furniture.  Make it different from when she was there so you don't see her in the space in your mind's eye.  Take up a new hobby or rediscover an old one to keep yourself busy.  

Self care.  Journal.  Exercise.  Hang with supportive friends & family.  

 

[sunshine12345]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Whatever was going on with her is on her.  Your issue is that you have underlying depression & are getting treatment which includes medication.  Good or you for taking care of your health.  Are you also getting talk therapy?  Meds alone don't fix depression.  You have to do the work to address the feelings.  

There are some things you can do to help yourself / to self soothe & move forward. 

NC is a good start.  You have to accept that the relationship is over. 

Purge your life of the trinkets, mementos & photos.  If you can't bring yourself to throw them out, box 'em all up.  Put the photos on a thumb drive & toss that in.  Tape the box shut & stuff it in the attic or a deep closet. 

Make some changes.  Get a hair cut.  Buy some new clothes.  Redecorate your living space or at least rearrange the furniture.  Make it different from when she was there so you don't see her in the space in your mind's eye.  Take up a new hobby or rediscover an old one to keep yourself busy.  

Self care.  Journal.  Exercise.  Hang with supportive friends & family.  

 

Thank you for your reply. I am trying to keep myself busy. I am cycling more and my fitness levels have increased. With the continuation of  this and eventually getting myself back into weight training… my mind, I hope will turn out to be more positive. 

[glows]

11 hours ago, sunshine12345 said:

Thank you for your feedback. Very much appreciated.

I wish I had seen the red flags sooner, but when your so caught up in a new relationship, you try and focus your efforts on pleasing and making that person happy! 

I do wear my heart on my sleeve too much..and I guess I was trying to be there for her.  

We all want to find happiness and that soul mate to make memories and to conquer what life throws at you. I really hope I do find happiness one day! 

I don’t believe in a soulmate. Prefer being soulfree. Find your happiness anyway with or without anyone. If someone comes your way with similar values or outlook you can travel or journey in parallel paths.