Questions to all guys: not enough sex, texting other women in tinder while in relationship?

[leeali]

Questions to all guys:  I found out my boyfriend has been texting various women on tinder while we are in monogamous relationship for 6 months.  We don’t live together and has not engaged.  We do have sex properly once a week on average.  Before we turned the relationship officially, I made it very clear I would not take any kind of cheating including flirting / texting  other women .  My goal of dating is to find a man who would build a healthy family with me.   I confronted with him last night after I saw his texts to other women.  and he said he is insecure about the relationship so he has keeping tinder on his phone.  Also he said he doesn’t have enough friends and would like to make some friends.  He found it is easier for him to make friends with women. He always complains about not enough sex . He said it is worried about sexless marriage and incompatibility that would lead to divorce.  We are both 41 .  We met on tinder.  The reason I would have sex with him because I love him.  To him. Having sex is fun and it is just an activity/ horrible. He also has iffy to have baby with me because of my psoriasis ( please not my psoriasis is not severe).  I called to take a break from the relationship because our love value is so different.  I also said to him I would be never satisfied his sexual desires[note: it is what my ex bf told me when we were together].   He asked me to keep trying to have more sex with him and make him full and satisfied.  He said he cannot think about his future when he is horny.  It is like someone walking in a desert for hours without water.  My point is when we are true In love and have trust and secure.  Sex will come along naturally.  I took all my belongings and left his condo last night.  He cried a lot when he was taking me to parking lot.  He also said “I am an a**h***. “.   He did treat me well and spent a lot of time with me.  He gave me a lot of happy memories.  I am very thankful that god sent him to my life.  Kev, I love you! I wish u all the best

[glows]

It sounds like you’re healing after breaking up with a real piece of work. You did the right thing. Love takes time and patience, and a great deal of understanding and compatibility. This man was just a jerk who took advantage of you and emotionally cheated on you or physically cheated on you. He was so cowardly he had you break up with him. 

The only advice you need, IMO, is the encouragement to keep that chapter closed and move on with your precious life. Also, see your doctor and have yourself tested for any STDs. Take care of yourself.

Edited August 2, 2021 by glows

[Happy Lemming]

10 minutes ago, leeali said:

...and he said he is insecure about the relationship so he has keeping tinder on his phone. 

He was fishing for your replacement.  As soon as he found someone (more sexually compatible), he was going to dump you.

I've been told it's called "monkey branching". 

[leeali]

18 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

He was fishing for your replacement.  As soon as he found someone (more sexually compatible), he was going to dump you.

I've been told it's called "monkey branching". 

Edited August 2, 2021 by leeali
Typo

[d0nnivain]

If he was still on tinder talking to other women there were big problems in your relationship.  It's best that you end things because he wasn't all in.  

If he wants friends he should have done something more conventional like joined a club or befriended the SOs of your GFs.  No he was flirting & stroking his ego.  

Going forward understand something about how men & women are wired differently.  Women need to feel loved to have sex.  Men need to have sex to feel loved.  The cliché about keeping a man's belly full & his balls empty has a ring of truth to it.  Sex once per week sounds more like a chore then a healthy fulfilling robust sex life.  However, if that is your preferred pace you best find somebody whose drive matches yours.  

Edited August 2, 2021 by d0nnivain

[leeali]

@Happy Lemming, could you tell me what I did wrong? Is my belief wrong?  Do all women have to sexually satisfied their guys to keep them around?  Is it my fault that I cannot change for him to meet his sexual desire?

[ExpatInItaly]

40 minutes ago, leeali said:

He did treat me well

Actually, he didn't. You just didn't know that until you found Tinder on his phone. 

He's disrespected you the entire time. It is not your fault he cheated. 

[leeali]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Actually, he didn't. You just didn't know that until you found Tinder on his phone. 

He's disrespected you the entire time. It is not your fault he cheated. 

We both met on tinder.  He was the one decide to have exclusive  relationship.  On Valentine’s Day, he bought me flower and kissed me.  He would go to any places that I like to visit.   I don’t want to force him to delete the tinder app on his phone.  The reason I still have tinder on my phone because I was hoping him to take the initiative to request to stay away the online dating.  Ever since our relationship has become official, I did not message any guys on tinder as I have zero interest in having multiple relationships.  I prefer keeping my life simple.  I feel disgusting to flirt / text with other guys while I have serious relationship. Also I care about hai feeling.  He knows I am not type of woman who would give myself easily.   It took me around three or four months before we start having intercourse sex because I want to take things slow.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, leeali said:

 He was the one decide to have exclusive  relationship.  On Valentine’s Day, he bought me flower and kissed me.  He would go to any places that I like to visit.  

....and yet, he's chatting up other women on Tinder. All of the above is meaningless in light of his real character. 

Sorry OP, but this man is absolutely shady and had you fooled. He's not a good guy. 

[central]

You're not compatible sexually.  His Tinder activity is wrong, and he should have just broken up with you.  Now you should break up with him if you meant what you told him about potential cheating.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, leeali said:

@Happy Lemming, could you tell me what I did wrong? Is my belief wrong?  Do all women have to sexually satisfied their guys to keep them around?  Is it my fault that I cannot change for him to meet his sexual desire?

I can't speak for Happy Lemming, but you are who you are. Rather than thinking about what you did wrong - consider what you did RIGHT. You found what seemed like a good potential partner, dated him, discovered some significant issues/incompatibilities, and are now breaking it off.

While you may feel sad, there's no reason to "beat yourself up" overmuch. I think it's likely that the vast majority of dating relationships go exactly like this, until you find someone who IS compatible. People sometimes spend 2-3 years or more in a relationship before recognizing/conceding they are fundamentally incompatible, so you are actually doing the right thing here (much as it may hurt) by moving on now.

In terms of sexual satisfaction, I believe it's important LT that BOTH partners' needs be met to a reasonable extent. If you are a lower-drive woman, it may make sense for you to seek a lower-drive man who will be happy with your frequency. "Duty sex" can indeed save some relationships, but if you absolutely hate duty sex, there's little point in trying to go that route as it wouldn't be fair to you.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, leeali said:

@Happy Lemming, could you tell me what I did wrong? Is my belief wrong?  Do all women have to sexually satisfied their guys to keep them around?  Is it my fault that I cannot change for him to meet his sexual desire?

Thinking back to when I was 41, yes I had sex either every day or every other day (at the least).  Once a week would not of cut it (for me) and I would have been looking for someone else.

So to answer your questions...  Yes, (In my opinion) you have sexually satisfy your man or else he is going to find someone who will. 

Years ago, I was dating a woman that had a much lower sex drive than I did.  (Probably similar to you - once a week would have made her happy)  That being said... She never refused me sex anytime I asked for it.  We'd have a "quickie" or "cold pizza sex", but she would make sure she took care of me whenever I needed it.  This woman liked me and wanted to keep the relationship positive for me, so even if she wasn't in the mood, she still took care of my needs.

 

[LauraXX]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

Thinking back to when I was 41, yes I had sex either every day or every other day (at the least).  Once a week would not of cut it (for me) and I would have been looking for someone else.

So to answer your questions...  Yes, (In my opinion) you have sexually satisfy your man or else he is going to find someone who will. 

Years ago, I was dating a woman that had a much lower sex drive than I did.  (Probably similar to you - once a week would have made her happy)  That being said... She never refused me sex anytime I asked for it.  We'd have a "quickie" or "cold pizza sex", but she would make sure she took care of me whenever I needed it.  This woman liked me and wanted to keep the relationship positive for me, so even if she wasn't in the mood, she still took care of my needs.

 

And you enjoyed having sex with somebody who wasn’t in the mood and did it to make the „relationship positive for you“? 

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, LauraXX said:

And you enjoyed having sex with somebody who wasn’t in the mood and did it to make the „relationship positive for you“? 

Yes... I'm OK with a "quickie" or "cold pizza sex" or "duty sex" or whatever term you want you wish to use.

Yes... My sex drive was satisfied so the relationship was positive for me.

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yes... I'm OK with a "quickie" or "cold pizza sex" or "duty sex" or whatever term you want you wish to use.

Yes... My sex drive was satisfied so the relationship was positive for me.

How positive an experience, was it for her though?
Six days a week...

[stillafool]

I think for most women if they are sexually compatible with their partner they want sex on a regular basis.  When you're not compatible sex can seem like a chore.

[central]

If there is a significant mismatch in sex drives, one person will always be frustrated, and the other annoyed at being asked.  This is not good for a relationship, so it is best to split up and find someone more sexually compatible.  Neither of you would be wrong for wanting what makes them happy.  It's only wrong to cheat.

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, central said:

If there is a significant mismatch in sex drives, one person will always be frustrated, and the other annoyed at being asked.  This is not good for a relationship, so it is best to split up and find someone more sexually compatible.  Neither of you would be wrong for wanting what makes them happy.  It's only wrong to cheat.

Best answer.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, leeali said:

He also said “I am an a**h***. “.  

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. The only insight and truth he told you was that he is indeed "an a**h***".

Next time observe the first few months if someone is the type of person you would want to be with. This man treated you horribly.

[elaine567]

Yes it could be the once a week sex, btw how did that evolve?
Was he always asking for sex and you were turning him down or was there just little activity in the sex dept?

Of course he could be one of these guys who can never really be loyal to one woman for any length of time...

[Happy Lemming]

12 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

How positive an experience, was it for her though?
Six days a week...

She felt she could do something that made me happy/satisfied and that made her happy to see me happy/satisfied.  If I could do something that brought her the same amount of joy and she asked me to do it... I would.

[Cookiesandough]

Why can only men answer this. If guys aren’t getting enough sex it causes all kinds of issues/resentment in rships. Excuse to leave and find someone more compatible perhaps. Not cheat 

[Amanda92]

4 hours ago, leeali said:

@Happy Lemming, could you tell me what I did wrong? Is my belief wrong?  Do all women have to sexually satisfied their guys to keep them around?  Is it my fault that I cannot change for him to meet his sexual desire?

You didn't wrong. You have just different needs. No woman should do it just for men, but there are many women that just like it and he should look for a woman like this and you should look for a man that doesn't need to do it often. 

[Amanda92]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I think for most women if they are sexually compatible with their partner they want sex on a regular basis.  When you're not compatible sex can seem like a chore.

Exactly! If you feel that this is a chore, he is not the one.

[Cookiesandough]

Some people just have lower sex drives than others too. Some of my bf’s wanted sex all the time and even if I’m into someone a lot I don’t want to have sex 2+ times a day every single day  sorry