Questions to all guys: not enough sex, texting other women in tinder while in relationship?

[leeali]

5 hours ago, glows said:

It sounds like you’re healing after breaking up with a real piece of work. You did the right thing. Love takes time and patience, and a great deal of understanding and compatibility. This man was just a jerk who took advantage of you and emotionally cheated on you or physically cheated on you. He was so cowardly he had you break up with him. 

The only advice you need, IMO, is the encouragement to keep that chapter closed and move on with your precious life. Also, see your doctor and have yourself tested for any STDs. Take care of yourself.

I believe that he has not met those women in person. He thinks texting/ talking to other women on my back  is harmless.  To me it is a different form of cheating.  I also emphasized to him there must be something I don’t have so that he continues texting other women as backburner.

[leeali]

3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Thinking back to when I was 41, yes I had sex either every day or every other day (at the least).  Once a week would not of cut it (for me) and I would have been looking for someone else.

So to answer your questions...  Yes, (In my opinion) you have sexually satisfy your man or else he is going to find someone who will. 

Years ago, I was dating a woman that had a much lower sex drive than I did.  (Probably similar to you - once a week would have made her happy)  That being said... She never refused me sex anytime I asked for it.  We'd have a "quickie" or "cold pizza sex", but she would make sure she took care of me whenever I needed it.  This woman liked me and wanted to keep the relationship positive for me, so even if she wasn't in the mood, she still took care of my needs.

 

Did you marry the woman ? 

We had a long chat last night.   He told me he is slow to open up his emotions to women as he got hurt before.  He believes that texting other women is his defensive mechanism.  He said all women should do whatever the men wants (sexually) to prove they are keepers.   he told me his ex gfs would let him to f*** them whenever he wanted.  But he did not marry them 1) his ex gfs have bad temper   2) one of his gfs felt pain during intercourse.  Etc etc.  

To me, I do enjoy having sex with him but I would let my guys access me without respect.     I knew he would come up other excuses for not moving the relationship forward even we have a lot a lot of sex.  Also I am not here to fix guy’s problems.  I want to see him as a man. So I do not accept all his excuses.  I would look down myself if I would change myself to satisfying him.  I have done it before and I fell very hard to learn to love myself.  Furthermore, women would have more sex with their own guys if their guys know how to treat them well with respect.  The last thing I advised him to visit his parents in BC as they have not met up for almost two years.  
 

I wish he would learn to love his woman before he can get what he wants.  I love him but I have learnt to love myself even more.  I told him I deserve a man who would only focus on me and provide me the kind of love I want.  He said he want a gf/wife who can satisfy his sexual desire.  I said it is easy to find this kind of women to only satisfy his sexual desire.
 

 

[leeali]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

If he was still on tinder talking to other women there were big problems in your relationship.  It's best that you end things because he wasn't all in.  

If he wants friends he should have done something more conventional like joined a club or befriended the SOs of your GFs.  No he was flirting & stroking his ego.  

Going forward understand something about how men & women are wired differently.  Women need to feel loved to have sex.  Men need to have sex to feel loved.  The cliché about keeping a man's belly full & his balls empty has a ring of truth to it.  Sex once per week sounds more like a chore then a healthy fulfilling robust sex life.  However, if that is your preferred pace you best find somebody whose drive matches yours.  

It is exactly what I said to him to find real friends but tinder 

[glows]

6 minutes ago, leeali said:

Did you marry the woman ? 

We had a long chat last night.   He told me he is slow to open up his emotions to women as he got hurt before.  He believes that texting other women is his defensive mechanism.  He said all women should do whatever the men wants (sexually) to prove they are keepers.   he told me his ex gfs would let him to f*** them whenever he wanted.  But he did not marry them 1) his ex gfs have bad temper   2) one of his gfs felt pain during intercourse.  Etc etc.  

To me, I do enjoy having sex with him but I would let my guys access me without respect.     I knew he would come up other excuses for not moving the relationship forward even we have a lot a lot of sex.  Also I am not here to fix guy’s problems.  I want to see him as a man. So I do not accept all his excuses.  I would look down myself if I would change myself to satisfying him.  I have done it before and I fell very hard to learn to love myself.  Furthermore, women would have more sex with their own guys if their guys know how to treat them well with respect.  The last thing I advised him to visit his parents in BC as they have not met up for almost two years.  
 

I wish he would learn to love his woman before he can get what he wants.  I love him but I have learnt to love myself even more.  I told him I deserve a man who would only focus on me and provide me the kind of love I want.  He said he want a gf/wife who can satisfy his sexual desire.  I said it is easy to find this kind of women to only satisfy his sexual desire.
 

 

I think he has a chip on his shoulder about sexual gratification. If a woman isn’t doing it for you, respectfully break up due to incompatibility and move on in peace. Why make such demands and dissolve what’s left or what’s good and ruin the other memories? Both of you deserve to live in respect and with the love and support and even sexual chemistry of a partner who is more compatible. There’s just no need talk to other women behind your back. 

I think you should also keep in mind some people do this just for the adrenaline kick(hitting up or chatting with others on the side to make things more exciting). 

[mark clemson]

Yeah, in your shoes I wouldn't buy the excuses for texting/meeting other women. If he wants to do this there can always be some excuse. But if he's really fully happy with you why would he need to see someone else, too. It could be the sex, it could be he's only seeing you until he finds someone he likes better, it could be he's simply not ready for a monogamous relationship.

I think you are wise to not let this continue. You and he seem to be incompatible and what you really want (a monogamous relationship on your terms) seems to not mesh well with what he wants (either very frequent sex or the ability to date others, possibly both).

Time to walk away, IMO.

[leeali]

21 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Yeah, in your shoes I wouldn't buy the excuses for texting/meeting other women. If he wants to do this there can always be some excuse. But if he's really fully happy with you why would he need to see someone else, too. It could be the sex, it could be he's only seeing you until he finds someone he likes better, it could be he's simply not ready for a monogamous relationship.

I think you are wise to not let this continue. You and he seem to be incompatible and what you really want (a monogamous relationship on your terms) seems to not mesh well with what he wants (either very frequent sex or the ability to date others, possibly both).

Time to walk away, IMO.

It is not my job to help him to figure out what he wants in his life.  We both 41.  We can resolve sleeping issues by buying bigger size of bed and I just wear earplugs.  We can hire helpers to tidy up our living environment if he doesn’t like cleaning.  Even I would be more than happy to support in to quit vaping if he is ready.  But flirting with other women on my back and think it is harmless.  It shows that I am not enough even I did all the commute to visit him every weekend.  I did my part to contribute the relationship .  I would tell him in advance before hanging out with my guys’ friends for badminton.  I would not flirt with others behind his back because no one likes it.  He knew I would not do it.  he would not check my phone even I am allowed him.  Now I understand why he would never check my phone.
 

He has crossed my boundaries.  

[leeali]

Questions to all guys:

1) would guys ever get satisfied in sex?

2) is looking for sexual compatibility more than important anything else to guys?

3) are women with psoriasis don’t serve having a family and babies?   
   I have been trying my best to control the psoriasis by doing healthy lifestyle and diet.  I can never 100% clear psoriasis.  Does it mean I don’t deserve a man to love me?

4) how long do guys take to decide to have future with a woman?

5) do you expect women would satisfy sexually in order to prove they are keepers?

Edited August 3, 2021 by leeali

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, leeali said:

Did you marry the woman ? 

No, I've never been married and won't get married.

 

[Happy Lemming]

21 minutes ago, leeali said:

Questions to all guys:

1) would guys ever get satisfied in sex?

2) is looking for sexual compatibility more than important anything else to guys?

3) are women with psoriasis don’t serve having a family and babies?   
   I have been trying my best to control the psoriasis by doing healthy lifestyle and diet.  I can never 100% clear psoriasis.  Does it mean I don’t deserve a man to love me?

4) how long do guys take to decide to have future with a woman?

5) do you expect women would satisfy sexually in order to prove they are keepers?

I can't answer for ALL guys, but I'll give you my answers.

(1) Yes... I've dated quite a few women with which I was sexually compatible.

(2) For me, yes... but there are other factors in deciding if I want to stay with a woman long term or not. Like most men I have a list of deal breakers.

(3) I don't know what psoriasis is, nor have I dated someone with psoriasis, so I can't answer that.  As far as children, I don't want children.

(4) I've been with my current girlfriend for 9.5 years.  I don't know if there was a concrete day or event where we decided to stay together this long.  That being said... We are not married and if she decides she no longer wants me in her world, she can dump me and vice versa. 

(5) If my present girlfriend did not sexually satisfy me, I'd move on... immediately.

***NOTE*** I need to add that I may not be the right demographic to gather information from.  My current girlfriend and I are older (AARP) crowd.  When we met... children would not have been in the equation, that ship had sailed.  Also she went through a tough divorce a while back (before we met) and never wanted to get re-married, which fit with my desires to never to get married.

In the end... we are happy together.

And I'm sure somewhere out there is your long term partner that will bring you the same happiness.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, leeali said:

Questions to all guys:

Leeali, surely you realize that not all guys think the same. 

You are going to get a mixed bag of responses. You deserve love, and yes, plenty of men are capable of being sexually satisfied in monogamous relaitonships. Unfortunately, the guy you found in this case was not one of them. 

This has zero to do with your psoriasis. 

Edited August 3, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, leeali said:

.  He believes that texting other women is his defensive mechanism.  He said all women should do whatever the men wants (sexually) to prove they are keepers.   

Hopefully you deleted and blocked him from all your social media and messaging apps after hearing nonsense like this.

[Fletch Lives]

This the relationship rule:

Give your partner sex and affection whenever they want it.

If this is too much for you, you don't deserve a relationship.

[Blind-Sided]

11 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

No, I've never been married and won't get married.

Smart man. LOL.  I guess I fell into an opposite relationship in most people's view.  Young girl who will have sex as often as I want (she probably wants it more)  and was already divorced, so she isn't pushing to be married again. 

OP... regardless of whatever your BF may tell you... he is a cheater. And since you have only been together for 6 months... it's time to just tell him to go to one of these other girls, and stop wasting time with him. You are in your 40's, and you are looking for a long term relationship with someone you can trust.  He VERY obviously is not that person.

I wish you happiness in moving forward. 

[Cookiesandough]

11 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

 

(5) If my present girlfriend did not sexually satisfy me, I'd move on... immediately.

*

Ah, love… 

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said:

This the relationship rule:

Give your partner sex and affection whenever they want it.

If this is too much for you, you don't deserve a relationship.

Xxxxxx

Edited August 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to give somebody sex whenever they desire it.  You are allowed to say no but your answer should be yes a lot more than no.  Sexual compatibility is very important.  I understand psoriasis can look awful; it must feel different than smooth skin too but if you are working to keep it under control, it shouldn't become a deal breaker.  

Bottom line is this guy crossed your boundaries when it comes to the Tinder thing.  Be done with him & date a man who has sense in his head.  

 

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Ah, love… 

At dinner last night, I was talking to my girlfriend about this thread/subject.  I asked her if she minded "cold pizza sex" or "duty sex', her answer was "no".  She told me that we each do things to make the other person happy/content and that this was something she could do for me.

She then reminded me about an incident a few days ago.  Her "sweet tooth" was in high gear and she wanted some candy.  When she asked me, I turned off the movie (I was watching) and immediately got to work making her some home made Chocolate Peanut Butter rolls.

I know its not a fair comparison, but it was one example that just popped into her head (because it was recent).  No one is keeping score, you do this and I'll do that... It's just the nature of our relationship where we do things to make the other happy/content.

[leeali]

18 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

At dinner last night, I was talking to my girlfriend about this thread/subject.  I asked her if she minded "cold pizza sex" or "duty sex', her answer was "no".  She told me that we each do things to make the other person happy/content and that this was something she could do for me.

She then reminded me about an incident a few days ago.  Her "sweet tooth" was in high gear and she wanted some candy.  When she asked me, I turned off the movie (I was watching) and immediately got to work making her some home made Chocolate Peanut Butter rolls.

I know its not a fair comparison, but it was one example that just popped into her head (because it was recent).  No one is keeping score, you do this and I'll do that... It's just the nature of our relationship where we do things to make the other happy/content.

I understand your point. It is actually a good comparison.  He wants sex to feel happy. I want a healthy stable family.   He wants unlimited without offering what I want/ deserve.  He had a 1.5 yr relationship.  They had great sex.  He would stick around with his ex gf even she had bad tamper until she forced him to get married or breakup.  He chose to break up with her even though they had great sex.  Do you understand my point?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, leeali said:

 He would stick around with his ex gf even she had bad tamper until she forced him to get married or breakup.  He chose to break up with her even though they had great sex.

Or maybe she caught him doing exactly the same thing he was doing with you - sneaking around behind your back. 

You should not be so quick to assume this sketchy, dishonest man is telling you the truth about how his past relationships went.

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, leeali said:

I understand your point. It is actually a good comparison.  He wants sex to feel happy. I want a healthy stable family.   He wants unlimited without offering what I want/ deserve.  He had a 1.5 yr relationship.  They had great sex.  He would stick around with his ex gf even she had bad tamper until she forced him to get married or breakup.  He chose to break up with her even though they had great sex.  Do you understand my point?

This gentleman may never want to get married nor have a family. Nothing to do with you or the ex... he may not be the "marrying type". 

I had a male friend that went through a divorce and vowed to never marry again.  Men may have different reasons for avoiding marriage.

If this ex-girlfriend forced the issue of marriage, I can see him leaving, as the same thing happened to me (in my youth).  A woman I had been dating about 2 years gave me an ultimatum to marry her or leave... I left. 

At 41, this guy may have analyzed the benefits vs. the risks of marriage and decided against it.  For me, I flipped a lot of "high risk" real estate projects that could have easily caused financial ruin, but I was single and could take those risks.  There is no way I could have done those projects if I was married and/or had a family. 

[Cookiesandough]

53 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

At dinner last night, I was talking to my girlfriend about this thread/subject.  I asked her if she minded "cold pizza sex" or "duty sex', her answer was "no".  She told me that we each do things to make the other person happy/content and that this was something she could do for me.

She then reminded me about an incident a few days ago.  Her "sweet tooth" was in high gear and she wanted some candy.  When she asked me, I turned off the movie (I was watching) and immediately got to work making her some home made Chocolate Peanut Butter rolls.

I know its not a fair comparison, but it was one example that just popped into her head (because it was recent).  No one is keeping score, you do this and I'll do that... It's just the nature of our relationship where we do things to make the other happy/content.

Haha I bet she says she loves bl*wing you all the time too.. we all say that. But no, really, I feel you. You’re right. Relationships are compromise and trade-offs and sex is a big part of it. Don’t  hate the player, hate the game. And also I’m not even mad at it because I can make my own chocolate peanut butter rolls

Edited August 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

Xxxx

Edited August 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Btw ‘cold pizza sex’ who coined that. I want to shake that guy’s hand … could you make an act that is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable bonding experience anymore sound any more lackadaisical and blah

It was a phrase my EX & I used to use.  I wrote it here on LS a few times.   He had a higher sex drive than I did so sometimes when I wasn't in the mood we'd still have sex anyway.  We'd both joke that cold pizza is still tasty.  It became a point of personal pride with my EX that even when I said OK to cold pizza sex if he could get me aroused & really into it, he'd be doubly happy.  I suppose part of the reason I almost always said yes to sex even when I wasn't in the mood is that his ministrations worked more than 9 times out of 10 .  On those occasions when I wasn't into it, he still got what he wanted & all was good in the world.  It really takes no effort to just lay there.  I don't get why more women don't acquiesce. Why not keep your guy happy when it doesn't take effort?  If somebody won't do that, what things are also slacking that do take effort?   

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

On those occasions when I wasn't into it, he still got what he wanted & all was good in the world.  It really takes no effort to just lay there.  I don't get why more women don't acquiesce. Why not keep your guy happy when it doesn't take effort? 

Kind of reminds me of a time when I called up my girlfriend to complain about something that happened at work.  I just wanted someone to "vent" to... when she blurted out "Would a 'quickie' fix your day??"  My answer was "Why yes... yes it would" She had other things to do that evening, but carved out a little time for me to come over for a "quickie".  It just fixed everything.

And like you said... "all was good with the world".

 

[Cookiesandough]

35 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It was a phrase my EX & I used to use.  I wrote it here on LS a few times.   He had a higher sex drive than I did so sometimes when I wasn't in the mood we'd still have sex anyway.  We'd both joke that cold pizza is still tasty.  It became a point of personal pride with my EX that even when I said OK to cold pizza sex if he could get me aroused & really into it, he'd be doubly happy.  I suppose part of the reason I almost always said yes to sex even when I wasn't in the mood is that his ministrations worked more than 9 times out of 10 .  On those occasions when I wasn't into it, he still got what he wanted & all was good in the world.  It really takes no effort to just lay there.  I don't get why more women don't acquiesce. Why not keep your guy happy when it doesn't take effort?  If somebody won't do that, what things are also slacking that do take effort?   

“Lie back and think of England’ huh? I’d be curious what’s even up with someone that even wants to have sex with someone not into it or just lies there like fresh corpse. How is that appealing. Why not a Realdoll and a warm rag. Not to mention like a lot of women I’m small down there so sex can be very painful for me if I’m not aroused . It’s just kind of disturbing to me and quite not sure it should be brought back to normalized. Like I understand if having sex when you don’t want to doesn’t affect you , but it affect lots of women and can even be a disturbing experience so why is his happiness in this one particular instance somehow more important than hers. 

Edited August 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough