Is this normal?

[Z128]

Greetings,

This is my first post on this site, and I hope I will find answer for what is going on with me. My question is in three parts, but will keep it as short as possible.

 

Background information:

I was in a relationship for 7 years (most of it long distance). She was my first GF and I was her first BF. We had amazing chemistry. We have different religion/race but somehow close culture. We met online as we both have interest in studying abroad etc. I got admission in one western university and helped her after 2 years to find funding to study in same country where I study (different state). She was so happy and always admiring me. She was really the cuties kindest girl I ever met, but I was worried about our relationship because of our differences. I asked her several times if she is SURE she want this relationship, and her answer was always YES I AM SURE, you are my dream man.

As students abroad, we faced several issues (financial, academic etc.), she was more successful than me and managed to finish her degree earlier. She then started working (indeed I helped her a lot in finding a job). I went through really difficult depression because of my academic and financial situation, she supported me financially etc. and finally I made it and completed my education successfully,  I will not deny that the depression made me uncaring person, I forgot a lot of our important dates (like our anniversary, the date we met etc.). I admit, I neglected her needs, but that was not out of not loving her, my love toward her cannot be described by words. We had also a lot a lot of beautiful time and unforgettable memories.  

She was swamped in work and so stressed. I believe her work and being in a foreign country caused her depression. Anyways, She was among women who always tell her, how you can be in a long distance relationship and a lot of BS that I never thought about, as we used to talk 3-4 hours everyday. In our last year, I noticed that she changed, she started to be angry all the time, not tolerating my jokes, get nervous so quickly. We planned to move together in Summer 2020, suddenly she said "I want to date you first", I was shocked!!! like what was the 7 years then!!! anyways, she traveled to visit her family in her home country, and when she came back she was completely different. She start asking weird questions like what will be the religion of kids etc.

Long story short, in March 2020 (just a week before the pandemic) she called me and said there is a long topic that I want to talk to you about: we are not compatible and better not to be together, she said. I was like shocked, but I thought she is joking or she is just emotional and will be OK in few hours. I took things easy in the beginning, but then when I felt that she is serious I started to get anxious, I started begging, pleading crying, sent gifts etc. I called her friends asked people to talk to her to convince her that it is wrong to breakup, I did every mistake you would think about (I don't really blame myself as this was my first breakup). After all of my begging and pleading, she sent me a short text msg saying "you need to take care of your mental and physical health and goodbye" she then blocked me everywhere, she asked her friends to block me, and she just gone, and never heard anything about her after that. I literary went crazy, I was very lonely and thought about how to get rid of my life, I felt I lost every beautiful thing, I felt that the person that I built my future around just gone in a second, I also felt so guilty, as she made the breakup to appear that I am guilty that I took her for granted and did not give her enough attention.

 

My questions:

1. Is what she did (the way she breakup) normal? do people really cause all of this pain for someone who was the love of their life for 7 years? or she had a mental health issues/external or family stresses caused her to do all of this?

2. Over a year of the breakup, and I am still very devastated, I cannot stop thinking of her, million of questions in my head, why, how etc. and I still cannot believe that this breakup really happened. I feel it is a nightmare. Is this normal?

3. Many people advised me to data, but honestly whenever I think about dating, I hate myself, I feel that I am betraying  the love of my life. Is this normal?

 

There are a lot in my story that I could not share, but my ex cut some of her friends from her life before, she never tell me why, although I asked her several time to give people second chance. She also said weird contradicting things during the breakup, like she said you will always have a place in my heart, if you love me let me go, and then said you disappointed me over the years, you never made me happy. Very confusing things that made me so shocked, surprised and speechless as all was new to me. I thought we had a very strong relationship, but it seems she had different thoughts in her mind.

 

Thanks again for reading my post, and thanks in advance for your thoughts/advice.

[ExpatInItaly]

Before I respond to the questions you posed, can you clarify, how much time did you spend together in person over the past 7 years?

[Z128]

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Before I respond to the questions you posed, can you clarify, how much time did you spend together in person over the past 7 years?

Were visiting evert 3-4 months. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Z128 said:

 she sent me a short text msg saying "you need to take care of your mental and physical health and goodbye" she then blocked me everywhere, she asked her friends to block me, 

Sorry this happened. Yes, take care of yourself and your mental health and physical health.

She did the right thing ending it with honesty and integrity.

She also did the right thing blocking you and asking her people to block you, because you became abusive, started stalking and harassing her and her people.

You did not respect appropriate boundaries.

Get to physician for an evaluation of the depression and anxiety and a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[robaday]

It sounds pretty brutal to be honest given the duration of the relationship. I broke up with a gf of 12 months (was quite serious rel though we had been living together) by phone as we were long distance but I did visit her in person to do it in person when I was able to. It gave her closure.

It is normal to feel the way you do. Honestly if I fall in love it takes me a very very long time to get over them. It's not fair and seems cruel she blocked you but there is nothing you can do about it now. 

[ExpatInItaly]

57 minutes ago, Z128 said:

Were visiting evert 3-4 months. 

I see. I just wanted to make sure you two had indeed spent ample time together in person, and it appears you did. 

Unfortunately, it sounds like this just ran its course for her. She saw that the differences would be insurmmounatble in terms of having a future together, so she did the right thing letting you know that she was no longer invested. And yes, it hurts. It hurts to realize the person you thought you would spend your life with doesn't share those feelings any longer. 

I would say that if this all happened a year ago and you are still hurting to this extent, it's time to seek some compassionate help from a third party. It may help you learn to cope better and untangle all your thoughts and anxiety over this. 

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, OP. 

[Z128]

18 minutes ago, robaday said:

It sounds pretty brutal to be honest given the duration of the relationship. I broke up with a gf of 12 months (was quite serious rel though we had been living together) by phone as we were long distance but I did visit her in person to do it in person when I was able to. It gave her closure.

It is normal to feel the way you do. Honestly if I fall in love it takes me a very very long time to get over them. It's not fair and seems cruel she blocked you but there is nothing you can do about it now. 

Yes, it is pretty brutal. Thank you for your words, just wanted to know if what she did and the way she ended things was normal. I am also surprised to see some responses saying she did the right thing  etc. Don't really know how people think, but I think self love became toxic.

[Z128]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I see. I just wanted to make sure you two had indeed spent ample time together in person, and it appears you did. 

Unfortunately, it sounds like this just ran its course for her. She saw that the differences would be insurmmounatble in terms of having a future together, so she did the right thing letting you know that she was no longer invested. And yes, it hurts. It hurts to realize the person you thought you would spend your life with doesn't share those feelings any longer. 

I would say that if this all happened a year ago and you are still hurting to this extent, it's time to seek some compassionate help from a third party. It may help you learn to cope better and untangle all your thoughts and anxiety over this. 

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, OP. 

Thanks for replying. Yes, it hurts a lot more than anything else I experienced in my life. I even sent her an email after I lost hope saying PLEASE LET US JUST FINISH THINGS IN  A CIVIL WAY. 7 years deserves of relationship deserve the per minimum of finishing things in a civil way instead of leaving me bleeding, and sadly she did not even reply.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Z128 said:

7 years deserves of relationship deserve the per minimum of finishing things in a civil way

What would this look like for you, exactly? 

A phone call? A video call? 

[Z128]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What would this look like for you, exactly? 

A phone call? A video call? 

Basically it is simple, just to tell me that the situation (religion etc.) is stronger than us. In the breakup she made it feel that I was guilty not to take care of her and that I disappointed her. When you hear these words from a person you loved for 7 years, it made you to hate yourself, it made you to feel so very guilty. So what that means is just to end things on les spainful note.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Z128 said:

she called me and said there is a long topic that I want to talk to you about: we are not compatible and better not to be together, she said.  I started begging, pleading crying, sent gifts etc. I called her friends asked people to talk to her to convince her that it is wrong to breakup. After all of my begging and pleading, she sent me a short text msg saying "you need to take care of your mental and physical health and goodbye" she then blocked me everywhere

She did call you and end things civilly with a very good explanation. Instead of accepting the difficulties and differences, she addressed in her call, you went on a crazy spree of contacting her and her people and harassing her and them.

Leave her alone and take care of your mental and physical health, as she suggested.

[ExpatInItaly]

55 minutes ago, Z128 said:

Basically it is simple, just to tell me that the situation (religion etc.) is stronger than us. In the breakup she made it feel that I was guilty not to take care of her and that I disappointed her. When you hear these words from a person you loved for 7 years, it made you to hate yourself, it made you to feel so very guilty. So what that means is just to end things on les spainful note.

OP, what you need to understand is that break-ups rarely happen neatly and in a way that is mutually satisfying to both the dumper and the dumpee. They hurt. They're often messy. It totally sucks. 

And for the record, I have been through a couple bad break-ups, after longer than 7 years together as well. And you know what? I don't hate myself. I didn't let my exes' behaviour measure my self-worth. That doesn't mean it wasn't painful, but the self-loathing you're still experiencing has a lot more to do with you than it does with her. Is this something that is interfering with your daily life? 

[Donnas]

If tou got no plan to unite in real life soon, there is no reason to have ldr.

Specially if you dont know the person a while personally.

People lie manipulate easily. Since you cant see anyway what they say.

And you dont go true eachothers moods and behaviours. To know who the person really is.

Its best a break up so u can invest in someone closer who you can also make many real-life  memories with.

[Z128]

28 minutes ago, Donnas said:

If tou got no plan to unite in real life soon, there is no reason to have ldr.

Specially if you dont know the person a while personally.

People lie manipulate easily. Since you cant see anyway what they say.

And you dont go true eachothers moods and behaviours. To know who the person really is.

Its best a break up so u can invest in someone closer who you can also make many real-life  memories with.

Indeed the plan was to unite in summer 2020. We even was planning to buy a house, she left 3 month before the planned date.

[elaine567]

She was 3 months away from "making it real".
She realised it was NOT what she wanted, she saw the issues more clearly and she decided it was "make or break" time and for her the best thing to do was to end it.
She saw no future with you.

You say she asked some "weird" questions about the religion of your kids, why is that weird? 
It is a fundamental question and had you taken that seriously 7 years ago it may have saved you a lot of wasted time.
Religion/race/family mean a lot to many women.  Family support is essential.
Her family probably put her straight on that and she chose her religion, her race and her family over you.
The fact you had mental health issues and neglected her, probably did your case no good either.

As this happened a year ago, time to get some professional help to help you put this all into perspective.
First relationships  tend to end, they are not to be taken as being forever.
Heal, grieve and move on, like everyone else has done... 

[Donnas]

7 years is a long time of your life to wait on someone online.

 

[Z128]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She was 3 months away from "making it real".
She realised it was NOT what she wanted, she saw the issues more clearly and she decided it was "make or break" time and for her the best thing to do was to end it.
She saw no future with you.

You say she asked some "weird" questions about the religion of your kids, why is that weird? 
It is a fundamental question and had you taken that seriously 7 years ago it may have saved you a lot of wasted time.
Religion/race/family mean a lot to many women.  Family support is essential.
Her family probably put her straight on that and she chose her religion, her race and her family over you.
The fact you had mental health issues and neglected her, probably did your case no good either.

As this happened a year ago, time to get some professional help to help you put this all into perspective.
First relationships  tend to end, they are not to be taken as being forever.
Heal, grieve and move on, like everyone else has done... 

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I can understand these differences and how important are such differences. This is exactly what I told her 7 years ago, I told her we have differences are you sure? Her answer was always YES. Indeed I wanted to end this relationship in the very first 3 months because I was worried about these differences. She begged me a lot, so I couldn't see her crying and made a decision that I will be with her forever regardless of the circumstances. 

[Z128]

10 minutes ago, Donnas said:

7 years is a long time of your life to wait on someone online.

 

Yes, that's why I didn't want to waste all of this investment of time. We were going to buy a house and move in together, she paled three months before this! That what made me feeling terrible. After all of this time, we just put everything behind and start from zero! 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Z128 said:

After all of this time, we just put everything behind and start from zero! 

Unfortunately, this is what happens when a couple breaks up. 

It's not easy. But, given that millions have done it before you and millions more will do it after you? You can definitely do it too. 

People's feelings and priorities can change, and this is especially true when folks are young and have no other real relationship experience. You two were still figuring out who you are as individuals, what you want in a relationship, which directions you saw your lives going - and sadly, hers went in another direction. It would not have been better to stay just because you wanted her to, when her heart clearly wasn't in it anymore. That's why trying to rally her friends to convince her to stay with you was inapprorpriate and unfair. It was ignoring her right to make a decision for herself, and trying to steamroll her into doing what you want. That's not how healthy relationships work. We cannot and should not have to persuade someone so hard to be with us.

We have to learn to let go, even when it's the last thing we want to do. 

[Z128]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Unfortunately, this is what happens when a couple breaks up. 

It's not easy. But, given that millions have done it before you and millions more will do it after you? You can definitely do it too. 

People's feelings and priorities can change, and this is especially true when folks are young and have no other real relationship experience. You two were still figuring out who you are as individuals, what you want in a relationship, which directions you saw your lives going - and sadly, hers went in another direction. It would not have been better to stay just because you wanted her to, when her heart clearly wasn't in it anymore. That's why trying to rally her friends to convince her to stay with you was inapprorpriate and unfair. It was ignoring her right to make a decision for herself, and trying to steamroll her into doing what you want. That's not how healthy relationships work. We cannot and should not have to persuade someone so hard to be with us.

We have to learn to let go, even when it's the last thing we want to do. 

Thanks for your reply. I do admit that I did handled the breakup in a bad way, but that was not the real me, my anxious me was acting out of my control. My emotions were like a flood, did not know what I was doing and what I was saying. I just don't want to be judged by my anxiety, I noticed many people here adding salt on my wound by saying you are abusive, don't respect boundaries etc. that was really not me. Millions done it before and millions will do it, but I truly truly wish no one will have this pain, because it is beyond many people capacity.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Z128 said:

I just don't want to be judged by my anxiety

I think at this point, you are the only one judging yourself for it. 

It's been a year since the break-up, so I highly doubt your ex is still thinking about your anxiety. Your reaction was extreme, but it's also not what ended this relationship. It's true that you didn't handle it well and should learn from that experience. However, it was long enough ago that your ex probably has moved on and doesn't hold it against you. 

Something else you need to remember, though: you are always in control of your actions. We can't always control what upsets us, but how we respond to it is most definitely in our control. You had the ability to stop yourself if you had wanted (from contacting her friends, for example)  but you chose not to. This is not a shot at you, but a reminder that are much more control of yourself than you think. 

Edited August 3, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[glows]

On 8/2/2021 at 4:58 PM, Z128 said:

Greetings,

This is my first post on this site, and I hope I will find answer for what is going on with me. My question is in three parts, but will keep it as short as possible.

 

Background information:

I was in a relationship for 7 years (most of it long distance). She was my first GF and I was her first BF. We had amazing chemistry. We have different religion/race but somehow close culture. We met online as we both have interest in studying abroad etc. I got admission in one western university and helped her after 2 years to find funding to study in same country where I study (different state). She was so happy and always admiring me. She was really the cuties kindest girl I ever met, but I was worried about our relationship because of our differences. I asked her several times if she is SURE she want this relationship, and her answer was always YES I AM SURE, you are my dream man.

As students abroad, we faced several issues (financial, academic etc.), she was more successful than me and managed to finish her degree earlier. She then started working (indeed I helped her a lot in finding a job). I went through really difficult depression because of my academic and financial situation, she supported me financially etc. and finally I made it and completed my education successfully,  I will not deny that the depression made me uncaring person, I forgot a lot of our important dates (like our anniversary, the date we met etc.). I admit, I neglected her needs, but that was not out of not loving her, my love toward her cannot be described by words. We had also a lot a lot of beautiful time and unforgettable memories.  

She was swamped in work and so stressed. I believe her work and being in a foreign country caused her depression. Anyways, She was among women who always tell her, how you can be in a long distance relationship and a lot of BS that I never thought about, as we used to talk 3-4 hours everyday. In our last year, I noticed that she changed, she started to be angry all the time, not tolerating my jokes, get nervous so quickly. We planned to move together in Summer 2020, suddenly she said "I want to date you first", I was shocked!!! like what was the 7 years then!!! anyways, she traveled to visit her family in her home country, and when she came back she was completely different. She start asking weird questions like what will be the religion of kids etc.

Long story short, in March 2020 (just a week before the pandemic) she called me and said there is a long topic that I want to talk to you about: we are not compatible and better not to be together, she said. I was like shocked, but I thought she is joking or she is just emotional and will be OK in few hours. I took things easy in the beginning, but then when I felt that she is serious I started to get anxious, I started begging, pleading crying, sent gifts etc. I called her friends asked people to talk to her to convince her that it is wrong to breakup, I did every mistake you would think about (I don't really blame myself as this was my first breakup). After all of my begging and pleading, she sent me a short text msg saying "you need to take care of your mental and physical health and goodbye" she then blocked me everywhere, she asked her friends to block me, and she just gone, and never heard anything about her after that. I literary went crazy, I was very lonely and thought about how to get rid of my life, I felt I lost every beautiful thing, I felt that the person that I built my future around just gone in a second, I also felt so guilty, as she made the breakup to appear that I am guilty that I took her for granted and did not give her enough attention.

 

My questions:

1. Is what she did (the way she breakup) normal? do people really cause all of this pain for someone who was the love of their life for 7 years? or she had a mental health issues/external or family stresses caused her to do all of this?

2. Over a year of the breakup, and I am still very devastated, I cannot stop thinking of her, million of questions in my head, why, how etc. and I still cannot believe that this breakup really happened. I feel it is a nightmare. Is this normal?

3. Many people advised me to data, but honestly whenever I think about dating, I hate myself, I feel that I am betraying  the love of my life. Is this normal?

 

There are a lot in my story that I could not share, but my ex cut some of her friends from her life before, she never tell me why, although I asked her several time to give people second chance. She also said weird contradicting things during the breakup, like she said you will always have a place in my heart, if you love me let me go, and then said you disappointed me over the years, you never made me happy. Very confusing things that made me so shocked, surprised and speechless as all was new to me. I thought we had a very strong relationship, but it seems she had different thoughts in her mind.

 

Thanks again for reading my post, and thanks in advance for your thoughts/advice.

I think you still care about her but don't stay stuck in this place or continue to torment yourself about what you lost. It doesn't sound like she has mental health issues. She wasn't interested in continuing the long distance relationship or didn't see herself in a future with you. Forgetting important dates or neglecting the relationship might have been a catalyst but the main reason it didn't work is because she didn't see it working in the long term due to your differences/incompatibilities. I hope at some level you understand that she's entitled to that (anyone and everyone is entitled to their own reasons for not seeing a relationship work). 

It takes time to adjust and feel single again. There's no rush for that but do pull yourself out of the mindset that she's the only thing that matters. She's not. Congratulations on completing your program or education. Do you have other plans next? Don't let this break up stall or hold you back.

 

Edited August 4, 2021 by glows