My friend lies about having 3 miscarriages, am I a bad friend for wanting to call her out on it?

[DelarosaKandy]

I've been good friends with her for 10 years and she has a flair for the dramatic. If she tripped and her boyfriend doesn't help her up, the story is exaggerated and she'll tell people he pushed her down and then refused to help her up. That kind of thing. Although she has matured a lot over the last two years. 

I had a miscarriage back in December. I was 14 weeks and had already announced the pregnancy to friends and family and it was a very traumatic experience for me. It was my first and only pregnancy. Since then, she has brought up the fact that she has had 3 miscarriages and deeply understands the trauma.

The reason I do not believe her whatsoever is because she anything MINOR that happens in her life, she makes sure everyone on Earth knows what happened. She absolutely LIVES for drama and I have been tight with her for 10 years and I know for a fact she would NEVER not tell me or anyone else what happened.

When she had her "first miscarriage," I remember that day like it was yesterday. She had an extremely emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend. He would abuse her, break up with her, and then block her for days until she was "punished enough" and then unblock her. During one of his abusive phases, he had blocked her and would not unblock her. He dumped her. Suddenly, she was blowing up my phone telling me she had a miscarriage and I needed to tell him to unblock her so that he can be there for her.

I asked her how did she know? Did she need me to take her to the hospital? Did she take a pregnancy test? She stated, "I am 2 weeks early on my period and that NEVER happens. I know instinctually it's a miscarriage and *Robert needs to help me!!"

I told her that wouldn't make any sense, she cannot be 2 weeks pregnant and if she was, it was just a chemical miscarriage. But we should take a test and go to the ER just in case. She directly refused multiple times and stated she didn't need a doctor to tell her what she already knew in her heart and that I needed to report it to Robert immediately through my phone, since she was blocked.

I did as I was told but I honestly did not for one second believe her. I believe it was an extremely manipulative tactic to win her ex back. He also did not believe her and wouldn't answer her calls. So, she announced it all over social media until he unblocked her and basically took her back.

Since she told the entire world about that event, she uses that as her "traumatic miscarriage experience." To this day, I asked her if she went to the doctor and she claims to have blocked it out and not remember anymore. 

However, because she was with me during my own miscarriage and witnessed exactly how the doctors handled it, what procedures they did, and what medications they prescribed, she has now added MY personal story to her work of fiction. At lunch today with another friend, this friend and I discussed our experiences (my friend delivered a stillbirth at 6 months and it was very, very traumatic for her), and I believe to join in, my friend started to claim she had THREE miscarriages, she just kept the other 2 very private. She then took my experience and added it to her own story, although whenever I've asked her about it, she always claims to not have remembered.

In her own words, she literally said, "Oh they did umm-- a DMV procedure (that's not what it's called by the way, LMAO), and then put me under for it." I'm not going to type the rest because it's a bit graphic but she stole my entire experience and put it in her own story at lunch which I found really insulting and a little off gross. 

MY friend and I have had a feeling she has been sort of lying about the miscarriages. My friend told her, that's not what it's called, and she had to have been far along to get that procedure, not 2 weeks. At 2 weeks, that's a chemical miscarriage at most. The reason we know this is because my friend and I have also BOTH had chemical miscarriages. My friend started stammering and tried to lie her ass off before changing the subject completely. 

Here's the thing. She now has a fiancee and has been having trouble getting pregnant. They have been trying for 2 years. And, I believe the reason why she's making up miscarriages from her previous relationship is to not only feel like she's part of our sad ass club,  but maybe to prove that she had the ability to be pregnant. And because I've had 2 miscarriages in the last year and my friend had the stillbirth (which sucks), I think she'd rather feel like she lost a baby too then to never have that experience at all.

I love her and I think I understand why she lies but it bothers me A LOT. Especially because she is stealing my story and my experience into hers. That was MY story, MY trauma, MY heartbreak. And she's taking it and making it part of her own story to prove something to herself. I'm not even comfortable talking about it with her anymore because then she starts to cry (AND I MEAN LITERALLY WEEEP) about her 3 miscarriages before I can even open my mouth. 

Has anybody had these sorts of weird experiences with friends? I don't know what to do. Part of me is a little afraid of her, like what else could she be capable of lying about? 

 

[basil67]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  And how frustrating having someone behaving so dramatically to keep the focus on themselves.

If you were to tell her, do you think she'd actually listen?   Or would she over react and tell anyone who will listen that you were so MEAN about her miscarriages when she gave you so much support  😭😭   

 

[glows]

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend. I’m very sorry for your loss. Spend time with people who understand you especially in safe spaces where your partner and you, for instance, can grieve. 

You have to be more stern with yourself and the company you keep. Repeating the same thing over and over (inviting her to lunches or other outings) while expecting her to change or be any different isn’t realistic. It sounds like she was the only person there for you when your miscarriage happened. Why was she there with you if you don’t trust her?

Take back control of your life and start minimizing contact with someone like this. You may not be able to change that person but it’s in your power to limit your exposure to her and ensure that you surround yourself with better people. I hope you don’t have to see her any time soon. 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, DelarosaKandy said:

I had a miscarriage back in December.. It was my first and only pregnancy. 

Sorry this happened. Focus on getting the appropriate physical and mental health support.

Talk to trusted friends and family as well as your partner. Start some counselling.

Deal with any depression or anxiety that may be lingering.

Don't confide in people who you describe as drama queens.

Keep things superficial with individuals like that. Step back and understand that if she has "a flair for the dramatic", that you are not going to fix or change her with a confrontation.

The onus is on you to draw the line as to who you let into your life and who you share what with.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like your 'friend' is a fantasist.  She says what is convenient at the time to get attention and maybe starts to believe her own made-up stories herself.

I can appreciate this is particularly hurtful to you when it is your story that she has misappropriated.

Because she has some sort of problem with reality and a problem with lying, I doubt that talking to her would make any difference.  It becomes a question of can you bear to continue a friendship with someone who has these kinds of issues?

I am not surprised you feel you cannot trust her.  Who knows what she could do under stress?    I would be worried about being too close to someone like that.  Do you want to abandon the friendship?

Edited August 3, 2021 by spiderowl

[ShyViolet]

The only thing I don't understand is why you choose to remain friends with a person who is so immature and crazy.  No, you should not call her out on this.  What do you honestly hope to accomplish by doing that?  Do you honestly think you'll change her?  (spoiler alert: No). You should just distance yourself from her and stop being such close friends with her.  If you choose to remain involved with a person like this, then she's not the only one who has a flair for the dramatic.  You do as well, because you're choosing to engage with this.