Discussions about what you both want

[Smiles81]

I would just be interested to know the kind of discussions you may have had with your AP about what you both want from the relationship?

I suspect mine is a very standard case of us both wanting to be together but fearing the logistics. We have had times of discussing about where we wanted the relationship to go, but not recently. I feel it is time to broach the topic again.

[BaileyB]

All well and good, but remember that words are easy to say. Read these posts - so many people talk the talk but they never walk the walk. It’s just so common for people to say - I love you and I want to be with you, but… “divorce is hard, I want to be sure.” Or, “I just need more time…” Or, any number of “after my child graduates, after the holidays, after my next dentist visit.”  If it’s a choice between words and actions, ALWAYS believe the actions. And the only action that counts is when he turns up at your door with divorce papers in hand. That’s the only way that you know he has made the decision to leave on his own and he is prepared to do what is required to be in a relationship with you. (Same for you, BTW). 

Yes, there are a lot of logistical problems that make it very difficult for two affair partners to be together in a legitimate relationship. It’s why so many people try to monkey branch from one relationship to another. It’s also one of the reasons why so few affairs turn into successful, long term, legitimate relationships. 

It’s why so many end up simply kicking the can further down the road? I want to be with you, I can’t let you go, but…

Edited August 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Smiles81 said:

We have had times of discussing about where we wanted the relationship to go, but not recently. I feel it is time to broach the topic again.

Many people in affairs spend hours talking about if not for (fill in the blank: kids, money, hurting spouse) how they would run off into the sunset together because they have this amazing soulmate connection unlike their (fill in the blank: sexless, unloving, abusive) spouse.

Having a define the relationship talk is really about trying to rekindle the fantasy talk when an escape fix is needed. It's rather formulaic, when you think about it, no?

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Having a define the relationship talk is really about trying to rekindle the fantasy talk when an escape fix is needed. It's rather formulaic, when you think about it, no?

And what inevitably happens is that the can gets kicked further and further down the road…

You are undoubtably hoping to find some kind of reassurance from him, which he is likely to offer but unlikely to actually deliver. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I am not in an affair, but I do know someone who is. Has been going on for maybe 3 or 4 years. She says they have had that "talk" many times, about both of them leaving their partners.

And absolutely zero has changed. The talk keeps fantasy-land alive, is my take on it. But that's just it for them, apparently: only a fantasy. Never going to become a reality. 

[NYAG]

16 hours ago, Smiles81 said:

I would just be interested to know the kind of discussions you may have had with your AP about what you both want from the relationship?

I suspect mine is a very standard case of us both wanting to be together but fearing the logistics. We have had times of discussing about where we wanted the relationship to go, but not recently. I feel it is time to broach the topic again.

Rules on expectations which I have with mine from the start.

Firstly, he is married. He always will be. If one or the other is likely to want more that the other can provide (ie one falls in love with the other), then it's over. No one is looking for the happy ever after from the other.

I want to retain my single status and my independence until I am ready for a proper relationship (if that ever becomes a thing in my life, I don't want it yet).

This is an arrangement. if I meet someone who can offer me more, I am free to go. Equally, if either of us decide this is no longer working for whatever reason, we are free to go. My set ups are about companionship, emotional and intellectual connection, conversation, and of course the sex and I make sure that's what the other person wants - it tends to come out in early conversations anyway.

Constantly checking in about feelings and emotions, and open communication are essential for me since I never had that in my normal relationships and I am conflict avoidant so constantly working on my communication skills is a thing in my life. I no longer get into relationships with guys who won't talk about anything and everything. It's going okay and it's all helping me to reevaluate what I want in my life going forward.

[denwickdroylsden]

On the other hand, there are A's in which neither partner wants to leave their M.  That was the case with several of mine.  The A was about relief and release, a sort of 'recess' from the grind.  But it is hard to sustain that for long with catching the feels.  One party or the other starts to want more, and that is where things start to get tough.  So glad to be out of that world for good.

[Prudence V]

On 8/3/2021 at 4:16 PM, Smiles81 said:

I would just be interested to know the kind of discussions you may have had with your AP about what you both want from the relationship?

I don’t see this as a one-off, unless it was mutually agreed as a one-night stand. In any other kind of R, things change, people change, and so needs change, too. That lack of discussion about what you both want is probably what kills the soul of so many Ms, leading to all the EMRs that wash up onto these boards. 
 

When we first got together (or before - when we were considering the idea) we discussed what we would want from such a thing, and we agreed that it would be a brief, deep & meaningless thing - we were in a third place, miles from where I lived and even further for him. But when we had the opportunity to see each other again we both leapt at it, and then faced the realisation that a p/t LDR would work for us both. He was M, I had too many other things that were more important in my life than a FTR, so that arrangement worked for us for a good while… until it didn’t. We fell in love. Then we had to decide what we wanted, and there were tough choices to make. But we decided we wanted to together, and worked out the logistics of that, and then put the plan into action. And, donkeys years later, here we still are. 

[Birdies]

Yes, we had these -- consensus was that I was going to stay married, but that MM was likely eventually going to get divorced (really toxic marriage).  Joke was on us.... DDay came, everything blew up, and we actually both ended up divorced and now happily married to each other.

[spiderowl]

On 8/3/2021 at 4:16 PM, Smiles81 said:

I would just be interested to know the kind of discussions you may have had with your AP about what you both want from the relationship?

I suspect mine is a very standard case of us both wanting to be together but fearing the logistics. We have had times of discussing about where we wanted the relationship to go, but not recently. I feel it is time to broach the topic again.

Just wondered why you wanted this discussion, OP?  Is it because you want something to change or you think something has changed?