Am I a bad girl?

[AngelFace]

I have a long story but will try to make it as short as possible. Would appreciate your opinion. 

I am a 28 years old girl, had a relationship for about 5 years with a guy that I truly loved. We had a very strong connection, but most of the time we were long distance. We promised each other to be together forever, although we had some differences (mainly his family didn't accept religion difference between us). He was OK with this difference all time, but I don't know what happened to him 6 months ago. He started talking about future and how this will be difficult etc. He said then that he want to breakup with me me. I could not tolerate this, and I broke up crying, but he insisted on the separation and said it is better for both of us. I begged him not to leave me, and cried as crazy, but that even pushed him further and further. He ended up sending me a voice msg saying everything is done and nothing will change goodbye. He then blocked me everywhere and cut all connections with me, I called his friends and family begging them to help me to get him back, but they all stood against me and told me not to stalk him or not to contact them as he asked everyone not to respond to me.

Six months and I am very sad and devastated. I don't know anything about him, but cannot stop thinking of him. He took my best years and just ditched me when he felt it will not work in the future, I even told him that I am willing to be with him anywhere and I will never talk about religion as I respect all religions. But nothing worked, he was very determined to end everything.

 

I truly love him and I feel I wasted 5 years for nothing, my family wanted me to be with someone else who has more similarities to me, but I rejected everyone because I loved that guy.

What should I do now, were I bad girl as he and his family/friends said because I tried to keep the relationship by begging them, or that was bad of them to say? He literary destroyed myself confidence! I am really really sad and I need help.

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, AngelFace said:

What should I do now, were I bad girl as he and his family/friends said because I tried to keep the relationship by begging them, or that was bad of them to say?

You're not a bad person. 

You reacted poorly to sad news, and it was not appropriate to involve his family. However, you are not a fundamentally bad woman. I am sorry you're having a hard time, I can understand it was very difficult to hear that he no longer wanted to continue dating. 

The best choice now is to forgive yourself for the choices you made when breaking up. He and his family will get over it. And you will too. 

[Taramere]

1 hour ago, AngelFace said:

Six months and I am very sad and devastated. I don't know anything about him, but cannot stop thinking of him. He took my best years and just ditched me when he felt it will not work in the future, I even told him that I am willing to be with him anywhere and I will never talk about religion as I respect all religions. But nothing worked, he was very determined to end everything.

 

I truly love him and I feel I wasted 5 years for nothing, my family wanted me to be with someone else who has more similarities to me, but I rejected everyone because I loved that guy.

What should I do now, were I bad girl as he and his family/friends said because I tried to keep the relationship by begging them, or that was bad of them to say? He literary destroyed myself confidence! I am really really sad and I need help.

At 28 you have plenty of good years ahead of you.  His family and friends sound very judgemental.  Haven't any of them ever had their hearts broken? 

You're not a bad person for not handling the break up so well.  An episode like that is a teaching experience.  I'm sure that logically you know and understand that when somebody wants to end a relationship with you, the best possible way to respond is to let go as gracefully as you can and move on as swiftly as you can.  But knowing that and being able to actually do it are two very different things. 

You've had a very hard lesson that's told you that for whatever reason, you weren't able to let go gracefully and start the process of moving on.   That's not about him, or the relationship, or his family and friends.  The ending of this relationship tapped into some fear within you...and it sounds like the fear was one of being abandoned.  Which is a very common fear.  It starts when we're tiny...the fear of being abandoned by a parent when we're small, vulnerable and unable to take care of ourselves. 

Your ex boyfriend did not destroy you, the relationship and its ending have given you a glimpse into a part of yourself that is unfamiliar and perhaps very frightening.  The fears and anxieties of "can I make it without the person who's abandoned me?  Am I anything without them?  Who was I before I met him.  Can I go back to being that person?  Should I?"

If therapy is available to you, these are questions you could explore within therapy sessions.  If therapy isn't available, you might have to start getting creative and trying to explore the questions that feel relevant to you and look for answers with the aid of books, forums like this and your own ability to think and problem solve.  You're not a broken person, AngelFace.  You're a person who has suffered a loss, took it hard and is now wrapped up in worrying about what other people think of her for taking it so hard. 

Let me tell you about people like your ex's family and friends.  They spend their lives sitting in judgement of others because it's a lot easier to do that than it is to turn the magnifying glass on themselves.  Be better than that.  Use this experience to learn about yourself, to explore why you reacted as you did and to start to find solutions that will help you get to a place where you don't have to worry that your happiness, future and sense of self is dependent on the whims and good opinion of other people who may not be reliable.

[Johnjohnson2017]

What religion are you and what religion is he?

Is religion important in your side of the family? If religion is really important to you, then it's best to not continue the relationship. Religion will be a big problem when you have kids and have to decide which religion you should bring them up with.

If religion is not important to you, and you really want to get married with him, the only solution would be to convert to his religion. That might create a big rift with your own family (you might get disowned depending on your family's view on religion).

[AngelFace]

8 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

What religion are you and what religion is he?

Is religion important in your side of the family? If religion is really important to you, then it's best to not continue the relationship. Religion will be a big problem when you have kids and have to decide which religion you should bring them up with.

If religion is not important to you, and you really want to get married with him, the only solution would be to convert to his religion. That might create a big rift with your own family (you might get disowned depending on your family's view on religion).

I don't care a lot about religion and he was fine that I keep my religion. He was worried about kids religion (which was not an issue for him for five years) in the breakup, I told him clearly I want the kids to be like you, raise them up you religion, I even told him "I will change my religion to yours" he said "This is disgusting". I offered him everything, raising up kids his religion, even change my religion (I only believe in God and I know he loves all us, regardless the name of religion). 

[AngelFace]

59 minutes ago, Taramere said:

At 28 you have plenty of good years ahead of you.  His family and friends sound very judgemental.  Haven't any of them ever had their hearts broken? 

You're not a bad person for not handling the break up so well.  An episode like that is a teaching experience.  I'm sure that logically you know and understand that when somebody wants to end a relationship with you, the best possible way to respond is to let go as gracefully as you can and move on as swiftly as you can.  But knowing that and being able to actually do it are two very different things. 

You've had a very hard lesson that's told you that for whatever reason, you weren't able to let go gracefully and start the process of moving on.   That's not about him, or the relationship, or his family and friends.  The ending of this relationship tapped into some fear within you...and it sounds like the fear was one of being abandoned.  Which is a very common fear.  It starts when we're tiny...the fear of being abandoned by a parent when we're small, vulnerable and unable to take care of ourselves. 

Your ex boyfriend did not destroy you, the relationship and its ending have given you a glimpse into a part of yourself that is unfamiliar and perhaps very frightening.  The fears and anxieties of "can I make it without the person who's abandoned me?  Am I anything without them?  Who was I before I met him.  Can I go back to being that person?  Should I?"

If therapy is available to you, these are questions you could explore within therapy sessions.  If therapy isn't available, you might have to start getting creative and trying to explore the questions that feel relevant to you and look for answers with the aid of books, forums like this and your own ability to think and problem solve.  You're not a broken person, AngelFace.  You're a person who has suffered a loss, took it hard and is now wrapped up in worrying about what other people think of her for taking it so hard. 

Let me tell you about people like your ex's family and friends.  They spend their lives sitting in judgement of others because it's a lot easier to do that than it is to turn the magnifying glass on themselves.  Be better than that.  Use this experience to learn about yourself, to explore why you reacted as you did and to start to find solutions that will help you get to a place where you don't have to worry that your happiness, future and sense of self is dependent on the whims and good opinion of other people who may not be reliable.

I was called bad names during the breakup because I was begging, he made me to lose my self confidence and respect. I feel I am unworthy, during the breakup he said very hurtful words, he used a lot of swear words. I even told him if religion is a problem, I will change my religion to yours and live wherever you want, he said "This is disgusting" I cannot forget his hurtful words and I feel I have no value.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, AngelFace said:

What should I do now, were I bad girl as he and his family/friends said because I tried to keep the relationship by begging them, or that was bad of them to say? He literary destroyed myself confidence! I am really really sad and I need help.

You are not a bad girl.  Religion can be a touchy subject.  It causes rifts.  Your offer to change your religion was generous.  

Since he seemed OK with the difference either he really did finally figure out how problematic the different religions would be if you had kids or he met somebody local.  You said this was long distance.  Adding in the pressure from his family to find somebody who shared his religious beliefs, you two were always fighting an uphill battle.  

As much as the end of a relationship hurts I'm not sure why your self-confidence is taking a hit here.  You held to your values.  That is something a confident person does.  His decision to walk away doesn't detract from who you are.  It just means he wanted something different.  Nobody deserves to be cursed at.  Whatever he said to you at the end was the anger talking.  At best it's his opinion but nothing he said is true.  You get to be who you are no matter what he wants. 

You are not a "bad girl" for trying to get him back but you will turn into a bad girl if you don't let go & keep pestering him.  At some point you have to take no for an answer & accept this is over.  

You didn't waste 5 years.  I'm sure there were good time in here.  There were aspects of the relationship that broadened your horizons & made you grow as a person but now the relationship is over & you need to move forward.   You are 28. There is plenty of time to fall in love, get married & have kids 

Hang in there. 

Edited August 3, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Taramere]

1 minute ago, AngelFace said:

I was called bad names during the breakup because I was begging, he made me to lose my self confidence and respect. I feel I am unworthy, during the breakup he said very hurtful words, he used a lot of swear words. I even told him if religion is a problem, I will change my religion to yours and live wherever you want, he said "This is disgusting" I cannot forget his hurtful words and I feel I have no value.

Relationship break ups are stressful, and people sometimes say ridiculous, untrue things or behave out of character because it's a difficult situation that they don't know how to handle.  You're talking about his friends and relatives saying you handled it badly - but what you describe there sounds like him handling it badly.   The guy was cursing and insulting you during a break up.  That's ugly, hostile and abusive behaviour that reflects very badly on him.

Where are your friends and family in amongst all this?  You've mentioned his, but haven't said anything about your own support network other than that your family wanted you to be with somebody more like you (which sounds as though your family hold a good, positive opinion of you).

 

[glows]

14 minutes ago, AngelFace said:

I was called bad names during the breakup because I was begging, he made me to lose my self confidence and respect. I feel I am unworthy, during the breakup he said very hurtful words, he used a lot of swear words. I even told him if religion is a problem, I will change my religion to yours and live wherever you want, he said "This is disgusting" I cannot forget his hurtful words and I feel I have no value.

Press pause and hit restart for a moment. Any time someone doesn't accept some part of you or refuses a solution you have to offer, stop and think. He doesn't want to marry you, period. This man has other plans. It's not about religion. It's that he's not in love with you. It's very painful but you have to see through all that rhetoric and accept that he's not interested in spending a life with you. 

You're not a bad person for wanting a life with someone you love but you must recognize when that person doesn't reciprocate the way you feel. Never ever ask someone twice. He had his chances with you. Pick yourself up off the ground and brush this off. You have so much to live for - you just don't know it yet. 

Edited August 3, 2021 by glows

[AngelFace]

9 minutes ago, Taramere said:

Relationship break ups are stressful, and people sometimes say ridiculous, untrue things or behave out of character because it's a difficult situation that they don't know how to handle.  You're talking about his friends and relatives saying you handled it badly - but what you describe there sounds like him handling it badly.   The guy was cursing and insulting you during a break up.  That's ugly, hostile and abusive behaviour that reflects very badly on him.

Where are your friends and family in amongst all this?  You've mentioned his, but haven't said anything about your own support network other than that your family wanted you to be with somebody more like you (which sounds as though your family hold a good, positive opinion of you).

 

He broke up with me just few months after moving to a new city to start a new job. I was away from my family and all friends, I did not have any friend here, and I did not want to tell my family not to get worried. I tried to talk to some friends, but they are all busy and just repeat "just move on". He crushed me and left after I devoted my life to him. I admit that my depression made me not to be a great gf, but that was in the last year of our relationship. He forgot all good time we had, he said "you did not make me happy for 5 years" How this is possible!!!!  not even one nice memory!!

[glows]

4 minutes ago, AngelFace said:

He broke up with me just few months after moving to a new city to start a new job. I was away from my family and all friends, I did not have any friend here, and I did not want to tell my family not to get worried. I tried to talk to some friends, but they are all busy and just repeat "just move on". He crushed me and left after I devoted my life to him. I admit that my depression made me not to be a great gf, but that was in the last year of our relationship. He forgot all good time we had, he said "you did not make me happy for 5 years" How this is possible!!!!  not even one nice memory!!

He was preparing himself to break up with you for a long time and you were blind-sided, I'm afraid. I'm sorry this hurts but you'll come out the other side. I hope you're receiving treatment and support for your depression.

[Taramere]

31 minutes ago, AngelFace said:

He broke up with me just few months after moving to a new city to start a new job. I was away from my family and all friends, I did not have any friend here, and I did not want to tell my family not to get worried. I tried to talk to some friends, but they are all busy and just repeat "just move on". He crushed me and left after I devoted my life to him. I admit that my depression made me not to be a great gf, but that was in the last year of our relationship. He forgot all good time we had, he said "you did not make me happy for 5 years" How this is possible!!!!  not even one nice memory!!

Yeah, that's a common reason for break ups - when one person moves away.  I've been there too.  The moment one person makes the decision to move to a different city to start a new job then the two of you need to have an "is it time to break up?" conversation, but that's a difficult thing to broach - especially if you're in love, as you obviously are/were.

As far as whether it's possible for him to have not one nice memory...that seems highly unlikely, unless there's some very serious issue with him.  He really doesn't sound like a great person, and I suspect having a 5 year relationship with him has taken its toll in ways that are only becoming clear to you now that the relationship is over.  You're not defined by this rather miserable sounding guy, or his family or his friends.  What you are is free of them.  Which might not seem like a good thing right now, but I think as time passes you will realise that a future with this man - which would have involved endless dealings with his family and friends - would have been a fairly unhappy prospect.  Having to endlessly deal and socialise with people who, from what you say, seem negative, interfering and judgemental. 

Even if you don't appreciate them right now, I get the sense from your posts that your family and friends aren't focused on passing negative judgements in the way his support network seems to be.  I'm sure those people who care about you just want to see you get back to being the happy, confident person they know you can be, which is why they're urging you to move on.  Value the people around you who are in your life and choose to stay there.  They're the ones who will count in the long run.

Edited August 3, 2021 by Taramere

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, AngelFace said:

I was called bad names during the breakup because I was begging, he made me to lose my self confidence and respect. I feel I am unworthy, during the breakup he said very hurtful words, he used a lot of swear words.

It sounds like a blessing in disguise. This is not a man who loves you - if he truly loved you, he would not treat you this way. 

[AngelFace]

21 minutes ago, Taramere said:

Yeah, that's a common reason for break ups - when one person moves away.  I've been there too.  The moment one person makes the decision to move to a different city to start a new job then the two of you need to have an "is it time to break up?" conversation, but that's a difficult thing to broach - especially if you're in love, as you obviously are/were.

As far as whether it's possible for him to have not one nice memory...that seems highly unlikely, unless there's some very serious issue with him.  He really doesn't sound like a great person, and I suspect having a 5 year relationship with him has taken its toll in ways that are only becoming clear to you now that the relationship is over.  You're not defined by this rather miserable sounding guy, or his family or his friends.  What you are is free of them.  Which might not seem like a good thing right now, but I think as time passes you will realise that a future with this man - which would have involved endless dealings with his family and friends - would have been a fairly unhappy prospect.  Having to endlessly deal and socialise with people who, from what you say, seem negative, interfering and judgemental. 

Even if you don't appreciate them right now, I get the sense from your posts that your family and friends aren't focused on passing negative judgements in the way his support network seems to be.  I'm sure those people who care about you just want to see you get back to being the happy, confident person they know you can be, which is why they're urging you to move on.  Value the people around you who are in your life and choose to stay there.  They're the ones who will count in the long run.

Thanks for your kind words. For work, we were actually long distance most of the time. We used to visit every few months. When I got the job, we both agreed that we will work for 1 year in different cities and to move in together by the end of the year. He was totally OK with long distance for 5 years, and we were both building our career and developing ourselves to have better future. What happened after I truly have no idea and clue! Million and million of questions in my head every day, I cry every night, sometimes I cry at work as I used to send him good morning msg every day (and he did as well). Every day we talk for hours, I was under impression that nothing can break our love, but everything gone in one minute. What was weird, that his best friend seemed to know everything, as everything was planned. 

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you are hurting, OP.  Break-ups are incredibly painful.

It sounds like maybe he met someone else or perhaps his family arranged for him to meet someone.  At some point, he decided you and he were not suited any longer.  Just think, it could have been the other way round - you could have met someone and then decided to break up with him.  It just so happens, he broke up first.

I know you loved him but, from the kind of things he said during the break-up, he wasn't a nice guy.  While people sometimes say things they don't mean when under stress, he seems to have no kindness or understanding.  That is a serious character flaw.  I think in the future you will realise that you avoided a bad match there.  

When things were seemingly ok between you, was he denigrating towards you then?  Did he say negative things that harmed your self-esteem?  I have a feeling he has been eroding your confidence for some time now.

Whatever his view of you is, it is not true.  You are not bad.  You went through a tough time and were hurt; none of us react very well to that.  It is understandable.  You tried to hang on to a relationship that no longer existed.  It is important now that you let it go, accept that it has gone (and that it almost certainly was not good for you) and allow yourself time to recover.

You sound a kind and generous person with the capacity to truly love someone.  If a person does not want to be with us, we have to let them go and concentrate on our own recovery rather than trying to retain what has faded.  It is a very hard thing to learn but you will be so much the wiser for it.

I know five years seems like a long time - and it is.  Many people have several long relationships in their lifetimes, all of which are important in some way.  Please try to avoid people who are long distance and to really check what kind of person they are before you fall in love with them.  This guy was not worthy of your love and he was just spiteful and childish in the end.  

Edited August 3, 2021 by spiderowl

[AngelFace]

23 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I am sorry you are hurting, OP.  Break-ups are incredibly painful.

It sounds like maybe he met someone else or perhaps his family arranged for him to meet someone.  At some point, he decided you and he were not suited any longer.  Just think, it could have been the other way round - you could have met someone and then decided to break up with him.  It just so happens, he broke up first.

I know you loved him but, from the kind of things he said during the break-up, he wasn't a nice guy.  While people sometimes say things they don't mean when under stress, he seems to have no kindness or understanding.  That is a serious character flaw.  I think in the future you will realise that you avoided a bad match there.  

When things were seemingly ok between you, was he denigrating towards you then?  Did he say negative things that harmed your self-esteem?  I have a feeling he has been eroding your confidence for some time now.

Whatever his view of you is, it is not true.  You are not bad.  You went through a tough time and were hurt; none of us react very well to that.  It is understandable.  You tried to hang on to a relationship that no longer existed.  It is important now that you let it go, accept that it has gone (and that it almost certainly was not good for you) and allow yourself time to recover.

You sound a kind and generous person with the capacity to truly love someone.  If a person does not want to be with us, we have to let them go and concentrate on our own recovery rather than trying to retain what has faded.  It is a very hard thing to learn but you will be so much the wiser for it.

I know five years seems like a long time - and it is.  Many people have several long relationships in their lifetimes, all of which are important in some way.  Please try to avoid people who are long distance and to really check what kind of person they are before you fall in love with them.  This guy was not worthy of your love and he was just spiteful and childish in the end.  

Thanks for your kind words. He actually was nice toward me for 5 years, but in the last year, it seems many people around him made him to change his views. I still cannot believe what he did to me after all of these years. Thanks a lot of your kind words.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

It sounds like maybe he met someone else or perhaps his family arranged for him to meet someone. 

Agree. It's sad this happened but unfortunately he was probably scheduled for an arranged marriage and got married.

He  may have been out sowing wild oats and then married a virgin in his culture/tradition/religion.

Use this time to reflect on your own situation and family restrictions.

It's best to date locally so you can build a relationship with someone you know well.