Has anyone chosen to stay with their partner or separated to find someone new to have children with?

[SSM3]

People

I am in a great relationship with someone and things are going really well. We are thinking about getting engaged and really happy together. I can't imagine not being with this person now, but one thing in my life is missing, and that's to have my own family. We have been trying to conceive since we first met but nothing has happened, she's had a few late periods but they have always arrived in the end

She is in her early 40's and I am in my mid 40's so time is not on our side really.  The thought of never having my own child, not being a dad or a grandad eats away at me every day and it's really hard to accept. 
 
She has kids from a previous and has always said that she would like another one but it just hasn't happend. I find myself slightly jealous sometimes that she has children and will be a granmother one day, which is really sad. 

I'd like to hear your stories, and from those who stood by their partner (if they didn't want kids/or couldn't). How did you feel? Did you move on to someone else? If so, were you successful? 

The thought has crossed my mind to find someone 10 years younger, but then I don't want to be without this woman either. She is everthing I want and everything that I am looking for in a person, but she can not give me what I really want. Will this eat away at me for the rest of my life? I don't know.  

There are many articles online which talk about women who are childless and how difficult this is, but it is also very hard for men too!

I look forward to hearing your replies and to help me process this.
 

[Blind-Sided]

If kids are that big of a deal to you... then you need to NOT get engaged to this woman.  She may not be able to have kids anymore... and it may not be safe.  

Stories from other's is irrelevant.  It's what you feel.  You could get 100 stories about it, and read that they all were ok after a while... but you may never be OK with it. 

I'm sorry to be blunt... but you have to look inside yourself, and find that answer. 

[Timshel]

The first step is to schedule an appointment with a REI doctor (reproductive endocrinology and infertility.) Both of you will be evaluated for sperm and egg viability and provided options that are relevant to your needs.

If you are able to afford it and both of you have viable sperm and eggs, a surrogate is one possibility.

If you love her and want a child and marriage with her, make an appointment with a doctor. Knowledge is power.

 

[SSM3]

18 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

If kids are that big of a deal to you... then you need to NOT get engaged to this woman.  She may not be able to have kids anymore... and it may not be safe.  

Stories from other's is irrelevant.  It's what you feel.  You could get 100 stories about it, and read that they all were ok after a while... but you may never be OK with it. 

I'm sorry to be blunt... but you have to look inside yourself, and find that answer. 

Thanks for your reply, both are important to me (having kids and she is too). 

But I still want to know if anyone has left their partner and regretted it. I would like to hear from someone who has been/is in the same place as me now. 

No worries about being blunt.

[Timshel]

I agree with Blind-Sided, if you are willing to either cast your desire for a child away or the woman you want to marry away based on the opinion of internet strangers...do not marry this woman.

In her early forties, a woman will at the very least need to consult her obgyn. That will lead to a consultation with a fertility specialist. If you would make a decision to keep or discard this woman based on rhetoric rather than science and a proper medical evaluation then you have your answer.

Have a conversation with her that you need to have a child and therefore must end the relationship. What else could you decide without proper medical information?

[SSM3]

4 minutes ago, Timshel said:

I agree with Blind-Sided, if you are willing to either cast your desire for a child away or the woman you want to marry away based on the opinion of internet strangers...do not marry this woman.

In her early forties, a woman will at the very least need to consult her obgyn. That will lead to a consultation with a fertility specialist. If you would make a decision to keep or discard this woman based on rhetoric rather than science and a proper medical evaluation then you have your answer.

Have a conversation with her that you need to have a child and therefore must end the relationship. What else could you decide without proper medical information?

Maybe I have not been clear.

I am not asking anyone for advice on what to do, I know what I need to do (i.e. speak with her/see specialists etc and then decide). 

What I am looking for is to hear from people who have been in/are in similar situations to me.  I would like to know what they did, what they went through and how they handle it. 

Thank you.

[d0nnivain]

There are lots of ways to have a family -- adoption, surrogacy etc.  It sounds like you are hung up on the genetics.  Before you dump her for a kid you may never have talk about those things with her.  If you are really all gung-ho about somebody who shares your DNA look into IVF & surrogacy.  

I am the one who could not conceive.  We stayed together.  There is an occasional tinge of regret that I didn't have kids earlier but I never had a burning desire to be a mom.  DH & I both know losing each other for a pipe dream of kids would have been foolhardy but you may value kids over the lady in question.  Only you can answer that but you better figure it out before you get married.  

Edited August 4, 2021 by d0nnivain

[SSM3]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

There are lots of ways to have a family -- adoption, surrogacy etc.  It sounds like you are hung up on the genetics.  Before you dump her for a kid you may never have talk about those things with her.  If you are really all gung-ho about somebody who shares your DNA look into IVF & surrogacy.  

I am the one who could not conceive.  We stayed together.  There is an occasional tinge of regret that I didn't have kids earlier but I never had a burning desire to be a mom.  DH & I both know losing each other for a pipe dream of kids would have been foolhardy but you may value kids over the lady in question.  Only you can answer that but you better figure it out before you get married.  

Thanks d0nnivain, it's not easy this and for the first time in my life I have found someone who I love.  I love this woman, but I just don't want to regret my decision later on in life because I am running out of time now too. 

I don't want to adopt nor do I want to look surrogacy either, for different reasons.

You seem to have got over not having children then? How long did it take for you to accept it wouldn't happen?

[Timshel]

21 minutes ago, SSM3 said:

Maybe I have not been clear.

I am not asking anyone for advice on what to do, I know what I need to do (i.e. speak with her/see specialists etc and then decide). 

What I am looking for is to hear from people who have been in/are in similar situations to me.  I would like to know what they did, what they went through and how they handle it. 

Thank you.

I understand. When my husband and I married, I am not able to have children. The difference is that my husband does not want children. I would have run to a surrogate because I love kids, lol. But honestly, we are compatible in that I am done having children and that is exactly what he wants.

Of the people I know of in your situation, I and other posters are telling you what they would or did do. There isn't really any other option. She may be infertile, you may be infertile, both of you may be infertile or both of you may have a healthy child together. There is only one way to find out beyond taking your chances, which may or may not be what you want.

You say you need to know before marrying her, this is the only way.

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, SSM3 said:

You seem to have got over not having children then? How long did it take for you to accept it wouldn't happen?

I am one who found my partner later in life. He has a child, I do not. 

It was definitely a grieving process, and I have moments of sadness (as Donnivain said). But, I find my joy in my relationship, in his child, in my nieces and nephews who I love as my own, in my friendships, in travel, etc… I would not change anything - my friends have had children, some have struggled with their children or they are just leaving home. I have my partner and we are very happy. I never wanted to be an “old” parent. Not that I feel old.   The way I think of it, there are always sacrifices to be made. Nobody gets “everything” they want in this life - and just when you think you do, life has a way of reminding us that we are not in control (you get sick, your child is diagnosed with a disability, or they develop a drug addiction, or you lose your job, etc…). I believe certain things happen for a reason and I try to be very grateful for what I have. 

Edited August 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

32 minutes ago, SSM3 said:

You seem to have got over not having children then? How long did it take for you to accept it wouldn't happen?

I never thought it would happen & I wasn't chomping at the bit to have kids.  If I got pregnant that would have been OK but I wasn't that heart broken about not having them.  I do not like babies & toddlers.  I knew myself well enough to know that I would have struggled with a crying child.  I don't mind self sufficient kids but the beginning of life was not something I was looking forward to especially because I was not going to have any help.  His parents were too far; mine were at the end of life & I'm an only child so zero support.  

A dear childhood friend of mine never got over it.  She turned into an alcoholic in part because she's so torn up about not being a mom & feeling like a failure.  

If you want your wife to carry your child then you probably should not marry this woman.  Time & biology are not on your side & you may grow to resent her.  That's not fair.  So really do some soul searching which includes your views on surrogacy & then make a decision.  

[SSM3]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

A dear childhood friend of mine never got over it.  She turned into an alcoholic in part because she's so torn up about not being a mom & feeling like a failure.  

That is really sad.

[SSM3]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If you want your wife to carry your child then you probably should not marry this woman.  Time & biology are not on your side & you may grow to resent her.  That's not fair. 

If she was to get pregnant my life would be perfect/complete (should the child and mother be 100% healthy). If she doesn't get pregant, my life would be near perfect/complete but there would always be that something missing....but as long as I am with her, it would be ok. 

[d0nnivain]

yes it is.  I shared it with you so you know how deep emotions on this subject can run

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If you want your wife to carry your child then you probably should not marry this woman.  Time & biology are not on your side & you may grow to resent her.  That's not fair.

This is the bottom line. IF this is something that you need and you are unwilling to bend, you have a difficult decision to make. While you will hear stories of women in their forties conceiving and having children, it is a risk and for many it simply does not happen. Time and biology are most definitely not on your side. 

Quote

If she doesn't get pregant, my life would be near perfect/complete but there would always be that something missing....but as long as I am with her, it would be ok. 

This is what you need to make your piece with. Only stay if you decide you will be ok if it does not happen - because that is a definite possibility. 

Edited August 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

Just now, SSM3 said:

If she was to get pregnant my life would be perfect/complete (should the child and mother be 100% healthy). If she doesn't get pregant, my life would be near perfect/complete but there would always be that something missing....but as long as I am with her, it would be ok. 

Not so fast.  She's over 40.  The risks for birth defects increase exponentially.  You are dreaming of a happy healthy baby & I wish that for you but you absolutely have to factor in what happens if she conceives & you have a special needs child.  That is a whole other dynamic but the possibility cannot be overlooked in your situation.   

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Not so fast.  She's over 40.  The risks for birth defects increase exponentially.  You are dreaming of a happy healthy baby & I wish that for you but you absolutely have to factor in what happens if she conceives & you have a special needs child.  That is a whole other dynamic but the possibility cannot be overlooked in your situation.   

It is certainly a risk. It’s a roll of the dice… and as someone who has worked with children who have developmental disabilities and their families for many years - I have seen many couples who get pregnant late in life and their lives are changed forever following a diagnosis. The risk does increase with age and it is something to consider. 

What are your plans for retirement OP? With or without a diagnosis, having a child at this are will change your plans for retirement - obviously financially, but also in terms of your time and ability to travel. You may decide that it is worth the sacrifice, but it is still a sacrifice that you will be required to make. 

Edited August 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[SSM3]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Not so fast.  She's over 40.  The risks for birth defects increase exponentially.

I know this too.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, SSM3 said:

I know what I need to do (i.e. speak with her/see specialists etc and then decide). 

You have 3 choices. Accept her kids. Dump her for someone more fertile. Or discuss getting a surrogate/IVF for your sperm.

[SSM3]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What are your plans for retirement OP?

We have actually spoken about our long term plans and both agree on what we would like to do.

[SSM3]

Life and the biologocial clock is so cruel

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, what happens if you end this relatoinship and struggle to find woman quickly?

Or you meet another wonderful woman who either does not want or cannot have kids? 

I suppose I would consider those alternatives too before making any big decisions. Ending this relationship still does not necessarily mean you will find the family life you are looking for. 

A dear friend of mine is going through something similar now. She separated from her partner of 10 years last year, and still desperately wants children. She is nearly 41 and still single. It's better than being with her ex (he wasn't great) but she is coming to terms with the fact that she might not have a baby of her own. It's been a tough time for her 

Edited August 4, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[SSM3]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I suppose I would consider those alternatives too before making any big decisions. Ending this relationship still does not necessarily mean you will find the family life you are looking for. 

I know! A friend has also told me this too. I might end it to find with the hope of finding someone and ending up with nothing and deeply regretting my choice.

I am sorry to hear about your friend, how is she coping now? Give her my number lol (joking)

[Momma Zen]

You have your children for 18 years, but your partner close to you for life. Can you go through life without her? What happens if you don’t find someone that compatible? You possibly could end up with a broken marriage and hardly seeing the kids you so wanted and left her to go and have. 
 

My sister gave up the option of having kids. Her husband has two adult boys now and she took them on like an Aunt / mother figure when they were mid teens. Her husband didn’t want to start again and it took her a while to come to terms with it. She’s pretty happy now as she’s part of his family and any future grandkids will be considered her grandkids too. I guess it’s how you look at the situation. They’re able to go out, travel and do many things that I’m not able to do. 
 

If you both want children, I’d look at adopting or fostering and withdrawing those options if you conceive before those proceed. Build your relationship with her children and learn to accept them as your own. Do one on one outings with each child to start building a stronger bond.

In tough situations I imagine myself in one situation and see how that feels. I then do the same for the other situation and see which felt better. You’re in a tough situation, maybe learning to look at the situation differently could help you appreciate the beauty that you have. If nothing changes then chasing someone who can give you children might be the answer. Wishing you all the best

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, SSM3 said:

 I might end it to find with the hope of finding someone and ending up with nothing and deeply regretting my choice.

Don't talk about engagement, marriage or future if you are contemplating ending it for a more fertile women.

This is going to be a difficult conversation for you.

But you started late and picked someone older with a complete family and now seem to be finding reasons for stalling things out.

Are you going to tell her "I love you but can't go forward/marry you because you're too old to start a family"? 

First reflect on why you started dating her when she already has a family and kids, but now want your own.