Another ap? what do I do?

[inamess8]

Hey everyone.

 

This situation is relevant to my life, but my head is so messed up right now I am not ready to post the full story just yet. I will.

If you were having an affair, and it was over with your affair partner, whether this was to work on your marriage/someonelse etc - would you delete the contact details of your ap? If you kept them, why would you keep them?

[glows]

Are you trying to get inside the mind of a cheater? Aka your spouse? 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, inamess8 said:

would you delete the contact details of your ap? If you kept them, why would you keep them?

Has your partner kept the details of his affair partner? Are you going through his phone?

Does he know you know? Is he still lying about it?

You need to speak with him directly about why he has this contact info in his phone.

Keep in mind whether you find this stuff on his phone or not, he can get a burner phone or contact her many other ways, so going through his phone won't really answer your questions about the state of your marriage.

[inamess8]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

Are you trying to get inside the mind of a cheater? Aka your spouse? 

no. I'm asking as me.

[inamess8]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Has your partner kept the details of his affair partner? Are you going through his phone?

Does he know you know? Is he still lying about it?

You need to speak with him directly about why he has this contact info in his phone.

Keep in mind whether you find this stuff on his phone or not, he can get a burner phone or contact her many other ways, so going through his phone won't really answer your questions about the state of your marriage.

I am the one who is having the affair.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, inamess8 said:

would you delete the contact details of your ap? If you kept them, why would you keep them?

If you are talking about you, then you would have the answer to this, no?

[inamess8]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you are talking about you, then you would have the answer to this, no?

I wouldn't be on here if I knew this answer. I genuinely don't know what to do.

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, inamess8 said:

I wouldn't be on here if I knew this answer. I genuinely don't know what to do.

What would you expect your spouse to do?

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, inamess8 said:

would you delete the contact details of your ap? If you kept them, why would you keep them?

You need to ask your husband about why he still has the contact details on his phone and keep in mind that "it would hurt her feelings if I deleted her" is not a good answer.

Also keep in mind that there's a plethora of ways your husband can contact her without the info you found on his phone. Also if he deletes it every time you find it then re-adds it, then he really doesn't care or respect your marriage and it's just a cat-and-mouse guessing game of why he keeps her around and if they are still actively in the affair.

[inamess8]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to ask your husband about why he still has the contact details on his phone and keep in mind that "it would hurt her feelings if I deleted her" is not a good answer.

Also keep in mind that there's a plethora of ways your husband can contact her without the info you found on his phone. Also if he deletes it every time you find it then re-adds it, then he really doesn't care or respect your marriage and it's just a cat-and-mouse guessing game of why he keeps her around and if they are still actively in the affair.

I am the one who is having the affair.

[inamess8]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What would you expect your spouse to do?

I'd think that if it was kept, she wasn't interested in our marriage and if it was over between them, there would be no reason for it to be there

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, inamess8 said:

if it was over between them, there would be no reason for it to be there

So do you think it's over?

[inamess8]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

So do you think it's over?

you aren't following me. please stop responding unless you're going to help me with my situation.

[BaileyB]

50 minutes ago, inamess8 said:

I'd think that if it was kept, she wasn't interested in our marriage and if it was over between them, there would be no reason for it to be there

That’s what I would think. What do you plan to do? 

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, inamess8 said:

you aren't following me. please stop responding unless you're going to help me with my situation.

To be fair, you are basically speaking in code. If you want good advice, you should not post post vague questions… 

Edited August 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

Keeping the contact info constitutes a certain level of risk - e.g. if there were a Dday, your partner could confirm that you did indeed have their contact info.

Given that, the only real reason to keep the contact info would be in case you felt there was some reason to contact them again.

If they have NOTHING to do with your life except as AP, then there would be no other possible reason than "for possible future reference" i.e. reconnecting with them in hopes of restarting the affair or possibly simply "checking in on them" as a friend. Just friendship/touch base probably isn't worth that risk, so one would conclude potential for restarting the affair one day.

If they are involved in your life for some other reason (e.g. you work with them or they are some other social contact) then there could in theory be legitimate reasons to keep their contact info.

[introverted1]

OP, are you asking why *you* are keeping your former AP's contact information, or are you asking why your former AP is keeping your contact info?

[inamess8]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

To be fair, you are basically speaking in code. If you want good advice, you should not post post vague questions… 

OK - I am having an affair. I have never had an affair before and I want to know what other people would do if they were in my shoes. Her contact details are hidden under another name in my phone. If it was over with the woman I am having an affair with whether its because I want to sort out my marriage/there is someone's, would I delete their number?

[inamess8]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

OP, are you asking why *you* are keeping your former AP's contact information, or are you asking why your former AP is keeping your contact info?

apologies, I'm asking why I am keeping former ap contact details.

[introverted1]

2 minutes ago, inamess8 said:

apologies, I'm asking why I am keeping former ap contact details.

I'd assume you know the answer to this.

Most likely is that you don't want to close the door permanently.  As long as you keep the contact details, there is the possibility of reaching out in the future.

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, inamess8 said:

I'm asking why I am keeping former ap contact details.

I agree with the answer above.

It’s pretty obvious why this won’t fly with your spouse… don’t you think? 

Edited August 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[pepperbird2]

19 minutes ago, inamess8 said:

apologies, I'm asking why I am keeping former ap contact details.

I promise I'm not tying to be rude when I say this, but if you don't know why you do what you do, maybe it would be good for you to speak with a counsellor to help you better understand yourself.

[inamess8]

Just now, pepperbird2 said:

I promise I'm not tying to be rude when I say this, but if you don't know why you do what you do, maybe it would be good for you to speak with a counsellor to help you better understand yourself.

I'm asking what other people would do.

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, inamess8 said:

I'm asking what other people would do.

Which is why I asked - what would your spouse want you to do? This person is the most important “other person,” correct? Do you have the ability to consider the situation from her perspective? What is the kind and fair thing to do - for her? 

How would you feel if she had an affair and you discovered the contact information of her former affair partner secretly hidden on her phone?  Would that be acceptable to you?

Most spouses, after an affair is discovered, would demand that their spouse go no contact and lose the contact information of their former affair partner. That is a very common request. 

Whether the individual having the affair does this or not is always interesting, because it demonstrates priorities, remorse, and a willingness or lack there of to recommit to the marriage. 

If I discovered my partner had an affair and they purposefully decided to keep and hide the contact information of their affair partner after the affair had ended, it would be immediate cause for divorce. That, to me, is a purposeful decision to deceive. One can not recommit to the relationship, be transparent, honest, and trustworthy - and hide the contact information of their affair partner. 

Edited August 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Let’s say an individual has abused drugs, gone to treatment, and is now drug free. BUT, you discover that they have the contact information of their former drug deal secretly hidden under another name on their phone. What does that say to you about the individual’s commitment to sobriety?

Edited August 4, 2021 by BaileyB