I love my girlfriend, but I'm breaking up because of her past.

[lostmanfrombr]

Well, this is going to be a relatively long story. I apologise for the grammar issues - EN is not my first language.

 

I am a 34 man and was married for 7 years before divorcing a couple months ago. She was a very honest woman, I would trust her blindly in all aspects of life - from cheating to money. However, we were emotionally and intellectually distant. We never shared too many interests, never had much to talk about (when we use to go to restaurants, we'd just stare at nothing waiting for the food) and sex was kind of warm. We rarely had sex, and I am a high libido person. Very often I would try to initiate sex and she would just come up with excuses like "I'm tired" or "I have to go to class". In our 9 years together (7 married, 2 dating), she probably initiated sex only once.

 

During our marriage, I was the only one home that worked. I provided everything - I bought the house and all the furniture, paid all the bills, paid her tuition to study (she majored in Business but never even tried to find a job) and even helped her family with some bills.

 

I always worked from home, so we would stay all day together, in the same house, but barely talking. I know this hurt our relationship even more, because, when two people stay together for too long, eventually they'll argue for something silly. Basically, every day I would wake up very early, work from 6am to about 10 pm, and while she would wake up later, prepare launch, sleep in the afternoon. Not only I provided money, but I also had to go myself pay the bills, because she wouldn't do that.

 

Once she went to a doctor appointment in a different city. The bus had a problem and she was on the road for 1 hour waiting for the repair. She got home around 4pm and went to the office; I asked her how things were and she was in a bad mood. Then, I asked if she could bring me a glass of water and she was very mad at me. You see, I had been working since 6am that day. All she did was take a bus to go to a doctor. Seems like a small thing, but really hurt me how ungrateful she was.

 

I used to tell her to study something, start a new hobby - learn a new language, a music instrument, anything so that we could have something to talk to. And she just wouldn't do it. We would argue over this often, and she used to say she wasn't interested in anything.

 

So fast forward a couple years, we have a kid (3M), which I love more than anyone in the world. As our son was born, she started going to her mother's home often, in a different city, and spent a couple days so her mother could help her - even though I paid someone to clean the house every couple days so she wouldn't have to worry about anything but our kid. Basically, I let her be a mom full time, not having to work about cleaning the house or even cooking. I know taking care of a kid is not easy, but I think it's a little "less difficult" if you don't have to work, to listen to a boss being rude with you all day and feeling the pressure of having to pay rent or other bills.

 

In hindsight, I think what made our relationship last so long was that I trusted her. Yes, life sucked, but at least I didn't have to worry about someone cheating on me. 

 

As this became frequent, I started noticing I didn't really miss her around, that I felt free while she wasn't home. I mean, really free. As soon as she was out, I literally felt like an ex-con leaving prison. So we ended up divorcing. I gave her everything that we had, bought her a car that costs 4x times as much as mine (because I wanted them both to be safe), sold some collections I had and spare no expenses so they can have a confortable and happy life. I admire her, because she was with me when I was poor, and I want her to enjoy everything I manage to accomplish.

 

 

A couple months later I met a 30 year old woman. She is also divorced, has a 6 year old daughter. We really get along. We have a lot in common, talk about many things, have a very active sexual life and share similar goals. She works a lot, is very kind to her parents, sister, daughter and nephew. Sounds perfect, doesn't it? Well, I am an insecure man. And she told me everything about her past. According to her, she was in an abusive marriage, where her husband used to be aggressive, wouldn't touch her and stole her money (this last part I confirmed with some relatives). She told me that, in the end of their relationship, she cheated on him a couple times.

 

This broke my heart, as being faithful is the most important thing in marriage for me - and that's why mine lasted so long despite all our problems. In addition to that, she also told me many details from her partners, and that makes me really sad as I compared myself to them. She always says I'm the best lover and the person she loves the most after her daughter, but, hey, all women say that, right? Another thing that bothers me is that, whenever we go out, I'm always the one that pays for everything. Yes, she told me she is in a difficult financial situation after the divorce and some business that went south, but she could at least offer to pay sometimes. I never let a girl pay for a date, but this just makes me think bad of her.

 

It breaks my heart feeling this, because I really feel she is special to me. It's not a teenage passion, I've dated lots of girls and everything with her is different. It's painful to love someone so much and not being able to accept something she did. I know I'm probably being a dick in feeling like this for something she did in the past, but I just can't control my feelings. For instance, I just cant seem to respect women who have one night stands: why do I, as a boyfriend, have to be polite, attentive, caring and so on, if the other guy didn't do a thing to get sex? It makes no sense to me.

 

Right now, I really miss my kid, I miss having him around everyday, wishing him good morning, playing with him. Being to close to my gf's daughter every day just reminds even more of him, and makes me sader. My son currently lives in a close city, and I can only see him on weekends. When I think about my current girlfriend, I feel very sad and guilty, as if I'm giving up my son for a woman that doesn't even deserve my trust, so I'm considering making up with my ex-wife (she wants to), just to be close to him.

 

So I have two options: keep the relationship with her, live in anxiety for her past and missing my son; or break up, see my son grow up and have a boring romantic/sexual life with my ex (and miss my gf a lot).

 

I would really love to hear any opinions. This has been torturing me for weeks.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

[elaine567]

Go back to your wife and see your son every day...

[lostmanfrombr]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Go back to your wife and see your son every day...

Thanks for reading and posting. May I ask you to elaborate your reasons?

[elaine567]

Just now, lostmanfrombr said:

Thanks for reading and posting. May I ask you to elaborate your reasons?

Kids are important and you can never really recreate them growing up, if you happen to have missed it.
Sex vs your son - no brainer IMO.

[d0nnivain]

I agree that you need to try to patch things up with your EX-W.  You don't necessarily have to remarry but you do need to do something so you see your son more. 

Let the GF go.  You will always think less of her for a variety of reasons.  I don't agree with your reasons but they are yours.  Eventually they will poison the dating relationship.  You need to date somebody you respect & she is entitled to date a man who doesn't judge her.  

[glows]

Has it ever occurred to you that neither of them are a good choice? Figure out custody of your son. Do not stay in a loveless or sexless relationship for the sake of a child. 

The gf is not compatible with you at all and it sounds like she likes to talk (all about her exes) which of course would lead you to wonder where you stand. You also do not respect her. That's a recipe for disaster. 

Edited August 4, 2021 by glows

[Sun Seeker]

Voce Brasileiro?

Definitely do NOT get back into a relationship with your ex wife. Sure be on good terms with her so you can see your son more often, but that's it. Your marriage ended for a reason. Never get back with an ex.

As for your current girlfriend.. I think you already know the answer. You are settling. She might have a number of good qualities, but you know she is not the 'one'.

End things with her and keep looking. You will find someone with all the qualities you are looking for, who does not cheat, and who values their body to not just give it up to anyone.

[lostmanfrombr]

49 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

Voce Brasileiro?

Definitely do NOT get back into a relationship with your ex wife. Sure be on good terms with her so you can see your son more often, but that's it. Your marriage ended for a reason. Never get back with an ex.

As for your current girlfriend.. I think you already know the answer. You are settling. She might have a number of good qualities, but you know she is not the 'one'.

End things with her and keep looking. You will find someone with all the qualities you are looking for, who does not cheat, and who values their body to not just give it up to anyone.

 

Sou sim, I'm from MG.

 

Thanks everyone for all your replies. I truly appreciate it.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lostmanfrombr said:

so I'm considering making up with my ex-wife (she wants to), just to be close to hi

Sorry this is happening. You are not ready to date and beating this woman up for being honest and a past she can't change is just fault-finding because of your own divorce issues, problems with your ex-wife, custody etc.

Even though you are undecided, hurting, raw etc., it doesn't give you a license to careen recklessly  through others lives and pick them apart.

[lostmanfrombr]

I think I'll go ahead and talk to her today.

 

Should I open up and tell that her past is one of the reasons, for the sake of being honest, or not, to avoid hurting her? I already tried to break up a couple weeks ago and she cried a lot.

[d0nnivain]

Just now, lostmanfrombr said:

Should I open up and tell that her past is one of the reasons, for the sake of being honest, or not, to avoid hurting her? I already tried to break up a couple weeks ago and she cried a lot.

Oh heavens no!  Telling her that you are breaking up with her because of her past is akin to calling her the 4 letter S word meaning promiscuous to her face.  It would be highly insulting & mean.  

Just tell her the relationship isn't working for you.  You can tell her you are thinking about going back to your wife.  It is true that you are thinking about it, even though that is not the best idea either.  Be firm.  Make sure she understands it's over & no amount of tears will change that but do be kind when you break the bad news.   Leave her some diginity.  

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, lostmanfrombr said:

Should I open up and tell that her past is one of the reasons, for the sake of being honest, or not, to avoid hurting her? I already tried to break up a couple weeks ago and she cried a lot.

No. The real reason is your own confusion, recent divorce and grieving, so be honest and own that . Tell your you're not ready to date. That is the truth . Why make up a lie just to hurt someone when it's you that's the problem?

[glows]

No, don't bring up her past or nitpick her if you're breaking up with her. You can say you're not compatible or you don't see this continuing any further. 

The point is that you don't run hot/cold or on/off with this relationship or drag it out longer than it needs to be. Be resolute and firm about it being over.  It's not working out.

[Sun Seeker]

11 minutes ago, lostmanfrombr said:

 

Sou sim, I'm from MG.

 

Thanks everyone for all your replies. I truly appreciate it.

Ahh Minas, I have a lot of memories from there. One of my x namoradas was from Belo Horizonte... I stayed there with her for a few months.. interesting times. Loved going to the Clasico. Zeeeerroooo! 

Anyway back on topic 😝

[DKT3]

New relationship is irrelevant because you're not ready. 90% of the post was about your Ex. 

[stillafool]

If you go back to your wife insist on changes.

[Interstellar]

Be as close to your son as possible. I’m more concerned that the gf stayed in an abusive relationship. Drop the ex-gf.

Edited August 4, 2021 by Interstellar

[spiderowl]

2 hours ago, lostmanfrombr said:

I think I'll go ahead and talk to her today.

 

Should I open up and tell that her past is one of the reasons, for the sake of being honest, or not, to avoid hurting her? I already tried to break up a couple weeks ago and she cried a lot.

I think she deserves honesty.  If someone breaks up with you and leaves out the most important cause of the break-up, it is bound to be utterly confusing. People need to understand so that they have closure.  It might not be pretty but it is important for sanity.  Once she knows that you feel you cannot trust her because of her past infidelities, she will understand where you are coming from.  She may not like it but she will have her answer.  You will not be breaking up with her because you don't like her but because you don't trust her - and it is true, you do not trust her.  If she talks about exs in such a way that you feel threatened, then she is shooting herself in the foot.

Edited August 4, 2021 by spiderowl

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I think she deserves honesty.  If someone breaks up with you and leaves out the most important cause of the break-up, it is bound to be utterly confusing. People need to understand so that they have closure.  It might not be pretty but it is important for sanity.  Once she knows that you feel you cannot trust her because of her past infidelities, she will understand where you are coming from.  

@spiderowl I have to disagree with you.  Basically you are encouraging this guy to break up with this girl & call her a S**T -- the 2 middle letters are  L & U.  good gracious.  How on earth is insulting her productive?    

All he needs to do is say the present state of affairs is not working for him.   Specifics are only hurtful.  The OP is upset because the GF cheated in her marriage but the husband was abusive.  Granted leaving is a better option but if this poor woman was used a a physical or emotional punching bag, who the heck are we to judge her for finding comfort elsewhere?  She really doesn't need somebody else's judgmental crap making her feel worse about what was probably a horrible time in her life. 

She will already be hurt when she gets dumped.  There is no need to rub salt in her wound.  She could have been the world's most perfect partner but @lostmanfrombr would still be running back to his EX-W.   

[spiderowl]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

@spiderowl I have to disagree with you.  Basically you are encouraging this guy to break up with this girl & call her a S**T -- the 2 middle letters are  L & U.  good gracious.  How on earth is insulting her productive?    

All he needs to do is say the present state of affairs is not working for him.   Specifics are only hurtful.  The OP is upset because the GF cheated in her marriage but the husband was abusive.  Granted leaving is a better option but if this poor woman was used a a physical or emotional punching bag, who the heck are we to judge her for finding comfort elsewhere?  She really doesn't need somebody else's judgmental crap making her feel worse about what was probably a horrible time in her life. 

She will already be hurt when she gets dumped.  There is no need to rub salt in her wound.  She could have been the world's most perfect partner but @lostmanfrombr would still be running back to his EX-W.   

dOnnivain, I wasn't for one minute saying he should judge this woman.  I agree with you that she cheated but she was with an abuser so goodness knows what she has been through.  I am not judging her in the slightest.  The OP feels insecure with her because of her history; that is not likely to change so she might as well know and the OP might at least be honest.  I think she deserves to know what the OP has been thinking all this time, rather than being utterly confused about why he is breaking up with her.  I think it will be easier for her to bear than wondering what on earth went wrong.  She has no reason to judge herself.

It tells her that OP judged her and that he can't get over this as the reason for the break-up - maybe she needs to know this?

OP, I think you ought to bear in mind that your ex wife might not be ready and waiting to welcome you back.  You cannot make assumptions about this because you chose to end the marriage.  Perhaps it would be better for you to be honest with your present partner about your insecurities so that she can reassure you?

[elaine567]

 

4 hours ago, spiderowl said:

OP, I think you ought to bear in mind that your ex wife might not be ready and waiting to welcome you back. 

She wants to make up with him.

12 hours ago, lostmanfrombr said:

, so I'm considering making up with my ex-wife (she wants to), just to be close to him.

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, spiderowl said:

  She has no reason to judge herself.

BUT she will, and it will no doubt affect her dating life. going forward. Not going to do much for her self esteem.
 "Sorry dear, you are just too sl*tty for me, so I am going back to my more trustworthy ex wife..."
She can't change her past, she was honest and it would  now be punishing her for something she cannot do anything about.
It may satisfy the more judgemental of us, "She is getting her just desserts", but really???

[d0nnivain]

8 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I think it will be easier for her to bear than wondering what on earth went wrong.  She has no reason to judge herself.

No it won't.  Her abusive marriage was probably the worst time of her life.  To have this guy, the OP, throw that back in her face now as the reason he's breaking up with her will open an old wound.  It's just mean.  

@lostmanfrombr  It's your life & your choice.  But I am advocating compassion here.  Don't rub salt in the wound you will cause when you break up with her.  Brutal honesty is just that brutal. Be nicer than that.  Go back to the clichés: this just isn't working for me; I thought I was ready to move on but I find myself thinking about my EX-W.  Leave your stbxgf some dignity.  

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, lostmanfrombr said:

So I have two options: keep the relationship with her, live in anxiety for her past and missing my son; or break up, see my son grow up and have a boring romantic/sexual life with my ex (and miss my gf a lot).

What about the obvious third option: 

Stay single for a while. Be open to meeting someone who is genuinely compatible with you. Neither of these two women is, but it doesn't mean you will never have other options. 

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, lostmanfrombr said:

I already tried to break up a couple weeks ago and she cried a lot.

And what was the reason you cited then, and why didn't your stick to your decision?