I love my girlfriend, but I'm breaking up because of her past.

[lostmanfrombr]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what was the reason you cited then, and why didn't your stick to your decision? 

 

I said that, even though I loved her, we weren't that compatible, and some things were bothering me. She cried a lot, insisted in knowing what was going on, if she had done something wrong. She said that losing me would be the greatest disappointment of her life, "even bigger than broken businesses and a failed marriage before 30".

 

I couldn't stick to my decision because I just can't see people crying. I always try to do everything I can in order to help them. If I'm the one causing pain, I'll just stop immediately - even if that means hurting myself. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, lostmanfrombr said:

I couldn't stick to my decision because I just can't see people crying. I always try to do everything I can in order to help them. If I'm the one causing pain, I'll just stop immediately - even if that means hurting myself. 

You don't have to hurt yourself or anyone else.

As a general rule use the "it's me, not you" approach to ending things.

It keeps the responsibility on you. It's cliché, but it's better than  a laundry list of complaints.

The added bonus is that it's bulletproof because there's no pleading, negotiating, etc.

[spiderowl]

11 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

No it won't.  Her abusive marriage was probably the worst time of her life.  To have this guy, the OP, throw that back in her face now as the reason he's breaking up with her will open an old wound.  It's just mean.  

@lostmanfrombr  It's your life & your choice.  But I am advocating compassion here.  Don't rub salt in the wound you will cause when you break up with her.  Brutal honesty is just that brutal. Be nicer than that.  Go back to the clichés: this just isn't working for me; I thought I was ready to move on but I find myself thinking about my EX-W.  Leave your stbxgf some dignity.  

Personally, I have found that not understanding why a break-up happened was more harmful to me than knowing.  At least I could understand where he was coming from and decide for myself whether I agreed with his judgement of me or not.  You are assuming she will judge herself negatively, whereas she might just think - hey, he knows nothing about what I was dealing with at the time and he is being very judgemental.  Maybe I'm better off out of this relationship!

Whatever is best, I would never suggest the OP do anything to hurt her.  He is hurting her at the moment by not disclosing his insecurities.

[heavenonearth]

Can't believe that not more people have mentioned this, but... judging this poor woman for cheating towards the end of an abusive marriage is so awful! It makes me so sad for her, that you are judging her like this. I, too, was in an abusive marriage from age 19-23 and it was the worst time of my life. I also cheated towards the end bc I was scared to leave but also wanted to just feel some sort of comfort. My ex threatened to KILL ME if I leave him! There was no chance to leave. It was absolute horror. So please, whatever you do, do NOT judge this woman for what she did during her abusive marriage. It is absolutely shameful to do so. I have never cheated on another partner since and I never would! I think that your own insecurities overwhelm here, and this is on you, not on her. To trust someone, you should focus on their actions in the current relationship you are in. I think it is commendable that your gf has been honest about her past. And she seems to really love you. I think, to be honest, that you should break up with her, so she can be with someone who values her for the loving person that she is.

And I also think you should not go back to your ex wife, bc she, too, deserves someone who will value her for who she is.

I would recommend you stay single for a while, try to focus on your bond with your son and not look for another relationship. Work on yourself and your insecurities, try to reflect and perhaps in the coming years there will be someone coming your way that fits with you in the way that neither of the women you talked about has fit.

Good luck!

[lostmanfrombr]

30 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

Can't believe that not more people have mentioned this, but... judging this poor woman for cheating towards the end of an abusive marriage is so awful! It makes me so sad for her, that you are judging her like this. I, too, was in an abusive marriage from age 19-23 and it was the worst time of my life. I also cheated towards the end bc I was scared to leave but also wanted to just feel some sort of comfort. My ex threatened to KILL ME if I leave him! There was no chance to leave. It was absolute horror. So please, whatever you do, do NOT judge this woman for what she did during her abusive marriage. It is absolutely shameful to do so. I have never cheated on another partner since and I never would! I think that your own insecurities overwhelm here, and this is on you, not on her. To trust someone, you should focus on their actions in the current relationship you are in. I think it is commendable that your gf has been honest about her past. And she seems to really love you. I think, to be honest, that you should break up with her, so she can be with someone who values her for the loving person that she is.

And I also think you should not go back to your ex wife, bc she, too, deserves someone who will value her for who she is.

I would recommend you stay single for a while, try to focus on your bond with your son and not look for another relationship. Work on yourself and your insecurities, try to reflect and perhaps in the coming years there will be someone coming your way that fits with you in the way that neither of the women you talked about has fit.

Good luck!

Now this is something I don’t understand and I’d like to take the opportunity to ask you  

 

you said you were in an abusive and violent relationship. And you cheated. So you are telling me you were afraid to leave, but you were not afraid to cheat? Imagine what a violent partner would do if he finds out he is a cuckold?

 

can you elaborate on that? It’s something I talked about her to her and I just can’t seem to understand 

 

 

[heavenonearth]

2 minutes ago, lostmanfrombr said:

Now this is something I don’t understand and I’d like to take the opportunity to ask you  

 

you said you were in an abusive and violent relationship. And you cheated. So you are telling me you were afraid to leave, but you were not afraid to cheat? Imagine what a violent partner would do if he finds out he is a cuckold?

 

can you elaborate on that? It’s something I talked about her to her and I just can’t seem to understand 

 

 

I do not think it is fair to criticise or question or even rationalize the actions of a woman in an abusive relationship. It would be like asking a person who is being kidnapped and locked in a basement "so why were you trying to eat some of that sandwich he prepared for himself while your abductor was gone for an hour" (weird example, I know). But it is SOMETHING. ANYTHING in a moment of desperation. ANYTHING to get some air to breathe. ANYTHING to feel alive. As with the comparison of trying to eat the sandwich: It almost becomes something that is necessary for survival.

I don't think anyone can understand until they are in a situation like this themselves. It is an absolute horror. Being in an abusive marriage/relationship is making you feel worthless. Having someone tell you every day that nobody likes you, that you are not worth anything, that you will never find someone like him, no one will ever love you like him, etc etc. And that is just the verbal/mental aspect of it (leaving the physical part out of it bc I do not think it is allowed to talk about on loveshack?). It goes on and on. You stop believing in yourself. You start to believe everything your abuser tells you. An abuser talks their partner down so they can feel better about themselves. An abuser has low self-esteem and too big of an ego. Awful combination. As a victim of abuse, you do anything you can to escape, without actually being able to leave the relationship for good. You try your best to find meaning for yourself, regain some agency.

I would advise to not question her actions ever again. It is cruel to do so. It makes sense to maybe talk about it if she feels like talking about it, and it is ok to ask non judgmental questions, if she offers some of her background. But to criticise or question or judge her actions is not ok! That borders on victim blaming.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, lostmanfrombr said:

I couldn't stick to my decision because I just can't see people crying. I always try to do everything I can in order to help them. If I'm the one causing pain, I'll just stop immediately - even if that means hurting myself. 

You're ultimtately hurting her too, by staying when you don't really want to. 

 

[FMW]

Tell her the truth and she'll likely be able to accept the breakup much more easily.  I doubt she would want to stay with someone she knew had such a strong negative judgment of her.

[lostmanfrombr]

9 hours ago, FMW said:

Tell her the truth and she'll likely be able to accept the breakup much more easily.  I doubt she would want to stay with someone she knew had such a strong negative judgment of her.

 

She does. She says she "will change me".

[FMW]

15 minutes ago, lostmanfrombr said:

 

She does. She says she "will change me".

Yikes.  That alone makes me sure you should break it off.

[Noproblem]

Lol, you judge an abused damaged woman for cheating even though she showed you she is an amazing person with you but you selfishly  showed her that guys not be trusted and love again. Thank you!

Well, then go back to your faithful wife that you feel should be grateful for you spending money on her! ! How strange, she shouldn't be grateful you spend money on her, because money is not everything. 

You have a superiority complex and think you are better than your ex-wife because you spent money on her! 

and also now you think your wife who married a perfect guy who bought her everything and didn't cheat is better than your gf who married a trashy guy who abused her constantly and cheated!

My advice is to leave both women

Your wife had to live in a loveless marriage for too long with you 

and 

your gf will get nothing but disrespect from you!

 

 

Edited August 11, 2021 by Noproblem

[IrinaM]

Agree with @Noproblemyou have a huge superiority problem with women in your life. I had to skim over the story with your ex-wife, but as I understand you worked 14 hour days, every day, which is just short of 100 hours/week. While she never worked. You also paid someone to clean your home every couple of days because she wouldn't clean. She contributed nothing to your home or your marriage and you didn't even get to have an enjoyable sex life. You bought her a car that costs 4x what your car costs. Is that correct?

Now you have a girlfriend who is also unworthy of you due to her lack of virtue. You tried to break up with her, but when she cried you relented and now you are trapped. This is because you are such a nice person that when someone cries you give them whatever they want, your empathic nature is that strong. Is that correct?

You obviously don't respect either one of these women, so it doesn't really matter who you date, you don't respect or value them. Do you feel you are respectful of women generally?

Your comments about women in abusive relationships are incredibly self-righteous and show a complete lack of insight into what an abusive relationship is like.

[lostmanfrombr]

On 8/12/2021 at 2:28 AM, IrinaM said:

Agree with @Noproblemyou have a huge superiority problem with women in your life. I had to skim over the story with your ex-wife, but as I understand you worked 14 hour days, every day, which is just short of 100 hours/week. While she never worked. You also paid someone to clean your home every couple of days because she wouldn't clean. She contributed nothing to your home or your marriage and you didn't even get to have an enjoyable sex life. You bought her a car that costs 4x what your car costs. Is that correct?

Now you have a girlfriend who is also unworthy of you due to her lack of virtue. You tried to break up with her, but when she cried you relented and now you are trapped. This is because you are such a nice person that when someone cries you give them whatever they want, your empathic nature is that strong. Is that correct?

You obviously don't respect either one of these women, so it doesn't really matter who you date, you don't respect or value them. Do you feel you are respectful of women generally?

Your comments about women in abusive relationships are incredibly self-righteous and show a complete lack of insight into what an abusive relationship is like.

 

We may have different views then. And I'd like you to elaborate on that.

 

So, yes, I spent a lot of money on her. Money and time, which is unvaluable. I did everything for her, I made every possible effort to make her feel good with me and it never worked. She was indifferent, cold. A very honest and trustworthy woman, but ultimately cold and ungrateful. Asking people to be grateful for what you've done for them is "having a feeling of superiority"?

 

About the girlfriend, why can't I judge her? It makes no sense to me how someone is afraid of leaving an abusive marriage but not afraid of cheating. No sense at all. It's like saying: "I'm afraid of swimming in the pool but I'll totally deep dive with sharks". You're afraid of someone beating you because you didn't cook dinner but you're not afraid of his reaction when you do something 100 times worse (f*** someone else)? How does that make the slight sense?

 

I'd really like you to change my mind, because this is consuming my health over the last weeks. 

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, lostmanfrombr said:

It makes no sense to me how someone is afraid of leaving an abusive marriage but not afraid of cheating.

I have never been in an abusive relationship nor have I ever cheated but I guess I always assumed the rationalization was that if you try to leave the abuser, the abuser will automatically know & that will cause the abuser to react.  Whereas with cheating 1).  the victim is casting about trying to find somebody to help pull them out of the abusive situation and 2).  the very nature of cheating is that it is hidden.  The abuser doesn't know & therefore doesn't react.  

You are right that when the abusive person finds out about the cheating that will trigger the abuser & things may get worse, but somebody who is being brutalized doesn't always think clearly.  They also have self esteem issues which prevent them from taking action to help themselves.  It's a complex process & a vicious cycle.  

[spiderowl]

I can understand your worries about your girlfriend, OP.  Knowing that someone cheated in their past, whatever the circumstances, is not easy to forget.

Having said the above, it seems to me that you threw everything at the first woman, everything, and she was cold and uninterested.  The second woman is loving and responsive.

Could it be that you desire the first one simply because she wasn't easily pleased?  Maybe you respect her more because she was cold with you and that forced you to take her more seriously if you wanted her?

Something to think about.  Just because someone seems harder to get, it doesn't make them nicer, better or more morally upstanding.  It just makes them cold and indifferent.  It is a natural instinct (for some reason) to want what we have to make an effort for.  You need to be sure that you are not turning your new woman down because she was not as cold and indifferent as your first.

[assertives]

On 8/16/2021 at 6:40 AM, lostmanfrombr said:

About the girlfriend, why can't I judge her? It makes no sense to me how someone is afraid of leaving an abusive marriage but not afraid of cheating. No sense at all.

The phrase don't judge what you can't understand comes to mind. Just like what is happening in Afghanistan now, we see in the news how so many tried to climb on the plane before it takes off in a desperate attempt to leave the country. Now we can sit in the comfort of our homes and remark how stupid that is, don't they know it's not safe and that they will fall to their deaths all that. But we will never be able to understand the depth of the desperation that drives them to do it. I saw someone commented how it's like asking them to choose how they want to die.

If you have never been in a violent and abusive relationship before, you would not even begin to be able to understand the dynamics in one. It doesn't always make sense to an outsider. Now all that said, nobody owes anybody a relationship, if you are not comfortable with her past, you don't owe her a relationship. But you owe it to her to be true to your own feelings about the relationship. Don't stay because she cried. And also, don't use her past against her.