BreannaDt Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 (edited) So I am 25F and recently became "exclusive" with a very sweet, nice guy. He has only had 1 relationship in the past and it was with his high school sweetheart. I have never had a serious relationship in my life. I have slept with 4 other men in the past (not a crazy number, but still, more than him) and I deeply regret each and every one of them. I had really low self esteem in my early 20s and sought out validation from men who only used me for sex. The last man I slept with messed me up so bad it deterred me from dating for years. In short, he lied to me about his age, pressured me into doing things I wasn't comfortable with (unprotected sex, filming us during sex) and all around messed me up mentally. Following him, I briefly posted nudes (without my face of course) on the internet for validation and attention. I had a "Come to Jesus" moment and completely nuked my account, but I'm still afraid it will come back to haunt me. I have never told anyone this. In real life I give off a quiet, bookish, "good girl" vibe and I don't think ANYBODY in my life will suspect me of having done these things. I am consumed by shame and I don't think I can ever tell my new significant other about that time in my life, many years ago. I am afraid he will judge me and get scared and run away. Is it an obligation for me to tell him about my "past" in detail? Or can I just be vague? Is that considered lying by omission? Edited August 5, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
Wiseman2 Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 Never discuss your personal past. It's TMI. Be brief and cursory. You're too old for truth or dare teen slumber party games If anyone starts prying too much or asking too much, it's a red flag. It's also a red flag when someone offers TMI. Remember. Anything you say can and will be used against you. Use dignity and self respect when it comes to discussing previous dating situations. 4 1
glows Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 Let go of your past. You’re still shadowed and your self-esteem is low. You are still seeking validation. You do not need that from a partner. He either accepts you or he does not just as you are for who you are now, today. What you choose to share in a relationship is at your discretion. Hold on that validation-seeking. Focus on evaluating and seeing whether this man deserves to be in your life. Go from there. 1
elaine567 Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 Don't say anything. Men don't like it. Their egos are fragile and many will be very judgemental or delegate you to the "for sex only" pile. Maintain your good girl image as that is who you are now. 2 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 No, you don't need to share these details with him. Everyone has a past. Including him. There might be more that he's elected not to share, simply because it isn't relevant. It's who we are now that matters most. You're confusing lying by omission with having an appropriate filter. If these things are not going to affect your current relationship with him, it's not important. There are far more scanadlous and serious issues that would warrant a revelation to a partner - what you describe isn't really one of them. The issue seems to be that you continue to struggle with your own insecurities and shame. That is where you should address your attention and not make it his burden to bear. It would do more harm than good to reveal all these TMI details to him. 1
Alpacalia Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 (edited) Good question. I think if it has no bearing on your current relationship then there isn't a need to disclose each and every detail. No? 4 hours ago, BreannaDt said: I am consumed by shame and I don't think I can ever tell my new significant other about that time in my life, many years ago. I am afraid he will judge me and get scared and run away. Maybe consider why you want to tell him. If you tell him about things you've done that you feel "shame" over, it's kind of like lifting whatever guilt you may feel over it from your shoulders and laying it on him. Your boyfriend is not part of your past. Edited August 5, 2021 by Alpaca
Blind-Sided Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 (edited) I agree with @Wiseman2. Don't say anything. Most relationships work out better if you don't talk about them. OK... in my case... I'm older, and have kids... and my exW is part of my life because of the kids... so I have to talk about some of that. But it's not like I would tell my GF about my relationships from when I was younger. If you search around... there are a bunch of threads here on how good a relationship was... UNTILL... they talked about their past. Edited August 5, 2021 by Blind-Sided 2
d0nnivain Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, BreannaDt said: Is it an obligation for me to tell him about my "past" in detail? Or can I just be vague? Is that considered lying by omission? You have an obligation to yourself to tell him NOTHING! Keep your mouth shut. Do not volunteer anything. A new SO is not a therapist. Don't unburden yourself by dumping every bad decision you ever made & ever insecurity on him. If you are asked a direct Q answer honestly but as narrowly as possible. NEVER give specifics! It's not lying by omission. It's nobody else's freaking business. If he asks about your past the correct answer is I was not a virgin when I met you. When I was younger I was pressured into certain sexual things I wasn't comfortable with. I was young, naïve & impressionable. I wish I had been stronger but that is behind me now. Live & learn, right? Then you change the subject. If he follows up with "What did you do?" & presses for specifics you put him off. "I didn't do anything that could adversely affect your health. [ @BreannaDt -- the answer assumes you have had a complete STD work up & been negative after your unprotected sex] The rest of it just not something I'm comfortable talking about. Please respect that." If he still pushes you have to recognize that he is not someone who understands boundaries. At that point, me personally, I'd snap & say something sarcastic like "What part of 'it's none of your F'ing business' do you not understand?" Yes, that will most likely end the relationship but I have never been an open book so someone who can't respect that is not the guy for me. Edited August 5, 2021 by d0nnivain
Fox Sake Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 (edited) We are a product of our past experiences. They shape us , give our foibles and insecurities. You can’t hide these forever without it manifesting itself in other destructive ways. The right partner should be understanding of you. You shouldn’t feel any fear of sharing your past with them. At the end of the day, if someone will let your past dictate how they see you now, they aren’t for you. We all have a past. We have all done many things we aren’t proud of. We have all been through growing pains as we mature. you know, there’s an old saying Buddhism, “the truth sets you free”. Own it. you have no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed at anything you have done. You are the person you are now , and that sweet thoughtful kind person is a product of your past experiences that you have managed to get yourself through. You share what you’re comfortable sharing, but don’t let it consume you not to, out of fear. Edited August 5, 2021 by Fox Sake Spelllllingggg 1
Weezy1973 Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 4 hours ago, Alpaca said: If you tell him about things you've done that you feel "shame" over, it's kind of like lifting whatever guilt you may feel over it from your shoulders and laying it on him. There’s a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is thinking there’s something wrong with what you’ve done. Shame is thinking there’s something wrong with you for having done it. Guilt is fine and even healthy as we learn from our mistakes and accept that we’re human. OP these events seem to play a big part in how you think about yourself. That’s probably a place to start. Maybe discussing these things with a therapist and your self-image and feelings of self-worth. There’s no need to talk about them with your boyfriend. 1
Donnas Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 I think deep down we all know what to tell. Big events that changed you.Famaged you are relevant to tell. But I think only when I find that one soulmate or took time built trust and feel comfortable you start open up. You don't open up with who ever about sensitive stuff. And beside when there is a certain level of trust and friendship ,and u feel safe enough to, stuff comes up automatically sometimes,and you start sharing. That's why there should be a period of u getting to know people before having sex and make them it gf . Because maybe this person don't want a gf with that past. And in middle of the relationship after investing alot of time you tell them or it comes out. It can be seen as misleading. And some stuff can let people understand you better to after knowing your story. I think you know with who to open up with who not. And big stuff sure need to be discus early on. Some will come out what ever way. If his dating history is truth, I think he may wanna know this early on. But depends on the level of relationship and friendship you become open with people.
Donnas Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 *If you wanna share you can also share it without many details. And let him know it's all you can share cause it's sensitive.
Alpacalia Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said: There’s a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is thinking there’s something wrong with what you’ve done. Shame is thinking there’s something wrong with you for having done it. Guilt is fine and even healthy as we learn from our mistakes and accept that we’re human. OP these events seem to play a big part in how you think about yourself. That’s probably a place to start. Maybe discussing these things with a therapist and your self-image and feelings of self-worth. There’s no need to talk about them with your boyfriend. Ah. Yes, thanks for clarifying. That makes sense.
Happy Lemming Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 There are quite a few events in my past that I am taking to my grave. Even though, I have been with my present girlfriend almost 10 years, she does not know about all the "skeletons in my closet" and never will. And the same goes for her, I don't want to know about her "skeletons". We all have a past... leave it there. 4
Counterproductive88 Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 I would advise not divulging this information. At the same time, that is not to be confused with being dishonest. If he was to ask something point blank, I think it is your discretion to determine how to answer. I for one, believe honesty is key. I am on this forum due to something very specific that I struggle with, potentially a type of OCD called RetroActive Jealousy. Someone who struggles with RJ hyper focuses and ruminates on their partner's sexual past. It is extremely unhealthy and ultimately damaging. It has occurred in EVERY one of my relationships over the last decade. With that being said, I would not provide fuel for the fire. It's best to enjoy eachother and build on what you currently have. For what it's worth, 4 partners at the age of 25 is quite modest (at least where I live). For context, my girlfriend is 29 and she has had 7 partners (all relationships), which is also fairly modest, considering many who go off to university or go through a party phase rack up a much higher number. Don't dwell or beat yourself up on the past decisions you've made.
smackie9 Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 (edited) Myself there are things I haven't told my husband and don't plan on doing so, it's the past he was no part of. So let it go. Just remember you are not that person anymore and that's the best you can hope for. Edited August 5, 2021 by smackie9 1
kendahke Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 Only as it relates to STD's, children, criminal matters and your own marital status. The rest of it isn't anyone's business unless you decide to make it their business. 1
Alvi Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, BreannaDt said: He has only had 1 relationship in the past and it was with his high school sweetheart. Are you sure he is being completely honest with you? Perhaps he did only had one relationship, but how about one night stands, friends with benefits, short term relationships since that relationship ended? He might not be divulging much or anything about any of this to you. He is obviously out and about dating women (isn't it how and why the two of you met?). It's not improbable that he has experienced at least some of that. 10 hours ago, BreannaDt said: Is it an obligation for me to tell him about my "past" in detail? Or can I just be vague? Is that considered lying by omission? No, unless it's somehow affects him directly, you are not obligated to tell him anything. Only tell him what you are comfortable with. Being vague is not a bad thing. If your past haunts you, then perhaps discuss it with a phycologist. Edited August 5, 2021 by Alvi
SumGuy Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 10 hours ago, BreannaDt said: ... Is it an obligation for me to tell him about my "past" in detail? Or can I just be vague? Is that considered lying by omission? No. No obligation to share details, in fact it is inappropriate for him to ask. At some point if the relationship has been long enough and serious enough, yes...but then when you reach that point you will feel the trust and also it should not matter to him anyway then. So this is something that could well never see the light of day. Vague, some would even say number of partners is too specific, but generally a number such as 4 is low, even if more than him (so he must be 3 or less). Personally I think sharing how these guys sucked, pressured you and you felt used (no details though necessarily) may not be bad...especially how you swore off dating because of it. The general fear men have when their girlfriend has more partners is promiscuity (which is ridiculous and outdated)...you are not where near promiscuous...and how they compare to other men (that is they fear they are not as good)...which I am sure you can honestly tell him he is the best by far. It is not lying by omission, especially as he has no right to this information thus you not sharing it is within your rights and no negative inference can or should be made. Sure he may want to know it, but someone's subjective want does not override you right to privacy in these matters.
ThePhoenixStillRises Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 2 hours ago, Fox Sake said: We are a product of our past experiences. They shape us , give our foibles and insecurities. You can’t hide these forever without it manifesting itself in other destructive ways. The right partner should be understanding of you. You shouldn’t feel any fear of sharing your past with them. At the end of the day, if someone will let your past dictate how they see you now, they aren’t for you. We all have a past. We have all done many things we aren’t proud of. We have all been through growing pains as we mature. you know, there’s an old saying Buddhism, “the truth sets you free”. Own it. you have no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed at anything you have done. You are the person you are now , and that sweet thoughtful kind person is a product of your past experiences that you have managed to get yourself through. You share what you’re comfortable sharing, but don’t let it consume you not to, out of fear. Amen, @Fox Sake. Very well said and solid advice for the OP. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 (edited) No guy is ever going to know that from 2005-2007 all I did for recreational fun was play Everquest. I don’t see why your boyfriend has to know about this. Some things we take to our graves Edited August 5, 2021 by Cookiesandough 3
Shining One Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 I would advise you to disclose the things that have the potential to come back to bite you in the future. We've had a couple women post on this forum who had porn videos resurface and destroy their current relationships. It's better to find out now whether this will be a deal-breaker for him rather than later after you've both invested heavily into the relationship. 1
smackie9 Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 (edited) I think porn videos is extreme. Obviously anyone is going to want to know if the person they were dating was involved in prostitution, stripping or making porn. No different than a criminal record, drug addiction, sex change. But dating and having sex, there's nothing to really tell. If it's a dealbreaker, then they weren't the right person to begin with. Edited August 5, 2021 by smackie9
Shining One Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 36 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I think porn videos is extreme. Obviously anyone is going to want to know if the person they were dating was involved in prostitution, stripping or making porn. No different than a criminal record, drug addiction, sex change. But dating and having sex, there's nothing to really tell. She was filmed during sex and she posted nudes online. Those are the two things that could come back to her. I'm assuming there's no evidence from her other activities, so those are less important to disclose.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 5, 2021 Posted August 5, 2021 You tell him when you trust him with that information. In other words, might take you 20 years or 30 years before certain information is revealed. It's true: you can hide behind the good-girl image, but it's not hard for me to figure out that some of those shy good girls were targeted by predator guys and thus did lots of stuff that don't fit their image. Now the bigger issue is your shame. The shame you have will undermine a relationship faster than anything else. You need to get to therapy and/or abuse survivor's support group and drop that shame. You didn't kill anybody I assume. Shame ruins everything and the people who experience it are never the evil mass murderers that we wish would experience it.
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