What have I done?

[Not_Over]

K, this one is a little harder to confront, verses "self" problems that Ive been doing, but I think I would like to know.

 

("I'm sorry if this is out of line or rude")

 

I was the giver in a "verble abusive" marriage and I have no idea ( not a clue)

what I have done to my wife emotionally. From what I know, Ive done to much, but really,

 

I have a thread in the seperation threads and saw this one and thought

I would ask.

 

My wife left me a month ago, "What is she going through?"

 

Now that Im on the road to recovery I feel awfull for what Ive done. Last Saturday my son said "I love you daddy" ( I havnt heard that in 2 years)

So, I know Im on the right track with the kids, but I want to open my wife up

and fix the wires ( so to speak)

 

Can anyone give me a little insight on what she went through and might be going through now?

[smile95]

sometimes women reach a point where they have had waaaay too much and there is no going back. this is just me, but I was verablly and physically abused by a bf of 5 yrs and to this day, the sound of his voce makes me sick. I want nothing to do with him. Becasue youhave kids, she prob will be civil, but I can tell you that it is not an easy thing to get over. It really messes with our heads. Have you said you were sorry? You know, it says a lot about you that you want to know how she is feeling....have you ever asked her? Sounds like you are starting to see what you did. Did you not see it while it was happening?

[Not_Over]

No, I had no idea what I was doing. ( sad to say , I know)

 

And Yes, I did say I was sorry,( More of a over all thing though, "Sorry for how things are turning out and what Ive done to you and the kids" sort of thing)

 

She said she knows that I'm sorry. ( She always knew something was a miss in my head, She's the one who brought up I may have a problem a few years back, It's being delt with now.) She even admitted that the tone in my voice has changed to a more normal tone. But I still look like Im about to blow_up but she sees a change for the better.

 

I try to compliment her, but at this point in time it seems fake to her. As if I'm faking everything just to get her home.( She said )

[smile95]

I really think that the best thing you can do is show her with actions that you know what you did was unacceptable. Show her you love her...I assume you do? Are you divorced already? Or just a seperation?

 

Just coming out of an emotioanl abusive realtionship....I cantell you the best thing you can do is back up your "I am sorrys" with actions and prove that you are willing to recognize what you did was wrong.

 

I really admire the fact that you see that you were abusive to her. Not very many people see that in themselves and I thin that is a great road to go down. Whether or not she forgives you , at least you know what to change in the future, whether it be with her or someone new.

 

Good luck to you!

[Not_Over]

No we are not divorced, just seperated.

 

I'm the only one that brings up divorce.

And when I do she will say "If thats what you want, then bring the papers and I will sign them."

 

I ask her if she wants one...."Right now? Yes."

 

I've tried to show that I love her. ( flowers. Her reply " Where were these a year ago?")

 

Right now she wont talk to me about anything besides the kids, and even that is short.

 

"How are the kids?"......."Fine."..(moment of silence as if she's waiting for me to say somehting)..."thats Good, bye"....."Talk to ya later."

[smile95]

ok well it sounds like she is a little bitter....I can understand where she is coming from. Do not threaten her with divorce. That is awful to do. She prob responds the way she does since she probablythinks you are bluffing.

 

Sometimes it is too late to fix what is broken. From the sounds of it, she sees the flowers as a temporary fix.

 

When I say show her, I do not mean with material objects really. Honestly, if you never did anything nice for her or thoughtful, then all these things you are suddenly doing are nice, but she knows it is not you and will fade. We want all these things all the time...not just when you are in the dog house.