Sudden and very painful breakup.

[salmagund1]

Hi everyone!

Its been about 15 years since I last visited Loveshack.  I'll be honest...it doesn't feel great to be back...🙄   But here I am.   I am going through a very crappy breakup and I just decided to create a thread to more or less blog about as I way to...I don't know...externalise all the s*** in my head.  Before I lose my mind.   So feel free to read or comment, that would be very appreciated.   Hopefully others can relate but even if no-one bothers, I think it will help me to get this down in writing.

I am 48.  I Iam a well known bartender in the town I live in in Quebec and I recently started working as an elementary English teacher.   I was in a long term relationship up until about 7 years ago.  We broke up, I fell apart but soldiered through it (I didn't come to Loveshack that time because...I dont know...as a bartender I had easy access to other coping strategies...(yes...sex and drugs).   Since that breakup I have dated a fairly astonishing number of woman.  Some briefly and some more longterm but nothing more than a year.  But none of them really clicked or really succeeded in making me forget the ex.   I always compared them to my ex and would always find them...lacking.   

(yeah this might be long but nobody is being forced to read it )

So in December of this year we are in Covid lockdown.   The only way to see friends in person is outside.   One day some friends of mine organise a little day hike as a pretext to just get together.   The day of its super cold and I'm super not motivated so I go on Facebook to say I'm staying on the couch when...I see someone has been added to the conversation.   I check it out and see...holy s***...its her!   This girl I keep seeing around for like the last several years in places I work.  She's always fascinated me but I've never gotten her name or even spoken to her.   So I say to myself..."f*** it, I'm going!"

Did I mention that she is, to me, extremely beautiful?  She is...

We hit it off.   We started hanging out.  She had a boyfriend of not too long (6 months) so we're like...friends.   Also she's 30 so...a bit of an age gap so I figure there's no way.  

I was wrong.  She dumps the boyfriend and in short order we're an item.  Not long after we're 'copain/copine' (boyfriend/girfriend in Québec.   She loves me.  She texts constantly and we hang out at every opportunity.  I impress her endlessly.   I meet the family.   They love me.   We start making plans.   Everything goes great for the first 6 months.  Then, starting maybe end of June she starts being a bit more up and down.  Becomes grumpy and starts criticizing me at times while at other times still being all over me.   She starts texting less and reciprocating feelings less.  Except when she does, which is confusing for me.  

Finally she goes to the next town over on Saturday to visit family and get away for a bit.   On monday she wants to talk...we all know what comes next.  

She says she needs to be single because she...never has been.   Its true.   her last boyfriend was a rebound from her 7 year ex before him.  And before that other relationships meaning she hasn't been single since high school.  So maybe its true but its probably not the reason...but I guess the real reason is neither here nor there.

I take it well, she's the one doing all the crying.   We kiss one last time...hug forever and then she gathers up her stuff.   And she leaves me a 'selection' of my stuff that she brought from her place.  I know she held back to keep a connection.   But I told her that her decision was made and I was going to respect it and no longer contact her.  She drives away crying.   I am inwardly destroyed.

 

Here's what scares me...

Its been a long time since I've been broken up with.   Actually, my ex was the last time.   Ever since I have never let myself get close enough to another person to be vulnerable.   Until her.  The psychic pain I am feeling now is unbelievable.  Obviously, its not my first time at the rodeo...I know how to do this (no contact, get busy, new activities, go to the gym, keep your chin up in 2 months I'll feel better etc,).   

But I feel utterly hopeless.   Like I'm standing before the abyss.   With my girlfriend I felt all the complicity of doing things together, of sharing moments, of having dreams and making plans and ever other thing I was not getting from my 7 years of pointless flings (everything I last had with my ex before.).  And in other times I would know that if I just soldier through this, I'll meet someone else, someone better.   Its always been true.

But I'm 48.  And even if I'm a young 48 (this girl took me for 10 years younger) I still feel like there's no sand left in the hourglass.   Especially if I want to have kids (and I do).  Its unbelievable how I got here and even more unbelievable that I got one last shot and f***ed it up too!   Why do I think I'll get another chance?

I'll be honest, because you are all unknown to me so I have nothing to lose.   For the first breakup in my life I have been overcome but dark and very troubling thoughts of suicide.   For the first time I can't see past this.   I imagine myself getting over the short term pain of this breakup only to be marooned in the middle of some long term emptiness where I'm...alone in the world and haven't found a way to....root myself to the earth.   Have a family.  A long term partner who's always there for me.   I can't deal with this.

 

Sorry I'm being so melodramatic...its a bit embarrassing.   17 year olds think like this...

 

But thats where I am today.   

[FMW]

Sounds like in addition to normal breakup pain you're  having a bit of a mid-life crisis.

You have experience with breakups, so you know you can move past that part. 

Take it from someone older than you (56), you absolutely can love again, you have a lot of years ahead of you to fall in love and maybe even be happier than you've ever been.

As for children, men well over 50 father children.  That's going to have a lot to do with the age of the woman you connect with.

Your recent ex was NOT your last shot.  

[salmagund1]

I...hadn't even thought of that.   Wow that just made my life suck that much more...:p

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, salmagund1 said:

We started hanging out.  She had a boyfriend of not too long (6 months)

This was your first red flag. 

The fact that she overlapped was your cue that she might not be the most upstanding person. 

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, salmagund1 said:

But I'm 48.    Especially if I want to have kids (and I do).

If I were you, I'd run the numbers on this and really, really think twice about having kids at this age.

If you meet someone (right now) it will probably be 2-3 years before you actually have a child.  So that puts you at about 50, by the time the kid graduates college you will be approximately 72 and helping that child pay off college student loans.  If you are OK working well into your 70's for this dream, so be it.

At 48, my advice would be to start focusing more and more on retirement planning.

Just my two cents...

[salmagund1]

4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

If I were you, I'd run the numbers on this and really, really think twice about having kids at this age.

If you meet someone (right now) it will probably be 2-3 years before you actually have a child.  So that puts you at about 50, by the time the kid graduates college you will be approximately 72 and helping that child pay off college student loans.  If you are OK working well into your 70's for this dream, so be it.

At 48, my advice would be to start focusing more and more on retirement planning.

Just my two cents...

Yeah but I guess that's a whole other discussion.   I mean...you're right.   I shouldn't have f***ed things up with my last ex when we actually did almost have a kid.  But that ship has sailed.    As for college costs, I'm Canadian so while college is getting more expensive, its nowhere near what you pay down south.   And we have a comprehensive government student loan and grant system.  But again, thats a different topic I guess...

[salmagund1]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This was your first red flag. 

The fact that she overlapped was your cue that she might not be the most upstanding person. 

Yeah I know...and I knew it then.   Bad timing for sure but I figured that was when I met her so...what are you going to do?   I suppose I should have known that a relationship that starts off that way was likely doomed to be brief and unhealthy but at the time she convinced me (and herself) that they were incompatible, that he just sat around and drank beer and played video games and that their relationship had run its course anyway.   Go figure that when we had the breakup talk 8 months later she told me the reason was that she had never been single...🙄

 

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, salmagund1 said:

But that ship has sailed.   

Yes...  I remember I had a scare at 42, the woman was younger than me.  When she thought she was pregnant, my little brain started calculating all of the costs and time frame.  I knew I would be about 60 when the kid graduated high school and approximately 65 when he/she graduated college.  In one swift moment all of my retirement financial planning was thrown into a tail-spin and I thought about having to work well into my 60's.  It scared the crap out of me.

In the end, the pregnancy turned out to be ectopic. 

But yes... there is definitely a point where "the ship has sailed".

[salmagund1]

Its been a long time since I've felt this shitty.   I haven't slept more than 2 or 3 hours since monday when we broke up.   I can't concentrate on anything I actually need to do...I spend all of my time compulsively googling everything to do with breakups (there is SO MUCH s*** content by douchebag 'relationship experts, its actually really incredible... 😛 ), trolling forums, looking for the least similarity to my situation that I can latch onto.   

It has only been three days though...

Tonight I'm hanging out with an ex casual fling from the time before my ex.   Part of me is dying for some external validation and to have me ego put back together.   Another part of me know that if we have sex, it will feel like I'm betraying my ex (which is strange...).  

I listened to Song for Zula...it almost literally broke me...but it was a bit cathartic to be reminded that my pain isn't singular...everybody lives this...

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened, salmagund1.  Is it possible you have forgotten just how painful break-ups can be?

Did you and your (now) ex discuss having children?  I just wondered if that was something she was hoping for and, if you hadn't mentioned it, whether it was a factor in the break-up.

As she had monkey-branched from one person to another already, that is a sign that maybe she wasn't going to be reliable.

It's true that there are different considerations with this break-up because of age and what usually happens when, but plenty of people have relationships after your age.  As others have said, you might want to reconsider children because they are incredibly tiring and demanding and that is no fun when you want to wind down and retire.

I suppose we never know what we have invested in a relationship emotionally until something like this happens.  The fact that you have invested more does not mean you will not come through this very painful time and go on to enjoy a happy relationship in the future.   It is common to feel as though the ex can never be replaced and to miss them.  I hope this doesn't sound blase, I'm just trying to remind you that again this awful time will pass and you will bounce back; it just never feels like it at the time.

[glows]

You sound like someone I know. He’s also 48, just broke up with someone and very much wants children. You know all this will pass. There’s not much than can fast forward the time it takes to heal and feel more of yourself (no short cuts). 

Have fun with your ex-fling. Sometimes that does seem to be a reset. 

[salmagund1]

On 8/6/2021 at 6:13 PM, spiderowl said:

I am sorry to hear what happened, salmagund1.  Is it possible you have forgotten just how painful break-ups can be?

Did you and your (now) ex discuss having children?  I just wondered if that was something she was hoping for and, if you hadn't mentioned it, whether it was a factor in the break-up.

As she had monkey-branched from one person to another already, that is a sign that maybe she wasn't going to be reliable.

It's true that there are different considerations with this break-up because of age and what usually happens when, but plenty of people have relationships after your age.  As others have said, you might want to reconsider children because they are incredibly tiring and demanding and that is no fun when you want to wind down and retire.

I suppose we never know what we have invested in a relationship emotionally until something like this happens.  The fact that you have invested more does not mean you will not come through this very painful time and go on to enjoy a happy relationship in the future.   It is common to feel as though the ex can never be replaced and to miss them.  I hope this doesn't sound blase, I'm just trying to remind you that again this awful time will pass and you will bounce back; it just never feels like it at the time.

Haha I actually have maybe forgotten what its like to be on the recieving end of a break-up...She's the first woman I've opened up to for real since my last ex about 8 years ago.  Between the two I had a string of casual relationships where it was mostly me calling the shots (and walking away...).   So I suppose maybe I deserve to feel this in a way...

We talked about having kids a lot...we both wanted to.   

The monkey branching and the fairly rapid progression of the relationship is something that in the back of my mind I had thought might be problematic.  But I was drunk on love and when she was into me...boy was she into me!

I know I'll be fine...I just have to get through this.  

Thanks for your thoughts

[salmagund1]

On 8/6/2021 at 6:41 PM, glows said:

You sound like someone I know. He’s also 48, just broke up with someone and very much wants children. You know all this will pass. There’s not much than can fast forward the time it takes to heal and feel more of yourself (no short cuts). 

Have fun with your ex-fling. Sometimes that does seem to be a reset. 

Yeah I know it will...I already feel a bit more...grounded...

I've stepped back from the abyss...

As to the ex fling, we actually had a good time but while I know I could have stayed over...I declined because...I would feel like I was betraying  on my ex even if...she's my ex...

That and I think sleeping with someone else right now would kill me inside...But we are going to keep hanging out anyway...

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, salmagund1 said:

I know I'll be fine...I just have to get through this. 

You need a nice thick steak and a couple pints of Guinness.

That is my post breakup routine.  When a woman dumps me, I grab a shower and hit my local pub for steak and Guinness. In one instance I met a replacement for my ex.  I got dumped at 6:00pm and had a new girlfriend by midnight.  Life has a strange way of providing exactly what you need.

[salmagund1]

On 8/8/2021 at 12:49 PM, Happy Lemming said:

You need a nice thick steak and a couple pints of Guinness.

That is my post breakup routine.  When a woman dumps me, I grab a shower and hit my local pub for steak and Guinness. In one instance I met a replacement for my ex.  I got dumped at 6:00pm and had a new girlfriend by midnight.  Life has a strange way of providing exactly what you need.

You're totally right (about the steak too).   Even the way my ex came into my life was completely random.   I didn't,t see it coming at all; the day before I met her was like any other day.   Then the next day everything changed (first for the better and now for the much shittier but..whatever... 😛 )

 

[salmagund1]

So I'm writing again because...it really helps to externalize all this.   Obviously reading it is completely optional 🙄

 

It doesn't mean much, but I feel better than last week.   I still feel like a dead man pretending to be alive...and I still haven't slept properly.   But I am trying to keep turning things in a positive direction.   I've been reconnecting with friends and throwing myself back into work (I'm a teacher and class starts in 2 weeks).    I can do this...I mean...obviously...

But I still can't get her out of my mind.   Intellectually, I am aware that the chances of her contacting me to try again are vanishingly small.   I know that.   But I can't keep my stupid heart from pining after the idea anyway.  But I have not broken no contact.   I haven't blocked her or anything, but I havent messaged her or called.   Sometimes my broken up brain tries to rationalise an excuse to reach out...but so far I resist by telling myself "I'll wait until tomorrow..."   And then tomorrow I say the same...

I really need to get some sleep

I really need to stop churning the entire relationship/breakup in my head...

But one thing that definitely helps (I believe) is to focus myself on my role in the breakup.   It hurts but at least that way I can take something from it.   Here are my errors:

1.  not heeding the voice in my head that said our relationship was developing to fast; she was going too quickly from meeting, to dumping her boyfriend, getting with me, calling us a couple, saying she loves me etc.    I subconsciously knew that this speed was not going to make for a solid foundation.

2.  papering over conflicts and letting her s*** slide.   When she stop idealizing me and starting criticizing me and getting b****y, I didn't call her on it enough.   I didn't lay down boundaries, tell her that speaking to me like that was bullshit and uncalled for, or even just ask her what was going on that she was doing that 180 on me.   Not enough at least.

3.  I was a bit too available I guess...at least in the context of this relationship.  I got drunk on her lovebombing, the morning and night texting how she loved me missed me etc.   I mirrored it all (I felt the same) but...I guess I made it too easy.   I got to complacent once we were in a relationship and stopped being a challenge.   On the other hand, if she was emotionally available...I might not have been required to play games to keep her interested.   I'm still grappling with this one.   Having said that, I definitely could have spent the occasional weekend doing other stuff then hanging out with her, maintaining my independence I guess...

4.  not recognizing that I had once again repeated my pattern of going all in on an emotionally unavailable woman.  They are the ones that always break me but I find them so easy to fall in love with...

Anyway...those are my thoughts on things for today...

[Happy Lemming]

29 minutes ago, salmagund1 said:

I really need to get some sleep

I really need to stop churning the entire relationship/breakup in my head...

 

Step 1: Delete her from your contacts (so you don't drunk dial her)

Step 2: Go buy a cheap bottle of tequila (not the good stuff)

Step 3: Drink cheap tequila while watching re-runs of TV show (Family Guy or similar)

Step 4: Fall asleep or pass out (which ever comes first)

[salmagund1]

On 8/10/2021 at 4:22 PM, Happy Lemming said:

Step 1: Delete her from your contacts (so you don't drunk dial her)

Step 2: Go buy a cheap bottle of tequila (not the good stuff)

Step 3: Drink cheap tequila while watching re-runs of TV show (Family Guy or similar)

Step 4: Fall asleep or pass out (which ever comes first)

all fantastic advice!  😆

[salmagund1]

So I was going to write a normal update, more for myself trying to get a handle on where and how everything went wrong and blablabla...

...but just now my ex's closest girlfriend just messaged me to tell me she was thinking of me, hoping I was doing well and...you know...have a good rest of the summer before teaching starts...

It was nice to hear from her because...at least I can say that her best friend maybe wasn't pushing for the break-up.  Hell...maybe she was pushing against it.  

 

But before I start overthinking...I wonder what it means...?   (ok too late...I'm overthinking... 🙄)

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, salmagund1 said:

...but just now my ex's closest girlfriend just messaged me to tell me she was thinking of me, hoping I was doing well and...you know...have a good rest of the summer before teaching starts...

It was nice to hear from her because...at least I can say that her best friend maybe wasn't pushing for the break-up.  Hell...maybe she was pushing against it.  

 

But before I start overthinking...I wonder what it means...?   (ok too late...I'm overthinking... 🙄)

Maybe she's got a little crush on you herself, OP. 

Whatever the case, just say thank you and keep moving. 

[Happy Lemming]

Personally, I've always been one that if you fall off of the horse, you get right back on.

I never saw much value in sitting at home (making the dent in my couch larger) thinking about a breakup or mulling over details of a previous relationship.  I got dumped, it was done and now was the time to "turn the page" and start a new chapter in my life.

If you find this friend attractive, ask her out for drinks.  Try to steer the conversation away from the ex and towards details about this woman, her likes, her life, her goals, fun times she has had in the past, etc.  

I do remember dating this one woman (briefly) and we didn't work out.  She told me that she and I weren't compatible (which I agreed) but her friend was more my type.  So I did go out with the friend.  Although, it didn't work out; I think it was worth a try.  We did make a rule not to talk about the first woman (I dated) on our dates (which was a good rule).

Just my two cents...

[salmagund1]

haha no I don't think she's into me...that would be really weird as she is my ex's absolute closest friend.   And anyway, I like her as a person but I'm not attracted to her that way.   I guess I'll just go with "it means nothing" and continue my day...

[salmagund1]

I have to admit I spent last week thinking that her best friend contacting me was a prelude to something.   I actually expected my ex to be getting in touch.   I have no idea why.   Well...yes I do...because its what I want to happen...🙄

Its really hard to stay no contact.   Tomorrow will be exactly 14 days.   I have been having overpowering urges to just send her a message...I have no idea what it would say...just reaching out.   But I stop myself before I do it.   I know that if I do then I will be waiting for her answer and when I get it it will likely disappoint me so I will be one step forward and two steps back.   So I keep telling myself "yeah I'll message her tomorrow...:P"

In only two weeks I have gained a lot of clarity on the relationship.   I can see the signs that our relationship was maybe not a good idea from the get go (I am fairly convinced that my ex latched onto me and pushed the relation to move fast because of some neediness; some need to be with someone to get her mind off...well...likely herself and her own problems.

But I also recognize my own errors.   Being to available, being too agreeable, being to 'comfortable.'   Its strange though...usually I'm the aloof partner in a relationship.   The noncommittal one who is easily suffocated in a relationship.   The one girls get super attached to and chase after because I can't be caught.  But this time I was all in.   And I missed all the signs that are so clear now.   She even told me once that I was too nice!   That was a clear signal that I had to set some boundaries and maybe back off a bit.   Which ordinarily I would be doing without being asked!   What was different about her?

But its ironic because for the first 6 months of the relationship she was the over the top clingy partner.   Then she did a 180 and I didn't react properly because I was still chasing the high of her being SO into me...

It kind of does my head in to think of it...

 

[glows]

You’re in a vulnerable place and more than aware. Entertaining any idea that your ex’s best friend or close friend has a thing for you is a bad idea. You’ll also be using it to find out more about your ex because you’re not over her. 

Move away from that crowd and get back on your feet. 

Edited August 15, 2021 by glows

[salmagund1]

No her best friend absolutely does not have a thing for me!   That I know...her contacting me was for whatever other reason that I don't quite understand...