Sudden and very painful breakup.

[Happy Lemming]

48 minutes ago, salmagund1 said:

No her best friend absolutely does not have a thing for me!   That I know...her contacting me was for whatever other reason that I don't quite understand...

I think you need to be polite, but stern with the friend.  Something along the lines of "Thank you for your concern, I do appreciate it, but considering the circumstances... please do not contact me again, thank you"

If the friend contacts you after that, block the number.

You don't need any additional reminders, thoughts or stress at this point.

[Wiseman2]

On 8/12/2021 at 11:32 AM, salmagund1 said:

my ex's closest girlfriend just messaged me to tell me she was thinking of me, hoping I was doing well and...you know...have a good rest of the summer before teaching starts..

Sounds like she knows you're single now. Ask her to have coffee/get drinks. Talk about anything but the ex. You're a free agent now so you have to look at the silver lining in the clouds.🌥

[salmagund1]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like she knows you're single now. Ask her to have coffee/get drinks. Talk about anything but the ex. You're a free agent now so you have to look at the silver lining in the clouds.🌥

She's my exes best friend...she knew I was single before I did I'm betting.  But its not like that, she's not after me.   Whatever her reasons for contacting me, it had nothing to do with that.  

[salmagund1]

Ok so yeah I stand before you all in shame, head held low.   I broke no contact.   It was a force more powerful than me.   The worst?   When I wrote she was like "hey I was about to write you!"   f***...why didn't I just let her make the first move... 🙄    Luckily when we talked I was at work and didn't have time so it was short and sweet.   

But yeah...breaking no contact is a terrible idea.   Don't do it...

[Alpacalia]

Try to stay no contact.

As for your ex's friend - not the smartest move.

 

[salmagund1]

Just now, Alpaca said:

Try to stay no contact.

As for your ex's friend - not the smartest move.

 

I will!

As for the friend...it was her move to contact me, I had nothing to do with it!

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, salmagund1 said:

I will!

As for the friend...it was her move to contact me, I had nothing to do with it!

👍

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, salmagund1 said:

I will!

As for the friend...it was her move to contact me, I had nothing to do with it!

My advice... delete and block both.  If you can't stay "no contact" then you have to take a more drastic approach to your phone and phone usage.

When a woman dumps me, the first thing I do is delete her number... Mainly so I won't drunk dial her.  I don't use the "block" feature, as I never found it necessary. 

Stay strong... You'll make it.

And no she wasn't "just about to call you" that was just a throw away line. 

[Caauug]

13 hours ago, salmagund1 said:

When I wrote she was like "hey I was about to write you!"   f***...why didn't I just let her make the first move... 

Take what she said with a grain of salt... She was just trying to down play your mistake of contact. This made you look weaker for breaking your word at the break up. 

You were too invested in her. She could tell you had put her on a  pedestal. You were not treating her like an equal. For the most part a man has the highest attractiveness when he has purpose or is driven, has high confidence in himself, and has direction in life. They like to jump on for the ride... Sulking over a lost love and feeling sorry for your self is very much a turn off.

"Actions speak louder than words", she didn't contract you first so she did not want to be in contact... Look at her and your own actions.... 

It's time to work on yourself, get fit, kick any bad habits, and eat healthy. Get ready for school and take up a hobby or two in your spare time. Get direction in your life, don't expect someone else to supply that, as you now know that never ends well.... 

Children: Be careful... Marriage has a +50% fail rate, at your age with say 7yrs marriage + 1 child, your asset split at 50/50 to 70/30 in her favour, depends on local courts. You will not have time to recover your finances for retirement. If teaching has a mandatory retirement at age 65, what will you do then for child support and alimony? You can always hope for a unicorn but wasn't your last ex a unicorn? 

[salmagund1]

9 hours ago, Caauug said:

Take what she said with a grain of salt... She was just trying to down play your mistake of contact. This made you look weaker for breaking your word at the break up. 

You were too invested in her. She could tell you had put her on a  pedestal. You were not treating her like an equal. For the most part a man has the highest attractiveness when he has purpose or is driven, has high confidence in himself, and has direction in life. They like to jump on for the ride... Sulking over a lost love and feeling sorry for your self is very much a turn off.

"Actions speak louder than words", she didn't contract you first so she did not want to be in contact... Look at her and your own actions.... 

It's time to work on yourself, get fit, kick any bad habits, and eat healthy. Get ready for school and take up a hobby or two in your spare time. Get direction in your life, don't expect someone else to supply that, as you now know that never ends well.... 

Children: Be careful... Marriage has a +50% fail rate, at your age with say 7yrs marriage + 1 child, your asset split at 50/50 to 70/30 in her favour, depends on local courts. You will not have time to recover your finances for retirement. If teaching has a mandatory retirement at age 65, what will you do then for child support and alimony? You can always hope for a unicorn but wasn't your last ex a unicorn? 

Man that hurts to read...but its true.   

I was too invested, I know this now looking back.   But its weird.   From the beginning it was always me on the pedestal...I walked on water for this woman up until a couple of months ago when all of sudden I got slowly pulled off the pedestal.   And I know now that I didn't react properly.   I let too much s*** slide kind of hoping things would work themselves out.   Ironically, if I had walked away 2 months ago we would probably still be together.

And the thing is, I know this...I'm not 17 years old.    I don't know how I ended up this way...normally I'm the aloof partner with less invested that women chase after but with her...I don't know.   I loved her for real and I was afraid of losing her and acted exactly how I needed to to do just that.   I feel like such a f***up right now...

But on the other hand...I remember once near the beginning thinking to myself..."you know...the only time you let your guard down and allow yourself to really fall for a woman...is when they are unavailable."    And this is absolutely true for me.   And its a little bit f***ed up...I only really let myself feel it for woman that I cannot really have.   Never for one that I can.   The ones I can, I stay aloof and distant and eventually...break up with them because...they're too nice, too boring, too invested and they want me too much...   

Exactly like me with my ex...

And then I think about her...about how fast she NEEDED that relationship to move, how she needed CONSTANT communication, about how she admitted that she had never been single and how she monkey branched to me from her ex and to him from her ex before.  And I think, even if I played it better, set boundaries and didn't take the s*** she started dishing in the last couple of months....so what?   What would I have gained?   True love?   Or a lastingly dysfunctional longer relationship with someone who has her own set of problems that she hasn't dealt with either? 

I can't even figure out if she really ever was in love with me, or if she was in love with the idea of being in love with me and the distraction from her own problems that this provided.  In other words maybe she was just in love with love...

But of course its not about her.

I'm doing all the things you mentioned.   I hang out with friends as much as possible, I'm getting in shape, I've taking up rock climbing and school is starting so I'm very busy now.   She suggested we carry on our aborted conversation some other time but I so far have just dropped it and gone NC again.   I'm doing everything I know I need to do...but I'm finding it hard to let go...she fit too well.   Even if it was probably at the level of shared dysfunction or complementary attachment problems...I don't know.   

I feel like s***.   

THere's a line from a song in Quebec "Balade à Toronto" that haunts me.   It translates roughly as:

 

"Time passes, and one day we are old and alone.  

And we no longer have anything but 

Pride at having loved well

or the shame and the torment of not having undestood

In time."

 

f*** me...😐

 

Edited August 17, 2021 by salmagund1
missing words

[salmagund1]

Hey all!

 

I just wanted to update just to...vent...

Its been 4 and half weeks since we broke up.   I suck at no contact usually and I had a couple of brief text lapses.   I kept it short but...I don't know why I contacted her...I guess because I'm enough of an adult to understand that people fall in love and say a bunch of s*** that guarantees nothing.   And when they fall out again, it means nothing too.   But it still was doing in my head how...cold and distant our breakup is.    My problem is the brain understands clearly.   But the heart is a really stupid organ that has no f***ing clue.   If I didn't listen to him I wouldn't be in this mess.

Actually most of our intelligence is in our gut.   He was warning me all along from the get go...

 

But whatever.   I've been doing fairly well.   I at least never physically see her so it has made things easier.   I've reconnected with friends and I've started rock climbing (which is a super social activity, which helps a lot).  Mostly I feel pretty good.  Occasionally I even have confidence in the future

I've been on a couple of dates but it went nowhere because...I wasn't ready and the idea of sleeping with someone else still feels strangely like betraying my ex.   Which I find bizarre and a bit f***ed up.   But there I am...

 

The only downside is my shitty mood today.   I found out from a mutual friend that my ex was on Tinder 2 days after we broke up.   I felt gut punched.   I'm still angry just because...really?   You break my f***ing heart and two days later your trolling Tinder?    It made me feel completely disposable and affirmed my feeling that she gives no real f***s about me (which at least helps me move on, I guess...)🙄

 

I can't believe how cold this breakup is...   And I hate feeling that the last 8 months meant nothing...but at least its slowly getting better...

 

[d0nnivain]

Hopefully the new Tinder info hardens your heart & makes this easier. 

Meanwhile take her # out of your phone so you can't lapse & text her.  

[salmagund1]

yeah man, it sucks...but it does help me get to the anger stage at least...

It also makes me realize how immature she is...she can't be single for 10 seconds.   She always needs bottomless external validation.    I can't believe I got taken in by all of her love bombing and projecting and future faking and the whole deal...

 

oh well...

[d0nnivain]

Anger is a more productive emotion & the next step.  You are on your way to getting fully over this.  

Best wishes 

[poppyfields]

@salmagund1  I just caught up with this thread, I am so sorry.

You quoted a line from a song in Quebec "Balade à Toronto" in previous post.   Given you appreciate poignant literature, below is one of my favorites and find it apt for what you are experiencing currently.

Splendor in the Grass

What though the radiance
which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass,
of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.

-William Wordsworth

Take good care, time heals and you WILL love again, I promise you.  💛

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with lemming on the kids thing… as a woman whose mom had her at 40.. please reconsider. It’s very hard when you’re in your 60s raising a teen..for you and for them.. I am sad because I don’t have a lot of time left with my mom when most of my friends parents noW are just a little beyond her age when she had me. Plus you are at an age lots of birth defects and congenital things lbecomes more likely because of your aged sperm 
 

I

Edited September 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[salmagund1]

20 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@salmagund1  I just caught up with this thread, I am so sorry.

You quoted a line from a song in Quebec "Balade à Toronto" in previous post.   Given you appreciate poignant literature, below is one of my favorites and find it apt for what you are experiencing currently.

Splendor in the Grass

What though the radiance
which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass,
of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.

-William Wordsworth

Take good care, time heals and you WILL love again, I promise you.  💛

Thanks for that!   That poem is a keeper

[Interstellar]

On 8/12/2021 at 11:32 AM, salmagund1 said:

So I was going to write a normal update, more for myself trying to get a handle on where and how everything went wrong and blablabla...

...but just now my ex's closest girlfriend just messaged me to tell me she was thinking of me, hoping I was doing well and...you know...have a good rest of the summer before teaching starts...

It was nice to hear from her because...at least I can say that her best friend maybe wasn't pushing for the break-up.  Hell...maybe she was pushing against it.  

 

But before I start overthinking...I wonder what it means...?   (ok too late...I'm overthinking... 🙄)

hmm...is she good looking? but before you jump into another relationship. you need to some soul searching on why them ladies keep getting rid of you. were you too needy? did you contact her every minute of everyday? etc.